SONG: Burn by Neyo.
CHAPTER 3
Shattered
Misaki's POV
I woke up early the next morning, wondering when I had fallen asleep. I felt horrible, sleep deprived, and over all exhausted. I wondered how I'd be able to keep up with my schedule for the day.
After I got dressed and ready for college, I went out to where the source of the breakfast smell came from. My brother and his wife greeted me as I helped Manami set the table before we all sat to eat.
"Misaki, when do your classes finish today?" Takahiro asked me.
"Around 3," I replied while I ate.
"I finish work about the same time, so maybe we could do something after that. Perhaps go out for dinner?" Takahiro said excitedly.
I smiled at him despite myself as I said, "Sounds good. But what about I make dinner today? As a thank you for letting me stay here?"
"Misaki-kun, we can't ask you to do that-…" Manami interjected.
"You're not asking. I'm offering. Please, I insist," I said with the same smile. I just hoped it didn't show that I was forcing myself to smile the way I was.
"In truth, I have missed your cooking, Misaki-chan," Nii-san said.
"Then it's settled! I will make dinner," I announced as I got up, taking my plates to the sink to wash them.
"Then I will pick you up after I am done with work, and we could go together to the market to get what you need," Nii-san added cheerily. I nodded, having my back turned to him as I made my way to the door.
"I will be late if I don't leave now. I'll see you after classes, Nii-chan," I said as I walked out the door and headed to the train station.
"Have a good day!" I heard his voice exclaim from behind the now closed door.
Classes were boring… not that I was able to concentrate on anything. Sumi-senpai kept insisting that there was something bothering me, which only got on my nerves. I ended up getting angry because he refused to take my answer of 'I am well' and kept asking. But I didn't know whether I was angry at him or at the situation I landed myself in. But one thing was clear to me: being angry is better than feeling like breaking down in tears.
I hoped my anger lasted though as I waited for Nii-chan at the end of the day by the gates. I hated the wait, as it got me thinking all over again of Usagi-san, and all the things I could have done differently. I sighed for what seemed like the millionth time since that morning as I stared at my shoes.
"If you keep frowning, your face will get stuck like that," I heard, which had me look up to see my brother standing there, his face reflecting a frown as well.
"Tell yourself that," I muttered as I stood straight from where I was leaning against the outer wall of the school.
"What's bothering you, Misaki-chan?" he asked with concern.
"Nothing. Just tired. It was a long day," I said as I started walking. He immediately followed me until he was walking next to me.
"Perhaps you shouldn't tire yourself further by cooking tonight…" he said with worry.
"Nii-chan, I'm fine. It's just the overload of information from classes, that's all." I played it off, waving the topic away.
"If you say so," Nii-chan said before adding, "You always had trouble with learning so much at once."
"NII-CHAN!" I exclaimed childishly, my hands fisted at my sides as I looked at him, not enjoying his teasing.
"What? It's true!" he insisted with a laugh as he ruffled my hair.
The conversation was lost to me when he did that. It wasn't the familiar feeling that I had become used to over the past three years with Usagi-san. No... It was completely different. I didn't like it. Not how I liked feeling Usagi-san's large hand against my head, his cold fingers messing up my hair.
"Misaki?" Nii-chan asked with a frown. I must have shown some of what I was feeling on my face. So I quickly composed myself before sighing heavily as I pretended to still be annoyed with his words and marched away. I had to keep up this charade of being all right, for the sake of not worrying my brother.
"I am not stupid!" I yelled over my shoulder. To my relief, he chuckled as he followed me.
As we got to the supermarket that I insisted on going to, even though it was out of our way, he grabbed a cart as we walked through the aisles. "Why did you want this supermarket? There is one closer to the apartment."
"There are some ingredients that other stores don't sell, but they have them here," I said not paying much attention as I compared two products for quality and price. After getting all that I needed, Nii-chan was again teasing me as we made our way to the counter to pay for the things we got.
My eyes traveled from my brother to the counter we were approaching. I stopped in my spot, completely frozen once my eyes locked onto the figure that was standing there, still not noticing us. I prayed that he didn't notice and just walked away without turning our way.
But when have I been so lucky?
"Usagi!" I heard my brother exclaim from beside me as he waved at his friend, making me wince.
I loved my brother very much… but moments like these made me feel something else… something I couldn't define. I wished that I had told my brother so he would know at that moment that I wasn't in a position to come face to face with this man right now.
I was scared, completely crippled in my spot with fear. I loved him so much that I didn't want him to hate me. Can he not hate me? I just didn't think that I could live with that. Even if we are no longer together… I can't...
The moment Usagi turned our way, my eyes dropped to the ground. I can't face him. I felt guilt, as well as betrayal: guilt at the way I handled things and at how I didn't just fess my love to him; and betrayal at how easily he let me go. I would rather have had him yell at me when it happened, than have him completely block me out of his life the way he did. And yet again, I came to the conclusion of it being my fault.
"T-Takahiro." I heard his raspy voice, the one he used to whisper to me with; the same voice that he told me he loved me with… It's only been a day, but I sure as hell miss it. I didn't know why he sounded hesitant, but I didn't dare look up. I didn't dare look his way.
"Hello!" my naïve brother said before gripping my arm and starting to walk towards Usagi-san excitedly.
Usagi's POV
I was having one terrible day. I was barely able to drag myself out of bed. I didn't want to face a day without my Misaki. It felt so unbearable without him around. Every day was like it was forced upon me.
I went through the three packs of cigarettes I had left in my house. Running out didn't curb my appetite for the toxin as I craved it like never before. I wanted to feel something other than this suffocation that was definitely not the cause of the smoking I was doing. The cigarettes were somehow dulling that pain, but I needed more… Something stronger.
As the thought occurred to me, I looked up at the clock. Was it strange that I remembered that Misaki finished class now? Normally I would be on my way now to pick him up. Maybe if I did, I would be able to make amends with him and beg him to come back to the pathetic self that I have become without him.
I heaved a sigh. I knew I couldn't do that. I dragged myself off of the couch I was lazing around on and headed to the door. One thought in my mind was that I needed a way to rid myself of this constant ache in my chest; perhaps a good dose of alcohol would sate it… just maybe…
I made my way to the convenience store; unconsciously going to the one Misaki liked shopping at. I would normally be dragged to it because Misaki liked shopping there most, ignoring the one that was closer to us almost every time. Dragged was an exaggeration, I actually liked going there… in fact, going anywhere with the kid was something I took every opportunity I got to do.
I sighed as I walked into it, making my way towards the liquor aisle as my first stop. I didn't really take the time to look around, grabbing a couple of bottles before heading towards the cashier and asking him to include cigarettes to the bill.
I was about to pay when I heard my name being called, making me look towards where the very familiar voice came from. What shocked me to the core was the unexpected sight of the Takahashi brothers; more Misaki than Takahiro.
I couldn't move my eyes from Misaki, even as I spoke his brother's name, which came out as a stutter. My Misaki… I wanted to take him into my arms so bad. He looked troubled, so I didn't speak to him. I tried my best not to. Perhaps he was mad at me. I wish I could read his thoughts…
His eyes never once met mine, even as his brother dragged him towards where I was. Ah, the naiveté of Takahiro astounded me. As much as he knew his brother, he didn't seem to know a thing of what was going on, or what was bothering his brother.
Takahiro started chatting up a storm. I tried to listen to him, focus on his words, but my eyes kept going back to Misaki.
Look at me… I wanted so badly for his eyes to look towards me… his beautiful, gorgeous green orbs that were so perfect and innocent.
I didn't realize when Takahiro stopped talking, but then he called my name and that snapped me out of it. He finally seemed to realize that something was bothering his brother, as he looked between the two of us with a frown before he asked seriously, "Are the two of you fighting?"
"N-No…" I heard Misaki's meek voice say. As low as it was, I wanted to hear it some more. Please say something else…
"Then what is it?" Takahiro asked.
"Nothing." This time it was me who replied, not wanting Misaki to have to explain things to his brother when he definitely seemed not to want to do so.
He then looked less serious, but still was frowning as he turned to Misaki and said, "Misaki, don't be rude, say hi then."
Yes, still naïve as ever.
Misaki seemed to tense. I wanted to hold him. Tell him that it was all right as he started to shake. I could see his fists balled at his sides. He was stressed… I didn't want to be the cause of it, but I knew I was. As soon as I opened my mouth to finally say something to him directly, I stopped as I yet again lost my chance when he dashed towards the door.
Misaki's POV
I couldn't hear a thing beyond the pounding of my heart in my ears. He didn't say a word… not to me. I was dreading this. He seemed to have moved on… as if he didn't care anymore. My eyes filled with tears and I fought hard against them. I didn't want to cry… I didn't want to make him feel guilty, as it was not his fault where we were now: it was all on me.
Nii-chan asked if we were in a fight, and I replied with a simple 'no', as I couldn't muster any other word. My heart felt heavy, and I knew that if I spoke any more that my tears would be heard in my voice… Even with the simple 'no', I couldn't control the quiver that my voice held.
Nii-chan was making things harder for me, especially when he told me to greet Usagi. He didn't know how much I wanted that. How badly I wanted to just wrap my arms around him, and be engulfed in his embrace as I begged for him to forgive me for being so stupid.
But everything felt like it was too much. A simple request of a greeting was too much for me right then. I was at a breaking point. Probably passed it even, as I felt a tear slip from my eyes.
I didn't need this right now. I had to get out of there. I didn't want them to see me in tears. I wouldn't show them how pathetic I really was. I indeed was pathetic, for not being able to fess my love to the man I truly ever felt anything for, and the one that made me feel like I was floating in bliss when he was around me.
I acted like a stupid kid and made him despise me, shun me even. How could have I been so…stupid…? I lost the one I cared for so much just because of my stubbornness and a wavering resolve.
I couldn't stay there anymore, so I ran out of the store, into the street, barely hearing the honking of car horns and my brother's voice from behind me, calling for me to stop. But I didn't. I kept running.
How long I ran, I have no idea. But when I stopped, I was heavily panting, completely breathless, and my lungs were burning from the effort. By now I was full out crying, unable to contain the tears that were leaving my eyes. I wiped my hand against my cheek before leaning against a wall I was close to.
I looked around to try and see where I was, finally spotting a park. The street was empty and the park as well. I made my way there, slumping against a bench as I covered my face with my hands and allowed myself to cry for my loss. Yes. It was the biggest loss I have felt after my parents' death.
What would they think of me if they knew I was crying over a man that I have fallen in love with…?
I stopped that train of thought though. It was that kind of thinking that had gotten me in this mess in the first place. I wanted Usagi-san… Why did it take so long for me to realize that? To realize how much I truly loved him? I always guessed that it was enough to feel it, that he would understand what I felt. But now that I think about it, I wonder how in the world he would have known what I felt unless he could read minds and he definitely can't do that…
I cried my heart out. I couldn't stop the sobs that left my lips as I wept. Pathetic. My mind kept repeating, as if I didn't feel so terrible already, my self-worth hitting rock bottom. I was pining over a man that has already moved on. I should move on too… but it felt so wrong…
If it wasn't wrong, then why does my chest feel like it is being ripped to shreds…?My mind tried to reason with me. It was as if I was in a dialogue with myself, always contradicting my own thoughts, especially ones of Usagi. It felt like I was losing my mind.
"Usagi…" I sobbed. Was it wrong of me to want him even after how I treated him…? How I didn't show him the same kindness and love that he showered me with…? "I'm sorry…" I was; terribly, utterly, completely sorry and regretful. I wanted to tell him that… No, I needed to tell him that I was sorry. I needed to know that he forgave me. I knew for sure that I wouldn't be able to live like this… not without closure at least. I had to find out if he forgave my ignorance and dimwittedness. I never meant for him to hate me… I never wanted him to.
AN: My dear readers, I would like to let you know that a misunderstanding did happen in the story, but it is mainly about Misaki missing his chance to finally tell Usagi that he loves him. And when you consider all the facts, its not even that, as Usagi was kind of avoiding Misaki, if you noticed in the last Usagi POV in the first chapter, that he was thinking of how to play off telling Misaki to leave as another of the moments that he didn't mean.
Anyway, just wanted to point that out, and tell all my lovely readers that there will be Lemon. I like writing... "Mature", because "Pervy" is such an ugly word to describe the sweetness. So there will be Lemon, rest assures you "Mature" loving readers.
Thanks for the lovely reviews. I really like hearing your feedback, so don't hesitate in dropping a line.
