"Dude, what the hell?"
Ermac and Kenshi stared in disbelief as Liu Kang and Baraka continued to dance to the same song they've been dancing to for the past eight years since the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Ermac looked around and noticed that G-Spot had been closed down and was renovated into a nursing home. Shujinko was rolling around in his wheelchair screaming about some conspiracy theory that Putin was trying to convince him he was Bruce Jenner.
"I can't believe those two have been here this whole time." Ermac shook his head. Kenshi remained silent until a tumbleweed rolled by.
"I can't see shit."
Meanwhile, Sindel was literally moving like a slug towards the breakfast table. She was so hungover that she begged the Elder Gods to kill her but they were out partying with the Justice League. Jade was struggling to eat her oatmeal but she kept getting reminded about how it looked like vomit.
"My head hurts." Sub-Zero stirred and he awoke next to a snoozing Kitana. Her mouth was open and drool was seeping from the confines of her mask. He fist pumped very proudly as if it was his first time getting laid. He decided to walk around town without noticing he had "LOSER" written in permanent marker on his forehead. He was greeted happily by the people of Edenia who applauded the man without realizing he had "I'M PUSSY WHIPPED" written on his back.
"Making my way down town! Walking fast! Faces past and I'm home bound!" Sub-Zero sang merrily.
"What a douche canoe." Scorpion and Kung Lao stifled their laughter behind what they thought was a giant pillar. When they realized the "pillar" was too soft, they looked up to see a blushing Shokan. "Uh oh..."
"OH GOD!" Kung Lao fell down as Goro held his hands together.
"H-He touched me..." Goro whispered. Shao Kahn, Quan Chi and Shinnok were cheering right behind him as Goro wiggle his body effeminately.
"RUN AWAY!" Scorpion and Kung Lao ran as far as they could while Quan Chi alerted everyone about the event on Twitter.
So you're probably wondering what happened to everyone.
Nightwolf had gotten so fat that nobody could recognize him and Bo Rai Cho was recently hired to promote Slim Fast and Subway. Johnny Cage was currently in a custody battle for his daughter with Sonya and he recently starred in National Treasure 5 and Face/Off with Bam Margera. Needless to say, he got ugly. Most of them got ugly.
Matter of fact, Baraka is probably prettier than Li Mei right now and she's currently in jail for calling Baraka ugly. This offended every Tarkatan who claimed they were a non-humanoid animal species and they were assisted by Reptile and Motaro. They all became liberals.
Raiden got fired for his failure to make Liu Kang the hero of Earthrealm so instead of dying in a reboot of their previous universe, Shao Kahn and Shinnok conquered the entire universe and forced everyone to endure My Little Pony horse shit. No pun intended. The one who saved their world was Meat but he eventually died from the excruciating pain of not having any skin, so now Raiden is currently working in the managerial area for the local Edenian power division which supplied Edenia with electrical power. He was actually being tortured for his neglect instead of doing anything that involves management.
Chameleon is currently a part of the Fantastic Four and is now engaged to Mr. Fantastic. Legend says she was the first person to be featured on Tinder where she even met the mutant. Tanya was forced to perform as Tanya Minaj at the wedding of Sub-Zero and Kitana for her betrayal or face death by exile. Which means had she chosen this, she would have fought an army of Meat nakedly for eternity. She's currently under investigation for her song "Stupid Ho'." Queen Sindel believes it was a jab at the royal family.
Jax Briggs became the bodyguard for Onaga who believed people wanted him for his hide. His daughter, Jackie, is currently and secretly dating Cassie Cage. At this time, Edenia didn't believe in homosexuality because it made zero sense to them for procreation. However, Sub-Zero and Kitana were a staunch supporter for their blossoming romance but then again- liberals. Takeda Takashi and Kung Jin decided to become guardians of Edenia.
"I am vengeance... I am the night..." Takeda posed like Batman from atop a gargoyle Kintaro statue near some plaza in broad daylight. He was practically a yellow Batman.
"We are fabulous!" Kung Jin threw flowers in the air. Takeda just stared at his partner.
"YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Kenshi yelled at his son.
"I'm over here, dad."
Kenshin turned around because he didn't realize he traumatized a five-year-old Edenian girl. He was facing off with a very, very old man. Takeda just shook his head but he was brought down by Scorpion.
"COME HERE!" Scorpion shouted.
"I'm already here, sensei!" Takeda sobbed.
"Oh." Scorpion pulled his harpoon out Takeda's heart and placed it back before the poor kid died. Nobody knows how he survived. In fact, nobody knows how ANY of them survive the intense trauma they suffer over the years.
"We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!" Kung Jin yelled over a megaphone. Nobody paid attention to him. While there is no LGBT marriages allowed in Edenia, there were many of them engaging in said activities. It was mostly due to the fact most Edenians didn't even bother marrying because a paper can only say so much. Hell, Kitana is only marrying Sub-Zero because it's a custom in Earthrealm. Otherwise, they just hang out and play footsies all day.
"What the hell am I going to do with him?" Kung Lao stared at Kung Jin mounting a wrecking ball before the poor kid rammed into the Towers of Peace which featured Goro and Sub-Zero holding a globe together. "I don't know him."
"I... I'm alive..." Ermac flopped on the ground next to the gathering group. His entire outfit was torn apart.
"Do we want to know?" Kenshi asked.
"No." Ermac dusted himself off. He looked at Kenshi disciplining his son. Only, he was spanking the old man.
"GET THAT PUTO!" Mavado pointed at Ermac. He was accompanied by many Latinos who wore blue do-rags. "BLOODS WILL DIE! BLOOD IN, BLOOD OUT!"
"This is a thing here?" Scorpion questioned. Kung Lao shrugged but they all decided to engage in Mortal Kombat.
Nitara is currently a superstar in all of the realms and is currently signing autographs in Orderrealm. There was an immense line of her fans and that's what she's been doing for the past eight years. She was given the Academy Award for Best Actress as the vampire lover of Burt Swan, Edna Cullen, in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Bones. It wasn't a romance movie; it was action packed and her character was killed dramatically by Blade in the end, but not before the final scene brought the audience to tears.
Let's take a look, shall we?
"Edna... why!" Burt Swan held Edna's bleeding body close to his man bosom.
"Because... you don't belong in my world..." Nitara as Edna touched Burt's cheek affectionately.
"FINISH HIM!" Shao Kahn's voice called out. Blade decapitated Nitara and held her head on his katana. "FATALITY!"
"Burt! My love! As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again!" Burt cried out as Nitara's head was thrown to the ground.
Fin.
"THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!" Bo Rai Cho exclaimed, giving a rapturous applause.
"You would think so, fatty." Nightwolf scoffed.
That's what happened.
"I hate this life..." Nitara groaned. Hotaru was the next to get his autograph signed and he would have if not for a certain interference.
"CHAOS!" Havik jumped from out of nowhere, gave an RKO to Hotaru and continued to shout this all over Orderrealm, stirring up a panic.
Kobra was accidentally dragged into the next title of Street Fighter and was hospitalized after his first match against Zangief. He's not even part of the wedding but that's what happened to him. Sektor and Cyrax were movie directors for PBS programs regarding animal life ever since Baraka went "mysteriously" missing. They each won various awards for this. Smoke built a robot Sub-Zero because the actual Sub-Zero abandoned his duties and he had nobody to smoke pot with anymore. Frost tried to seduce Smoke but again. She was a liberal and despised marijuana.
Back in Edenia, Kitana farted and woke herself up. She frantically looked around to see if anyone was there. She sighed and began to perform various yoga stretches in yoga pants. Let that sink into your imagination. Her long legs, curvaceous body, buxom and voluptuous build stretching exaggeratedly on a yoga mat. And not a single man was there to witness this.
"Hi."
"WHAT THE HELL!"
Kitana was startled by Mileena who had been watching her sleep this whole time.
"What are you doing here!"
"Oh, you know. Just passing by."
"In MY bedroom?"
"Yes."
"I share this bedroom with Sub-Zero."
"I know. But don't worry! Nothing happened! Well, you blew chunks all over him and he's walking around town. I don't think he noticed this at all."
"Wait, we didn't make love?"
"Uh, no? You guys were so fudged beyond repair that neither of you knew what was going on. I mean, dude. Mom has a black eye."
"Why?"
"We tried putting you to bed next to Sub-Zero but you kept shouting how you're a taken bacon."
"Oh..."
"But it was Sub-Zero who punched her."
Let's go back to that night.
Sub-Zero was laying in bed passed out while the boys kept drawing multiple dicks on his face before proceeding with the legendary "LOSER" decoration on his forehead. The door swung open and they saw Sindel dragging a kicking and screaming Kitana. The men backed away and Sonya pounced on Johnny Cage. They conceived Cassie that night there. I don't know how she aged to what she is now during that eight year hiatus so don't ask.
"LET ME GO, OLD LADY!"
"OLD LADY?! I'M YOUR MOTHER!" Queen Sindel slapped Ashrah for no apparent reason.
"I'M A TAKEN BACON!" Kitana screamed. She entered her fighting stance and before they could brawl, Sub-Zero awoke.
"LEAVE BACON OUT OF THIS! IT'S FOOD FOR THE SOUL!" Sub-Zero punched Sindel in the eye before falling back to sleep. Kitana plopped right next to him as well and the rest just stared blankly at the sleeping couple. They ignored Sonya ravaging Johnny Cage.
"Oh. We slept that long?"
"Duh."
"... I forgot we have a wedding to do."
"Sister, I don't even know what's happening in your life anymore. Or any of ours."
"Why do you still look like Baraka's photoshopped twin?"
"Y-You're so mean!"
Noob Saibot was strolling by absentmindedly when he saw Sub-Zero walking like an idiot as he sang numerous love songs along his jolly way. The oddly jovial Grandmaster saw his dead brother and began to walk towards him. Noob Saibot averted his eyes to avoid any conversation with him. They were mostly dumb talks.
"Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away. Permanently."
"BROTHER DEAR! What a glorious day!"
"Look. If you're going to talk about how you stuck your popsicle in Kitana's... nevermind. Why are you here?"
"I am enjoying the wonders of life! Look at this coffee shop!" Sub-Zero pointed majestically at said shop. The barista rolled her eyes at Sub-Zero before flipping him the bird. "Is it not the perfect establishment to meet single women!"
"But you're engaged. What are you talking-"
"And there's one right now!"
"What-"
Sub-Zero pushed Noob Saibot towards Sheeva and they both fell, his face in between her breasts. When Noob looked up, his eyes grew wide in horror. Sheeva blushed wildly as Sub-Zero danced around them in an awkward manner. He even had flowers to throw in the air. Noob shook his fist at him and before he could bitch smack him to Neptune, Sheeva clutched on his garb. The dark specter gulped.
"I like black men," Sheeva said shyly.
"B-But I'm Chinese!" Noob tried to wiggle his way out of her hold.
"Ah! But you are a burnt banana!" Sub-Zero gave him the V sign as Sheeva hoisted him over her shoulders.
"YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!" Noob threw a shuriken at him just as Smoke passed by. He was hit in the head and he died. He was taken away by his clansmen to be turned into a robot.
"Live free, brother! Live long! LIVE WILD! THIS IS THE NIGHT! IT'S THE NIGHT! WHERE TWO BECOMES ONE!" Sub-Zero lunged in the air with his arms spread out, his head lifted upwards. "Behold... I am the song of the birds..."
"Me want snu-snu," Sheeva whispered in Noob Saibot's ears. He shrieked in fright.
And before you guys get any bad ideas, here's a spoiler alert: four years from now, Noob Saibot weds Sheeva who legally changes her name to Sheeva Saibot. They ended up having four kids who were all dark as shit and had four arms. Nobody is trying to sound racist but that's how genetics work.
Back in Edenia, though.
"Where's your sister?" Sindel had her head laid on the breakfast table as she ate her cereal. Jade was sprawled on the floor trying to rethink her decisions of drinking.
"You don't want to know, Mother..." Mileena blushed. And right on cue, Kitana came bursting through the room. She was panting wildly and held up something that terrified most parents. Sindel and Jade looked up. Their eyes went wide. "Like I said, you don't want to know."
"Are you..." Jade stammered. Kitana had her eyes closed and nodded vigorously. Sindel went pale.
Meanwhile, Sub-Zero ran into Scorpion's group. They just brutally killed Mavado for the umpteenth time. He began skipping towards them with a blushing face. He even looked like he was floating. Raiden appeared out of nowhere when he was bumped by Sub-Zero, landing face first on the pavement. Sub-Zero recovered and he stepped on Raiden.
"You jerk," Raiden muffled.
"Friends!" Sub-Zero picked up Scorpion and spun him around.
"Did he hit his head or something?" Ermac asked Rain who joined the battle a while ago. He just shrugged.
"Put me down!" Scorpion tried to headbutt him but he missed everytime.
"Oh God, don't tell me he just got done with Kitana." Rain and Ermac looked at Kenshi wide eyed as did Scorpion. By now he was suspicious of his stink.
"This is as bad as when he lost his v-card to her," Kung Lao reminded.
"LET ME GO!"
"I have great news!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU NEED TO STOP TEXTING ALL OF US WHEN YOU DO IT WITH KITANA! NOW PUT ME DOWN!"
"Oh, sorry." Sub-Zero put Scorpion on the ground before jumping into a fountain to cleanse himself. "And the great news is this!"
Sub-Zero was interrupted from a text by Kitana. He gasped happily. "I'm going to be a father!" He showed the text message to everyone who joined him.
"Uh, Sub?" Raiden said, stopping the joyous rampage of Sub-Zero. "Look at your message again."
When he did, his eyes went wide. It read, "Pregnant. You're the father. It's been delivered from your clan. The sender is Frost. We need to talk. Right now."
"Cliffhanger?" Rain asked.
Back to Liu Kang and Baraka...
"Cliffhanger," Baraka whispered.
Back to Kitana and company...
"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" Kitana screamed. "THEN I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM!"
"Or you could, you know. Get even," Mileena offered.
"You're right! I'm going to DESTROY his Pokeman card collection!"
"YES!" Mileena cheered as did Jade.
"What the hell did I raise?" Sindel asked herself.
"THEN I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM!"
"THREE CHEERS FOR REVENGE!" Kitana, Jade and Mileena jumped in the air. When they landed, they were dressed in emo outfits.
Next time: Did Sub-Zero cheat on his one true love? How will this affect their marriage? Oh, the suspense! The tragedy! And hopefully not a nearly decade long hiatus will ensue! Stay tuned on Edenian Wedding!
AN: I have a habit of going on hiatus on a lot of my stories. But I leave it open for future interpretations and ideas are always welcome. Thanks for enjoying my stuff, guys!
