She'll never tell anyone, but her earliest memory is not of her father, or her mother, or her brother - it is of her cousin.
Their surroundings are blurred and indecipherable. He is the only thing that's at all clear, as she runs to him as fast as her tiny legs will carry her. The closer she gets, the taller he looks from her awkward vantage point, but then Lu Ten had always seemed larger than life to her. "Yuyu!" she cries, her voice high and squeaky (Zuko's wasn't the only name she'd once had trouble with), and he laughs, reaching down and sweeping her into his arms. These barely remembered traces are all that remain of the sense of absolute safety that she had felt with him, the knowledge that he would never let her fall or be hurt.
Now there's the wind in her face and the sharp scent of the ocean in the air and perfect streams of golden flame swirling around Lu Ten like trained serpents, as he demonstrates his bending prowess in front of her, in the field that belongs only to them. The fire spirits themselves could not hope to wield the element the way he does, smoothly and flawlessly, already a master at the age of seventeen. His smile is as bright as the sun, the light of the sun is in his eyes - her cousin is the sun, powerful, beautiful, untouchable.
Now the world is slate gray all around her, and the driving rain is drenching her, chilling her to the bone. The light is gone from her cousin's eyes, every wound from the cross scar on his jaw to the holes in his chest stream with blood, and his armor hangs off of him in pieces as he approaches her, hunched and stumbling like a broken marionette.
"Azula..."
The fear and desperation in his voice - his, of all people's! - turn her stomach to ice. She wants to turn and run, run as far and as fast as she can, but she's frozen to the spot.
He's so close now, too close. Blood runs down his chin from the corners of his mouth, and she can smell it on his breath. "Azula...Help me..."
His voice is a death rattle, and when he speaks drops of the blood from his mouth fly out to hit her face, warm and sticky, mingling with the freezing rain. He reaches out with one shaking hand, grabs her around the back of her neck, and yanks her towards him. "Help me!"
She still can't move to get away no matter how badly she wants to, can only cry out helplessly through the lump in her throat, "I can't!"
~0~
Azula woke abruptly, and it took her a moment to get her bearings. The chill of the rain, the touch of a dead man's hand, still seemed to linger on her skin. But those feelings quickly vanished, as she became aware of warm blankets around her and a soft, living body pressed up against her own. Slowly, she turned over to see Ty Lee snuggled beside her, her rest untroubled by the movement. This was one of the larger Fire Nation bases that they had stopped for the night at, and so they could have picked a room with three separate beds, but the two of them found it far preferable to share just one half of a bunk bed, while Mai took the other for herself. (Azula insisted that it was purely a matter of practicality, that it was the best action to take when faced with the ridiculously cold Earth Kingdom weather, while Ty Lee was far more open about the real reason they liked it. The knowing smile that played on Mai's lips whenever one of them brought it up showed clearly which one of them she believed.)
The younger girl's arms were wrapped around Azula's chest, and her head rested comfortably on her shoulder instead of the pillow. Her breathing was even and her face relaxed; surely only pleasant dreams blessed her sleep tonight. Lucky her. She briefly considered closing her eyes again and trying to sink back into sleep, but she hesitated: these nightmares often came on each other's heels, and they made her restless anyway. Carefully, she extricated herself from Ty Lee's arms, threw on a warmer outfit and boots, and slipped out of the room.
There was a fairly large cleared area on the far side of the base. It would be perfect for ten or fifteen minutes of light training, which in turn would be perfect for taking her mind off of everything for just a little while so she could rest easily (well, relatively so) for the remainder of the night. She walked into the middle of the dusty arena and went into a defensive stance. She tried to focus as much as she could on her kata, but as she went through it, she found that she could not turn her other thoughts off.
From this place, it was only a two-day journey to the stronghold where the project that the war ministers had been raving about for months was being housed. The idea of an enormous moving drill that would take the three of them to Ba Sing Se in less than a week, and allow them to break through the wall in an hour at the very least on top of that, excited her, but it did sound a little too good to be true. She had decided to reserve judgment on it for now, and wait to actually see it in action first. If the drill did fail somehow, her father would have the head of whoever was responsible, but neither would matter much to her. She had had a backup plan in mind ever since defeating the Kyoshi Warriors and taking their clothes upon their imprisonment, so whatever happened with the drill, they would have a perfect way to get inside the city, and from there, have an equally perfect opportunity to take it from the inside.
However, as pleased with herself and her nation as she was, as much as the anticipation was building up higher inside her with each passing day, she couldn't help but wonder more than she probably should what her cousin would think of all this.
She would like to think that he would be as proud of her as she was of herself. After all, it had been him who had first inspired her to become a powerful fighter, and later to become a soldier, just like he was. Surely, he would be proud of how the cousin he had devoted so much time and effort to had not only survived, but thrived. However, the thought also occurred to her that Lu Ten had spent almost two solid years of his life struggling and fighting, in blood and rain and filth, to take this city. He had become one of the hundreds who had died for that cause, giving even his last breath in service to his nation. And now she was going to achieve what he never could, easily, effortlessly, in nowhere near the time he had taken. It didn't seem fair to him, somehow. But of course that was completely unreasonable to think - Lu Ten had valued that victory over Ba Sing Se more than anything, save for perhaps the lives of his comrades.
Of all the questions that had burned through her mind about her cousin's death, that was perhaps the one that angered and confused her the most. She had known and understood that he put himself in danger of being killed every time he went on another tour of duty, but she had never expected someone as smart as him to die by giving his life for someone else's. If she could see him again, she would tell him exactly what that had sounded like to her: foolishness, pure and simple.
Somewhat ironically, she would be the only honest one; everyone she'd posed the question to, up to and including Iroh and Zuko, had blathered on about how brave and noble and selfless Lu Ten had been for doing what he did. And of course, that was what they had to say to people's faces, but she knew that they were all thinking the same things that she said. He might have truly believed that getting himself killed was honorable, but the only one who actually believed that he had done the right thing had been him. And if what she had been taught about the dead being able to look back at their living loved ones from the Spirit World was true, then all he had been able to do when his own father spit on his sacrifice and ran away with his tail between his legs was watch helplessly.
Even so, you can rest peacefully, cousin. I will make sure of it. I will reclaim the honor your useless father stole from you, I swear it on your memory. But still, I wonder...How could you think anyone, even your friend, was worth giving up your victory for in the first place? Who could make you think like that?
"...Princess? I'm very sorry to interrupt you, but might I have a moment of your time?"
She stopped mid-snake strike, and turned to look at the young soldier standing at attention on the sidelines. Part of her was annoyed at being bothered at a time like this and wanted to chase him off and finish her kata, but it would be much more rational to hold off reprimanding him until she had decided whether whatever he had to say was worth listening to.
"I suppose so...Major Seigi, was it?" she asked, realizing that she recognized him from earlier today. There was something familiar about that name, Azula had thought, from the moment he had welcomed the three of them into the army outpost to rest for the night and resupply in the morning. But she had never seen this young man before - at least, she was fairly certain she hadn't. She would definitely remember seeing a face like his, as ruined by a blade as her brother's had been with fire. "What business do you have with me?"
The major's attempt at a friendly smile was made somewhat unsettling by the grotesque way it stretched the scars nearest his mouth. "Please, forgive my boldness, Your Highness. But ever since I heard that you had been deployed to the Earth Kingdom, I had been hoping to get the opportunity to speak with you. But I should ask first: did your cousin ever tell you about me, in his letters home? Or did your uncle?"
She didn't let her surprise at the realization show on her face, but the mention of her cousin made everything click in her mind. "So you're the best friend Lu Ten was always going on about," she said, the hint of a smirk beginning to show on her face. And also the boy who he thought it would be a good idea to throw his life away for, the idiot, she mentally added, but better not to touch on that subject yet. "You've certainly come far since my cousin knew you, Gisei Seigi."
He looked fairly pleased that she'd recognized him, but despite that expression, the nervousness did not leave his eyes. For an apparently accomplished soldier - one did not rise from sergeant to major in just six years and at only twenty-two years old for being average - he rather reminded her of a small and skittish animal. "I believe I have," he agreed. "I said it to Colonel Lu Ten once before, and I will say it again to you now: serving at his side was the highest honor I could have asked for."
"I'm certain hearing that must have made him very happy. However, I doubt that you sought me out at this hour just to praise my long-gone cousin. What do you really want to say to me?"
The tentative smile dropped from Seigi's face, and when he spoke, it was in a more serious tone than she'd heard him use before. "It's true that I didn't come to talk about how wonderful the colonel was. But I did come to talk about him, and a part of him that I don't think would be good to discuss here, if you get my meaning."
Ah. Eyes and ears everywhere, always in the right place to overhear delicate information. Not that she had much of an idea what this one might want to inform her of, but if Lu Ten had deemed him trustworthy, then for the time being she supposed she could too, and listen to what he had to say. "I understand, Major. Our lizards don't require much sleep, so I'm sure we'd have no trouble taking them to go someplace more private, if that's what you had in mind?"
"Yes, Princess," Seigi agreed, and nodded his head towards the stables. "If you would be so kind as to wait a few minutes while I tack them up, then we can go."
"Very well."
~0~
Seigi worked fast, and it was not long before the two of them were riding out, circling the base at about a mile away, over the grass of the forest floor. "If I may ask again, how much did Colonel Lu Ten tell you about me, Princess?"
"He mentioned you often in his letters. He could ramble for pages about you and this other boy named Nageki Noha, about how you were such good friends and loyal soldiers and kind people, and about all the things you'd done with him and for him, and so on and so on. All very heartwarming."
Even in the darkness, she thought she could see Seigi's cheeks flush. "Did he...? That's...not quite a surprise, truthfully, considering the sort of person he was, but pleasant nonetheless."
"I'm sure."
"On a less pleasant note...By now you probably know all about my involvement with his death," he went on. He looked down, grief and shame clear on his face, gripping the reins tightly. "I swear to you, Princess, if I had seen what he was going to do, if I could have stopped him from doing what he did, I would have. I would not have hesitated any more than he did. You believe me, don't you?"
"Yes. I don't believe you would be stupid enough to come to me with a lie," she said lightly, making sure to put a note of warning in her voice. "What are you getting at, Major?"
"I am not trying to make any excuses for myself and my failure. What's done is done, and I will accept my guilt. But when I look back on the Colonel's death, I realize that there are parts of it that don't quite add up...And the more I think on that, the more strongly I feel that I have to tell someone about it. The Fire Lord is, of course, inaccessible to someone like me, and Prince Iroh and Prince Zuko are traitors who could do nothing useful with the information. So that leaves you, and just as well - I get the sense that you were the one the Colonel was closest to, after all, barring his father."
She would not let it show on her face, of course, but her interest was piqued, mostly because she could guess what Seigi was getting at. "You suspect that my cousin's death was not simply a battlefield casualty?"
"Yes, Princess, I do."
"Not that the assassination of royalty is uncommon, but that's a heavy accusation to level, Major. Why do you think that?"
"Well...I know this might not seem like solid proof, but there was something he said..." Seigi lifted his head and turned to look Azula in the face as he spoke. "I was with him at the end. He might have died in his father's arms, but he was in mine first. And it hurt him to speak, but he kept trying to talk to me. He said that something was wrong, that there was something happening to his body. Thinking about it with a clear head, I realize that he wanted to tell me something important, but at the time I was just...I was too afraid and too overwhelmed by everything that was happening, and I didn't answer him, I just talked over him. I thought it would be more important to comfort him, to try and tell him everything would be okay..." He was clearly fighting to speak through a lump in his throat by now, but he managed to finish clearly. "I thought wrong. I ignored him, and now I've had to put the pieces together myself. Because that's not all I've been considering."
She raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"I served in the Colonel's unit for two years, and in every battle, I was right there by his side. I watched enough to know very well all his strengths and weaknesses, and more importantly, to be certain of his limitations. I don't know how much he told you about how he'd get hurt in battle, but he was always putting the lives of his troops above his own, always trying to protect us even if it meant using his own body as a shield. He dove in front of a boulder to save me, and died for it. But that's where things just don't add up. I've seen him pull that move before, on attacks just that strong when he was just as exhausted as he was that day, and they didn't kill him. That man had dragon's hide and steel muscles - nothing had ever hurt him that badly. And he tried to tell me that something was wrong with his body. What if he was trying to say that someone had done something to him, that made him too weak to survive what he would normally bounce back from?"
"You're suggesting he was poisoned? Or something of the sort?"
Seigi nodded once, still keeping his eyes locked with hers. The tears had faded from them, and they burned with conviction. "Yes. That's exactly what I think. And I believe I know where it came from, too. Before the Colonel fell, he was struck with three arrows, and he was the only one who was struck by any. We have no record of Ba Sing Se's army using archers. If an earthbender wanted to fight from a distance, you know as well as I do that they would just rip a projectile up from the ground. Where did those arrows come from?"
"An assassin..."
"Exactly."
"Well, poison is a fitting weapon for a rat-viper like that, I suppose," Azula muttered, considering the idea.
The thought that Lu Ten had actually been assassinated had never crossed her mind before, but she had never had any reason to think so. And by his own admission, Seigi was presenting the theory on rather flimsy evidence. Still, she would not disregard it so hastily. She knew from the conversations with her father and his ilk (some overheard illicitly, some she had been invited to hear) that Lu Ten had made more than a few enemies in his lifetime. It had been almost inevitable, she thought. His power on and off the battlefield, his absolute lack of fear of anyone at court, his determination to get his way, his tendency to have radical feelings towards non-Fire Nationals, and his being destined for the crown made for a deadly combination. There were plenty of people who had surely privately celebrated her cousin's death, and that made Seigi's belief that one of them had orchestrated it worth looking into, at least.
"Have you told anyone else of your suspicions?" she asked him.
"No, I've - " Seigi broke off, something flashing in his eyes. Though he tried, he wasn't exactly subtle in pulling on the reins to back his lizard away from Azula's. "Why do you ask that, Princess?" he asked in a voice too tense to be convincingly casual.
"Oh, get back here, I'm not going to hurt you!" Azula snapped. "All I want to do is make sure you didn't go running your mouth off to someone who will!"
Seigi's eyes widened marginally. "Is that it?" He quickly brought his lizard back up to flank hers. "Forgive me, Princess, I assumed wrong. As I said, you are the only one I've brought this up to. You have nothing to worry about there."
"Hmph. As if I would waste the life my cousin died to save. You wouldn't back down on this theory of yours, then?"
"Never," he promised, narrowing his eyes. "If I didn't believe he'd simply given out on his own in battle, I would stay down and take all the blame, as I should. But I am absolutely sure that there was more to what happened than I thought. And so I owe it to the Colonel to discover the truth for certain. I need to find justice for my friend, and I'm grateful that you're willing to listen to me, Princess."
"Of course I am. If there is any truth to your claim, then it would be my duty as Lu Ten's cousin to avenge his murder." More like the only family member who was ready and willing to do so, but Seigi probably already understood that. "But you should know...I don't blame you, Major. None of this is your fault."
Seigi looked more shocked than if she had slapped him. "Princess...Th-thank you, I - !"
"Don't misunderstand, it's no matter of sentimentality - I am not my cousin, after all," she explained, smirking at the look on his face. "It's a matter of basic logic. It's not as if you made Lu Ten jump in front of that boulder for you. Worth it or not, that was his choice and his alone. Besides, from what little I've heard my uncle say about it, you were occupied with multiple opponents at once, and didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. You certainly wanted to have done something to help him, or to stop him, or to take the blow that was meant for you, but you simply weren't able to. So to blame you for what my cousin did of his own will, while you were helpless, would be completely unreasonable. And you can stop gaping at me like I just grew a dragon's head; surely I'm not the first one who's pointed that out to you?"
"I..." He finally breaks eye contact, looking away in shame again. "I'm sorry to say it, Princess, but you are. And I thank you for your kindness - it's more than I deserve - but I know what you must also think of me. Whether they blame me for his death or not...There's not a single person in the Fire Nation that wouldn't have wanted him to come home alive instead of me. Myself included."
"Well, you're not wrong," Azula said bluntly. "But even so, I admire your continued dedication to my cousin, Major. It would appear that everything he told me about your friendship was correct. And I'm sure he would be proud of how quickly you've risen up in the ranks."
That brought a small smile onto his face, at least, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Thank you. These are the only things I can do for the Colonel now. He, a great prince, gave his life for me, a worthless grunt. Now, I've decided that I must make my life worth his sacrifice. I'm going to do my best to become someone great like him. In doing that, and in investigating his death, I can finally start to make up for what I let him do that day."
"I see." He certainly seemed determined enough, and fairly intelligent. Most importantly, Lu Ten had had absolute faith in him, from what he had said in his letters. Her own role in this war was, of course, her top priority, but when she had the time to spare on it, she would have to keep an eye on Seigi's career and make sure he kept his word. It was what her cousin would do, after all. "Good luck with that, then. I'll give you a way to keep in contact with me if you happen to find any solid evidence for your theory, and of course I will contact you if I happen to do the same."
"Yes, Princess. I can't thank you enough for listening to me."
"I'm doing this for my cousin, not for you. And I hope for your sake that you have the resolve to keep going with this if it turns out you're right. You don't know who we might have to make enemies of if this is true."
"Don't worry about my resolve. As I'm sure you can see..." With a wry smile, Seigi gestured to the scars that marred his face. "Every time I catch a glimpse of my own reflection, I'm reminded of what I have to live for, now that I'm disgraced. It fuels my will to move forward, and so my resolve can never falter."
"Well, at the very least, you're a cut above my brother in that area," Azula said with a smirk of her own. "To him, all his scar is is an excuse to whine about how hard his life is."
His smile faltered. "With all due respect, Princess, do not lump me in with a traitor like Prince Zuko. I assure you, my loyalty is infallible."
"Only a joke, Major, don't worry." He really didn't have any choice but to be loyal, she reasoned. "The entrance to the base is coming back up. So did you have anything else to say, or should we head back in?"
"Just one thing," Seigi said as they neared the gate.
"And what would that be?"
"I get the sense that the three of you don't need it, but I wish you, Lady Suzume, and Lady Shirogane luck on your campaign to Ba Sing Se. I know that none of you would ever give up before the city was taken, and I look forward to the day I hear that you've claimed it for your own."
"Well, you won't have to wait long for that, Major," Azula said, lifting her head proudly as they reentered the base, heading for the stables. "I can promise you that."
"I would expect nothing less from you, Princess. The Colonel would be very proud of you, I hope you know that."
"Kind of you to say," she remarked, dismounting and absently patting her lizard on its long neck.
"I'm not saying it to be kind. I'm saying it because it's true," Seigi insisted, hopping off his own lizard. "It seems to me that you are the only one left who is capable of finishing what your cousin started in that city. But then, that's fairly obvious, isn't it?"
Azula regarded the soldier's bright smile and shining eyes with a carefully blank expression. The way he's looking at me...I wonder if he used to look at Lu Ten like that, too. "I suppose so."
"One last thing: this should go without saying, but if there is anything you ever need of me, merely let me know and I will be there."
"You're right - that should go without saying, soldier."
"Mm, but my fealty runs deeper. As we both know, Fire Nationals are an honorable people, and ones that make sure to repay their debts. The colonel, a member of the royal family, gave his life up for me. So it stands to reason that my life should be given to another member of the royal family as a form of compensation, doesn't it?"
Somewhat taken aback, she considered him for a moment. The concept of one offering their life in service to a family who had lost a member to them was a legitimate practice in their nation's history, but one that had long since become antiquated. Still, Seigi's apparent insistence on adhering to it could certainly prove useful.
"If it will help you move on from what happened, then it does," she answered him, putting as much gentleness and sympathy in her voice as she could while still sounding genuine. "Your life is all you have to offer our family, at this point, but it will suffice."
Clearly pleased, Seigi bent into a deferential bow. "I promise you, Princess, only say the word and I will do my best to become everything you need."
You want to pledge your life to me? Very well, then, I'll take it. "I'm honored. But at the moment, all I want to do is go back to my room for the night. You'll take care of the animals."
"Yes. They'll be all ready to go by the time you leave in the morning." He didn't look up, but she could see his smile broaden. "Thank you again for listening to me. It was a pleasure and an honor to meet you."
"Likewise. I'll be thinking about what you said, Major. Don't get yourself killed before you can give my cousin and I what you owe us," she warned.
With that, she turned and headed back towards the barracks, hoping that neither Mai nor Ty Lee had woken up to find her missing. When she entered the bedroom to find it just as she had left it and her friends seemingly sound asleep, she thought that she had been successful, until just as she was about to slip back into bed beside Ty Lee, an amused voice from the top bunk made her freeze: "About time you got back in. I was just thinking I might have to run off the base and check on you."
Immediately annoyed at herself for being startled, Azula glared up at the older girl's perfectly still form. "Very funny. How did you know I left?"
Mai snorted. "You're not that stealthy, you know. You woke me up when you were leaving. It took you longer than usual to come back in, so I turned over to look out the window and saw you riding out."
"My apologies for making you go to such trouble."
"You're not funny either. Who was that guy, anyway? Anyone Ty Lee should be concerned about?"
"Oh, please," she scoffed, getting back under the blankets as carefully as she could. "It just so happens that that was an old friend of my cousin's."
"Lu Ten's friend?" Azula smirked - for once, there was an audible note of surprise in her friend's voice. "What did he want with you that you had to ride away from the base for?"
She paused, considering how to answer. Eventually, she would run Seigi's theory by Mai and Ty Lee as a matter of course. They were the only ones she would trust with such delicate information. But not now, and more importantly, not here. Seigi had made that very clear to her. "Nothing you need to hear about," she said dismissively.
"Yeah, right. That couldn't have been nothing - "
"You know, I think you would have liked him, Mai. Don't you have a thing for foolish boys with ruined faces?"
"...Good night."
Azula smirked, settling down into the pillow. Granted, there were more sensitive ways of letting Mai know that the conversation was over, but she hadn't much liked not being obeyed when she'd tried the first time. In the silence that followed, it occurred to her that her midnight ride with Seigi had been just what she needed. Contented exhaustion allowed her to fall asleep quickly and easily.
This time, when she dreamed, it was not her cousin but her enemies who were drenched in blood. And this time, when a royal warrior set out to conquer Ba Sing Se once and for all, it would not be her cousin who took the throne, bathed in the light of the sun: it would be her.
~0~
"I have to hand it to you, Uncle. I never thought that you could possibly sink any lower, but for the first and only time, you have managed to prove me wrong. Well done."
"...If you have come here to gloat, my niece, I can guarantee you will leave disappointed."
"Are my intentions really that obvious?" Azula said with a sneer, as she pushed the heavy cell door shut and leaned casually against it. Though Iroh appeared unfazed by being bound in chains of both stone and steel - she wasn't about to take any chances underestimating him again - it didn't make the image any less satisfying. "Well, I don't see how that matters anyway. This is the privilege of the victor, is it not?"
"Only an ungraceful one. I admit, I never thought you to be this petty. You would prefer to waste your time kicking a harmless old man while he's down, than spend it managing the affairs of your new conquest?"
"Mm, nice try, but I'm not like you. I found I had a few minutes of spare time in between my duties, and I wanted to use them to see my uncle one last time before we set sail for the Fire Nation. I won't have much time to deal with you when we're back home, after all." The next words she made sure to draw out, slow and smug: "And neither will Zuko, ever again."
Iroh's eyes narrowed. "You have misled your brother very cleverly, I will admit. But just because I could not stop him from siding with you this time, do not think that you have succeeded in permanently corrupting him."
Azula raised an eyebrow. "Corrupting him? The last time I checked, you were the one corrupting him, Uncle. Trying to convince him to give up on the task Father set him, to turn traitor against his nation, to pull him down into disgrace with you...And through it all, having the nerve to insist that you have his best interests at heart."
Iroh snorted. "And you do?"
Point taken. Not even Zuko would be stupid enough to think that she would give him everything he'd ever wanted out of the goodness of her heart. This move, like every other, was purely tactical: she would always look that much better in Father's eyes next to Zuko, and if it turned out that something had gone wrong in her plan that she had overlooked, then she had someone perfectly convenient there to sell down the river. But those weren't the things she was here to rub in.
"Well, for one thing, I'm the only person who has actually helped him get back home. You know, the place he's been trying to return to for the past three years, the place he actually belongs? You claimed to be accompanying him in his banishment to help him, but all you ever really wanted to do was tie him to you. And I think we both know why." She waited, but he just kept glaring silently at her. No matter - she knew he was thinking exactly what she was. "He doesn't really mean anything to you as his own person, does he? The only reason you ever got close to him was because you needed something to fill the hole in your heart that Lu Ten left, and he was just the most convenient replacement. And to do it, you would take him away from his only remaining family, the ones who, instead of coddling him and weakening him, care enough about him to try and make him strong."
"You liar," Iroh snarled. "You and Ozai are incapable of caring about anyone but yourselves. It is so like you to try and taint the only healthy relationship Zuko has at this point. He never needed either of you; he needs a decent father - "
"You're not his father," she cut him off smoothly. "And all the better for him. The last son you had, you taught him that he was as expendable as any other soldier, let him die like a dog on the battlefield, and then before his body is even cold, you completely invalidate his sacrifice by turning tail and running like the selfish, spineless bastard you are."
"Don't you ever get tired of saying the same things over and over again?"
"As long as you continue to go around acting like you're a saint among demons?" Azula's smile faded, leaving only contempt on her face. "I will never let you forget that you killed your own son. I'll admit that even he is not perfect, but Zuko and I are lucky to have the father we do - we could have ended up with a careless fool like you. Lu Ten deserved better than to be saddled with you. If he were still alive now - "
"Then we would not be having this conversation," Iroh cut her off. "And do you really think that if he were still here to do it, that I would be the one condemned? What about you, who let yourself be turned into everything he hated? He would see no differently than me, or Zuko, or your mother - he would condemn you as the monster you are and cast you away."
The second the word "monster" left his mouth, it took every ounce of self-restraint Azula had not to lunge at her uncle and claw his eyes out. But no, not now, she told herself firmly. She had to control herself, or she would only prove him right. So she forced her lips into a mockery of a grin, crossing her arms and digging her nails into her forearms. "Well, thanks to you, we'll never know, now, will we?" she hissed. "Don't act like you still care about how Lu Ten would feel about anything. You've spent the past six years spitting on his grave and trying to undermine everything he ever fought for. You're his enemy; I'm the last family member left who's actually doing what he wanted. You took away his honor, but by taking the Earth King's throne in his place, now I have restored it. You are nothing but a failure, as both a soldier and a father, and everything I've been saying since Lu Ten died is true: it would have been better for all involved if you had died instead of him."
She had come here looking for satisfaction, but it appeared she was going to leave in a far uglier mood than she had arrived in. There was nothing more to gain from this conversation. So without another word, she turned and yanked the door open, but she had only gotten one step out into the hall when Iroh spoke up again.
"Azula. Wait."
She went still, neither speaking nor looking back. Iroh continued, in a far less vehement tone: "I did not expect it of you...But you are not just defending Lu Ten because you find it the best way to hurt me, are you? Even being what you are...you still care about him."
"...More than you ever did," she ground out. "What's your point?"
"You can take this or leave it, as you wish. But if you go out to the grasslands south of the city proper, on the hill with the largest tree on top of it, you will find something that will allow you to pay your respects to your cousin."
The silence hung in the air between them for a moment more, before Azula walked out without a response, making a point of slamming the door behind her. As she started to make her way out of the holding cells, she wasn't fast enough to keep from hearing Iroh sigh deeply and mutter to himself, "Such a spiteful child."
~0~
She was still bristling over the conversation with her uncle even an hour later, even as she was following his instructions to the letter. The idea to ignore him out of spite had crossed her mind, but she had written it off as childish. Proving Iroh right would be of no benefit to her, and in any case, she had to admit she was curious. By the time she finally had time to go outside the city, the sun had begun to set, turning the drying yellow grass to waves of gold to match the sky.
Despite her interest, she hadn't been expecting anything big or impressive, and so when she reached the hill that Iroh had indicated, she was not surprised to find only a small collection of items at the base of the tree. She knelt to inspect them more closely: a small red clay jar, containing thin, burnt-out incense candles, beside an ink portrait propped up against rocks. She wondered who had drawn her cousin - for all his talents, Lu Ten had been no great artist, and so he must have asked or hired someone else to paint his portrait for him. The characters beside the picture, however...There was no mistaking it, that was his handwriting.
To General Iroh: See you after we win the war. Your loyal son, Lu Ten.
Loyal son...It must be a family trait, she mused, for the princes to swear loyalty to the wrong man, and then to be ruined for that mistake. But Zuko had, for years, been asking for everything that had happened to him, while she couldn't think of a single thing that Lu Ten had done to deserve his grisly fate. Zuko was and would always be a mere tool, to be used by his sister and father and then cast aside as soon as that usefulness ran out. Already, she was thinking of ways that she would be able to take advantage of
his reinstated status as the heir apparent; one day, there would be much to gain from having the Fire Lord as her puppet.
"But you would never have let anyone do that to you," she murmured, eyes fixed on her cousin's face. "You were too smart for that. You would have made an excellent Fire Lord - once your useless father was out of the way, of course. He ruins everything that we work for, but you would have been able to fix it, wouldn't you? I..."
She trailed off, wondering why, even in such a soft voice, she couldn't make herself finish her thought out loud: I wish that you were still here to fix everything. Was it that it was, on some level, traitorous, to wish a Fire Lord other than her father on the throne? No, that couldn't be it. As things were now, there could be no ruler better than Father, and it wouldn't be possible to bring back one like her cousin, anyway. No...Perhaps that was what was causing that tight feeling in her throat and chest.
"I still remember when you actually could fix everything, you know. I remember what you promised me back then. As long as I'm here, I'll always protect you, I think your exact words were?" A small, rueful smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Good thinking on your part, including that first part. That way, if anything ever happened to you, you wouldn't be going back on your word. Not that it matters now, of course. I can protect myself perfectly well, even from..." Even thousands of miles away, her father's warning glare in her mind stopped that train of thought cold. "I can't say as much for Zuko, unfortunately, but I've grown strong since you left, just as you wanted me to."
She was nothing if not a perfect soldier, at least: even after his death, she had followed Lu Ten's orders to the letter. She could perfectly recall every one of his final words to her, before he had sailed away to his death. Protect your honor, as a warrior. And no matter what anyone tells you, forge your own path. Your life is yours, and yours alone, to do with as you believe is right.
"Uncle is wrong, completely wrong. Isn't it disgraceful? His own son, and he didn't know you half as well as he thinks he did. But I know better. I did everything right, just like you told me to. I became exactly what you wanted me to be. If you were here now, you would be proud of me for it. You would tell me so...You would be the only one who did."
Oh, come now...We both know that's not true, some persistent, poisonous voice at the back of her mind, that she could never quite silence completely, insisted. He hated your father - why would he care about you? He would look at you exactly the way your mother did: as just an extension of Ozai. Younger, yes, and perhaps smarter, but certainly no less filthy and worthy of contempt. Not a person, just a worthless monster.
Shut up, shut up! she internally shouted it down, even as her stomach turned and her eyes began to sting with tears at the mere thought of being rejected by the one family member who had unconditionally loved her. "He would never do that. Not to me." Her throat was closing up, leaving her unable to speak in anything above a ragged whimper. "I did everything he wanted. I grew up perfect, just like him. That should be enough for him to still care about me. It has to be, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do for everyone - "
"Uh...Azula?"
Her heart just about stopped at the sound of the voice, and she spun around so fast she almost cricked her neck. "Zuko!" she snarled, hoping that she would out of sheer will be able to keep her face from flushing with embarrassment. "What are you doing here?!"
Surprisingly, Zuko didn't shout back. "Looking for you," he answered evenly. "I know you went down to the cells to bother Uncle - do you think you were the only one he told about this place? When I saw you coming out this way, I figured that this would be the only thing around here that would interest you."
"Good for you, you've mastered basic logic," she said with a roll of her eyes. Perhaps both the tone and the gesture were slightly too exaggerated, but Zuko wasn't perceptive enough to tell the difference between her normal self and a sarcastic mask. "Or, maybe not: why would you bother walking all the way out here looking for me? Did something happen back at the palace?"
"No. I wanted to see if you were okay," he corrected her. "I...thought you might not react well to being so close to where he died, especially since it was Uncle who set this place up and I know how you feel about him. And I guess I was right, if it's actually making you tear up."
"What?" How had he noticed?! "It's not. Give me more credit than that."
"It's okay." The gentleness of his tone surprised her. "We both miss him."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Zuko," she said as flippantly as she could, crossing her arms. "Really, this is an awful country, with all its dust and dirt constantly getting in my eyes."
"...I understand, you know. He was my big brother too."
You really are too soft. Too simple. You think you understand? Azula narrowed her eyes, considering Zuko, the brother who should never have survived but had somehow managed to. The more she thought about it, the less sense it made to her: here stood the weakling of the royal family, meeting her gaze fearlessly, having survived everything that, by all logic, should have killed him (cockroach-like, it occurred to her). And while he did this, their perfect soldier and perfect leader, the brother who actually deserved to live, rotted in the earth worlds away. And even dead, he still manages to be more useful and more honorable than Zuko, she thought wryly.
It would do no good to point any of this out to Zuko; in fact, it would be downright detrimental to her. As much as she burned to get it through his thick, arrogant head exactly how he failed to measure up to everyone else in the family, hitting him in such vulnerable areas directly after finally pulling him away from their uncle's love (selfish, conditional love, but Zuko would not accept that just yet) ran the risk of turning him away from her all over again. And if she continued with this conversation, not only would it inevitably go in that direction, but she would also put herself in the dangerous position of possibly losing control again in front of her brother, neither of which would help her. Best to just drop it all right now.
"It's not important now," she said, shaking her head. "I'm going back to the palace. Come with me or stay here, I don't care."
Without waiting for a response, she strode past Zuko and down the hill, going back the way she had come across the grass. Behind her, she heard him take a deep, exasperated breath, and his similarity to their mother and uncle made her bristle. But he said nothing to her, and when she glanced over her shoulder for a moment, she saw that he had ignored her in favor of kneeling in front of the portrait himself, paying his own respects. When she thought of the dual dao swords waiting for Zuko back in the Fire Nation, she felt a twinge of envy and disgust, but nowhere near as strong as it would have been six years ago.
It didn't matter to her any more that Zuko had inherited Jianhuren. All he had were mere objects, that meant nothing in and of themselves. She was the one who had become a warrior to rival Lu Ten, with the knowledge he had passed down to her, and even if her brother had been the one to take up his swords, she would be the one to truly carry on his legacy. She was the only one who was strong enough, and who loved him enough, to do so, after all.
And now I am going to make you more proud of me than you ever were when you were alive. Azula walked a little taller at the thought, and lifted her head to the deep golden sky. Perhaps Lu Ten really would be able to hear her words and see her power and still love her, from wherever he was now. You will not have died in vain. I am going to finish what you started, cousin, once and for all. I promise, I am going to win this war in your place.
~0~
A/N - This fic will forever stand as a testament to the fact that I can't update on time to save my life.
This is actually the first multi-chapter fic I have ever been able to finish, but I never expected it would take me almost two whole years to do it. It feels weird and great at the same time to finally be done with something I've been working on for so long. Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited, and put this story on alert! You have all been so great and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
