Meet Maleficent from classic Disney's Sleeping Beauty. She is about to curse the newborn princess Aurora. This will lead to her being stabbed by the princess's fiancé, a fate that could have been avoided if she had a Sassy Gay Friend.
In the great hall of the royal palace everyone was staring in terror as the dark fairy raised her hands, ready to utter the incantation, when suddenly the large wooden doors burst open to reveal Sassy Gay Friend.
"What are you doing?" He shouted over the frightened whispers from the court as he pointed in her direction, one strand his salmon scarf flapping in the air behind him. "What, what, what are you doing?"
Cue Sassy Gay Friend's theme tune as he pretends to wave a magic wand
Maleficent's eyes widened in surprise for a moment but quickly turned back to the glowing green orb on top of her sceptre.
"Oh no you don't miss I-hate kids, step a-way from the cradle!" He ordered firmly once he reached her, wagging his finger.
She scowled but took a small step back so she could face him. "I am about to exact my revenge on these fools once and for all! I shall decree that on her sixteenth birthday the princess will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel…and die!"
At this she let out a stream of cruel laughter that echoed around the castle walls. While the spectators trembled with fear Sassy Gay Friend remained unfazed.
"A spinning wheel? Really? What's she gonna do, get a splinter?"
"It will be a poisoned splinter." Maleficent retorted coldly, not noticing that her pet raven had flown off to raid one of the nearby buffets.
Sassy Gay Friend looked at her in disbelief before continuing. "Ok, weird weapon choice aside, what exactly did they do to you to deserve this? Is the King your ex-boyfriend or something?"
Immediately the malevolent fairy shot him her worst look. However, while flinching slightly he stood his ground. "Okay! Maybe another time when there are no kiddies in the audience, I get it!" The king was also glaring at him but he took no notice.
However she chose to give an answer anyway, looking down at the amethyst hem of her skirt that fanned out in front of her, as if she had not heard his words.
"I received no invitation to this ceremony." She stated blankly. There was a small silence as he waited for her to go on but apparently that was all she would reveal.
Sassy Gay Friend stared at her, flabbergasted. "That's it? You take their child from them because you weren't invited to a birthday party? Your problem is that you take everything two steps too far! Do I throw a tantrum and burn down the store every time the person in front of me buys the last pair of skinny jeans?"
"One time you almost did." She shot back.
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well that was different! You know that she didn't have the build for them!"
While this made her give a small smile, it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. This did not go unnoticed by Sassy Gay Friend.
"Maleficent who cares if a couple of prissy parents don't invite you to their kid's party? Would you even have enjoyed it? I mean look at the décor in here! They can't tell their reds from their oranges and though they clearly haven't invested in big enough wall decorations, the ones they have all clash with each other! Do you really want to spend valuable time getting a headache from staring at… those?" He gestured to a particularly vile hanging that was tomato-orange and was adorned with a navy black symbol outlined in mustard gold. Maleficent turned a slightly darker shade of green than her usual jade complexion.
"Hideous, right?" He nodded in agreement. "Wait 'til you see what they've got lined up for entertainment! Does standing around talking to people you've never met and most likely will never talk to again while listening to music by singers who can't sing sound like fun to you?"
"Well… if you word it that way," Maleficent began but he didn't stop there.
"But that's not even the worst part! They don't even have any alcohol!"
The dark fairy's eyes widened. "What?" She whispered in surprise. "But that is most vital part of a celebration! It was indeed, the sole reason for why I bothered to attend this gathering!" She looked to Sassy Gay Friend with curiosity. "Tell me, if what you say is true, and there are no alcoholic beverages, what have they decided upon for a replacement?"
Sassy Gay Friend looked grim. "You really want to know? I warn you, it's not going to be pretty!"
Maleficent held her head high. "I am the mistress of all evil. I think I can handle whatever concoction they have in store."
Sassy Gay Friend paused for dramatic effect. "The only drink on offer is… orange squash."
"SQUASH?!" Maleficent gasped, one of her eyelids twitching madly.
"Told you so." The flamboyant man remarked. However Maleficent paid no attention as she was still seething.
"That-that watery excuse for a drink? Would it have killed the precious royal couple of cheapskates to at least purchase real orange juice? Anything is better than that filthy fruit-flavoured sewer water!"
"They probably spent it all on the drapes." Sassy Gay Friend shrugged.
"Oh this kingdom will suffer my wrath! I will curse generations upon generations of the royal family for offering this meagre substance!" Her black robes flared up with green flame in her anger.
"Whoa!" Sassy Gay Friend gestured with his hands to stop her blaspheming. "Slow down crazy! Slow down!" He said in a calming manner. To the immense relief of everyone in the room she lowered her arms, ceasing the flames.
Sassy Gay Friend looked her squarely in the eye. "I don't think this is just about the party, is it?" It was a statement, not a question.
Maleficent looked at him with a tired expression that was full of sorrow. "You understand I didn't always use to be like this. But not one soul in these lands seems to want to make my acquaintance! I recognize that I am evil but every so often I feel I will go insane when my only company is an army of goons who can't even follow the simplest order to make me a grilled cheese sandwich! Of course it doesn't help that the most intelligent out of all of them is a pig…" She trailed off as a lone tear trailed down her cheek.
Sassy Gay Friend patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Aw I know, I know, it's tough being surrounded by pigs, but you want to hear a secret? I know for a fact that there are millions of people out there who do care about you! And who knows? Maybe one day in the future they'll make a whole movie about you starring Angelina Jolie! But in the meantime how about we ditch this joint and go to a real party? I know someplace where the cocktails are on fire!"
At this Maleficent's lime green eyes lit up. "Now that does sound intriguing! I must admit, I have always wanted to try a beverage like that!"
"Oh I wasn't just talking about the drinks!" Sassy Gay Friend winked. Maleficent shook her head with a small smile but nevertheless linked her arm with his as they exited the large stone building together, her raven finally swooping up to join them with a beakful of stale cheese-cubes.
"Honestly, sometimes you are quite…"
"-I know." He interrupted with a laugh. "I'm a stupid bitch."
End
And so SGF has worked his magic on one of the most feared Disney villains of all time! And it just so happens that there will be a live action Disney movie about Maleficent starring Angelina Jolie, apparently it's coming out 2014. While I tried to hint that she has a tragic back-story I have no idea what exactly Disney has in store for everyone's favourite villainess…
