Chapter 2
The next morning, Liz found herself looking out her bedroom door and into the hallway where Kid was running his thin, pale fingers against the bottom edge of a picture frame. He was trying to see if it was level, as he had been since he got home. He was crying quietly. Why couldn't he at least keep things symmetrical? If he really was blind, then there wasn't much point in maintaining symmetry anyway. (This entire paragraph has the same idea as another paragraph from a different story called "Golden Eyes" where Kid goes blind. I honestly love that fic.)
"Kid?" Liz asked quietly, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kid jumped, startled. "Are you okay?"
Kid gazed in the range of her voice. His eyes rippled with fresh tears.Liz pulled the crying boy close and murmured words of security in his ear. Of course it was the boy with OCD that went blind. (And THAT is a complete rip-off of a sentence from "Golden Eyes.")
Dreams are a strange thing. (What the hell are you talking about now?) You're dying, but in the forest, they want you to live. (Oh, that's a Knock-Knock reference. Nice that she could put that in there, but isn't it a bit… you know, not fitting? I mean, maybe it's fitting for Soul Eater, but the forest?) There was a certain girl perched in a tree combing through her long, snowy white hair. She wanted to see Kid live. She wanted to see him surpass his father, and she would do anything to make sure he did.
"Only time praises me, Why won't it stop?" she sang to herself.
"Nee kando zero, sukoshi tarinai atama wo
My emotions are zero, my head is missing a bit (=Foreshadowing)
Furishibotte agaitetatte nanimo
Even if I muster, even if I struggle
Kawaranai no sa
Nothing changes
Sandome no uso wa mou barete shimatta yo
The third lie has already been exposed ( More foreshadowing.)
Hiraki nao tsute sa
Be serious
Shiranai, Shiranai, Shiranai! (Shiranai kind of looks like Shiranui, which is the name of Amaterasu's past self in the game and this fanfiction. Cool, I guess.)
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!"
She fell silent as she drew the sharp rock across the river of her hair, cutting it just below her chin. (This girl grew her hair extremely long all her life just so she could cut it to look like Kid's at this very moment. Why, you ask? Because I don't know. That's why. Also, she called it a river of hair, which is dumb because she said in her quiz video that she doesn't use poetic terms for her OC.)
(Also, she's singing Kando Reduction by Akiakane. Don't ask me how that's a sin, it just is, because she's basically a rip-off of Amaterasu from Okami and listens to punk music. Like Maka. Oh, now I get it.) Ding!
Kioku no oku tadoru
Yukiba naku kawareyuku kokoro tsunagitome
Mou ichido kono basho de
Te wo totte eien' no hate e tsuredashite
Kakedashi toki ga hashiridasu
Mirai wo shiru sono sube wo nigirishime
Ashita wo mitsuketa no
Demo fuan do shou ga nai kokoro wo kakusenai
Kasureta koe de tobashita omoi mo
Todokanai mujou ni kieteku kokoro wo tsukamenai
Hitomi ni utsushita kioku kaeshite
Kono saki no mirai ni kitto mata deaeru to shin'jite!
(And now she's writing the opening title lyrics in Japanese, just like they do in anime. She's trying too hard.)
The next day at school was exceptionally challenging. (Why is Kid going to school right away? If he's blind and crap, why doesn't he just take a couple days off? You know, to… learn Braille or something?) Although his partners, friends, and even his own father was supportive of Kid taking the day off, the stubborn boy asserted that he attend school. It was a classic game; ignore the unusual, and it would probably go away. (This game doesn't work when you're blind. Does Kid know this? Because I think Kid should know this.)
He always needed help from his partners; if it weren't for them, he would constantly be running into walls and tripping to the floor. (The author has taken a badass hot character and turned him into a total pussy.) The floor was cold and hard and, despite what the vampire romance novelists think, not at all inviting. (Twilight reference.)
Struggling; A Mysterious Girl with the Ability to Heal Broken Hearts? (You may think this OC is a Mary Sue for having a power like this, but this is probably the weakest and least prominent of her powers.)
Ame stood at the foot of the massive stone steps leading to the DWMA. (I'm glad we finally pin a name on this girl, but how are we supposed to know that she's the girl from before? Or that she was the special wolf with red markings from the first chapter?) Why did she have to walk up all those stairs? (If she truly is a wolf-goddess with a wolf-form, she does not have to complain about all the stairs!) She was just a guest going to speak with Lord Death. A woman stood behind her, a nervous look in her golden eyes as she fiddled with her long, grey-tipped white hair. (The author neglected to mention that they look alike. Or what they really look like at all, which would be okay if they didn't have features like wolf ears and a wardrobe that makes Ame look like a Wa-Lolita shrine maiden.)
"I'll be fine Mom," Ame reassured her. "This is my first time alone in the human realm, (Human realm is not really a thing, you know. Not even in this fanfiction. So what, Ame lives in a special part of the forest that can't be accessed by human beings. That does not necessarily make it a non-human realm.) but it's a get in, get out job. I'll speak to Lord Death about the Kishin and have it exterminated. ("exterminated" as in referring to "Spirit Extermination," the name of the Okami battle music? I'm down for references.) You don't have to worry about me."
"I wonder how Kid's doing today," Maka (Geez, you could at least double space before changing the setting.) talked to Soul quietly as she, Soul, and Tsubaki browsed through the school library. (Why is Tsubaki with them in the library? She should be watching Blackstar, really. At least give an explanation why Blackstar wants some alone time or whatever.) "I didn't see him in class."
"Stein said something about a special class," (Then why can't he take the in the comfort of his own home, huh? And wouldn't Liz be the one who told them? Does Liz even know where Kid is? Does she care?) Soul said. "Makes sense, I guess, considering…."
"Don't say it," Maka warned. (Having your friend go blind is serious, by why would Soul even walk into having to refer to Kid's problem?) Soul complied without a fight; things had been stressed at the limit since Kid's injury. Tsubaki put a reassuring hand on Maka's shoulder.
They were unaware of a certain girl watching them through gaps in the bookshelves. (Quit calling her 'a certain girl;' we know it's Ame. Also, I thought she was here to say hi to Lord Death. What the *BEEP* is she doing in the library stalking these guys?)
"They're so unhappy," she thought. "If only I could help like I was destined to, but now humans won't be able to see my efforts if I tried. I'm a useless god." (Ugh. Just ugh.)
She continued to watch them, never expecting Soul to turn around and actually see her. (She's behind a bookshelf. Who would care?) The girl looked down, pretending to be engrossed in the books in front of her before she realized they were way too close to her face to actually read. She glanced back at Soul, who was still watching her. (Okay, Soul just thinks she's a secret admirer, I guess and is okay with her stalking them.) He was grinning at her now, particularly at the snowy white tail peeking out from under her skirt. (And she's a furry.) He assumed it was just for cosplay. (And he's okay with that, too.) The girl blushed bright red and inched her way behind the other end of the bookshelves. She glanced around the corner, relieved when she didn't see him. As a matter of fact, she didn't see any of them. She heard a small chuckle and looked around the other corner. There—she saw something move! (Is she being playful, stupid, or stupidly playful? Or playfully stupid?!)
"Soul, cut it out," Maka reprimanded. "Just because you're bored doesn't mean you can just…." She trailed off, glimpsing at the girl. Suddenly, she felt intense joy wash over her, and she wanted to join in their little game. (Mary Sue? I mean, she just made them forget about their depression and stress and start playing around.) She didn't know what was wrong, or if anything was wrong at all, but she motioned for Tsubaki to follow her as she crept around the edge of the bookshelf.
The wolf-girl shyly hid behind the edge of the bookshelf again, (This grammar feels clunky.) glancing behind her to see if Soul was still following her. Surely her playful Madness wavelength would prevent him from wanting to abandon their childish game, but she wanted to make sure. No Soul in sight, but he was waiting behind the other edge. She was about to wait him out when a girl with blonde pigtails skipped up next to her.
"Hi there!" Maka greeted. The girl took a step away, unintentionally jumping into the middle of the aisle. Another girl with longer black hair stood behind the other bookshelf. Reinforcements, she was doomed! (This isn't actually that bad. Stupid, and OOC, yes, but it's oddly cute how everything is exaggerated.)
"No escape now," Tsubaki leered with a smile.
They stepped towards her, driving her down the aisle. The girl followed their motions non-competitively when they stopped walking and began laughing quietly. He was right behind her, wasn't he? She slowly turned around, her plushy tail all frizzed out and rigid. Soul was only a few inches away from her. She met his crimson eyes without fear. She smiled at him, wagging her tail to signal she was having fun. Soul grinned back and stared at her eyes, seeing their odd color.
"One gold and one green, huh?" he noticed. "Kid would have a heart attack."
"Do you know who I am?" the wolf girl asked, her tail moving ominously. (Okay, this suddenly got weird again. One minute they're all playful and shit, now she's being all creepy and ominous. Who needs consistency when she's the embodiment of madness, I guess.)
"No."
"Good," she purred. (Okay, after reading the whole fanfiction, the only word I think of anymore whenever she says this is PEDOPHILE!)
"Hey, be quiet in the library," a sharp voice chided. Soul turned around to see Kid sitting there, staring ahead blankly, his hand on a book. (So Kid has probably been in here the entire time and could hear them talking about him. Is he at all hurt by this?) Looks like he'd been annoyed with all the laughing.
"Oh, sorry, Kid," Soul apologized immediately.
"Is that you, Soul?" Kid asked, his eyes wandering over to their small group. (Wait, he didn't hear them? How could he not know who they were if he'd been hearing them this whole time? Was he just too focused on his Braille book that he didn't actually hear them? I guess I have no point here after all.) "Who were you talking to?"
Soul looked back to where the girl had been standing a second ago. She was gone now. Maka and Tsubaki glanced throughout the aisles, to see if she was hiding somewhere, but she'd disappeared entirely.
"Uh… it was nothing, Kid, forget about it." (By the time they checked the whole library for Ame, Kid would have given up on getting an answer because the pause would have been so awkwardly long.)
They didn't want to trouble him.
Soul Eater (Again, the transitions are cool, but were they supposed to be bold, or… centered or something? But that's more of a nit-pick.)
"Who do you think that girl was?" Maka asked Soul in between classes. (So when is this again? Were they in the library in the morning before class?) "I've never seen her around the academy before."
"Maybe she wasn't a student," Soul suggested. "I don't know why she was here, but she seemed to just be messing around. Maybe she's a relative of one of the staff members?" (Yeah, because your stalker can just wander the halls because she's a relative of a staff member. Also, how old was she, twelve?)
"Maybe," Maka looked up as she saw the same mysterious girl, wolf tail, headband, and all, walking away from the Death Room and down the hallway. No one else seemed very interested in her, but Maka couldn't help but feel suspicious. (Why in particular? Did her happy vibes or something make you suspicious? Or did the author just need an excuse for you to watch her for a minute?) She continued watching the girl as she walked out the front door and into the court yard where little Fire and Thunder were chasing each other. One of the twins tripped and fell down a few feet away from the girl.
The girl went out of her way to approach him and pick him back up. She set him down on his feet and patted his head kindly, then went on her way. The twins stared after her with intense interest for a long time. They seemed to see something about her that no one else did. (Those of you who came from watching the anime may not know this, but Kilik's weapons Pot of Fire and Pot of Thunder are shamans. But was it their shaman-ness or their child-ness that let them see Ame's true form? Or both?)
"I can't do it," Kid said in defeat as they were training later. (More poor transitions!) He and his two partners were alone in the backyard of his grand mansion, trying to hit targets. Kid put his arms down; he couldn't even hit a target one hundred feet away. He knew it; he was hopeless.
"Let's just try something else," Liz suggested, her reflection glancing off the side of the pistol. (More ripping off "Golden Eyes." I'm beginning to think that the author had this grand idea after reading that fanfiction.)
"Like what?" Kid turned to her, almost glaring. His disconcertingly blank stare made Liz repress a shudder. After a moment of silence, Kid sighed. "Fine," he grumbled, raising the twins again.
He couldn't even begin to find the target to aim at, but he tried doing a little more this time than he had been. He closed his eyes in concentration, let his soul reach out to those of his companions, and let them guide him. He hesitated, afraid of failure, but put his faith forward and pulled the trigger. It sounded like an impact.
"Perfect hit," Liz reported. (Changed "Bull's-eye" to something dumb and unprofessional-sounding so she wouldn't be ripping off "Golden Eyes.")
"Really?" Kid couldn't believe the success.
"We did it!" Patti hailed. "Maybe we can go on missions now!"
"You think so?" Kid laughed. He did it. He could do it. Things looked brighter now. Maybe he would be able to pull through this time after all. (Not to burst your bubble, but you hit one target. You are not ready to take on Kishin yet.)
They were all so joyous that not even Liz and Patti were aware of someone watching them. It was a girl lying on her stomach on the roof, watching their training as it continued. (Don't beat yourselves up, Liz and Patti, since she's on the roof of your ginormous mansion, she probably can't see you either.) Two large white wolves lay on either side of her, keeping guard. None of them were very used to the big city. One wolf turned his head and let out a throaty growl.
"It's okay," the girl said, scratching the bridge of his muzzle. (I'm not sure if Ame's has two wolf brothers to compliment Liz and Patti or to make a Princess Mononoke reference…. Because if it's a Mononoke reference, which I'm thinking it is because this exchange is very similar to one in Mononoke, I'm down. If it's to compliment Kid… there's a storm coming.) "Five more minutes."
"Ame, are you sure we should be doing this?"
"Stop complaining," she corrected. "He's Lord Death's son. If he dies, Madness will reign free. Humans can no longer accept our madness like before. (According to the anime and manga, humans could never accept Madness. That's why it's portrayed as bad.) We're going to stay in the forest where we can't bother anyone."
"But you completely reset—" (Foreshadowing that takes so long to be explained that everybody forgets about this line by the time the explanation is revealed.)
A small cry echoed through the yard. (Foreshadowing interrupted by a breakdown.) Ame looked down again to see Kid twitch violently, dropping his weapons, and collapse to his knees. He put a hand over his eyes in obvious distress. Ame stared at the scene as his two weapons transformed and tried to help him.
"He's blind," she realized. (YOU JUST REALIZED THIS! YOU FFFF*CKING IDOT!) "What happened to him? It's as if I can sense compressed wavelengths of Madness in his eyes…."
"Kid, what's wrong?" Liz asked, touching the side of his face and gently pulling his hand away to reveal his eyes.
"It still hurts," he whispered frantically, his eyes wide and his pupils narrowed to pinpricks with fear. He began clawing at his eyes, blood splattering on the grass. (This is kind of violent for a fluffy fanfiction. It's just a mixed bag of everything, really.) Liz pulled him to his feet and took him inside the house. Kid followed her cautiously, sitting down on the couch as she wanted him to.
"Here," she said, handing him a cool, wet cloth. Kid pressed it to his face, grateful for the soothing water.
"Thank you," he sighed in relief. "I feel better now. I don't know what happened; it just started to hurt again all of a sudden."
"I don't like the sound of that," Liz murmured, touching his face with her hands. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead gently. Kid blushed. (Grow up.) He'd never been kissed by her before. He'd never thought of Liz in any special way… not really… but…. He felt so alone now.
"I hate this," Kid whispered. He was sick of crying, sick of being afraid. Liz drew him close to her in a tight embrace, as she had so often lately. They were completely over the slightly awkward feeling when they touched each other. (Then why did he just blush when she kissed him? Grow up!)
"Don't be. It's okay now. We did well during training, so you have nothing to worry about right now. We'll keep training and you'll be able to fight again, don't worry."
"Stop lying to me!" Kid cried. "You know I can't live like this! Look at me; I'm blind! There's nothing that can be done about it, so just give it up." (Why is Kid being so bipolar about everything? I actually liked this little scene with Liz and Kid as a slight nod to the LizxKid fan community, but you're screwing it up!)
"Kid…." Did he really just say that? Was he really just going to give up? They were doing so well, though. (Can I remind you that you only hit one target? One?) How could…? Of course. It was the inevitable truth. Kid was blind. He didn't want to live like this. He needed something, but Liz wasn't enough to fill that position anymore. She never was. (This is your final warning that this is not and never will be a KidxLiz fic; bundled in the tears of starving children and delivered in three short words. KidxLiz shippers cried during this scene. What a tease.)
This chapter is a bit sadder. It's also a bit longer. Well, I'll keep working at it and have the rest posted soon. (You know, I might just appreciate this author updating so often if I could keep up and the chapters were as good as I want them to be.)
CHAPTER CLEAR!
TOTAL SCORE: 59!
