On Both Sides of the Glass
Chapter Two
I fought in the old revolution
On the side of the ghost and the King.
Of course I was very young
And I thought that we were winning;
I can't pretend I still feel very much like singing
As they carry the bodies away.
Into this furnace I ask you now to venture,
You whom I cannot betray.
- The Old Revolution, Leonard Cohen
Shepard dreamed of Akuze. Her entire squadron wiped out before her, the harsh desert landscape completely unforgiving. Even though she had avenged the deaths of her squad, Rose was still unable to reconcile the day in her head. She had lost too much. It seemed to be a common theme in her life: losing. It didn't help that she'd put immense pressure on herself not to let anyone too close, that they'd eventually leave her. The countless individuals who littered the galaxy—a mass grave of however many millions—they stood to remind her in moments of reproach that she hadn't saved enough.
The self-reproach really needed to stop.
She had done everything she could've, in those moments where she had made her choices. Rose was full of doubt, full of self-loathing, full of survivor's guilt. It was guilt and self-loathing that ate at her now. The guilt that she hadn't managed to get through the Omega Relay sooner, save more of the Normandy's crew from the Collectors. The guilt that she hadn't been able to reach Thessia sooner, saved the assari planet—her biggest regret. She hadn't saved enough people when the Thorian had attacked—half the colony of Zhu's Hope had perished. Those thoughts were enough to weigh heavily on anyone.
Sometimes, Shepard wished she'd never joined the Alliance Navy—never set foot on Akuze. Yet she knew that if she hadn't done so, the man who slept with his arm securely around her waist wouldn't be there. His presence was reassuring, familiar, loving. Often she woke in the night, blood pounding in her veins. Her flashbacks were getting worse, coming frequently during the day, and there was no respite from them.
"Thresher Maw!" A squadmate shouted, aiming his gun squarely at the beast. He had just squeezed the trigger when the beast threw back its head. "Damn!" He shouted, ducking. The Thresher Maw spat at him, and then he was silent.
Never to speak again. Never to breathe again. He simply laid there, eyes vacant, skin peppered by acid. More deaths would come that day. When all was said and done, she stood alone, like some Alamo survivor. Burned, trembling—she stood defiant against the beast who had slaughtered her squad.
She knew it was a suicide mission. She wasn't supposed to survive the Thresher Maw—they'd sent her off to die on some far-flung planet. It was Gallipoli, it was the Somme, it was Fromelles—Culloden, even. It was every horrendous battle from the last three centuries—every unsalvageable situation any army had ever been in since time immemorial.
Still, Rose removed her helmet, took a deep breath. It was going to be fine—she would survive. Even knowing she would survive, it was still hard to reconcile the loss of fifty other people. Fifty. The number was hard to wrap her head around.
She woke up in an unfamiliar place, and her eyes adjusted in the dim light long enough for her to realise she was in a surgical ward of the Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel. The salarian doctors spoke in hushed, but manic tones. "Breathing normal, pupils dilated. Blood pressure 180 on 110. Too high. Too, too high." She felt light-headed, dizzy.
The next time she woke, she was not alone. The marine she had started dating before being shipped out to Akuze seemed to be standing nearby. He looked like he hadn't slept in days—the heavy stubble and bleary eyes gave it away. "Kaidan? I didn't expect you…"
Kaidan ran a hand over his stubble, and moved to grip Rose's hand. "I came as soon as I heard." His eyes were kind and compassionate. Rose smiled softly her arm snaking behind his neck, and brought his head down to hers.
"I had no idea it was a trap," she told him, "There were several Thresher Maws, and my entire squad…"
For a moment, Kaidan said nothing, and then he kissed her gently. "It wasn't your fault, Rose. You had no way of knowing."
Death had become a constant companion over the long years. She was still grappling with every life lost in the conflict—every death a personal insult that she could never forgive herself for. The lives of the Batarians she had ended weighed on her—sending the asteroid towards the Alpha Relay had been the only choice. The only choice that bought time. The choices she made loomed large in her post-painkiller fug—like things of evil, they taunted and haunted her waking and sleeping moments. There was no rest in her sleep, and no rest in her waking. The impossibility of every choice she had made weighed on her like the world on Atlas's shoulders.
For once, Shepard knew no moment where her choice could've been different. She sat upright, breathing hard. Careful not to wake Kaidan, who slept peacefully beside her, she slid out of bed. Walking to the small bathroom, she splashed water on her face, and stared at her reflection in the mirror above the sink.
The two blue eyes that looked back at her were startlingly blue. Her hair was deep red, but there were patches of scar tissue weaving its way through the tangled mess of her scalp. Long braids of hair, once pinned back into regulation standard buns, now fell loosely to her shoulders. Her skin, once so perfect and unblemished, now bore the marks of battle, of rebirth, and dying again and again. The woman whose eyes stared back at hers were those of a survivor. They had cried a million tears, had seen sights so horrific it was a wonder she slept at all. Her eyes.
She knew she would survive—Rose always survived—from the first moment to the last.
"Rose?" Kaidan's voice broke into her thoughts. She turned, and saw the man that had stood beside her at her absolute worst. "Are you okay?" Kaidan reached for her hand, taking it in his larger one.
Wordlessly, Rose turned to Kaidan, and leaned into his shoulder. Then the tears finally came. Tears she had been avoiding shedding for too long. Kaidan held her as she sobbed, knowing that words wouldn't ever be sufficient.
When she ceased to sob, many minutes later, Rose looked up at Kaidan—and saw understanding and empathy in his face.
If there was something Rose loved, it was the feeling of water on her back. It brought her peace, it brought her a temporary respite from the aches and pains of the day. She stood under the showerhead, letting the water fall around her. Just as it stopped the pain from the prosthetics and the implants, it brought a clarity to her thoughts. The world stopped needing to be saved- the galactic importance lessened. Everything was peaceful when she was in the shower. For one thing, Kaidan was there with her, his strong arms around her as they stood there together in solidarity. It was a feeling of contentment, a sure knowledge that no matter how dark things got, he would always be there for her.
Rose was glad for his company. Had always been glad. The world was a less frightening place. For she knew it was him who had pulled her through the horrors of Akuze, days after the Alliance had finally found her. A man who was as good as Kaidan came once every few centuries. He was the Aragorn to her Arwen.
"Do you remember when we met, Kaidan?" Rose asked, smiling. It was the first time she had smiled in days.
"You bumped into me in a nightclub," Kaidan replied, drawing Rose close to him, wanting to know he didn't hold a ghost. In his eyes, Rose had been fading every day, and he was lost as to how to help her. It went beyond the trauma of war, beyond the horror of what they had both seen on the battlefield and were powerless to stop it.
2177: Three months before Akuze.
The newly-promoted Operations Chief Rose Shepard took a sip of whatever alcohol her best friend and half-sister, Nellie had bought them. They were celebrating Rose's promotion on the Citadel, hitting the bars and nightclubs that would take them. Young and happy, vibrant Nellie was a pixie of a woman: short bright red hair and piercing blue eyes, hair styled impossibly high—her Irish features strikingly obvious. She tottered on heels too high, dress short and revealing her lithe form. Rose was dressed in a slightly more restrained fashion, with heels not quite as high, or dress quite as revealing, but still stunning.
Rose and Nellie had been together their entire lives. Their mothers were best friends who had married each other. Born on the same day about ten or so minutes apart in the hospital on the Citadel, Rose and Nellie had been inseparable since birth. The two girls were never far away from each other, and Hannah and Dorothea both knew that if one was there—the other would be, too. The only time the girls had been separated was when Rose had joined the Alliance as a Vanguard, and Nellie had gone into the medical corps.
Hannah and Dorothea hadn't always intended to both be pregnant at the same time, but because neither of them could make up their minds about which of them should be the gestational mother, they had come to the most logical solution. They would both have a child each. Choosing a donor had not been easy, but eventually, they picked, and nine months later, Hannah Shepard and Dorothea Nevell each held their bundle of pale orange.
"So Rose, where to next?" Nellie grinned at her best friend, and grabbed Rose's hand. "You only get promoted to Operations Chief once! Let's go to the Armax Arena…" Her grin was nothing short of infectious, and Rose found herself caught up in her friend's enthusiasm. "Or we could just stay here, and I can get hit on by gorgeous, glamourous assari!" Nellie, game as ever for an encounter with the beautiful blue-skinned women, giggled.
"Suit yourself, babe." Rose shrugged—Nellie was always seeing one assari or another. "I've got my eye on someone else." The man who she had been covertly eyeing was currently dancing very awkwardly with a turian. He was cute—that much was clear. The way he carried himself made Rose think he was Alliance military, just like she was. He seemed to radiate attractiveness, and Rose found herself moving towards him, unconsciously—as if magnetised.
Suddenly, she was face-to-face with him. She blushed, her face going as red as her namesake. "Shit. Sorry." She looked up at him—tall, dark and handsome. But there was something about him that seemed reassuring, like she had always known him.
"No, it's my fault," he said, carefully checking her over for any signs of his clumsiness. "I was heading to the bar, didn't check where I was walking, and apparently, walked right into someone." His face was kind, and Rose smiled.
"It's alright, I was the clumsy one." Glancing behind him, Rose could see Nellie shaking her head and mouthing something to her that she couldn't quite work out. She shot her sister a look, and turned back to the handsome young man. "I figure, since I was the one who bumped into you, it's only right that I introduce myself first." Rose gave him a warm, and hopefully, winning, smile. "I'm Rose."
"Well, Rose. I'm Kaidan." Kaidan said, "It's a pleasure to meet you."
In the weeks that followed, Rose found herself wandering the Normandy, each time trying to find those who should have been there. The empty cabins were silently reproaching her—she knew she had to find new crew members to replace the ones lost in battle.
Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch had settled back into her routine in the engine room, alongside the two former Cerberus engineers, Gabby and Kenneth, and Adams. Garrus Vakarian was still calibrating the Normandy's guns. James Vega had left to complete his N7 training. Rose wasn't sure if he'd return to the Normandy, but that was her hope. Liara had decided to remain, and so had most of her friends. Karin Chakwas had retired immediately after Rose had returned, and no amount of persuasion could've convinced her to change her mind. Specialist Traynor remained, keeping a close eye on the galaxy's communications. Joker, as ever, helmed the ship with a calmness that belied everything he had lost.
"We have an assignment for you, Shepard." Admiral Hackett's spectral image floated in the comms room.
Rose, grateful for any distraction, stood straighter as her commanding officer spoke. "Yes, sir," she responded.
"There's reports of pirates in the Terminus Systems. They call themselves Spectres, but there's no record of them among the archives. I want you to take your crew and head to their last known location. Specialist Traynor should have received the coordinates by now."
Rose felt her heart sink. So the Alliance was sending her back into action. Her jaw clenched at the thought of more battle, more lives that were depending on her being saved. "Aye, sir."
"You'll be joined by some of the galaxy's finest. They should be arriving on the Normandy within the hour," Admiral Hackett said, supressing a smile.
"The Normandy standing by and ready to receive." Rose felt her heart grow lighter at the thought of the galaxy's finest. So she wouldn't have to do this alone.
Within the hour, Rose heard the sound of the airlock opening, and she stood at the side, waiting. Kaidan stood next to her, holding her hand. Anxiety grappled with excitement, anticipation creating a big bundle of nervousness in the pit of her stomach. The people who stepped onto the Normandy would be friends, she hoped.
A small spitfire of a woman launched herself into Shepard's arms with a broad grin. "Hey sis. Miss me?"
Rose's face broke into the biggest grin as she hugged Nellie. "What the hell are you doing here, Nellie?" Rose asked, dumbfounded with joy.
Nellie released her sister with a grin. "Coming to see the galaxy you saved, duh. Also, this is my new assignment, given that Karin's retired." She glanced back towards the airlock, where Rose registered, with a slight degree of shock, the bevy of people behind Nellie.
There were three krogan behind Nellie. Rose's heart leapt at the thought that three of Clan Urdnot's greatest had come to join her once again. Grunt, Wrex and—if Rose's suspicions were right—Bakara. Behind the krogan, there was a drell, and a few salarians. The drell surprised her. And then there were the humans crowded behind everyone else, hanging back, as though hesitant that they'd be welcome.
"Commander Shepard." Rose disengaged from her sister, and hurried to Kolyat Krios.
"Kolyat? What are you doing here?" Surprise definitely had her dumbfounded. The last time she had seen the young drell had been at his father's memorial.
"I am settling my debt with you," he replied, and smiled. "My father and I found one another thanks to you. I owe you."
"Well, if that's what you want, Kolyat, welcome aboard." Rose's smile was genuine, and she stood aside to let the young drell pass her. "Your father's cabin is vacant, you'd be more than welcome there." Rose hadn't changed much about her ship when she'd finally gotten her back. The Normandy was her home, and the home of those who had once fought beside her.
"Hey Shepard, what about me?" Urdnot Wrex's voice broke into her thoughts. "Am I chopped salarian liver?" Rose turned to face the proud clan leader, noticing new scars where once there had been none. Yet he looked hale and hearty, and peace seemed to suit the krogan.
"Wrex," Rose smiled warmly, "Welcome back. Bakara, a million welcomes to you." Rose reached for her hand, and squeezed it with warmth. "You honour me with your presence."
"It is I who honours you, Commander," Bakara said, returning Rose's warm salutation. Grunt made sounds as if he wanted to interrupt, but Bakara shot the young krogan a look.
"Hey Grunt," Rose said with an amused tone, "You trying to sire half of Tuchanka like Wrex yet?"
"Not yet," Wrex broke in, "Hasn't found a female willing to mate with him—yet." Wrex guffawed, and Rose found herself feeling sad for Grunt.
After all that Grunt had done to save the Aralakh Company on Utukku, Rose wondered why the krogan women were reluctant to mate with the young krogan hero. Shaking her head mentally at herself, she moved forwards to meet the rest of the delegation.
The salarians hadn't exactly been happy when Mordin cured the Genophage. In fact, Dalatrass Linron had been outraged, sending an exceptionally irate message to Rose the day she had done so. Standing behind the salarians, Rose noticed the angular-shaped head of the last Prothean.
So Javik survived. What's he going to do now that he has nothing to go back to? Rose wondered at Javik's reappearance, but before she could voice her shock, Liara grabbed Javik, and pulled him away. "What?" It was the only thing she could say.
"We have unfinished business, Commander," Javik replied, his voice as old and ancient as the man himself. "We will talk some other time. Dr T'Soni requires my assistance." Rose stood there, feeling as though she had been slapped with a biotic charge, and struggled to understand why Javik was back aboard the Normandy. She had been so sure, given the last conversation that she'd had with him, that he was going back to the place where his squadron had fallen in the last Reaper War.
Nevertheless, she was happy that there were people aboard the Normandy that she could trust with her life. The small group of humans that crowded the airlock now stepped forwards. Some of them, Rose recognised instantly, the tall and imposing figure of Jacob Taylor, now cradling a bundle of cloth in his arms, his wife beside him. Rose was glad that Jacob had found peace, and that Brynn seemed good for him. Their little girl seemed healthy, from what tiny glimpse Rose had at the small bundle.
It seemed like everyone she had ever saved—or served with—had come. In the midst of the joyous reunions, Rose looked for Kaidan. She found him, standing beside her, hand in hers. "I'm glad you're here," she whispered to him, kissing his cheek. "I couldn't do this without you."
Introductions made, Rose was glad when she finally retired to her cabin that night. It seemed Steven Hackett had thought of everyone. It was like one massive party—a party she wanted more than ever to join in with, but felt she couldn't.
A growing sense of dread, like that she had experienced prior to launching a suicide mission, gnawed at her. If they're sending everyone, it means something big is going down. Something's not quite right…
She poured herself a glass of whisky, and downed it, letting the burn of the spirit fortify her for the moment. Kaidan, emerging from the bathroom with a towel draped around his waist, saw the wince. "Hey. It's all right," he told her, wrapping her in a warm hug that seemed to shield Rose from the worst of her demons. "We're not assaulting Omega tonight, or launching through the Omega Relay." His voice was warm, assuring. Rose leaned back against her man, and sighed.
He was right, but still, Rose felt cold.
