Chapter Nine. Hold on to me.

He didn't want to admit how much he was hoping that River was waiting for him in that bed, but he wasn't disappointed. River was running a brush through her hair, and smiled at Mal as he closed the bedroom door. He started slipping out of his boots, pulling off his coat. He was ready to be under the covers, to wrap her up in his arms, to breathe in the scent of her. Mal did just that, after he removed his trousers and shirt. It took him a moment to realize that she only wore one article of clothing: and old shirt of his. He moved to her, tugging gently at the cotton article. "Where'd you get this?" he asked. It was a hunter green cotton shirt, and it was quite old. He had been wearing it the day they'd ordered him to lay down arms in Serenity Valley. It was ironic now, that she was wearing it when he surrendered himself to her now. Mal often wore it to remind himself that even goodness can come out of something terrible. Here she was, his bright ray of sunshine, lighting the way for him through the black.

"Stole it," was her reply, as she stuck her tongue out at him. He pressed his lips against her neck.

"Mmm. Better be careful. I think I know who that belongs to. And he's a grumpy old man."

"Grumpy, yes, but not old. Besides," she said, running her fingers through his hair. At the top of his head, she grabbed his hair, giving him a pull. Mal gasped, then let out a groan. "I can take him."

"Oh can you?" was the amused reply. Mal grabbed her by the waist, pulling her over to him, pressing his lips against hers. He broke the kiss only for a moment. "To answer your earlier question, bao bei… Well, I've always said that shipboard relationships complicate things. And, well… I wanted to make sure that I could function as Captain while still loving you before I made any rash decisions."

"You also wanted make sure that you didn't still have feelings for Inara," River added, raising a knowing brow at him. Mal just chuckled. He was certain that there was nothing he could keep from her.

"Are you satisfied that I don't?" This got a smile out of her as she looked him in the eye.

"Yes. She still loves you."

He kissed her forehead before pulling the covers over them and turning out the light. "Well, I reckon that's unfortunate. A little albatross came and stole my heart away."

"I've never been with a man before," River finally told him. "There were some boys on a few worlds that wanted to, but I always stopped before it happened. Didn't feel right. Couldn't stop thinking about you." Mal snuck his left arm underneath her pillow, pulling her close with his right.

"I was worried about that. I didn't want to take that away from you. I can't make you many promises, River. Right now I can't even promise that you'll ever fly Serenity again. I can promise that I love you, baobei-"

"I don't require promises," she interrupted, running her hand up his bare chest. "Just a captain." She pushed him over until he was on his back, shifting into Scientific River. "Now, I've seen your dreams. Studied them. Watched how you fantasized intimacy with me." River then began placing soft kisses down the length of his torso, as if she'd done it a hundred times. "I was optimistic to see that pleasing me was a high priority for you."

Mal grabbed her waist, pulling her on top of him, her small frame resting on his chest. "This ain't something you can analyze. I've seen you watch a dance and then pick up the moves a few seconds later. This ain't like that."

"Sure it is," she said. "I watched Dream River please you night after night." His cheeks still burned from thinking about those nights he'd had to take a cold shower to get her off of his mind.

Her hair fell against him, and he pulled it to the side. "Hows about you let me worry about the pleasure?" Mal asked. She obviously wasn't expecting this. His voice began to lower, and he slipped his hand underneath the soft cotton of her borrowed shirt, his fingers brushing the soft skin of her stomach. They traveled down, and Mal turned her over so that she was on her back and he was over her on his side. She frowned for a moment, but then he reached the edge of her underwear, and removed them effortlessly.

"You can put a halt to this right now," he explained, and she shook her head.

"I saw this," she explained, her eyes wide. "The first time I saw you, I saw us in many moments together. This was one of them. Been waiting for it, aching for it, ever since. Didn't always know it, though. But now I see. Please, Mal, don't stop." Mal exhaled, moving closer and pressing his lips against her own, then down her neck. One arm under her pulled her close. The other hand finally slipped down her impossibly narrow frame, right at the place where her thighs met. River gasped.

"Shh," he whispered, feeling pretty accomplished for getting such a pleasant reaction out of her from only one touch. She was slick, but nervous. Her legs instinctively closed, but he guided them back apart once more.

"Oh, Mal." Her words were quiet, but whispered just the right way in his ear, her breath sending a shiver down his spine. He let out a soft moan against her hair, and then watched as she arched her back against him. He found the place within her that he knew she would appreciate, moving quietly, consistently.

River had never experienced anything like this. Even when she'd fooled around with the boys on the border planets, none of them had known how to do this to her. They'd just fumbled around down there until she called it off, running back to Serenity. Now that her wildest dreams were being realized, she was overwhelmed.

Before, she could hear everyone in the house. Kaylee consoling Simon, saying it was only time that River grew up. Zoe was engrossed in a romance novel. Anything to push out the reminders of what she'd lost. Jayne wasn't even at the house - he was down the road getting himself what he called 'some trim'. Out of range.

Now, as Mal's hand worked against that place of hers, she could hardly breathe. Her body grew warm, so she slipped out her shirt, causing Mal to swear in Chinese. She still had a few healing wounds from the crash landing, but it was nothing to Mal. She saw herself in his mind then, a perfect specimen, so small and wonderfully made. Her cheeks grew hot as his movements grew more frantic against her, and a strange feeling began to ebb against her. River's body flushed with heat, her body began to move against him, and she bit her lip to keep from making the noises she wanted. The sensation she felt could be described as running up a hill - building and building and building in the deepest parts of her. When she reached the top, it was like a dam had broken.

"Oh." Moving to Mal, she came against his hand, moaning into his chest, being as quiet as she possibly could manage. Everything in her mind shut down, like when she put Serenity to sleep at night. The lights flickered and then dimmed again.

It took her a few moments to regain consciousness. Mal was gently kissing against her neck, her collarbone. "There's my good girl," he murmured as she turned to face him, her eyes wide and disbelieving. She had no words for him, but pressed herself against him as tightly as she could. When she felt him, hard, against her stomach, she smiled, placing her hand just there. Now it was Mal's turn to let out a moan.

"Careful," he told her, brushing some hair out of her face. "You've been moanin' in my ear, squirmin' underneath me. It's enough to drive any man crazy." Mal let out a groan as she moved her hand up and down the length of him. "I… oh… don't mean to spoil the moment, but oh. Mmm. You wouldn't happen to-"

"I'm infertile," was her quiet reply. She had done this part before. A few boys had shown her how they liked her to do it, but she'd seen herself do it this way in Mal's dreams before, and the way his heart raced and his breathing came quicker let her know that he appreciated it.

"Gorrammit, River, how do you… God." He couldn't take it any more. Finally, Mal pushed her hand away, grabbing it and holding it down next to her head. The next one followed on the other, but he didn't hold her there. His hands moved to her hips, allowing her arms to rest against his neck.

"Now, darlin'," he started, his voice low and soft.

"I know," she said. "Might hurt. It's okay."

"C'mere," he said, wrapping his arms all the way around her. "Hold on to me." River braced herself. Kaylee had told her that the first time was always the worst, that it hurt, but just let it happen and it would be over soon. Mal's arms went on forever, wrapping her up completely. One hand rest against the back of her neck, the other on the opposite hip. She was entangled in him, and never wanted to leave. But she was still nervous. "Relax, baobei," Mal said, and she exhaled.

He found her then, and very slowly, slow as he could manage with his blood rushing, pressed himself into her. River made a small noise, but it was so close to the moans of pleasure that she had made in his ear shortly before that he didn't stop. She was so incredibly tight around him, Mal thought he might burst right then and there. "Oh, River," he whispered, lowering his head against her collarbone.

"Don't stop." The words left her mouth, echoing her earlier sentiment. It was all Mal needed. He began to move against her, which caused her only mild discomfort for a few fleeting moments, but when he made an adjustment, he found that place again, causing her to bite down on the place where his shoulder met his neck, moaning against him. "Oh, Mal, don't stop." He heeded to her order, losing himself in the warmth of her. She was so tiny underneath him, but so firm and strong everywhere. He felt her start to tighten against him again, and knew that she was getting close. Mal wanted to time it just right, but he was starting to slip over the edge. His movements became erratic, frantic almost, pressing himself into her, holding her close.

"Mal," River said. "Oh, Mal. Please." She warmed underneath him, and just when he felt her start to come against him, he lost it, sinking into her, muffling his moan against her slick skin. She clung to him for dear life as her own orgasm wracked her body, her fingers gripping tight in his hair, against his shoulder. Each of them panting, Mal rolled gently onto his side, pulling her close to him. Their hearts raced one another. River met his gaze steadily.

"I'm happy it was you," she said, a slight rasp to her voice. "I would have imagined you anyway. At least this way you get to be the first." Suddenly her brows furrowed, and she looked down. "I appear to need a towel." Mal chuckled softly, reaching next to the bed for the towel he'd used to shower that morning, handing it to her. After she was cleaned up, Mal pulled her close to him.

"This is the important part," he said to her. "Any man who don't wanna hold you like this - you run. He ain't a man worth havin'." River nodded.

"Easy solution," was her reply. "I only make love with you."

"As long as I'm breathin' I hope that's the case." He pushed her damp hair out of her face. "I love you, River. I hope you're only ever with men who love you. Hell, I hope you're only ever with me, but that's just me bein' selfish." River ran a hand down his chest, giving him another shiver. She kissed him there. She was going to spoil him with her endless affection.

"Not selfish. I'm yours alone."

"Promise?" He asked, in a rare moment of vulnerability. She paused for a moment, as if she were choosing her words carefully.

"As long as I breathe."

I never saw it coming. Are you kidding me? River was just a girl! And Mal… Well, he was no saint. We didn't agree on much. In fact, I'm having a hard time trying to remember something we ever did agree on. He was a stubborn fool. Nothing could have been done to prevent what happened, as terrible as that sounds. I don't think I could have talked him out of it any more than I could have wished the grass to be blue or the sky to be green. I pray for him often, even now. Though, I'd be lying if I told you a part of me didn't want to be with him. I imagined a fantasy world once, where we were different people, meeting under different circumstances. But then we wouldn't be who we are now. The half life of love is forever. If only we'd had that long.

Inara Serra