Chapter 5

A week of hell. That was what the last week had felt like to Arthur, a week of hell. He walked around with a sinking sensation and felt anxious any time he laid eyes on his servant. Merlin however, seemed perfectly fine. After that first day when he ran off and Arthur feared the worst, he came back the next day acting perfectly fine. He acted as usual and even joked around. Arthur knew he should be happy that his stupidity didn't ruin their friendship but if he was being honest about it, he hated that Merlin just got over it so quickly. He felt guilty about thinking this and reprimanded himself, but it really hurt that to Merlin it was just business as usual. For him, it was not.

When he wasn't obsessing about having ruined his chances with Merlin he was reliving the events of that night. He would be trying really hard to think about anything else and before he realised how it happened he was sporting a huge hard-on thinking about Merlin's ass around his dick, or the feel of Merlin's cock in his mouth, or the taste of his soft lips.

Despite the anxiety somehow he always woke up with a hard-on wishing Merlin was there to help him take care of it. Of course more often than not the moment that thought crossed his mind, Merlin would show up to help him with anything he needed, except obviously he wouldn't never ask him to do anything sexual after than damned night.

It was like being torn into pieces. On one hand, he really wanted to relive that night again and again and again, and for it to never stop. And on the other hand, his guilt over having had the enjoyment of experiencing it once was already eating him alive.

Arthur was feeling rather sick of all this emotional crap and as he fastened his belt, getting ready to go out and meet the knights, he resolved to enjoy himself tonight. It was Leon's birthday and they decided to throw a min-feast at the barracks, after hours. It was an exclusive party, only for knight and invitees. They had learned their lesson after Gwaine's birthday the previous year where the clean-up of the grounds took half a week and Uther was beside himself screaming at Arthur.

When Arthur got there, everyone else had already arrived. All the members of the round table, a couple of women he never saw before, a couple he knew from previous occasions, Gwen and of course Merlin. Arthur took a deep breath, braced himself and then put on a huge smile and went to pat Leon on the back to congratulate him.

All in all, it was going better than Arthur expected. The knights were joking around, Leon was sloppily making out with one of the new women. Arthur was having a nice enough conversation with Gwen, who was just about to head away as things were becoming a tad messy. Arthur said good-bye to her and walked her in the direction of her house, she insisted he turn back half-way there and go back to the party. When he returned he went to join the little cluster with Elyan, Gwaine (whom Arthur positively disliked lately) and Percival.

"So, Arthur did you have a good time with Elyan's little sister?" Said Percival, with the clear intent of riling Elyan, but the latter didn't take the bait.

"At least my sister has the gorgeous looks to interest a prince"

"Ha, she must be the neighbour's daughter coz she sure as hell doesn't have your ugly ass face"

"Hm, your mom seems to like it" retorted Elyan. Percival gave him an unimpressed look, and Elyan responded it with a smug smile.

"I hope you guys realise how hopelessly unfunny you both are, like Percival's mom would ever go for you" Said Gwaine, smirking.

"Like you would ever go for his mum," Elyan answered.

"That with my mum missing those beautiful brown eyes"

"And that positively tasty trim waist"

"I also doubt she has any of those blue tunics you seem to love soo much" Percival said licking his lips and Gwaine threw a bone at him. Elyan and Percival started laughing and Gwaine along with them, and Arthur suddenly felt like punching all of them in the face. So they all knew about Merlin and Gwaine and it wasn't a new thing.

Arthur was just contemplating having to put on a big smile not to seem too out of place when he saw Merlin walking leisurely away from the party. Suddenly, despite everything, he had a longing to go join him on his walk and pretend for just a minute that Merlin wasn't his servant, that he wasn't the prince and that they hadn't slept together a week ago and ruined their amazing brother-like relationship dynamic.

Before he even realised what was going on, he was already rushing to Merlin's side. They wouldn't even have to talk, just walking would be fine. Arthur firmly shot down a small nagging voice at the back of his head that was claiming this wasn't a good idea, that Merlin was clearly with Gwaine and that he swore he would never again try to make a move. He was like an alcoholic sitting in front of a pint of freshly drawn pale ale, he knew that taking a sip may ruin his life again but he couldn't do anything to stop his hand from grabbing that cold pint.

"Merlin, wait up" he called just as his mind was telling him it's not too late to turn back.

"Arthur" Merlin exclaimed a little surprised, "You're heading home so soon?"

"Well I was going to ask you the same thing" He wasn't actually, he just wanted to walk with him. He was a little tipsy, but that didn't matter, he just wanted to walk.

"I'm all partied out, early morning tomorrow"

"Ah, yes of course, all those boots that need shining" what the hell was he on about? This is so uncool, Arthur, get your shit together!

"Do you mind if I walk with you, wouldn't want some hooligans to jump you on the way" He was going to say 'and rape you' but then he hesitated, he still wasn't sure if what he had done qualified as consensual sex. It probably did. Probably.

"How very chivalrous of you" Merlin seemed a little confused by Arthur's attention, but perhaps he was still feeling guilty, and this is just his way of trying to apologize. Arthur had been acting a little weird the last week; Merlin could tell he was still feeling guilty. That night was on Merlin's mind a lot too he was just much better at hiding it. Keeping secrets was kind of his thing.

They walked on in silence. Arthur wanted to come up with something witty to say or just something to say at all, but he couldn't think of anything suitable. The night was so nice; the air was fresh and warm. The night sky was a beautiful, rich dark blue and the stars seemed to be shinning more brightly than ever before, or perhaps Arthur just never noticed them.

The night was perfect really, except that the walk was coming to an end, and Arthur wanted to drag his heels into the ground just to prevent this moment from ever ending. They reached Gaius' home and Merlin turned to face Arthur again.

"I think I got it from here, sire. Thanks for walking me" He said with a smile and after a moment he seemed like he was ready to turn away towards the door.

"Merlin" Arthur called with a little desperate note in his voice, Merlin turned his head back to face Arthur and the latter, completely ignoring the warning voice shouting out in his head, arched up and kissed Merlin. It was soft and lingered for only a second, before Arthur pulled away.

"I'm sorry, I just really needed to do that" Arthur said defeated. That was it, he took that sip of the forbidden ale, it could mean the end of this friendship, but just for a moment, the feel of those soft lips was enough to merit a lifetime of misery.

"Arthur, I…" Merlin didn't even know what he was going to say, he was so confused he couldn't comprehend what was going on.

"I know you're with Gwaine, and I understand that you don't think of me that way" Arthur took a long deep breath, paying for God to give him strength to finish talking. "And I am so, so, so very sorry for the other night. I.. There is no excuse, I am your prince and you're my servant and I abused my position in a way that is so wrong that it breaks my heart"

"Arthur, it's…"

"Please, let me finish. It's not ok, Merlin. I understand why you felt you couldn't say no, Merlin. Even though sometimes I blame you for not speaking up I understand how someone as devoted, and as loyal and as amazing as you wouldn't think to refuse, even if… even if you didn't want me to do that to you…"

"Arthur, please…" Merlin's heart was breaking for the heartbreak Arthur was evidently feeling, he just wanted to tell him that he didn't not say no because of some sense of obligation, it was because he wanted Arthur to do that to him, and maybe not in that way, but at that moment, he would take what he could get.

"Merlin I love you, I have always loved you. Since the day I first laid eyes on your goofy face, I think. Or maybe it was after I saw that beautiful smile. I never wanted to hurt you, or use you like a common whore. Never. I would never do that." You did "I just, I had wanted you for so long that, that night, I don't think it even felt real that it was finally, actually happening." Arthur lowered his face, his voice starting to tremble at the last few words. He didn't know how he could go on living now that he had finally bared his soul, knowing he could never be loved the way he yearned to be loved.

Suddenly though he found himself thrown against the wall, before his confusion cleared there were lips crashing against his and a tongue seeking entry into his mouth. Merlin's whole body was moulded into his and he closed his eyes and all he could feel was Merlin all around him. This night was perfect.

"Arthur, I love you" Merlin said as soon as their mouths detached from each other.

"I love you so much" He said again and laughed a little, burrowing his head into Arthur's collar bone. Arthur instinctively put his arms around him and drew him close. Merlin raised his head to rest on his shoulder and brought his own hands around Arthur's waist to complete the embrace.

"I didn't say 'no' that night, because I had been dreaming of the night you would make love to me for years. And I was upset after we were done because I was convinced you had only fucked me because you were drunk and that I didn't even matter to you enough that you would care about that possibly ruining our friendship. I'm so insecure sometimes, Arthur. I could never imagine a man like you could love me" He whispered all of this in Arthur's ear without releasing his hold on him.

"Oh Merlin…." Arthur wasn't even sure what else he could say to this. They had both been such epic fools.

Well, maybe there was one thing he could say.

"I love you"

A/N OK, guys, I hope you enjoyed that. I plan to write one more chapter to wrap this up. Those of you who've read any of my other stories probably know I'm a sucker for a good epilogue. But it might be a little while before I get around to it. Please let me know what you think. Remember, reviews = love