Since I'm so kind and generous, I'll be posting this a couple of days early. No need to thank me, just enjoy the story. Oh, and don't forget to review cause those are loved.
3:
Now:
"Kanan!"
The cry seemed to echo throughout the entire ship, reverbing off the metal walls and jolting the man from his meditation. Subconsciously he recognized it as Zeb's voice and it didn't take the fear in the Lasat's voice to have him sprinting out of the room. Certainly helped, sending eerie chills through his spine as his brain raced with the worst possible scenarios.
He took the corner, the door to Zeb and Ezra's shared room sliding open to reveal Zeb crouched down on his knees with Ezra cradled in his arms on the floor. His padawan's head hung limply to the side, dark strands dangling in his face and hiding familiar features.
Something electric jolted up Kanan's spine at the sight.
"What happened?" he demanded, stepping forward in the room as the door clicked shut behind him.
Zeb looked up, mouth opened as if he was going to say something when Ezra suddenly groaned. The boy's small frame curled in closer to Zeb's broad chest. It was the first time Kanan realized that the youth was shivering.
"What happened?" he repeated, closing the distance between the two of them and set a gentle palm against Ezra's cheek.
He had to jerk back in shock when something sharp and painful shot through his arm, numbing it. Ezra mumbled something inaudible as he curled further against Zeb, arms circled over his chest protectively.
"Zeb!" Kanan snapped, teal eyes narrowing on the Lasat demanding answers.
"He just collapsed," Zeb finally managed to force out, green eyes wide as his fingers curled tighter around Ezra's thin form.
Kanan sighed, closing his eyes as he tried seeking out his padawan through the force. He was met with something that wasn't Ezra though it didn't seem completely unfamiliar either. He gasped, instantly pulling away as he blinked both eyes open and stared down at his padawan in confusion.
"What happened back on that planet?" he demanded and Zeb gaped at him with the guiltiest expression he's ever seen on the warrior.
Red flags sprouted immediately as he narrowed his eyes, prepared to string the truth from him, when Ezra mumbled again as blue eyes fluttered open weakly.
"Kanan?" he asked, voice laced in confusion as he sat up to stare at the two of them with a lost expression that made him look impossibly young, "What happened?"
Kanan met Zeb's eyes from over the youth's head as he replied, "Good question."
Zeb just chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and looked away. Kanan recognized what that meant- he didn't want to fill either one of them in what was going on now that Ezra seemed to be back to normal. A little dazed and confused but otherwise normal.
"How are you feeling?" Kanan asked, turning to face the boy in front of him, setting a gentle hand against his shoulder and just holding it there.
There were no bouts of pain, no sudden shocks but the familiar presence still lingered. It seemed like forever since he felt it and he figured that was why he couldn't quite place where he had felt it before. That and the fact that his concern for Ezra was overwhelming his ability to piece together where he's felt it before.
"Huh? I'm fine," Ezra reassured like it was obvious, which it wasn't. At this point, it was clearly a lie and one Kanan's decided has gone on for too long.
"Ezra," he growled as gently as he could without really losing any edge.
He was rewarded by electric blue eyes blinking back at him, face paler than normal making the twin scars on his cheek stand out. Not for the first time, the sight of them made something sharp and painful pierce Kanan's chest and he had to draw his attention back to the youth who looked seconds away from passing out to Zeb, who looked uncharacteristically concerned.
"I'm going to need an explanation," Kanan finally decided adverting all his attention to Zeb, who at least didn't look seconds away from checking out on them.
Zeb just chuckled nervously, green eyes moving to the side as he scratched the back of his neck in that suspicious way of his. Beside him, Ezra turned his attention to his roommate and scrunched his face up in careful thought. He looked almost too fragile, which was impossible considering everything he's been through.
"Zeb?" Ezra asked, voice calmer than it probably should've been as he cocked his head to the side and continued, "What really happened?"
"You were injured," Zeb reassured, his face a tight mask as he seemed to stare at the kid and mentally pleaded for him to believe it.
Ezra blinked, furrowing his brow and it didn't take the force for Kanan to know that he didn't believe him. Kanan didn't believe him, which lead to the interesting conclusion that whatever had happened while they had been alone was enough to traumatize the warrior.
Kanan didn't think he wanted to know, but he also knew he needed to know. Especially if it involved his padawan.
"Zeb," Kanan snapped but Ezra's blue eyes fogged over temporally as he swayed in place. His hold on the force wavered as something stronger seemed to swallow him whole.
Concerned and more than slightly angered, Kanan pressed back against the invading presence attacking his already weakened padawan. Ezra didn't seem to notice, shoulders slumping as exhaustion pulled him under. Zeb caught the thin form in its decent, Kanan tangling with the malignant presence lurking somewhere inside of Ezra.
It fought back, stronger than he had initially imagined, but the second it tangled with his own it drew back. Withdrawing back somewhere inside of Ezra, virtually disappearing and causing Kanan to growl lowly in his throat.
He was certain then.
Something, or someone, was inside of Ezra leeching off of him and wearing him out to the point of constant collapse. It was a miracle they hadn't killed the kid yet, rather intentionally or not.
Zeb met his gaze over Ezra's unconscious face, eyes wide in concern as large hands curled around the thin form. Ezra remained still, face neutral as he internally struggled to contain whatever had been released inside of him.
"Zeb, you're going to have to explain to me what really happened," Kanan decided then, eyes narrowed and voice unwavering as he mentally prepared for some sort of fight for the truth.
Zeb didn't reply, fingers just tightening around Ezra's suddenly too-small frame.
It was amazing how different a perspective could change even when not much had changed.
"Zeb," Kanan prompted, voice low and throaty and it wasn't his intention to come off so harshly. He was concerned for Ezra's health, as they all were, but something deep within Kanan told him that if they didn't figure all this out soon then Ezra would lose whatever battle he's currently facing.
Kanan refused to let that happen.
He wasn't losing anybody else, never again.
"We were attacked," Zeb explained voice low and head bowed as he kept his tight grip against Ezra's shoulders, "and they had electric prods. The kid leapt in front of me and didn't make it."
Kanan's heart sped at the implications in that, eyes shifting back down to Ezra who looked worn and pale but still alive. His chest was still rising and falling in steady rhythm, which was good.
"What does that mean?" Kanan asked once he reassured himself that Ezra was still alive and it had just been his brain jumping to the worst conclusions.
He wasn't.
"He died Kanan. I wasn't enough and he saved me and… died," Zeb admitted, voice raw as he squeezed Ezra hard enough to kill him a second time.
Kanan didn't think, just reacted.
He reached over and pulled Ezra out from the Lasat's hold, drawing the boy to his chest in perhaps a too protective gesture. He didn't care, something akin to a black hole swallowing everything inside his chest as Zeb's words echoed in his head conflicting with what he felt underneath his hands.
"How?" Kanan finally forced out because Zeb was staring at him with such despair.
"I wasn't fast enough," Zeb explained as his gaze dropped to Ezra still unconscious and oblivious to the two males around him, "and he paid the price. Kanan, I'm sorry."
Which Kanan didn't want to hear.
After all, from what he gathered he knew it wasn't Zeb's fault. It had just been a freak accident that frightened Zeb into lying to them all about what really happened, and the fact that Ezra was alive in his arms proved that there was more to the story than just that.
"What's done is done," he replied Jedi calm as he met Zeb's gaze and pressed, "but I need to know what had happened afterwards. I need to know how Ezra's alive."
Because that's all that's really important at the moment. Ezra.
Vivid green eyes flittered down to Ezra as he shrugged and spoke in a broken voice, "I don't know. I- he was taken by a figure in a hood and by the time I managed to catch up Ezra was alive."
Kanan let that sink in, conflicted between the sickening realization that Ezra had been taken and the relief that he was alive because of it. In his arms, the youth's breath hitched but Kanan immediately smothered whatever discomfort he was undoubtedly feeling.
Across from them, Zeb shifted. Green eyes were blown with concern and a need to help but this wasn't something any of them could fight. They couldn't even feel it, unaware until it makes itself known.
"What's wrong with him?" Zeb demanded, fists clenched in tight fists as something bright and angry burned in his gaze.
And it was so rare to see Zeb so concerned over the youth, willing to fight whatever was making him ill. Despite the circumstances, Kanan hid a smile. He always sort of knew Zeb- like all of them- had grown a soft spot for the orphan they had taken in off the streets, but it was something else entirely to be able to see it firsthand.
He just wished the situation hadn't been so dire.
Kanan let out a tired breath, fingers curling around Ezra's bony frame as he explained as even as he could, "The very thing that had saved him is now killing him."
Then:
When Ezra first joined the crew he remembered feeling more exposed than he ever had before- with good reason. He was stuck on a ship with strangers he had just met, sticking around only because he thought they could teach him something.
It eventually worked out in his favor, gaining something he hadn't in so long- a family. People whom he cared deeply for and would willing give his life just so they could survive.
And it was that feeling that made him recede somewhere deep inside himself. He didn't want to care, he didn't want to love, but he also knew that it was too late. He had already left himself vulnerable enough to start feeling something that was practically foreign.
The only difference was that that foreign feeling hadn't tried killing him.
Now:
Ezra was dying.
He could feel it, something twisted and ugly slowly ripping away any sense he held of himself. It was destroying him and he had no idea how to stop it. He couldn't even recall where it had come from, only that it suddenly invaded his very self and was terminating him from the inside out.
He shivered, cold racking his bony frame as blue eyes fluttered open.
He was surprised to find himself back in the med bay, his orange rags replaced with crisp white clothes hospitals administer to their patents. Only he wasn't in a hospital, he was on the ship by himself and he was almost certain that he wasn't going to make it.
A groan escaped parched lips as he rolled over, the cold's bony fingers crawling up and down his spine as he resisted the urge to gag at the sour sensation forcing itself up his throat. It would be a shame if he ruined what little the crew actually had.
The pulsing hammer in his brain calmed down some as he sat up straight, though the room did swirl in a display of brilliant colors and shapes and if he didn't already figure he was in bad shape then he was almost certain now.
Forcing his protesting body to move, he managed to climb off the bed. The movement sent a jolt of electricity through his skull, nailing it in place. His vision blacked out as his legs buckled, all the while his hands reached out for something to steady himself on. He found the bed, hand fisting in the sheets as he managed to stay upright, blinking until the blackness receded.
The white robes he had been dressed in were warm and soft, but even they weren't enough to stop the internal cold that seemed to rack his entire frame in shivers.
Pushing all that away, he took one step towards the door. He wobbled slightly under the shift in his weight but he managed to hold himself together so he took another and then another and another until he managed to reach the door.
He pushed to free the latch and open the door, leaning on his weight and feeling relief fill him as it whooshed open revealing an empty hall- not that that came as any sort of surprise. Somewhere in the back of his brain he was aware that the ship was empty. The crew was gone, leaving him alone.
Pushing off the door panel, he moved down the hall and didn't stop until he made it outside where he was almost instantly bombarded with the overwhelming sense of everything at once. It was like whatever presence nature held was intensified, leaving him shaking under the crushing weight of it all.
Find Caleb Dume.
Ezra winced at the voice, swallowing back the bile it caused but he squared his shoulders and narrowed his resolve. He was planning on it anyways because maybe then the stupid voice in his head would leave him alone.
Save Caleb Dume.
"Okay," Ezra growled as he moved in a random direction, the presence of the ship disappearing behind him, "You win. I'll find this Caleb and then you can finally leave me alone."
Silence answered.
Zeb grumbled under his breath for what felt like the millionth time as he trudged back towards the ship. It wasn't like he already didn't know that he had screwed up, not telling the crew what Kanan insisted he came clean about almost instantly. He just couldn't and then he did and everything went downhill from there.
For one, Ezra's health seemed to take a sudden nosedive for the worst as he became nearly comatose. Not even Kanan's gentle prodding with the force had been enough to wake him, and Hera immediately declared him critical.
They had stripped him from his normal clothes, tightly wrapping icy skin in warm robes before placing him in the med bay before they realized they couldn't really help him on board. They needed a doctor in a city but nearly six hours later they haven't been able to come up with one.
That's when Zeb had been sent away, to go back and check on the kid and make sure he still had a pulse. Zeb frowned, knowing he was being punished for keeping such drastic details from them but had complied anyways. His feet hurt, anyways, and if he was honest then he might've even admitted that he was concerned for the youth as well.
Only when he finally did arrive back at the ship, it was completely empty.
"Karabast," he cursed softly under his breathe, panic making his ears roar and echo as he flashed back to images of the kid moving against his own freewill.
He sprinted out from the ship, noting how the suns had already started to settle out from sight, blanketing the world in an eerie darkness. He ignored that realization, head swerving until he caught sight of the faintest signs of a trail.
Forcing calm, he took a deep breath and started forward at a quicker pace than he hoped Ezra would be able to take. After all, he didn't like the thought of the kid who was still so ill and confused out on his own.
"Ezra," he hissed as the darkness descended on him, jogging at a fair pace as he racked his brain for the possibility that Ezra could already have been wondering by himself for several hours now. Alone and shoeless with a crazed voice ripping his sanity apart.
Zeb's heart leapt so it was lodged somewhere in his throat.
"Ezra!" he cried a little more desperate then he should've- especially considering the kid might be conscious and hear it and get the wrong idea.
Though at the moment Zeb was willing to admit that he was grievously worried about the youth. Anything could happen to him and he doesn't think his heart could handle it a second time if he stumbled upon Ezra's lifeless form.
Lucky for him, the kid was still upright when he finally managed to catch up.
Ezra had stopped, hand pressed against the side of a tree as he seemed to catch his breath which just proved to show how wearing this ordeal has been on him. Usually the kid was a bundle of nothing but energy, bouncing around all over the place and capable of running circles around all of them.
This shouldn't have been enough to exhaust him.
Yet there he was, hand pressed tightly against the tree bark as he panted. His skin was an almost white pallor as he seemed to quiver in the white clothes bound tightly around his thin form. Ezra's eyes were squeezed shut so Zeb couldn't tell if it was the kid or the other person.
"Ezra?" he asked in hopes it was who he wanted as he stepped forward, hand outstretched like he was going to touch him.
Ezra flinched, shoulders hunching further in themselves as he asked in a small voice, "Zeb? Something's wrong. I don't feel right."
"I know," Zeb reassured as lightly as he could as he tried channeling his inner Kanan, "You need help so come back with me so we can figure this out."
Another step. Slow. Cautious. Steady.
Ezra flinched, curling impossibly further in on himself.
"No," he gasped as bloodless fingers curled tighter into the tree bark, "I can't. They won't shut up until I do this."
He released the tree before Zeb had a chance to ask who, stepping forward- further away from Zeb- and almost instantly collapsed under his weight. Zeb was beside him almost instantly, large hands wrapping themselves securely around Ezra's biceps.
"Zeb?" Ezra asked, voice nothing more than a raspy whisper as his hand reached up to clutch at his head, "Something isn't right. Everything hurts."
Zeb swallowed, reminded just how much he isn't Kanan and can't help the kid in ways he most likely needed at the moment. He couldn't even move him, in fear of making the situation worst. So he just held him, lending his own strength and praying that the others would find them soon.
He doubted it, forgetting his comm back on the GHOST and knew they wouldn't return themselves until they found someone who could help them.
"Ezra?" Zeb asked because the silence was causing something sour to settle back in his stomach, "You still with me?"
"Yeah," Ezra reassured, head bowed and shoulders slumped but he was still rigid under Zeb's hold. Rigid and so very cold.
"You mind talking for me?" Zeb pressed knowing that he'd feel better if he could just continuously hear that the boy was still awake and mostly conscious.
Ezra just snorted, sending painful vibrations throughout his entire frame as he teased, "I thought you hated my constant chatter. You always complained about how it gives you headaches."
"Yeah well, humor me," Zeb shot back, fighting a smile at the mouthy response.
"Okay," Ezra agreed before he let off a sad sounding sigh, hunching up on himself as he continued, "Something is wrong with the force. It's like someone turned it up to 11, tuning me into every little detail around us. Intensifying what I've always been aware of but in a way that confuses me more than whatever voice in my head is."
"You hearing voices now kid?" Zeb teased though there wasn't any real heat in the words, an empty chuckle escaping his throat as he tried calming his own nerves as well as the youth.
Ezra nodded as he explained, "They keep telling me to find and rescue Caleb Dume."
The name sent something shooting up Zeb's spine as he asked cryptically, "Do you know anybody by that name?"
Ezra chuckled dryly as he forced out, "I wish but, no, I don't. Do you?"
Zeb blinked before replying honestly, "No."
Ezra gave off a sad sigh as he mumbled, "Bummer," before his entire frame went slack and he lurched forward sending something frighteningly cold throughout Zeb's being.
"Kid?" he asked, voice raising only slightly as he caught the kid and flipped him over in his arms so he could stare at the lax features lost in unconsciousness.
Not good.
"Kid?" he demanded, voice harsh and demanding as he gapped at the blank expression.
He felt it before anything else.
A push- shove really- through what he could only assume was the force. He lost his grip on the kid as he flew backwards, crashing into a tree hard enough to send several cracks running up the trunk. The grass didn't offer any cushion in his fall either.
Black dots spread across his vision as he blinked, looking up to where Ezra was now standing. White robes fluttered behind him, whipping back and forth almost eerily as he stood in a way much older and different than the youth ever had.
"No," Zeb protested though he was too weak to do anything about it.
He slipped into unconscious a split second later, the last thing he remembered seeing was a stranger standing several feet away in Ezra's body.
Then:
She held many regrets in her life but taking on a padawan was never one of them- no matter how badly the kid ran her to her wits end with his endless questions and abundant amounts of energy and constant need to either disobey or question her every order. Somewhere deep down inside she knew he had wormed himself somewhere in her heart, burrowing himself there where she suspects he'll remain even after she was long gone.
Then she had died.
She remembered, sitting on that forsaken planet with him when the clones they were with suddenly turned on them. Order 66- it'll later be known as- or just simply the Jedi-massacre because that's what it had been. Hundreds falling to people they had once fought side by side with, trusting their lives with the other.
It just went to show how easily everything could change- how instantaneous and horrible.
She had been with her padawan when it had happened, the clones they were with turning on them with weapons raised and faces masked behind those helmets of theirs.
She had turned to face them, lightsaber outstretched in front of her and her padawan somewhere behind her. She had called out to him, demanding him to run while reassuring that he was right behind him. And he had rather or not he believed her, and then she was shot and darkness and cold quickly overwhelmed her.
She fell like many of her other Jedi, thoughts of protecting her padawan being the last thing she remembered before nothingness.
Now:
There was a disturbance in the force- something Kanan never thought he'd recognize in his lifetime.
He had been aware of how Master Yoda had been so fond of that phrase, able to pick up instant changes that wouldn't work in the majority's favor, and he often heard rumors of how the great Jedi master would claim as much before everything went sour.
At the time, when he had been much younger, he hadn't entirely understood what that meant. The force was just always there, it seemed, bending and constantly changing around the different worlds. He couldn't even begin to comprehend what a disturbance would feel like, always imaging the force would adapt to it like it did everything else.
Now he understood.
It wasn't something he could place with words, just instantly cueing in to something dreadful happening and, naturally, his first thoughts went to his padawan. Something he'd later try and reason was entirely because the kid was sick, dying, and a youngling suddenly fading from existence should qualify as a disturbance.
"Love, what is it?" Hera asked from beside him, green eyes wide with concern as he realized he had been talking before going silent and rod still as he sought out his now missing padawan.
The other presence was burning brightly, though. Encompassing him with its tempting warmth and familiarity.
"Kanan?" Hera repeated, hand settling on his arm as she stepped forward.
Kanan just opened his mouth, like he was going to say something, but then he was gone. Sprinting through the forests and under the cover of the trees back in the direction they had come. Behind him, he heard Hera following all the while yelling at Sabine and Chopper to head back to the GHOST through her comm.
His feet slid in the grass and soil when he finally made it back to the ship, a sickening feeling entire his gut when he realized the ramp was still down- something both Ezra and Zeb knew better than ever attempting.
Behind him, Hera must have come to the same conclusion because she gasped- soft and worried- as she ran past him and up the ramp calling for Ezra and Zeb. She hadn't needed to bother though, Kanan could feel their absence.
Spinning on his heel, he relocated the unwelcomed presence. It latched onto him almost instantly, tangling itself in his very being as it tried forcing itself on him. It was strange as it didn't seem intent on hurting him, just relieved.
He didn't let that thought linger for long, taking off after it.
Hera cried out in shock, calling his name but he didn't bother slowing down. Not with the heavy weight in his chest that accompanied the thought that they were already too late. That he had failed again and lost someone else close to him.
"Ezra!" he did call out, hoping for a response he knew would never come.
And he was right, silence only followed as he increased his pace.
He slid to a stop when he came upon Zeb, lying unconscious beside a badly fractured tree. His tongue turned to cotton in his mouth as he knelt down beside the big guy, settling a hand against his shoulder and reassured himself that the warrior was fine. He would have a terrible headache in the morning but he would recover within the next couple of hours.
The same couldn't be said about Ezra, whom he still hadn't been able to find.
Rising back up to his feet, he spun to resume his search only to freeze in place as he caught sight of his padawan standing several feet away. White robes hanging off his thin frame as blue eyes clouded with someone that wasn't Ezra- couldn't be Ezra. They were too old and sad.
Kanan felt his initial shock quickly morph to anger, which he swallowed down as he ground out, "Who are you?"
"Why?" the person asked in Ezra's voice as they stepped forward reaching out with a small pale hand, "Don't you recognize me?"
"I recognize my padawan," Kanan growled back, fingers nearly bloodless as they curled tightly at his sides, "and I recognize the fact that you're killing him."
Blue eyes blinked in shock as they gasped, "Padawan? You?"
Kanan wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean or what he was supposed to feel to that. All he knew was that the response made him angrier than he was before, teal eyes narrowing into slits as he took in the person killing Ezra.
"Yes," he replied voice steel and unwavering as he continued to glare, "and I'd appreciate it if you left him alone, whoever you are."
Another blink.
A tilt of the head, dark strands falling into place as they continued to seize him up like they were having trouble piecing something together.
"Who are you?" they suddenly demanded, blue eyes glaring as if they were coming to a conclusion that wouldn't work in Kanan's favor.
"Kanan Jarrus."
No hesitation. Just facts.
Blue eyes blinked in surprise, face morphing into one of utter confusion as they repeated in a soft voice, "Kanan?"
"Correct," Kanan responded, stepping forward so he could demand again, "Now get out of my padawan."
If there was any of Ezra left, that was. For all he knew, as soon as the presence disappeared then so would Ezra, who had already been so weak and ill.
He swallowed, forcing those thoughts from his brain as he concentrated on what currently stood several feet in front of him.
They blinked again, as if unsure, before blue narrowed into narrow slits as they growled, "Imposter. You're not him, you only feel like him."
Which didn't really make any sense.
Before Kanan could ask what they were talking about, he was flying backwards. His back bounced off a tree before he landed on the grass, blinking dazed eyes back up at the now glaring figure several feet away. The white robes were whipping behind him as the trees seemed to bend back and forth under the crushing presence of the force.
Kanan wasn't sure how he felt about that.
Scrambling back to his hands and knees, he reached out at the oppressive force signature. He found it almost immediately, tangling with it even when it fought against him.
Ezra screamed, the noise shrill and foreign as he dropped to his knees. His hands came up to clutch at his temples, squeezing tightly as he hunched over himself.
Kanan didn't stop his assault on whatever was inside the kid, pushing back with all his might. He had been able to catch it off guard at first, but it had managed to recover pushing against him with twice as much strength sending bolts of pain through his skull.
He cried out in pain, throat going raw at the way it sent his head swirling.
"No," Ezra's small voice protested from several feet away, forcing the attack to lessen before collapsing completely.
Kanan took advantage of the opening, diving back in his padawan's head and digging out the presence that had all but buried itself back inside of Ezra. With great strength, he jerked until it came back to the surface.
"What?" it asked in Ezra's voice, head coming up to stare at him as blue eyes seemed to seize him back up, "Who are you really?"
"I already told you," Kanan replied climbing to his feet and starting over to where Ezra was hunched over on his knees, "The name's Kanan. Kanan Jarrus."
"Impossible," they choked, head falling so his chin touched his chest, "you feel so much like him. You shouldn't be able to do that."
Kanan stopped several feet away as he cocked his head to the side and demanded, "Who?"
Blue met his own as they explained in a breathless tone, "Caleb."
Then:
Kanan hadn't always been known by that name just like he hadn't always been known as rebel or the leader of the GHOST. At one time, he had been a padawan that went by the name of Caleb Dume and he had lived in a temple. He had seen what it was supposed to be like to be a Jedi.
Then Order 66 happened and it was like all of that disappeared.
He had become a fugitive. He had done things neither the council nor his master would've approved of, until he had finally found a purpose. A crew in which he cares very deeply for, and watching any of them fall apart is enough to kill him.
No more, he had sworn back on that planet all those years ago, I can't lose anymore.
Now:
For a moment, Kanan forgot how to breathe.
It seemed he hadn't been the only one, though. The whole world seemed to cease spinning, go painfully still and silent as bright blue eyes stared back at him. Not that it mattered, he wasn't there anymore. He was back to being just a youngling with too much curiosity as his master constantly chided him for being irresponsible.
"Master?"
It came out as a croak, realization striking him somewhere under the diaphragm and stealing all his breath with it. It wasn't possible, though. He had watched her die.
Blue eyes widened and he was certain then.
He wasn't sure how but the eyes looking back at him were those of his late master, though these seemed more vulnerable than he remembered. Almost like they needed to know that it was really him, but Kanan couldn't see how that would be possible. After all, he's not the same he had been all those years ago.
"So it really is you," Depa breathed still in Ezra's body as she continued to stare at him in wonder, "my padawan."
Except he wasn't. Not really. Not anymore.
"How is this possible?" he demanded, anger overcoming his shock because she had lied to him and left him alone and now she was going to take someone else from him. Someone he doesn't think he handle losing.
"I'm not sure," Depa admitted blinking in surprise at the question before she squinted in his direction and added like a proud mother, "You've grown up well. Even gaining yourself a padawan of your own."
Kanan swallowed at the words, feeling weak as he nodded and added, "A padawan you're currently killing."
Depa's face fell, twisting Kanan's chest in ways he hadn't been aware it could as she nodded and whispered lowly, "I know. I'm sorry. I just- I had to find you. I needed to save you from the Empire."
"The Empire isn't our current threat," Kanan protested as he stepped forward, closer though it was much more cautious and less hostile than before as he accused, "You are."
That time, he felt the shock through the force.
She still blinked in surprise, probably taken aback by his words before a small smile graced her lips and it was nothing like Ezra's ever done before. It was warm and gentle and proud in ways only those who saw the worst in everything could pull off. It unnerved Kanan to see it on the kid's face then, churning his stomach sickeningly.
"You see now, don't you?" she asked though he wasn't sure if she expected an answer from him, "Despite how frustrating they make us, we're not sure how we could get anywhere without them. They become something so much more than our padawans."
Kanan wasn't sure he's ever heard him speak so fondly about him before, no matter how indirect. It sent something warm and fuzzy to flutter around him, mixing with the cold at the thought of losing his padawan.
"Yes," he agreed, voice raw with the truth as he continued staring at Depa through the eyes of Ezra. It was so odd.
She reached out then, fingers brushing against his cheek and it was the way she did it that had him flashing back to all those times she used to touch him when they were still just master and padawan. When the world made sense and Jedi weren't hunted and executed.
"I'm sorry I left you so soon," she apologized, the words taking him by surprise but she continued before he had a chance to interrupt, "I just didn't see any other way to protect you, and I thought that you were smart enough to figure it all out on your own without me."
"Master," he breathed, eyes tightly closed as he felt a sudden sense of despair overcoming him.
"Shh," she soothed, stroking his cheek before she pulled away and whispered, "Ask me to stay and I will."
Teal eyes shot open, staring at her serious face in shock. His stomach flipped over in itself as the words made themselves clear. She was asking him to choose between her and Ezra. Master or apprentice. The answer seemed simpler than he thought it should've been.
"I can't," he told her his voice surprisingly even as he stared at her in ways she could only make him, "I-"
She shushed him by placed a finger to his lips, smiling back at him as she reassured, "It's okay. I understand. I'm proud of you, just always know that."
He blinked, realization dawning on him and making him squint back at her. It had been a test to see how he would respond.
"Master," he said, so many emotions thrust into that one word as he battered her hand away and glared. She just grinned back at him, mischievous making Ezra's blue eyes sparkle.
"I don't think I am anymore for there's nothing left for me to teach you," she replied sounding smug but also proud. Happy.
It warmed Kanan's heart.
"Teach him to be great just like you," she said, "He's stronger than either one of us could possible imagine. A terrible balance, the dark side always threatening to overwhelm him though his need to please you is keeping him from crossing over. Keep it that way."
Kanan swallowed as he nodded and promised, "I will."
Another smile, this one neither Depa nor Ezra, as she nodded and replied, "I know," and then as quickly as she seemed to have appeared she was gone.
Blue eyes rolled up in the back of Ezra's skull, causing the youth's knees to give out underneath him and sent him crashing to the ground. It was all the warning Kanan got as he dove forward to catch his padawan, cradling him in his arms as he sought him out through the force.
He managed to find him, small and weak but undoubtedly there. A grin split his features as relief threatened to overwhelm him and he didn't know for how long he sat there, holding Ezra while he allowed his thoughts to wander back towards his master, and he knew he wouldn't change anything given the chance.
He already found his home.
