Chapter Two. River, no.

River hated to be around Kaylee and Simon. She loved them both dearly, but they were so in love and always touching. It made her insides squirm. It sent heat between her legs, and any time they even brushed against one another, she would find an excuse to leave the room. At first she'd been fascinated by their new intimacy, and had even seen them make love a few times. She'd catch them off guard when they would get caught up in their passions in the engine room. Back then, it had excited her. It was something new that she'd never experienced. Now it had become too much for her to bear.

It was also a startling realization when Simon discovered that River wasn't having menstruations. They'd learned that the Alliance had gone so far as to sterilize her as part of their experimentation. Simon was certain he could reverse it, but River had asked him not to worry. It wasn't something she wanted to deal with anyway. He had agreed at first, but then he'd looked at her angrily. "Don't think this means you can have sex," he warned sternly, and she just rolled her eyes at him and told him what a boob he was. River wasn't a girl. She was a girl, but wasn't. She was a woman-girl. Girl-woman. These thoughts plagued later her as she hid from Kaylee and Simon in the cockpit. Knees to chest, she stared out into the black.

Her time as a pilot was amazing. She'd taken over the position because of interest, but now she flew because it gave her purpose. Every day she studied, pouring over the Cortex to get any new knowledge she could. She memorized distances to planets, docking information, and maps of entire systems. Today, however, she had no interest in learning. There were too many voices in her head, voices telling her their secrets; whispering and screaming. She tried to tune them out, but it hurt in the brainpan. To distract herself, she conducted a mental scan of the crew aboard Serenity. Zoe was cleaning up her bunk, setting the remainder of Wash's things in a bottom compartment. Jayne was lifting weights, thinking of… well, nothing. Kaylee was teaching Simon about the engine, going over some basic mechanics that he wasn't really paying attention to.

Mal was sitting next to her, sharpening a knife, running through the ways he knew how to disarm a man. They had been sitting in silence for a few hours, but River suddenly inhaled sharply. Narrowing her eyes curiously, she pursed her lips.

"Cysteine-tyrosine-isoleucine-glutamine-asparagine-cysteine-proline-leucine-glycine-amide." One long word slipped out of her mouth, dancing on her tongue as if she'd said it a hundred times.

"Bless ya'." Mal didn't even look at her. River let out a sharp breath of air. Exasperation?

"Love," she explained. Mal stopped, mid-sharpen, and looked to her. She examined his face acutely, observing the way his brow cocked at her; a question mark on his expression.

"What d'you know about love, little- er... 'scuse me." Pause. Long breath. Try again. "What d'you know about love, River?" It was almost a challenge. The air around them thickened, and she clung even tighter to her legs.

"Everything that can be explained with facts based in science," was her quick reply. "Dopamine. Oxytocin. Reproduction. Companionship. The science is there. But there's another component, one that can't be tested with the scientific method." The corner of Mal's mouth turned up into a grin. There was a short silence before she asked, "Ever been in love?" The grin faded, and his attention faded away away from her and into a distant past.

"Reckon I have a few times." He replied distantly. River saw them in his eyes, the objects of his long forgotten affection. A sweet, dark-skinned girl back on Shadow that he left behind to explore the universe. A rough and tumble, long-haired pirate queen who'd disappeared into thin air after they'd been made. And then a fellow soldier, a redhead with startling blue eyes, who had died in his arms in the first battle of the war. Three times, she counted. River felt as though she knew them personally as she watched them through Mal's eyes. There was a flicker of Inara, but they'd never even kissed. He hardly imagined that as love. "Been a minute, though."

"And you've been married," River added, a wide smirk spreading its way across her face. Her eyes danced with laughter.

Mal shook his head, laughing along good-naturedly. "And I been married. Once. Was nothing short of a disaster, I'd say." River agreed, and was quiet for a moment. Silence lapsed over them, Serenity humming along quietly towards Beaumonde.

River deadpanned: "I apologize for what I said about your dreams. It may have been inappropriate." Mal flushed now, opening his mouth to reply, but she cut him off. "You dream so loudly," she added dismissively. "Your thoughts call me in the night, wake me and pull me out of the black. Especially when your dreams are bad. Or about me. But I'm not embarrassed." She looked at him dead in the eye, even though his face was growing redder by the second. "I have dreams about you too."

"Ri-River, I-" Deep breath. "I don't think this is a conversation I rightly want to be havin'. " But River frowned at him. She always got what she wanted. As a girl, she was spoiled by their parents, and then even at the Academy she was given special treatment compared to the others. Even though the Alliance had stripped away a large part of who she was, she would always be that stubborn girl.

"Why not?" She questioned, letting her feet slide off the edge of the chair and touch the cool ground.

"I-I'm an old man, an' you're just a bitty girl." He was flustered. "Book told me there was a special place in hell for that. A real special place."

River stood, her long legs taking her even closer. She was a sight to see: long brown hair cascading almost wildly down to her waist, worn blue dress clinging to her like a tired ghost, and black combat boots rooting her securely on the ground.

She shook her head. "Not just a girl. Not an old man."

"Your brother would have some words with me for certain. And then murder me in a way that looked like an accident."

"Simon is not my keeper." Mal regained his composure, sitting up straight and then standing to match her in this battle. His arms were crossed, and he had put his Captain face on. She'd caught him off guard, that was all. Now he was ready for whatever she had to say.

"Well, darlin', he kinda is. He even likes to think his authority over you goes above mine." River sighed, crossing her arms as well. Mal felt some of the tension leave him as he noticed her pout. He wanted to laugh, but didn't dare. "Hold a moment. So's you mean to tell me that you don't mind that some old pervert who deserves a special place in hell is thinkin' about you in those kinds'a ways? And you say you'd dreamed about me too?" The tables had turned.

Now it was River's turn to blush. She froze up, unable to come up with an intelligent remark.

Mal grinned, shaking his head again. He stood from his chair, and reached over to place a hand on her shoulder and press a chaste kiss on the top of her head.

"You don't know what you're gettin' into, Albatross." He turned away, leaving River with a burning sensation where he'd touched her, as if his skin had turned hers to fire. She thought herself red from her head to her toes. There were many ways she'd seen that conversation ending, and that was not one of them.

"Cap'n," Zoe's voice greeted him from down the galley.

"I'll be in my bunk." River hardly heard his reply. Instead, she stared straight ahead, not sure what had just transpired. She'd meant to be so confident as she'd made a pass at Captain Tightpants, and all she'd done was embarrass him, and herself.

The next two weeks, five days, seven hours, thirty eight minutes and twelve seconds were torture. They took entirely longer than they should have. River avoided him every for a day after that encounter, but no one asked questions. She couldn't stop thinking about the captain, and the way she felt when he touched her. They'd taken three jobs, and she'd spoken to the captain when necessary, but the smirk on his face when he saw her was too much for her to take sometimes. He kept the mood lighthearted, but she felt like a fool. Her mind was clouded until that night, when she woke with a scream in the back of her throat. It wasn't her own, but the Captain's. He was having nightmares again. She tried to close her eyes and console him from her bed, but unlike the other nights when she would simply speak to him, he wasn't calming. The dream just got worse as she implanted herself into his mind.

This dream was different. River watched a dream version of herself being ripped to shreds, limbs being torn off of her body by brute force, violated by Reavers with labcoats on. The sight didn't bother her as much as it bothered Malcolm Reynolds, who was bound as well, screaming for them to let her go. Real River got out of bed and tip-toed her way to the captain's bunk. Even before she crawled silently down the ladder, she could hear him tossing.

"River! No!" He shouted in his sleep, and River paused for a moment to make sure no one else was stirring.

Dropping to the floor, she allowed the hatch door to close back behind her. Mal was in a state of undress that unnerved her. He wore nothing to sleep but a pair of shorts. Still, she moved to him, kneeling at the side of his bed. The cold metal floor bit sharply at her knees.

"Malcolm," she spoke quietly, using his full first name. It sounded odd coming out of her mouth, but he stopped twitching. Her tone changed, softened. "Mal…" She didn't want to wake him, but her hand had a mind of it's own as it pushed the sweaty hair off of his brow, and caressed the side of his face for a brief moment. Nothing lasts. Not even this moment. Be still. Mal began to still. River stayed for a few moments in time, but when she got up to leave, his hand grabbed her own. She let out a startled gasp that she was sure would wake him.

"River," he said, his voice sleepy. "No." She stood there, frozen in time. What did he want from her? Was he sleeping? River stared so intently she thought she'd burn a hole into his face. She honestly couldn't be certain. It was dark, and his eyes were closed. His hand pulled her to him, and she awkwardly climbed into the place he was guiding her to: next to him in bed. They faced each other, River's legs becoming oddly entangled in his own. Mal had obviously slept next to many women, and folded her into him as if he had done it a hundred times. River hardly knew what to do with her gangly limbs, and frowned. For a few moments she felt at odds with herself, trying to do some multiplication tables in her mind to calm her racing mind.

"River…" It was quiet now, and Mal pulled her closer still. She could feel the hardness of him against her stomach, and it ignited a flame within her where she had only felt sparks of before. Taking a deep breath, she allowed herself to sink into him as she exhaled. He smelled like leather and soap and gunpowder and dopamine. The moment she closed her eyes, she fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep, something she'd never experienced before.

In the morning, Mal woke softly, which was strange for him. Usually when he came out of his slumber it was sharp, with him sitting straight up in his bed and gasping for breath. But the dim light of the cabin cast a light on something else entirely. River Tam, in his bed, her mouth open and a tiny bit of drool hanging out. She looked content. He'd seen her take down an entire bar full of men and women, but it was hard to imagine that this sweet girl was capable of such acts of violence. Without even questioning the fact that she was in his bed, wrapped up in him no less, he gently brushed a piece of hair out of her face. He'd never wanted to kiss her as much as he did right then.

"River," he said, his voice hoarse from sleep. She stirred, but moved closer to him. How did she know to do that? "River…" She blinked her eyes open now, staring into his own before taking in her surroundings.

"Never done that before." Her comment didn't surprise him.

"I can imagine you ain't slept in the same bed as someone before." But River shook her head at his assumption.

"Never slept without dreams. Without the nightmares." Oh. Mal pulled away from her gently, glancing down at the girl in his bed.

The girl in his bed.

"Yes, Simon is probably going to kill you," River added, echoing his thoughts aloud.

He frowned a bit, and adjusted her disheveled dress so that she was decent in front of him. "That's unnerving, Albatross."

"So are you." She didn't miss a beat.

"This can't be happening, River girl. You and me… it just ain't right. Don't get me wrong, you're beautiful, completely genius too, and any man'd be lucky to have you in his arms at dawn's first light. But I ain't any good for you." He gently began to pull away from her. She met his gaze with a steely one of her own.

"There's no dawn in the black," River replied easily. Mal rolled his eyes, and she smiled for a moment, and allowed a small silence to fall over them. When she did spoke, it struck his heart. "I'm going to fall in love with you." Her statement was so matter of factly, she could have been reciting physics again. But if he thought that was unnerving, he wasn't at all prepared for what she was about to say. "And then I'm going to die. The voices in my head will be silenced. River the Girl will be no more. Nothing lasts, remember?"

"What?" he asked, concern washing over him. "River, no. That's not going to happen. No one on this boat will let that happen."

"They will. It will be on Serenity."

"But you've seen it, now you can tell me how it happens and-and we can change it." He felt as if he was fighting a losing battle by the way she met his gaze and held him hostage there. He'd never been so disarmed by a look before.

"Maybe," was her short reply. She finally looked away. "I've seen all of our deaths a hundred times. Jayne getting thrown out of the airlock. Getting shot. Simon's brain splattered over Kaylee. Falls from a building. Kaylee's lifeblood drains out of her in childbirth. They don't happen. But they will." There was a short silence.

"What about me?" Mal asked, not sure if he wanted to know. She sat up, dragging her knees to her chest. There's small silence, and she gazes straight up into the ceiling; looking far off as if she's staring into space itself.

"Me," she finally said. "I kill you."

River wasn't the same after Miranda. Sure, she seemed 'better', and that made Simon real happy. But she avoided us together. I always worried she didn't approve. She always looked at me with those big eyes and I wished I could just hug her, y'know? I wanted to hold her and tell her everythin' was okay. Mostly I just miss horsin' around with her, talking about boys. Sure she comes around, but not if Simon and I are together. "She's very perceptive," Simon'd say. "Maybe we just make her uncomfortable." Well I sure wish we didn't. Maybe we coulda talked more. Maybe we'da been closer and she coulda told me things.

Kaylee Frye