Meet Cruella De Vil from Disney's 101 Dalmatians. She is about to arrange the kidnapping of fifteen puppies. This will lead her arrest and eventual mental breakdown. She could have avoided all this if she had a Sassy Gay Friend.
"Those fools! I'll show them! I'll show all of them!" Cruella seethed, parking her red Rolls Royce on a good half of the pavement next to a street phone box in a sheltered area of town.
Once she had successfully locked the vehicle she strode over to the phone box like she meant business. However just as she swung open the door to call those dozy minions of hers, she jumped back, startled at the sight of a person in there.
"What are you doing?" Sassy Gay Friend emerged from the small public building in one fluid motion. "What, what, what are you doing?"
Cue Sassy Gay Friend's theme tune as he flips his scarf over his shoulder with a wink
"If those idiots aren't going to give me the puppies I have to resort to other methods!" Cruella's eyes glinted dangerously.
Sassy Gay Friend's eyes widened. "Did all that ink you drank as a child blot out your brain cells? You can't just steal someone else's pets! You could end up in jail! I know that the orange jumpsuit style is not a good look for you! And who knows what you'd get stuck with for community service!"
Cruella scowled, rolling her eyes in an exaggerated manner. "You fool! Of course I'm not going to carry it out myself! Do you think I want to get caught? Jasper and Horace will take care of those little beasts as soon as their spots have grown!"
"Oh, the fat guy and the thin guy, right? You know like the bad Laurel and Hardy sketch, the ones who just laze around watching TV? Just the guys I'd want to put in charge of my personal affairs!" Sassy Gay Friend uttered sarcastically.
The mad millionairess threw up her hands in impatient frustration. "Well it's too late to find anyone else now, I need those puppies and their coats as soon as possible!"
Sassy Gay Friend held up a hand to silence her. "Ok we seriously need to deal with this unhealthy fur fixation thing you've got going on pronto! First it was fox hats, then it was ocelot leggings and now it's innocent little puppies? What's next, belts with baby panda heads?"
The domino haired woman glowered. "Of course not! Do you think I like looking at miserable animal faces? And My pastime is perfectly valid!"
"Cruella you're the reason the Javan tigers died out." Sassy Gay Friend said frankly.
"Well why should it be a problem if I dress well? You sound just like one of those wretched conservationists! If the nasty little brutes are going extinct that's their problem! I'm just a follower of fashion!"
"Honey, I'm a follower of fashion but you don't see me walking down the high street wearing bits of other people's dogs!" Sassy Gay Friend raised his eyebrows. "First off, eww it's gross resembling something that pisses on hydrants out in the open, and secondly, I'm pretty sure that there are other materials on the menu in this month's vogue!"
"Maybe so but why should I give up my favourite style for a few measly magazines? I love furs! I live for furs! They make me feel so classy, so secure, and sexy…" Watching her huddle herself deeper into the huge coat made Sassy Gay Friend come to a realization.
"Ok is it me or is all this fur compensating for something?"
"What do you mean by that?" She looked at him cynically.
"I say it's time to make this addiction extinct! Step out of that coat right now, do some shopping for new clothes, preferably ones that no animals were harmed in the making of! You'll feel better and the activists will respect you for it."
"Preposterous!" Cruella snapped. "Give up my fur coats? How dare you suggest such a thing!"
"Out of the coat." Sassy Gay Friend insisted firmly.
"I refuse!" She stood her ground.
"Out of the coat!" Sassy Gay Friend repeated the order, making beckoning signals.
"Never!"
"Fine, we're gonna have to do this the hard way!" He grabbed hold of the thick white hood and wrenched it off her. She kicked and screamed and tried to pull away but he wasn't having any of it. However, when her and the coat were finally separated, he gave a huge gasp at her sticklike figure.
"Look at you! You're all skin and bones!" He exclaimed.
"Imbecile! Give me back my coat!" She yelled furiously, although when she took it back, she didn't put it back on and instead kept it in her scrawny arms.
"Ok, when was the last time you ate anything?" Sassy Gay Friend demanded. "And I'm not talking about the one slice of green pepper a week!" He added just as she opened her mouth. This resulted in a few minutes pause.
"If I'm being perfectly honest I can't really remember when I began my diet." She admitted eventually, looking down at the fur in her arms. "It's quite peculiar really, because of my smoking, I never really had much of an appetite."
"And how long have you been like this? Don't you see all the non-smoking posters everywhere?"
"I thought that if I dressed in the latest fashions nobody would notice. And wearing all my lovely furs I felt like I was young and beautiful again…" She trailed off, deep in thought.
Sassy Gay Friend looked her straight in the eye. "You know what I think? I think that all this time you've been hiding inside those coats because you don't wanna confront your body issues!"
"Well…" Cruella wavered slightly. "You may be right… but what am I supposed to do now?" For probably the first time in her life she looked lost and unsure of herself.
However Sassy Gay Friend immediately gave a bright grin, showing off his pearly white teeth. "I tell ya what we're gonna do- we're gonna go up to Harrods, you are going to get a new wardrobe and some nicotine patches, and you are going to eat something solid!" He announced, like he meant business.
"Now let's get moving!" He ordered, gesturing for them to go towards the very awkwardly parked car.
"Ooh…" He stared uncomfortably at position of the automobile and the various dents on the hood and doors.
"…On second thoughts, how about I drive?" He suggested.
She gave a tiny smile. "If you must… but only because I feel too tired at the moment!"
"Then it's settled! Now get in the car you stupid bitch!" He opened the door to the passenger seat for her to get in.
"She's a stupid bitch." He declared, before getting into the driver seat.
End
