Authors Note: I do not own Pitch Perfect.I feel like it sometimes owns me if you know what i mean.
On the flight over you mull everything over, feeling oddly anxious. Two weeks had passed by in a blink of an eye, and in a few short hours you'll be seeing everyone, seeing Chloe.
You wonder why you never see them-you promised when you graduated you'd see each other every month, every week even, so what happened? You were supposed to be different...special. You wish you could go see them all the time-coop them up into a little room-just like practice at Bella rehearsals. The location didn't really matter, as long as they were all there.
This was a long flight though, you're actually tired of listening to or even just working on music-the impossible has happened. But you have left LA, and therefore everything work-related behind...you don't wanna think or even see another track mix till you get back-thank goodness you have a more than capable staff. You've left your company in the right hands.
"Becaw, becaw!-hey do you have some bubblegum my ears still won't pop" thankfully not his. Jesse had come along, you were the one who actually asked him suprise suprise...for moral support maybe? But you had certain terms for the whole trip one of them-He had to sit by the window seat, it's not that you don't like the view, it's that you don't want to have to cross over him every single time you need to go to the washroom. And he doesn't really have a problem with that.
Also that he can't interfere with anything Chloe-related, like at all. No playing matchmaker thinking he could get the team "bechloe" or whatever he called it, the perfect ending.
"Shh! Jesse, i need quiet here. Why i didn't leave you behind, i don't know." you say, while handing him some gum. If you'd have left him behind though, you have a feeling you wouldn't have a company to come home to.
"Because you love me"
"Which is unfortunate, cos that means i'm stuck with you"
"Aw aren't you a cute couple, how long have you been together" some elderly lady is beaming at the two of you from across the isle.
You had hoped to avoid this kind of thing...interaction with numerous people by getting a first class ticket, you refuse to fly on a private plane you weren't- still aren't confident that they are well safe, how can that small a plane withstand this amount of turbulence. Just thinking about the sort of plane crashes big planes get into makes you shudder to think of the damage there would be on a little plane .
"Ah no, this wonderful woman and i are friends, basically like siblings-but we dated once... so it's all quite incestuous when you think about it" The lady's expression changed so fast it was almost comical, looking so very sorry she had asked in the first place
Normally you'd be amused with Jesse's antics, but now that you've gotten planes crashes in your head the images, the fear, the apprehension refuses to go away along with everything that has been happening; the upcoming wedding, seeing everyone you knew in college all at the same time, more importantly seeing Chloe again-the girl who has starred in your dreams and many fantasies far longer than you cared to admit, is finally getting to you. Please God no you are actually psyching yourself out here, it feels like some mild panic attack...your head is throbbing ...the noises all around becoming louder obtrusive
"Jesse please-shut it!" you manage to get out, trying to slow down your breaths
"jeez what's your problem? his tone annoyed, but he takes one glance at your expression and he turns worried."What's wrong-hey look at me... you're so pale, Becs."
"Nothing-it's just i was thinking of everyone-of Chloe and then completely unrelated... i was also thinking of being on a smaller plane and just flying you know, and then i got to thinking about turbulence-and then planes crashing...and i feel like I'm a little plane-that little plane experiencing turbulence...and i know, I've always known that this wasn't going to end well, but i still let it happen... and i can't blame anyone else when i crash and burn... and now i'm sort of panicking...i think"
"Someone can someone help, medic-is there a doctor?" he runs to the galley when the flight attendants, obviously newbs, freeze up. You want to hit him 'round the head, you feel like he's enjoying this a bit much, a scene straight out of one of the medicine related tv drama shows that he really likes the soundtrack to... and worse... each and everyone of the passenger's attention are now on you.
"Is there a problem ma'am, how can we assist you...I'm Claire" A more senior blonde flight attendant comes up, okay now that's reassuring
"I dunno, what's happening" your voice sounds broken, sounding more like gasps than actual words.
"She's Tachycardic,she feels nauseous " okay you gotta hand it to him he knows his stuff "-and she was saying stuff about-" Jesse glances around cautiously before whispering, "plane crashes"
"She's having a panic attack...breathe-deeply for me, can you do that Miss...?" Her green eyes are searching yours- her face, her voice is the only thing you focus on right now. She's about your mother's age and of similar build; not too short but not very tall either- the way she talks to you is in a tone of motherly concern. It calms you, a soothing balm.
"Her name's Beca...Beca Mitchell" Jesse supplies making room for the blonde lady.
"Okay, follow me breathe in-breathe out, So Beca what brings you to Australia" her twang adapting the Australian accent very well
"I'll take it from here." She says to everyone standing idly by, momentarily taking Jesse's seat while Jesse takes the opportunity to stretch his legs and probably flirt with the flight attendants-one a red head catches your eye.
You get a sense of de ja vu- a momentary blast from the past..the Barden Bellas traditional uniform always had resembled a flight attendant's...you can't believe you had to wear one of those, but they really did look nice if you were into the whole unifrom thing, well on Chloe it had looked really nice.
Breathe in... breathe out. You can do this.
You feel your heart finally slow down, and your mind now only resembling a mild panic- you manage a response,"My friend from College she lives there-she wanted all her girlfriends around for all her wedding preparations"
"And are you looking forward to this reunion?"
"Yes, of course i do. I really really miss them but.." breathe in... breathe out
"But?"
"Nothing i guess, it's been 5 years since I've been with everyone, this one person in particular was sorta my best friend-but we lost touch completely...and now i don't really know what happened, what to say to her if and when i finally see her again...it feels a bit much-I'm sort of a little overwhelmed, i guess." You've never felt this comfortable spilling the beans to a complete stranger-maybe this was what having a confession felt like. You see why it might feel good getting everything off your chest, you feel like this lady who is not a priest, won't judge you... something about her warm wise eyes.
She reminds you of somebody, you can't quite your finger on it. But she's smiling at you as she takes your hand in hers, it's a reassuring gesture.
"Sometimes it's scary seeing the people you love after so many years of being apart, maybe because you're scared that you're both a little different and therefore everything else is different now-but at heart you still remain the same-strong close bonds withstand all kinds of trials over time...you say you were close with this girl..."
"Uh yeah, her name was Chloe."
"I bet you both have good reasons as to why you lost touch, but don't focus on that...focus on the now, just start off from where you let off. Don't jump ship before it even docks-what i'm saying is... let everything play out...what'll happen will happen good or bad but take it in stride, you know-and just try not to worry too much"
"Makes sense...hey i actually...feel completely better now"
"Good to know-"here she pats your hand "well i have some cabin checks to do so...just sit here and relax... i'll have them bring you some chamomile Beca"
"Hey-" Jesse says sliding back into his seat, oh so casually slipping his phone-presumably with a new number on it-into his pocket what's up, you better? I've never seen anyone have a panic attack up close before"
"Glad i could provide that once-in-a-lifetime experience for you..." he raises his left eyebrow at you "yeah i'm better"
"Yeah, thank goodness,you're back to your usual bitter old self" you hate how your sarcasm is starting to rub off on him
"Young man this little lady has to rest now, so you don't go all working her up, you here?" the old lady from before says, admonishing.
Jesse mumbles out an apology and turns to resume staring out the window.
" Here you go -" one of the flight attendants sets your tea down.."Miss Mitchell here's your chamomile tea."
"Hmm"you say as you polish it off quickly. That was good you think, you really really needed that. You set down the cup.
At this particular moment, you truly feel drained- feel rest claiming you, and so you finally surrender to that oh so peaceful slumber. You haven't been able to sleep for a few days now, being so stressed-much less had the chance to dream.
But one particular dream comes up, you are not sure but it feels like a memory it's just some details are different but you go with it.
"Chloe-hey what're you doing here at this time?" She's clearly drunk, maybe she got lost on her way back to her and Aubrey's. Not likely though, there's is in the complete opposite way of yours.
"Beca"-slurs Chloe as she stumbles into Beca's apartment
"Oookay, um come in of course let yourself feel at home-here let me hang this"- you say, as you take the pieces of clothing Chloe has started to throw off; her coat,her ski cap, while bending down to pick up her scarf. "-okay woah wait i'll get you a blanket and um adjust the heat wait-" you say as you realize she isn't stopping with her stripping.
Do not stare you think to yourself, but you manage some control to a certain point, only taking a single peek- albeit it was a long deliberate one...taking note of Chloe in just an undershirt and cycling shorts , damn no underwear viewing for you tonight. But double damn Chloe always manages to look gorgeous-you thought it was just you but here she is in the most comfortable outfit-not at all meant to be sexy...still looking...fine mighty fine. (okay perv enough with the ogling)
Beca turns to hang the coat on the rack-and you realize something feels off ...that it's quiet...too quiet you jump when you turn around to find Chloe just inches from you- could practically feel her breath on your lips, staring at you with her intense blue eyes out from under her lashes"-okay Chloe, Chlo...woah what're you doing?"
"looking at you...you're really pretty, you know that Beca? And- I like you, you know? I really really like you"
All you can say is "Okay..."
This dream allowed you to reflect on past events,
And this particular memory was the time you were already having something with Jesse-you stumble over a reply, what to say-what do you come up with to something like that? Was it a confession, a confirmation-an answer to a secret, hidden plea? You're so confused. You thought that Jesse had- no matter how momentarily, taken hold of your reigns and transferred your attention that had almost been like blinders only focused on Chloe and nudged you to move another direction, not necessarily your preferred one-but it was different and he was good for you. He had actual, obvious, real feelings for you. But then...here was Chloe saying the most simple thing, that she liked you. It could mean so many things, you could finish that sentence differently each time just so everything would be clearer for you-out in the open. I...
like you as a friend.
like you as more than a friend.
like you, might even love you.
but all she says is that, that she likes you and now you guess she used to like you.
And you hate it but it gives you hope. her actions her leaning so close to you- confirm that maybe she is interested...but you also know that she's drunk, Chloe sober was uber affectionate, drunk Chloe was the same only much worse...her touchiness amped up to the next level. You let her wrap her arms around your waist gathering you to her-she's staring at you with her tipsy affectionate smile, almost waiting for you to do something, anything. But you can't stand the thought of her dismissing it as some drunken ordeal when she wakes up the next day. SO instead of kissing her-like you obviously want too, you tell her she needs sleep you move her to your bed. She asks you to hold her-and you comply...you take note of how you fit together so well, how good it feels to almost feel like she's yours-and you do get to give her one little kiss...on her forehead.
And you know that's what ultimately lead to ultimate heartbreak cos after that she didn't remember that night-and so you were the one left with having to deal with all the confusion, the torn-up twistedness of it all.
You realize why you avoided them all together you had that one reason...it had plagued you all thru ought college and it took a while to move on even after, and not even successfully at that. Chloe just can't give you a break, can she?
You've never been pushy with anything in your life, sure you were willful and defiant but surprisingly when it came to the personal stuff you were actually a pushover. You run, you back-off whenever you are faced with things that require you to be assertive. Maybe if you had been, if you were, you'd gotten all the things that you really wanted, that really mattered; your parents staying together, moving to L.A earlier, and not feel like everything good is passing you by-like Chloe, maybe if you had had the courage and had come right out and said something at one point during your "relationship" than maybe just maybe...
But its a delicate thing you never want to come off all wrong, the fear of rejection is too strong-and there was always too much too loose with her, she's your friend your whole group is this small community who know things no matter how insignificant about each other- so maybe it had hurt staying away or even holding yourself back because you can't remember wanting something wishing for , pining for someone this long, and yet after all these years you keep silent... why?
all the What If's are just killing you. But you don't ask, you don't push-you let things be. You don't want these moments to be awkward you want to seem like everything's normal that you haven't been secretly crushing, fantasizing about someone who may or may not reciprocate your feelings.
You wish you went back to the sexy dreams, you'd been having. This dream was closer to reality and therefore more cruel.
"Beca, beca beca-" you hate being shaken awake, but apparently Jesse still hasn't clued in on that.
"What?"
"Nothing, just checking to see if you were still breathing..."
"okay...Jesse," you groan not quite awake "-are you that bored?"
"Oh was i interrupting another Chloe dream?" your eyes shoot straight open-you hope you weren't talking aloud in your sleep.
"it's not what you think-" he's waggling his eyebrows not taking you seriously "i was remembering something...it doesn't matter can i go back to sleep now or do you need to check that my heart's still beating?"
"Won't mind if i do-"as he stretches his hand towards your cleavage-and you slap his hand away "Ass, those are off-limits"
"Was kiddin, i think...don't worry i know Chloe owns those-" you silence him with a look that sorta resembles that of your mother's whenever you misbehaved, a warning...some parts utmost annoyance, frustration and at the-end-of-her rope-ness... you think he finally finally gets it.
You rummage for your earplugs from your belongings and turn in your seat trying to get a comfortable position-preferably one that doesn't give you a view of Jesse.
This time you dream of a different ending to your dream earlier. You almost get to rewrite your past-as one where you had had the courage where you had come out and told her and most especially showed her how you felt that one time... how you feel all the time, and in that dream everything works out and you are rewarded with the sexy time you were craving earlier.
If only those kinds of dreams came true for you. If only these dreams weren't just meant for sleeping.
Authors Note: So what do you guys think so far? I'll continue posting as often as i can, but i'd like to know if you like the direction the story is going.
Coming Up: Barden Bellas in Australia!
