The angels found Cas and they know he's here. I knew we should have never come. I knew something bad would happen, I just had that feeling. I'd like to think I could blame Sammy but he just wanted to help. He was so young when mom died, I can understand why he'd want to come home. Perhaps for closure. But to this day home gives me a knot in my stomach. The kind you wish wasn't there and you just want to rip it out because it's too painful to think about.
"Where do we go from here? I mean, they've already found Cas. You know what's next Dean." Sam said. I tighten my jaw and give him a slight nod to let him know that I know. "Dean, I can handle this by myself. You shouldn't be involved, they're looking for me not you." Cas said. "CAS DAMMIT we're not leaving you, you got that? We're family! I'm not arguing with you about this." I said as I looked him dead in the eye. I lost my temper and it surprised all of us, even myself. His face got stern as he walked towards me and we were inches apart. "This is MY fight, not yours Dean." We stared at eachother for a minute as if having a personal argument. When you look at him it's like he can see right through you and read your every thought. I lost, I could tell from his eyes he wasn't giving up on this. That he was saying no to me just by his facial expression. "Fine. We're leaving." I said at last, and left the room.
Sam trailed behind me after he quietly apologized to Cas for me. I could barely hear him from down the hall the further I got, but he made it quick. "What do you mean we're leaving?" Sam asked, once we got outside. "I mean we're leaving okay! Cas can obviously take care of this himself." Sam grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around. "You're not serious about this are you? You're just going to leave him here to fend for himself against Metatron and his angels? He'll die Dean, and you know it!" I didn't want to talk about this. "Yeah, well if that's what he wants i'm not going to stop him." I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and walked towards the parking lot. He ran up next to me and closed my door once I opened it to get in, stopping me. "You're not doing this, you're going back in there and -" "And what huh? Tell him to stop being an ass and let us help? He's Cas okay, he's not going to let it go that easily. I want to keep him safe alright, just as much as you do. But I can't, I can't save people anymore Sammy! Not you, not him, nobody! I'm tired of this job and watching people die on my account. I have so much blood on my hands that I can't wash off, no matter how hard I try, I can't. And Cas is just gonna be another one."
I looked down as there was a long silence between us. "That doesn't mean you have to give up Dean." Sam said. "We can figure something out." "Hm, man i'm done figuring something out." I opened the door again and got in. Sam walked around the back and got in as well, sitting in the passenger seat quietly. We sat there for a good minute and I took deep breaths hoping it would calm me down. When I started the car Sam murmured an apology. "I'm sorry Dean." He was looking ahead at the parking lot and I as well . "For what?" I asked "For bringing you here, for everything? I know you didn't want to go back but I pushed you. And now it's my fault."
"Sam listen to me, this whole thing? Doesn't matter. I don't care about coming back to Kansas anymore, you know why? Because you're my home, you're all i've got. You are, my pain in the ass little brother. And that house was nothing, a place to "call home". But it wasn't home. It was nothing but a roof over our heads and walls. Just you and me against the world. So don't think for one second I blame you." Sam turned to me and lifted his arms, offering a hug. "Do you need a hug Dean?" "Woah woah, no chickflick moments okay?" He gave a chuckle and put his arms down. I gave a small smirk. "Bitch." "Jerk." I started the car and drove until we found the nearest motel three miles away from the last. Once we parked and got out of the car Sam walked up next to me, turning me around and hugging me. I hesitated, "This is the part where you hug back, Dean." And so I did. "I thought I said no chickflick moments?"
"I don't care." Neither did I.
I can hardly see, but I do make out two figures. One is on the floor in a room and the other is pinning it down. They're wrestling with a blade, the one on the bottom not wanting to be killed is fighting back by holding the blade away from itself. The room looks like a tornado went through it and there's lightning in the background, it's raining. Suddenly everything clears up, like a child putting on a new pair of glasses. It's Cas, he's the one on the bottom and the other person I don't know. He's in danger, another angel is the one trying to kill him. Cas manages to get him off him, and throws him across the room. The angel falls to the floor. Realizing that Cas is too powerful he gets up quickly and disappears. The thunder stops and I realize it wasn't thunder at all, but instead the angels. By the damage I can tell I've only seen part of the fight. I can also tell Cas isn't over this, before I know it he's outside in the rain. He just stands there where he stopped,trenchcoat getting darker from the moisture and his hair slowly being matted down by the rain. The tips of his hair are collecting waterdrops, each one landing on his face and running down to the end of his chin. He has small cuts here and there from the punches and a bruise forming around his jawline. His shirt wrinkled and halfway pulled out from the fight. Then it's all over and I wake up.
I rub my eyes and turn over, not wanting to get out of bed. The side I turn on is nice and cool while the blankets are nice and warm. It's still cold out seeing how it's winter and I really don't want to get out of my bed. Sam's already up of course, wearing his layers of plaid and then a jacket over that to top it all off. I'm surprised when I see him shudder and rub his arms before continuing to type away at the keyboard. I guess even with all those layers he's still cold. I regret it, but I stick my arm out to feel the "room temperature" and think 'Yeah no.' and pull it back in quickly. Sam turns to look at me, noticing me having the covers pulled up around my shoulders says, "Yeah, must be nice being under there. It's friggin' cold." "Don't they got a heater in here or somethin'?" I ask. "If they do I'm pretty sure ours broke." Sam responds. "By the way, you were mumbling in your sleep, couldn't understand what you were saying. But I thought I'd let you know." "Yeah...I did have a weird dream though." "Really. Clowns or midgets?" Sam asks. I think about the dream, of Cas being there. It feels so real, like I was there and I could just call out to him and he'd see me. Must be my guilt of leaving him getting to me. I'm sure he's fine, probably sitting in a motel somewhere nice and safe. I get up and get changed quickly so I'm not left in the cold, and decide to call him.
"Dean."
Both relief and guilt flood over me and I don't know which one is more overpowering. I pause, waiting for him to say something and then I remember it's my turn to speak. "Hey, Cas. How are you?"
"Don't ask stupid questions Dean." I can hear the frustration in his voice, this tension is killing me inside. He's obviously upset that I left, but I thought that's what he wanted. To just be left alone and do this himself. "Common Cas talk to me." I plead. "What's there to talk about? Oh, that's right you left." He sure can turn a situation sour when it's times like these. "You said you wanted to do this on your own, so I left. That's what you wanted wasn't it?"
"Of course it wasn't Dean, I wanted you to fight this with me. I just didn't want your help out of pity and fear that I couldn't handle it on my own in the first place. And I didn't want you and Sam to get hurt, this is my problem anyways. Those things I said, I meant it but at the same time I was hoping you'd help anyways. But you gave up on me before I did. That's why i'm upset with you." I was dumbfounded by what I'd just heard, had I really given up too easily? Cas was- is special to me, I shouldn't have done that to him. I'd embarrassed and insulted him at the same time.
"Cas, can I come over? I'm really sorry." There was a pause on the other end. And I can hear Cas take a deep breath and let it out making my end sound like static. "I've forgiven you Dean, of course you can over. I'm in room 152." After I heard that my heart almost stopped. I've seen that number before, or heard of it. Then it all comes to me, I saw it in my dream. The one of Cas. It was just a blur and I didn't pay much attention to it, but now I remember. "Yeah, yeah I'll be there soon." Cas can tell by the tone of my voice something wasn't right. "Okay...I'll just wait here then."
When I got there Cas was waiting for me outside the motel, I could feel it start to sprinkle. The window wipers washed away the droplets one last time, making him clear to see again as I pulled up and cut the engine off. I got out but Cas stood still in the mist waiting by the door. When I got to him he didn't say a word as we walked in silence up towards the waiting room. "No...um actually i'm going to rent a seperate room for the night." Still he said nothing. I grabbed my card and went opposite of Cas's room. To be honest part of me wishes it was just next door so I can keep an eye on him….and also because I like being close to him. But our relationship was complicated enough. We went our separate ways and I looked back at him before I entered my room. I felt like Cas was still slightly upset with me even though he said I was forgiven, so I didn't want to bother him quite yet. If he needed my help he'd have came to my room by now, so while I waited I figured I could watch some television. The mini bar didn't have very good drinks but I pulled a small bottle out, not caring what it was and turned the t.v on. I flipped through the channels about a hundred times because nothing seemed to interest me very much, so I left it on some soap opera channel for background noise as I went to the phone to call Sam.
"Hey, where've you been?" Sam asked, "Oh, I decided to go back over to the old motel to help Cas out after all."
"See, I told you you'd work it out with him."
"Yeah yeah whatever- " And at that point there was a knock on my door. "Hey, look I gotta go. Someone's at the door. Anyways I just wanted to let you know where I am." We exchanged goodbyes and I opened the door to see Cas standing there with a weak smile. The kind that says it's nice to see you even though our relationship's been a rough one. "Hey Cas…"
"Hello Dean." He walked in and sat on the bed. "Why are you watching….this?", he said as he pointed lazily at the small t.v on the dresser, of course not knowing what the point of this channel was. I went over embarrassed and flipped the switch off, "I wasn't watching it, just thought I'd have background noise. Would you like a drink?" I said pointing at the mini bar. I could tell he was trying to decide whether he should or not, if he thought it was wrong. "I'll have just a little bit." he said in an uneasy way. Half an hour later he was already tipsy.
It wasn't long until he'd been staggering to the bathroom to throw up. Clumsily he stopped in the doorframe of the bathroom all pale faced telling me he didn't feel well. I assumed it was his first ever drink and I couldn't let him go back to his room, not knowing how to deal with the sickness and hangover in the morning. So I let him take the bed while I got the sofa chair for the night. I had helped him balance himself over to the bed and he flopped face first onto it, so I flipped him over and he was already knocked out. I dug in my bag and found some aspirin and took one of the plastic cups off of the dresser and filled it with the water from the sink, quietly laying them on the night stand. I shut the shades, turned off the light and left the t.v on low for the background noise. I said goodnight to Cas and closed my eyes as I got comfortable in my chair, with only the t.v to break the poor silence.
