Author's Note: It's been a while I know...I fell into a rut...and I only just got out of it...this chapter has been sitting on my laptop for several months-ready but not quite ready...going through numerous writes, re-writes and edits...nothing I did seemed to fit or make it come together exactly the way I wanted it to...So finally this chapter is one of many ways, many scenarios that I envisioned the chapter going...the only parts that remained unchanged throughout the whole process was the beginning and the end part. I hope somehow you can appreciate it...it's quite the mess as it is largely un-beta'd. But I hope this'll help the ones who felt like I'd abandoned this story of mine...I haven't...most of the time with this, Never Know and all the other stories I have that I'm truly invested in it takes me a while to be truly satisfied with my end work...Well anyway I've said too much already. Just read and if you like it or something you could review...and if you don't like it, you can still review. O-kay buh-bye.
You know how it feels to be with the person you love, but not actually be with them...
That you're so close, but there's this little boundary in the way. Well for you it's actually this huge boundary...No, several boundaries of things in your way...Once upon a time it was just your little insecurities, your fear of rejection, but now... there's Jesse, there's Luke and on top of it all there's also- an Aubrey.
You guess you have to explain that part, how it got even more complicated.
Well, it all came back to that night two days ago... after your great big accident...
"You wanted to tell me something Beca?" Chloe asks, and as always...one look into those eyes (all warm and patient, so darn loving and concerned) could turn you into such a blundering mess...which was not helping or any way ideal in the given situation.
"About that...what I mean-meant to say... what I'm trying to say exactly is that...well the thing is..." you ramble, why was it so hard to say when you were wide awake. She smiles encouragingly,
"Hey c'mon...It's me...that redhead who used to break down all your walls...I still can- you better tell me now, I'll find out sooner or later." she says in her teasing little tone, such a contrast to it being such a big, monumental situation. She has no idea what you're about to say, and that alone-the idea that everything could change in the next few seconds... nudges you closer and closer to breaking out into full-freak out mode.
"It'll sound stupid...no it really sucks it's...messed up-arg- I dunno what's wrong with me!" you say, your voice raised-a single burst of frustration.
You weren't even sure if the change would favor you, or if it'd send Chloe screaming running away..
And then an even scarier thought; that everything, all of this had all been in your head-that they were just that dreams...dreams that you'd misinterpreted, over dramatized that were really simple moments between friends.
Oh God Stop.
Just stop psyching yourself out...
"Hey," she says her expression turning serious, sympathetic to your plight-whatever it was- ready to be supportive, and accepting. Her hands frame your face, cupping your cheeks, forcing you to to calm down to meet her eyes, to face them-her dead-on.
"You can tell me anything. I won't think any less of you..." she says slow and deliberate... and you think that's what does it...also maybe her eyes promising so much; acceptance, a sense of calm- a safe haven-it's what makes you feel like taking the leap, like being totally honest.
"I'm not in love with Jesse..." you get out quickly before you can think to hold it back any longer.
Your heart's beating so hard...the heart monitor's giving you away...
"Oh...that's...that's huge." she comments lightly, you wait a beat of a second and then...nothing...
She does absolutely nothing after... There was such a build-up to this moment..and then this happens, this being...nothing at all.
You don't know what you're expecting; your eyebrows come together, wasn't she supposed to be happy, shouldn't she be jumping up exclaiming, professing her undying love for you...or perhaps, just jumping you by now?
"Did you...um..come to this conclusion just during the trip or..." she then asks.
Okay maybe you had to like fight for it or something-Maybe she was making you work for it...maybe she needed more. More information, or some encouragement perhaps?
You close your eyes...and brace yourself-you've said part of it, might us well follow-through.
"No I've...there's someone else alright...the trip well it's made me...remember, it brought back...ya'know some deep-seated feelings that I've been squashing down all this time," you can feel your mouth moving, and yet you're feeling like you have no control over what you're saying-like you're separate from the moment and what's happening "And it's come back full force since-since I first saw this girl again...it's been maddening, and just so crazy but she makes me so crazy sometimes you know...she gets me all riled up but in a good way...if you get what I'm saying?"
Still you can't say it-her, Chloe's name- outright, the nerves are getting to you once again.
She stops and the air stands still-as you see the weight of the words registering, before she slowly turns to you, reading your face..."So...you like girls? You're bi?"
You nod emphatically, "Yes..."
And she smiles wide, and you almost faint in relief, Okay this is good, she's smiling...so it's good right?
"So is there anyone in particular who you like-who you liked," she asks, then growing excited... "wait she's here right now?"
"Uh yeah..." you get out, It's you, you think, seriously why is Chloe acting all oblivious. For each second that passes you keep expecting Chloe to come out and say she was just playing around, for her to just do something. You can feel your heart dropping, it being squeezed a little (feeling more than a little put out) because your speech hadn't evoked any of the good reactions you had been expecting.
"Lemme guess who...you don't have to say anything just like nod or...Hmm Lily..."
"Ashley"
"Denise, Jessica..." you shake your head for every guess she makes, (each more forceful and impatient than the last)
"Stacie, No? I was so sure..." she says, snapping her fingers "-not Cynthia or Amy...so that only leaves..." you hold your breath,
"Aubrey, you like Aubrey!?"
It takes several seconds for you to pick your mouth off of the floor...
what the actual...
"Oh my god! It totally makes sense, all this time... all the teasing, all that underlying sexual tension...And Aubrey was jealous of Jesse and you...and that's why she took it out on you...No wonder you guys couldn't keep your hands of each other...wow that's kinda crazy hot..."
Your eyes are totally bulging out of your head by now,
"No, no you've got it all wrong..." you spit out, but Chloe seems to have made up her mind to not listen to you any longer.
"It's okay...I totally see why you would dig Aubrey...complete opposites the pair of you..."
"Chloe-no shut up please, and listen to what you're saying me and Aubrey...Aubrey-that alone should make you pause and start laughing. We hate each other..." you stress, Chloe smiles knowingly at you and it's so freaking frustrating...
"You're passionate about each other, the same passion that flows through hating one another can so easily be transferred into loving one another...also wow! think of how exciting your sex life will be...all those fights and ... the make-up sex after...hmm" Her voice turns husky, she bites her lip, a low humming sound escapes from the back of her throat as she ponders away...she is so sexy. Argh wait. You have to fix this-concentrate Mitchell, get your head in the game. You inwardly give yourself a strong shake, a mental slap to concentrate.
"Okay, please stop..." She grins saucily. Seriously stop being so hot, I may just jump you right now. You edit yourself and instead say, "You're not only scaring me you're slowly scarring me for life..." She then finally takes a second to take in your outward expression-your face all frozen, your eyes wide and confused...your mouth twisted up in disgust...but then ignores it and prattles on unaffectedly.
"C'mon don't tell me you've never thought about Aubrey in that way before...I mean look at her she's statuesque and really fit, plus she's good in the sack I would know...Hey, if you're up for it...I could totally convince her to have a three-some? Would you be up for it...a little triple treble..."
You think your brain sorta fried after, information overload...so much happening...I mean like...Whut?
"You would know-you've... with... Aubrey...threesome, wait with who do you mean?" you get out as best you can.
"Me silly..." she says smirking at you, stepping impossibly close..."It's way too hot picturing the both of you...I want in on that." You're not sure if you know where this is going, if you actually liked it or not...but she's trailing her hand lower before quickly and unabashedly cupping your breast..."Uh..." you half gasp half moan,
"Don't you want that Babe...Me and You. You and me. Right here right now." You nod, slowly biting your lip as she continues her ministrations her movements her touches becoming firmer rougher, her lips skate across your cheek before she moves to your neck as she continues whispering, trailing her words wrapped up in little kisses "You're so hot. I've wanted you-and this for a while now." spreading the tingles up and down your skin... then her hot breath's by your ear," But I can't be selfish now can I...You know what would make this even hotter..." she pulls away slightly, but her face is till close enough you gasp when her dark eyes meet yours, your heart's at a standstill without you meaning it to-urgently awaiting and willing to agree with just about anything she would do or say right now. "You're forgetting that there are three of us hot girls, you've got two to play with-unless I could give you guys some alone time first, if that's what you'd like?"
You don't get to respond before the most horrifying thing happens; Chloe morphs into Aubrey and for pete's sake...you're suddenly naked now and so is she...you scramble, trying in vain to shield your body from your ex-Bella Captain's boldly appraising eyes.
"C'mon Beca let's work out this unresolved tension between us...I think I have the best way to do that..." she purrs and before you know it she pushes you so that you're on your back and she's pinning you with superhuman strength and Aubrey's leaning down, disappearing between your legs...and you realize you can't move can't even lift your hands or move your legs...all you can do is scream...
"Arggghhhh!I don't want Aubrey!"
"Arggghhhh! I don't want Aubrey!" the scream's not as loud-and reverberating as in the dream but still it's loud enough to jolt everyone in the room...
"Jeez fine I'll come back to check on you guys later." Aubrey says but you see the unmistakable smirk on her face.
It's freaky what had just happened...What was going on, was that-a dream...but you had no warning this time. It was such a seamless transition-but it's like things had been reset;you remember, Aubrey had just left and now apparently she had just come back...what had happened in between when you thought you had been conscious. Your eyes track the room quickly-Chloe's back(herself again) and Aubrey is now by the doorway (fully clothed thank goodness).
You're still having a mini panic attack but it's all internal...Oh god...at this rate, with all the stress and damage both physical and emotional and mental that the on going events inflicted it would book you a permanent stay at this area of Fat Amy's place during the entirety of the trip.
"Hey Beca, what's wrong-are you feeling alright?" Chloe says picking up on your state of distress.
You nod then shrug in a 'why wouldn't I be okay' manner.
"It's just that your face won't quite move past looking severely traumatized." Aubrey comments.
You shrug again. You can't quite look them in the eye.
You feel the two of them continue to stare at you as the silence stretches on-you take a peek Chloe's gaze becoming slightly more intensely worried...while Aubrey's was more intensely curious.
How do you explain away a situation when you yourself weren't sure what exactly had transpired,
"Sorry 'bout that um-Aubrey could you please just...give us some more time alone? I wasn't uh-we weren't quite done talking and all that jazz." you find yourself saying, better get rid of Aubrey first...you had to ask Chloe alone...
Your request seems to clears things up for Aubrey,"No prob, I totally understand." she says in reply, sending a conspiratorial wink your way.
"What was that about?"Chloe asks smiling slightly, looking amused, her eyes darting between yours and the spot where Aubrey had been.
"Yeah her apology really bought me over..." you say,
"That's good. So I can look forward to some actual peace and quiet during the rest of the trip." she teases,
"You bet." you say quickly, wanting to skip the niceties, keen to sticking on the subject, trying a smile before you decide to ask Chloe...
"Wait, a minute... what happened? It's really weird...I thought we were talking...weren't we just talking- and then next thing I know... I'm waking up-screaming..." Chloe's bright eyes dim a bit-she looks scared... nervous somehow.
"Well, honestly I don't know what happened. I asked you what you wanted to tell me and you-ah sort of passed out for a moment there-" you hear the worry in her voice now. Was it weird to feel both cold and warm inside because of it?
"How long was I out?"
Okay you had been wishing for a way out but to start passing out and going into dreamland at random times without you knowing or having control over it was-well, it was kinda freaky. This thing was really starting to mess with you...how you could barely tell when you were dreaming or awake anymore.
"Almost half an hour...but how's your head now? You feeling lightheaded?" her tone turns anxious.
"I just-it's fine, I'm fine- I'm better, just glad that you're still here."
"Where else would I be?" she says the smile back in her face again, but then a shadow of doubt replaces it, "Unless you want me to call in Jesse..." she trails off, and you still yourself from saying an outright NO "He came by a while ago but I uh-asked him if it was okay-that I wanted to stay here with you. He said it was...but if you want him I'll go-"
"No!" you wince at how loud the 'No' finally sounded coming out, how obvious you were being "-that's alright. I see him all the time." you say far more calm, trying to make everything seem funnier, lighter.
Chloe does give a little laugh, her eyes regaining that little twinkle but she still something in her face, her expression pushes you to ask. "So I'm curious...Did I-do anything or say anything or just make weird noises when I was you know... passed out?"
Chloe face is all red for some reason, Oh god you hope you didn't do or say anything embarrassing.
"Well your eyes where twitching behind your lids, and your breaths were rather uneven. You were groaning a bit and making little noises..." It's your turn to turn red-faced now. "-until you started shouting" she finishes, sounding hesitant, she looks away, but then she clears her throat "Why-where you having a bad dream, was the Big Bad Aubrey trying to eat you up?"
You shudder, or more like cringe violently with a dream like that who could blame you..You thought seeing Jesse in these dreams of yours was bad, but Aubrey...
Why god-WHY?
"I wonder what it means...do you recall the other details in the dream..."
"Uh nothing big...just the usual...I was trying to have a heart to heart talk with someone and then Aubrey showed up to ruin the day..." you say dryly, and Chloe laughs, rolling her eyes lightly in response.
"But you guys are fine now right?" she says after she recovers. You're hesitant to answer. Yeah... for the time being.
That would only last until Aubrey found out that you had managed to-no matter how unintentionally- bowed out of telling Chloe yet again...
You remember Aubrey's threat, how serious she'd sounded. You know her, she wouldn't let you get away with it...she would tell Chloe the moment she realized you hadn't.
Quick you had to tell her now! You still had a couple of minutes alone with Chloe it's not like anyone else would pop up to spoil what you had to say before Aubrey said it first...
"Chloe about that, what I wanted to say is that..."
"Beca, hey...here I brought you something to eat." Fat Amy says popping up at exactly the wrong time proving you wrong...followed by Stacie and Cynthia Rose."Also..if you guys don't mind I want to discuss my ideas for my Bridal Shower...and oh yeah..more importantly who the maid of honor is gonna be..."
"So we did a vote out there-and we all ended up with the same name." Stacie continues for her.
"Who?" "Jinx!""You owe me a soda..."Chloe and you chorus, the two of you exchange bright smiles, you laugh as she sticks out her tongue but then throws in a little wink to soften it.
"You guys about done?" Fat Amy questions brusquely suddenly all business. You clear your throat and you both straighten up, pull away not realizing your heads had gravitated closer and closer to each others. Chloe takes your hand and begins to play with it-slowly tracing patterns into your palm.
You're trying to ignore the tickly swooping feeling traveling all thru ought your body starting from your palm and ending somewhere in your stomach "Wait-It's final?" You ask once you get a hold of yourself.
"Well you being the last two members of the council can still cast your votes to be fair-but It won't make a dent just in case your answers differ from ours." Cynthia Rose answers calmly.
"Yeah the tribe has spoken, this lucky girl is the one offered up to be my bitch." Fat Amy says, before launching into full Bridezilla mode keen in informing everyone who was out of the loop, ie you and Chloe, of the plans...
"So I guess it'll have to wait for another day huh?" Chloe whispers under her breath, squeezing your hand one more time before she lets go. And you sigh and lay back down, tiredly passing your hand over your face.
When were you ever going to catch a break.
Another day turned into several more...
You're sitting there amidst all the wrapping paper; it was finally Fat Amy's bridal shower. It seemed like it had taken so long to get to this point what with all the-fights, mock fights, concussions going round on the first two days.
Thankfully everyone finally got it all together and decided to axe the whole Maid of Honor competition(since the whole You VS Aubrey had ended so bad) and well everyone just decided to vote on it-everyone said they voted on it but in reality, It was actually a planned, rigged decision.
The results- It was a landslide, the much-coveted role was given to Aubrey as her punishment...hardy har har-which she surprisingly accepted with grace...Well you're sure she does feel bad, and is repentant and all that but you think Fat Amy whispering "I never knew Punishment would entail you having your own personal maids at your beck and call ready to give a complete spa experience..." helped a bit-you mean a lot.
Aubrey had yet to move out though...Amy insisted that she needed a couple of days before the room (which she had especially fixed to cater to Aubrey's needs/preferences alone) would be ready. An event that you couldn't help looking forward to; that can't come soon enough.
"I don't know if I should present my present next...Someone from the family should go first..." Aubrey offers, her voice just loud enough to pierce through your inner musings but soon after fades back as background noise but Fat Amy's other bridesmaids and female relatives refuse lightheartedly, urging you girls first.
Where were you, Ah yes. You and Chloe in one room, without any third parties...that was your kind of room. You'd even joined her's and Aubrey's beds in preparation and when the time came you'd be sleeping and doing all the activities together side by side, back to back... her on top or you-you weren't picky.
You really should get your mind out of the gutter-your dirty, dirty mind out of that bed away from that room and away from Chloe. But seriously you can't seem to stop your mind from going there no matter how hard you tried. You were practically counting down the milliseconds till that happened. You don't really know what would happen-could happen. You want something to happen of course, but the situation you were in wouldn't allow it. And yet there was no escaping it-the situation as it would just be you and her alone, you would have to practice even more restraint-if that were possible- with Chloe. The dreams weren't helping at all leaving you all worked up. You're wound up so tight you are wondering how you don't just spontaneously combust at any given moment with every excessive contact there was between you and Chloe. And of course there were many. Chloe seemed set to kill you-if you could die from an overdose of Chloe Beale physical affection.
For the last two days Chloe has been upping the ante-was it possible to become even more affectionate over time...with Chloe, yes. Her hands would linger, they seemed to grow just a bit bolder. She was wholly comfortable her touches dished out with very little hesitation- but her touches were mere standard Chloe Beale playful touches;her hand would pinch your ass, alternating with the standard playful tap...she'd venture into your personal space-get up close to you but she'd never go further. She never took it to another level-what were you expecting for her to do, start full on groping you?
Yes, it'd make everything easy for you you can't help thinking, If she did there wouldn't have to be all those awkward explanations...she would just know by how you'd respond to her ministrations, and how she'll respond to yours, simple, natural, physical actions speaking louder than words like in you dreams... of course you'd reveal how you really felt afterwards and maybe all the rest of it, the lies, the people you dragged into it to finally get to that place... wouldn't matter.
"Okay from the Bridesmaids then...the Bella girls who wants to go first." Aubrey's suddenly right there standing, towering over you. You tune back guiltily, trying to look as though you had an idea what was going on, Aubrey's frowning but she's not angry, she's not even looking at you in fact, she's fixated on something else her own gigantic wrapped box. Okay presents it was time to pick one or present one for Amy to open. You shake you head so it feels like you're coming to-lost in your fantasies for a moment there...oh presents um no... you didn't really feel like presenting yours either...a mix...you had compiled both Benji's and Amy's voices singing each others favorite songs into one amazing mash-up if you say so yourself that you'd only just finished the night before...(it hadn't counted as work, you thoroughly enjoyed doing it)
"Beca?"
"I think the maid of honor should go first..." you quickly say, turns out it was the right thing to say as she beams brightly. "Aw, you think? I was going to but I wasn't sure..." You open your mouth to take it back and offer someone else as an alternative but then Aubrey's speaking over you, "I couldn't..." she says,
"No, I insist-" you say politely,
"Fine then." she grumbles but smiles. Huh You knew she wanted to be next...you happen to know Aubrey got Fat Amy something amazing-and she'd been jumping for Fat Amy to see it first. See you're already so in tune-so used to her whole reverse-psychology thing and this time you just let her. It wasn't such a big deal.
These past few days in general you were or had been sorta kinda sucking up and playing nice with Aubrey...not that you had anything to be worried about...but it couldn't hurt trying to stay in her good graces for as long as you can...though it was a just in case thing,
Because the situation-it was borderline shit-potentialy-hitting-the-fan-ness. Everything's had this underlying feeling, this crackle an undercurrent of change-a huge change making things seem a little more chaotic-something you weren't even sure was possible, but it was, except everything's a little more under wraps...you were pretty much the only one who was aware of the "real" situation, so you were left shouldering the stress of everything...
Chloe's smiling at the two of you, happy that you two had made up, but she doesn't know why Aubrey had taken to watching the two of you more closely, popping up unexpectedly in the middle of your little moments while Jesse as well as the other people in the house are completely out of the loop. You're fairly confident that Aubrey still hadn't figured out that you hadn't spilled your heart out to Chloe yet she had thankfully been more than a little distracted with the whole Maid of Honor tasks just enough to not notice that one particular detail.
Which was good as she had other more important, vital details she had to facilitate, that she had to keep in mind. And so far she was doing a great job...this was truly a work of art...Aubrey had facilitated all of this in mere hours...
Everyone had pitched in with the whole preparation of course, helped when they could but it was Bree who had worked her magic to be able to pull of a complete Memoir of a Geisha themed Bridal shower-don't ask...it turns out Fat Amy really loved that movie.
So all the family members and guests were around the pool-now transformed, with lanterns, blossoms, floating candles galore dressed in traditional Kimonos. (There had been a Geisha Makeover at the start of the day where everyone made their own costumes from any kind of fabric that they had on them or from around the house.)
Earlier in the day...
You were in this flowery silk robe(Chloe's obviously-she had one to spare. You don't do flowers...or anything really really pink or remotely girly...you were happy to stick with your go-to plaid shirts in different shades of blue) with a red sash tied around your waist, wearing socks with slippers. Chloe had even done your make-up; the white, white palette, the little red lips and the dark mascara and the darkened brows. Your hair was in a loose bun-with chopsticks pushed through it-and several little beads hanging here and there.
You had taken one look at the mirror and snorted, "I look like...I don't even wanna say what I look like-" Words like clown, weirdo, someone really stupid-looking are the tamest of the tamest words that come to mind.
"Hey, you're insulting my work..."
"I am not." you look to Chloe whose eyebrows are raised. "I- am insulting...the face underneath it, the one that even with your skills couldn't carry something like this off..."
You were of course, comparing yourself to Chloe who still managed to look cute...like you'd expect anything less. Definitely the first and the hottest red-head geisha.
"Well I happen to think you make a real charming geisha-I'd totally want you to pour tea for me and entertain me..."
"Yeah...I'm sure this whole event will be filled with a lot of entertaining moments..." you drawl, but Chloe doesn't let your tone put a damper on her excitement, she actually beams at you...
"That's the spirit! I heard there'll be fan design content and Traditional Japanese dances that we'll get to learn together...also we have those fat sumo suits to play with. It's gonna be aca-awesome."
She starts laughing at the expression on your face, the are-you-freaking-serious face you used often, "and" she continues, "there's like some spoken Haiku performance thing that we all have to do-"
"What we'll like recite famous Haiku's or something?"
"No, come up with our own, it's the A.A's (Amy and Aubrey's) orders...and you don't wanna know what they threatened to do if anyone dared to not comply"
Oh god you're already starting to dislike the idea of the two of them being extra demanding and forceful...together. Two days and you're regretting the whole pair-up already. It's the worst combination, Fat Amy with her being the bride, and crazy requests and with Aubrey to completely back her up.
"aca-fucking-kill-me."
"Aw-don't hate, It'll be fun promise." Chloe rushes to you and actually pinches your cheeks before she starts leaning in ever so slowly-your heart's working itself up, speeding up in contrast... before she's laying one on you... a simple kiss to your nose.
It takes everything within you not to sigh-to make any sound of disappointment-, because she'd been doing this a lot-kissing you every which where...whenever she felt like it, and her eyes have to do that thing locking in on yours so intensely, leaving you breathless but then she goes and kisses you on your cheek, or your forehead and this time your nose...and each time never fails to turn you to an almost frustrated mess...what's stopping her (uh I don't know perhaps your having a boyfriend) you aren't complaining but really, she seemed to be missing the part you wanted to be kissed on the most...well, on your face at least.
"Okay-we are both ready... are you ready to go to Japan?" she says once she pulls back beaming sweetly at you.
You just nod, still feeling a little dazed, (your heart has yet to slow down) taking her hand as she pulls you to follow her to where all the rest of the girls are-Fat Amy's room...standing around putting the last touches on Cynthia Rose.
When they're done the rest of the girls file out.
"Kill me." Cynthia Rose mutters, and you smile at her echoing what you had said earlier...the two of you meet eyes in the mirror,
"Tell me. How bad is it? she asks,
Well the whole Geisha thing wasn't for everyone...you think the ones who could pull it off would either have to be really gorgeous or just really comfortable in their own skin. Stacie was one you don't know how she did it but she managed to make a very well put together-flattering- revealing geisha outfit, you concede she looked pretty darn hot...Aubrey's was so typically her, neat and anal-retentive...intricate trying to be as accurate as possible, and Chloe was you know, Chloe 'nuff said.
The rest of you however...
You're looking at yourself the mirror-you look all kinds of wrong, it just didn't work somehow. You feel stupid-no amount of 'self-image-mirror talking' was going to make you look good. Looking around at everyone else you could almost see the resemblance, like crosses Of Yao, Ling and Chien Po from Mulan when they dressed up as women...Concubines.-Ugly concubines.
"it's okay, you look fine." is what you say however,
"Are you kidding me Mitchell, seriously not one of us looks normal..." and you nod slowly in agreement, conceding.
"You guys look great...this is gonna be so awesome!" Chloe says as she passes, stopping to squeeze your hips on the way out of the room.
"Well neither of us is happy with it... but it's what Amy wants and c'mon let's just enjoy it for her sake." you say, it's a half-sigh escaping your lips.
"Fat Amy's sake-not someone else's?" Cynthia says under her breath so only the two of you can hear, you don't immediately withhold your bodies reaction (tensing), she's smirking when you immediately look to the door where Chloe had exited. You loosen, smile a little and then try to play it off like you didn't understand what she was getting at.
"Like who Jesse?" you ask putting on your best neutral face. She laughs lowly,
"You expect me to buy the whole Beca's straight thing...and with Swanson of all people. Naw Mitchell, you've never been a gold star lesbian but you were always meant to be gay for Chloe...You still are, aren't you?"
You try to suppress the blush, but it can't be helped.
"Red suits you-and I'm not just talking about the color on your face..."
"Shut up!" you hiss.
"C'mon dude-I used to play a lot of card games-like a lot..." You know this about her, you don't understand what she's doing here, what she's getting at. You await for her to start making sense.
"I know how to read faces-" she explains,"-and some people think they're good at hiding...but they always give themselves away..."
You're feeling a little... a lot worked up because of everything as it is...and it turns out, you weren't that careful about keeping fronts after all.
"-and you, you were good, the whole Badass-Don't give a damn persona was a pretty good shield but it wasn't a strong enough one was it? You allowed some of us to penetrate it-"
(you could almost hear Fat Amy saying 'not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate')
"Well some more than others... well you couldn't really help yourself when it came to Chloe, could you?"
'-couldn't really help yourself when it came to Chloe' You remember Jesse had said something very similar.
You don't bother to look at her when you reply, "It doesn't concern you..." scared that if you say more you'll further be damming yourself, before exiting, you shuffle away from the room as fast as you can. Now three people knew about how you felt, so much for keeping it a secret and telling Chloe first... at this rate, everyone else would know...
You're suddenly struck by the idea of how easily everything could go wrong. How it would all unravel, fall to shit if you did yet another thing wrong.
Oh god why were you so obvious-and yet apparently not obvious enough to the one who hadn't figured it out yet; the one who was involved, Chloe...
After doing the presents you've moved on to eating. You're all sitting around the flat table filled with an assorted spread of Japanese cuisine: sashimi and sushi, tempura, shabu shabu, some ramen-to name a few, which you're washing down drinking legit sake- something you weren't so sure yet if you liked it or not...but alcohol was alcohol and what can you say?
Oh yeah there was something you said-had to say when drinking sake, "Kanpai!" you say shooting one back, your face twists as the sharp tang, the warmth that immediately floods your system-that travels all the way down to your gut. You clear your throat trying to rid it off the sensation-then start to cough.
"Take it easy short stuff..." Cynthia Rose says clapping your back,
"Yeah- that'll have to be the last one..." you say, pushing back the bottle "I don't wanna repeat of the other night."
"Good for you-" Stacie said reaching across the table to pinch your cheek.
"Good that's more for us." Fat Amy laughed snatching the bottle and promptly refilling her own glass.
"Look who's being all level-headed now, I'm so proud of you-" Aubrey says exaggeratedly, all smiley and teasing the rest of the girls chuckle at this.
"She's growing up so fast." Denise joins in.
"Aw not our baby Beca!" Lily calls out-her voice amplified by the alcohol in her system
You start to scrunch up your face steadily growing annoyed at all of them. You open you mouth to deliver a cutting retort to successfully shut them up but then Chloe leaning close distracts you, she whispers, "Hey I'd have taken care of you again if ever you did get drunk, y'know I don't mind." her breaths warm on your skin, raises goosebumps in its wake-it smells heady like the sake and the other alcoholic beverages she'd been drinking but it's not in any way disgusting-smelling in fact, you're tempted to just close your eyes and inhale deeply.
You try a smile-trying to play along-to see something close to unaffected, cool and casual. "I'm glad I at least have someone I can consistently count on."
Your eyes widen when you feel her lips brush your ear-you suppose she still has more to say-why else would she stay this close breathing down the side of your face.
"Oh Becs, always know that with me you're in excellent, very capable hands." Chloe finishes before she pulls back flashing her flirty little smile. You see/catch Aubrey waggling her eyebrows your way, Cynthia's smirking before she catches your eye and winks.
You almost start choking again, you shake your head trying to cover up how flustered you were both from Chloe and from the other two girls.
"Ahem-yeah thanks but nah, I've already accumulated enough embarrassing moments from this trip alone to last a lifetime."
Yeah speaking of embarrassing...Like the whole geisha themed party wasn't embarrassing enough already. You'd already ticked of all the embarrassing activities for that day one by one.
You've done the whole Fan designing thing, yours was a dark blue with surprise surprise some cool bugs on it, Chloe's a pretty salmon color, with little jasmine and pretty flowers surrounding it.
Fat Amy''s had her's and Benji's name written all around in Japanese characters...and were bedazzled.
Stacie's was dark red and you're sure tiny thongs covered the surface of hers...
Cynthia Rose had casino chips on hers
Lily's had eyeballs on them...yeah...*shudders*
But that wasn't what was embarrassing about it-it was what came after, everyone had to participate in recreating that little fan dance from the movie; which you didn't like at all, both the film and the game-you had to perform it without dropping the fan...it was a pretty stupid game and much worse was that you weren't any good at it, that you kept dropping the fan.
The only bonus part was that Chloe had taken it upon herself to oh-so patiently teach you, she had resumed her whole standing-behind-guiding-your-movements hands-on-teaching that you missed which made the messing up worth it.
And of course there was the sumo wrestler fat suits-that everyone tried...Fat Amy had the most fun when she played and won most battles. Aubrey refused to try it-maybe a bit traumatized the last time she got competitive she gave someone a concussion.
Not that there weren't any casualties during the night. The drinking and merriment lead to a few scuffles here and there-nothing major-a bruise here, a bump there.
There's this loud buzz of different pairs of conversations going on around you, it's quite difficult to single any one person speaking out-or for one to speak or to even be heard above it all.
"Hey drunkards!" Fat Amy's calls through her cupped hands-her way of calling attention; she screams, then whacks a fork at her glass(you're certain that she hadn't meant to do it so enthusiastically) which promptly causes the glass to shatter. There are sounds of surprise a shrie here and there but for the most part the Bride's relatives dismisses it as nothing, as something normal. Fat Amy casually steps over the pieces.
"I would like to commence the commencement of Entertainment- think was good idea to wait- I know it we'll be twice as fun as we are-well, most of us-are completely off of our faces.
"As Geisha's were known masters of entertaining besides the Haiku Performances there would be; a mini-concert where everyone would be required to do something that would entertain the crowd. They can choose to do so in whatever way they liked to; with singing, dancing and/or playing of musical instruments as accompaniment to their singing." Aubrey starts to explain then starts reading through a long list of rules that she had prepared just for the day.
"You all better drink this up-" Stacie approaches, huddling close stealthily slipping a tray laden with several shot glasses filled with some colorful mixture right under Aubrey's nose, who's still caught up in the middle of her speech.
You look around and watch everyone quickly, secretly, artfully downing the shots when Aubrey's eyes strayed from them. You however are still eying the mixture with distrust. Did you want to get drunk again and risk wreaking some havoc in your wake. You know and can almost feel that you are one critical mishap away from causing everything to come crashing and falling apart.
Chloe catches your eye smiles warmly and reaches a hand to rub your shoulder then with the other takes the glass Stacie was trying to hand over and toasts you, "To you Becs."
"Trust me-a couple more off these it'll all go by faster." Stacie says, confidently.
"I don't know..."
"She has five more pages of that. And I swear if you can even imagine it-even more embarrassing things planned." Denise says.
"I saw Amy's master list I think she planned to restage or reenact the whole film with the film playing behind it-we all need to watch it." Cynthia Rose murmurs.
"Give me that!" you say quickly grabbing the last shot and downing it.
"Okay, so the film viewing will commence in the next fifteen minutes I took the liberty of printing out scripts and assigning roles and Amy and Benji will be the leads...Sayuri and Chairman. Chloe will be Mamesan, I will be Mother or Miss Nitta, Stacie will play...Hatsumomo, Jesse will be Nobu, Doctor Krab, the Baron goes to Cap, Unicycle and the others are minor characters.." She passes the scripts out, "I printed an exact number of copies." She calls out. The people pass it down the table, and it runs out exactly before it reaches you. It goes quiet as everyone starts to go over their lines. Chloe moves closer to share hers with you, you smile at her thankfully, "Did I miss anyone..." Aubrey says looking around the extra script in her hand.
You raise your hand.
"Oh yes...here Becs." she says handing it to you. You glance down at the paper and immediately speak out asking."I'm Pumpkin-who the hell is that?"
"You're playing a vegetable?" Unicycle snorts.
"Actually its a fruit." Donald says, Lily nods.
"Who names their kid Pumpkin?" Cynthia Rose asks.
"Only the Japanese." Fat Amy answers.
Lily shakes her head and huffs. Donald wraps an arm around her. "That's racist...plus white people do the whole weird naming thing too after fruits, after states, after cars for pete's sake."
"And Indians have names like Ramdeep, Harshit Boob, Anal Singh." Cynthia Rose says.
"You do not want to get started on the whole funny naming thing Cynth-" Stacie says.
"Okay just go ahead and try with the cracking of the stereotypical African-American names jokes."
"Ah okay everyone...calm down for a second." Aubrey breaths shakily before completely losing it, "You are wasting valuable time here!" She screams hysterically.
"Aubrey seriously...breathe, take this-" Stacie says extracting with some difficulty the stacks of paper and folders that Aubrey was holding tightly to her chest. Stacie then places it on the table replacing her now considerably empty hands with two glasses of shots which Aubrey gratefully, quickly drinks.
"Eck-Mah...Whoo that was good." She says wiping her mouth with the back of her hand."So we do a practice reading then on to the movie. Is that alright with everyone?" She continues far more calmly.
"You better not purposely mess it up I swear, we'll keep repeating the scene-or the movie till it's exactly the way I want it." Fat Amy seriously states.
You heave a sigh look at the bottom of you glass, shrug and then pour yourself some more sake.
By midnight after all the crazy ruckus, the fun and games and hullabaloo had been expired everyone had sufficiently mellowed out, their energy being put to better use, the excellent music set provided by yours truly going around had sated the most aggressive of them-now everyone's thoroughly enjoying light leisurely activities, lounging, talking dancing in the moonlight.
Your mind's all fuzzy you barely remembered how the Haiku thing went you might've mumbled something about nature or somewhat. After the hot mess that was the Memoirs of a Geisha reenactment-everything else faded out of focus. It's all a heated, sweaty, giggly blur...and before you knew it Chloe and you are dancing.
Dancing in the moonlight
Everybody's feeling warm and bright
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight
Chloe's in your arms swaying softly along with the midnight breeze. She shivers a bit and you automatically pull her closer. You wonder how you got there in this position not just the dancing, or the whole dancing in the middle of the crowd thing...this, holding Chloe tightly to you and her her hands wandering, around your waist...she's leaning on your shoulder...how'd she get you to do this because it had definitely not been your idea.
"Thanks for asking me to dance-that was very-Gentlewomanly of you." Chloe says with a English lilt, with a slight slur to it. Oh wait...yeah it had been you. Weird.
"What can I say... Me thought the lady looked too pretty not to be gracing the dance floor." You reply easily-your usual shyness and hesitation eluding you.
"So that's all I am to you, a mere pretty thing to flaunt, an object hanging of the crook of your arm?" She adds at the same time pulling out her decorated fan and fanning herself haughtily with it. Your smile grows bigger liking whatever what was happening. Was this role playing-huh it was kinda fun. You bite your lip as you think of an apt reply.
"Nay lady, you are so much more... but I cannot lie and say it gives me no pleasure to be worthy to have even just a crook of your arm and your ear while all the other gentlemen have to content with mere looking." You smile at the end of your speech, where was all this coming from...that was some drink Stacie made, making you weirdly eloquent.
"Oh errant lady, your tongue of silk aids you well and keeps you from landing an offense..." Chloe says prodding you with her fan, her eyes are still hazy but they dance with mirth-and something else and you can tell she's loving this, enjoying whatever it is as much as you.
"And you fair lady-deserve all the pretty words this silken tongue possesses." You smirk and she tilts her head. You have no means to censor yourself and right now you don't really care. You're wondering how you could take this further-if you were capable...it was a card game and you were wondering who would fold first.
"Beguiling thing 'tis tongue of silk, and powerful, it may succeed in bringing a noblewoman to her knees." She says lowly, her eyebrow rises almost like a challenge.
"Does thou give thy word-so I may take my tongue and use it until I have sight of your trembling knees." Chloe breaths once, twice. And for a moment it's all there-her eyes suddenly dark, open and clear...you feel a memory stir.
"I love you Beca never forget..." But just as soon as it's there it disappears... but that had been a dream, hadn't it?
"Wait why did we start doing English accents?" She says bringing you back, easing back into drunken tipsy American Chloe.
"I don't know cos we're completely off our heads..." You say still with the accent, towards the end following the queen of hearts.
"You're such a goofball-You hate movies and yet you love cartoons."
"Classic Disney-I do hold on to my few fond childhood memories...and you started it... but anywho that was fun-sorta amazing. The accent really becomes you."
"You're not so bad yourself. It'd been cool if people still versed things that way today."
"Yeah, but unfortunately it's time to leave Shakespeare...we're supposed to be in a completely different era and... continent..."
"Farewell Lady Red." You bid her. She then giggles as she tries a curtsy but ultimately ends up falling on her ass. You laughingly help her up.
"Oohh, you're so strong..." she says giggling merrily, drunkenly- "and I'm all unsteady on my feet right now..." She comments, her arms finding purchase around your neck. "Sorry... you'll have to shoulder all my weight."
"I don't care-I mean, don't mind...lean on me all you want." She smiles again. "My heroine...like a person and like the drug. I feel all...free." She says and settles in comfortably into the crook of your neck. You chuckle a bit, shaking your head. You let your arms hold her securely, tightly to yourself...to keep her close, safe, yours.
You know what she meant-you felt it too. The moonlight was doing things to you or was it also due to the amount of alcohol and other strong substances... or was it just Chloe-everything Chloe her smell, her warmth, her laughter reaching you, floating around in your system making you high, lowering your inhibitions making you move around loosely, happily, freely, carelessly; the pair of you giggling drunkenly. You feel yourself closing your eyes drowsily and yet all your other senses are still buzzing. You feel her as she leans in close, her nose briefly touching yours, "Beca-" she whispers, you feel her breath- you give a sharp intake "uh-huh" you murmur. "Look at me." You raise them again her eyes searching deep into yours, patiently waiting.
You look up but instead of zeroing on Chloe's baby blues you freeze as you catch sight of both Jesse and Aubrey watching...Jesse's smile's strained from where he's seating-Aubry's further away but she's half-frowning, glancing between the two of you wondering what's going on.
You suddenly feel cold as guilt washes over you-as you remember yourself. You reluctantly pull away from Chloe who whines and full-on pouts "Becaaa where are you going...I'm cold. We're having so much fun..you're a good dancer."
"Yeah um you can dance with Stacie," you pull Stacie from Cap's grasp twirl her around to face Chloe "She's a better dancer...um I'll just sit down I'm feeling tired."
"Okay Grandma." She teases.
"Speak for yourself I'm still going strong..." Nana says dancing wildly as she passes by.
"You show them Nan!" Fat Amy calls out.
You walk, half-stumble giggling all the way to the patio and take the seat right next to Jesse, who you have yet to converse with during the entirety of the whole night "What tired already, you should really get out more Becs." He states humorlessly.
"Yeah...hey I thought I was the loner out of the two of us?" You half-heartedly joke.
"Oh you know felt like chilling... admiring the view of my supposed girlfriend dancing and grinding with some other chick. " His voice comes out hard and harsh, you wince. Jesse was never like this unless he was really drunk or really angry- so something must really be bothering him. Wow, excellent powers of deduction and observation there Mitchell. Y'know and yet you'd almost forgotten, it was temporarily banished to the back of your mind how Jesse had really gotten the short end of the stick here what with his situation with Aubrey... while you in the other hand were acting all free flaunting it all in his face. So yes your understood his anger...and his being drunk...he was really drunk...and you thought you were far gone...it seems like with everyone else dancing Jesse had taken it upon himself to handle and consume all the incoming alcohol.
"Jess..." you start to say, the start of an apology, wanting to soothe him and his anger.
"I told you everything would be alright, didn't I...and I also recall saying not to be paranoid but you just had to jump the gun and look where that got us." He says voiced raised.
"I don't know how to fix this...If I only I could take it back, you know I would." You say voice small. You flinch as he gets up unsteadily to his feet momentarily towering over you, his face is all angry and red. Jesse catches himself-his face softening somewhat.
"Yeah I know...and you know that normally I'd actually be happy for you guys-that you're back to acting all cutesy and affectionate," he sighs "It's so sweet it's almost sickening."
"You're talking about it like we're some couple. We're just back to being friends."
"Well your just being friends with Chloe allows you to go back to the normal spending all the time together, that's a lot of time for a lot of Bechloe action to happen, and you get to make goo-goo eyes at each other all you want, I estimate that even before the week's over you'll get the girl. While me on the other hand the girl I like won't look at me let alone talk to me. You know it totally got the short end of the stick here..."
"Yeah we're back to normal...and I'm grateful but you're wrong Chloe doesn't like me like that."
He gives you this look; annoyed, angry even, but he then sighs and his eyes turn pitying.
"Chloe's watching you right now-she's been watching you all night, she hasn't been able to keep her eyes and until recently her hands off of you." It's a good thing you're flushed from the alcohol-so the deep blush isn't as obvious-you think. You're tempted to look. You try to shrug it off.
"She's touchy... she's flirty...she's Chloe for pete's sake." He makes a sound at the back of his throat-it sounds like defeat, like utter disbelief. You continue to give reasons."And she's probably just concerned, I'm a lightweight these days."
"God you can be so blind at times. Do people need to spell it out for you to get it? S-h-e space L-i-k-e-s space Y-o-u."
"Look I only just got her back-I don't wanna- I'm not about to let some theory of yours that she likes me back ruin it.." your words are muffled by Jesse kissing you, you're trying frantically to push him away but he's got you pinned to him, the rest of the gang wolf-whistles. When you emerge from that kiss-having first to control your palm that itches to make some connection with Jesse's cheek (you do manage to cover up a hard push to his chest-making it look playful but your murderous glare is anything but) and seeking Chloe out-you saw her disappear into the crowd just a few seconds ago.
"Hey Honey I won't allow them show to show us up-we're the ones getting married." she pulls Benji and dips him before proceeding to lock lips as well-causing the cousins to call out "Get 'em Pat!" All the while laughing uproariously.
You laugh almost crazy panick-y hysterically along with them, your eyes glancing around frantically. Where the hell was she?
"She saw and now she's gone are you freaking happy?" you hiss at Jesse. Jesse who's face is ashen-the top of his lip sweaty.
"Sorry I don't know why-I wasn't really thinking...straight. My mind's all... fuzzy."
"No really-you think...you... think? You weren't thinking at all because you can't be all level-headed 'cos you're freaking beyond just plain intoxicated, you're freaking hammered you crazy drunk A-hole." You wipe your mouth surreptitiously-you had tasted the sharp lingering taste of alcohol-you don't wan to think of how much he had consumed-you only know that it was too much as he absolutely reeks of alcohol...You're about to lay it on him some more but suddenly Aubrey's marching up to the two of you.
Oh shit you close your eyes ready for her to unleash the She hulk again but when you crack your eyes open to peek-to check her progress with the whole hitting you thing she's just standing there looking positively livid but she's not swinging yet so the shit hadn't hit the fan just yet-in fact she's breathing in and out trying to calm herself down, her eyes closed too (seemingly not trusting herself to contain her anger with you in plain sight) but then her eyes open and...
"What was that!?" she finally screams.
"Please, Aubrey, not now..." Jesse says. She ignores him.
"What is wrong with you..."
"Who me?" You ask, wondering why she wasn't looking at you, was she that pissed off?
"No him... why did you do that?"
"He's beyond drunk-he looks perfectly fine but he's pass the stage-he's barely conscious he won't remember any of this tomorrow.
"Well not just him the both of you then...why'd you let him kiss you?"
"Seriously Bree-" You start to say, fed up with your rotten luck, fed up with everything in general.
"I was trying to get Bechloe to happen." Jesse says steadily but with a slight slur to his speech.
"No, I was the one who was trying to...you were failing, quite fantastically in fact..." Aubrey grates out.
"I'll let you know that making one of the two main characters jealous always works in any other real life romantic movie situation-Wait you know about Chloe and Beca?" Jesse says dully, his tongue thick and slow.
"Are you really insulting my intelligence right now after you made me look like a fool?"
"I was going to tell you but Beca-"
"Hey..don't blame me..." you say before they quit fighting for a moment to look at you, "Okay, blame me..." you say putting your hands up, wilting under their gaze...
"So wait...Aubrey you aren't crazy mad at Jesse?"
"If I was it's because he didn't bother to tell me and that I had to figure it out myself and now...you had to add to the mess by doing this...did you want to send Chloe into the arms of the Brit..."
"No..NO..."
"Well if it looks like it worked..."
You turn your head so fast you almost hear the crick, Chloe was there rounding the corner pressed closely to Luke her face tucked into his chest, his arms tight around her. (you weren't sure which part was which...or which part belong to whom anymore.)
You feel your stomach drop. Oh shit...
Your eyes narrow as he holds her close, how he too is looking at you angrily,
You want to walk up there to pry his hands off her. But his eyes warn you not to try it-not to try anything, not to even be within a close proximity of Chloe. You recognize that look all protective-the way you used to-still get over Chloe...you know how if you were in his shoes...you'd have protected Chloe from anyone, anything...you wouldn't let anyone near her to hurt her...and your realize you had hurt her without wanting or meaning to.
So Chloe really did like you back. Well...enough to run away crying to Luke-her Jesse. Your face softens, You couldn't fight that look. You give her the space she needs though its killing you...so she could get the comfort that she sought from who was best for her at the moment. You give a slight nod in recognition-in understanding, he does to. Okay pretty boy you can hold Chloe for now but later, in your room, you and her would talk. You would have her to yourself.
You feel a twist in your gut as Chloe hugs him tighter.
"I feel sick. I need to puk-" Jesse says before quickly turning and just making it to the side of the patio where he emptied his stomach's contents.
"Me too Jess, me too." you say rubbing his back as his body started to reject the excess that he had forced in. If you were to be learning something from Jesse at the moment it was that some stuff you weren't meant to be kept inside for long. The whole secretly loving Chloe thing had done too much damage...well it was your fear, your spaz-y tendencies that caused all the mess, and because of it you were determined to take full responsibility. Y'knew that it would be you who would have to put things back in order.
In the early morn after everyone of you guests starts to drop one by one, then and only then does Amy officially close the party. Remarkably the O'kelly's remain standing looking as if they could continue partying for many days to come. While the rest stumble about making way to their assigned rooms Aubrey stays behind to oversee the cleaning up, you get stuck helping her as you are the two more sober ones. Chloe had long ago disappeared towards the direction of your shared room all the while closely aided by Luke.
You get to setting things straight and then between the two of you manage to maneuver Jess to the health center, it was the nearest place you didn't have the heart to leave him out in the patio. You lay him across your old bed-Now you can't be teased for being the only one amongst you guests to use it.
You look across at Aubrey the both of you are panting slightly-rather, more like extremely out of breath once you've gotten Jesse settled on the health station bed. (You didn't think to make any of the boys stay behind to help with him.) You have to get going to find Chloe now...however, you don't really know how to get out of-you don't even know if Aubrey was willing to take on the Jesse-care duties.
"You go ahead I'll see to..." Aubrey says, answering for you somehow hearing your wordless plea. She wordlessly gestures towards the patient before getting a pail, a glass of water, and some aspirin ready.
"You sure?"
"Bree..." He murmurs tiredly. She sets the items down and goes to him then sits by the bed. That was an answer enough for you.
You turn to leave, "Becaw-" Jesse weakly calls out when your almost out of the door. You turn back to him.
"I'm sorry." He whispers then groans as he tries to sit up.
"Lie down. It's fine. I guess we're kinda even now." you say. He nods tiredly sending a half-smile. Aubrey helps ease him back onto the bed before he closes his eyes to rest. Aubrey brushes a stray hair away from his face.
"Beca..." Aubrey calls your attention urgently.
"What?"
"Chloe-" she reminds you not unkindly. She gives you a look knowing that you were dragging your feet somewhat. "She needs an explanation. You can still fix this. You'll have to come through for her now and be entirely honest and open about everything.
"I don't know how or where to start-I don't even know if I- if we can manage that."
"If you guys just manage to sit down and talk it over everything will be okay, She wants to hear what you have to say...you better go she's waited long enough for you." You nod frantically ready to start of but you turn back one last time.
"Wait a minute...You knew that I didn't tell her yet?"
She gives you a "what-do-you-take-me-for" look and you just nod before leaving the room.
You would have to tell her now, this was it. No way could you deter yourself...you had to fix this, to explain it. You breathe in and out slowly trying to gather up your courage. You would do this and it would be okay...you're not sure where to begin or what to say exactly but it would turn out okay-it had to right. Right. What are you scared of anyway it's just Chloe. Right, when had she ever been just Chloe-she was everything Chloe. That's why you had to make this right before it was too late...make this right between you once and for all.
You finally make it to your shared room, it had felt like the longest trek getting there. You're absolutely knackered and yet somehow during the walk you had worked out what to say and had built up some confidence that seemed enough hopefully to get you through it.
The first thing you see as you slowly ease open the door is Chloe in the dark room sitting on her bed, illuminated by the weak lamplight beside her.
Her back's turned to the door but you can see even from a distance that it's shaking, you can hear her softly sniffling, your heart constricts.
You close the door behind you gently as you walk into the room fully and she straightens up and gets off the bed. Her back remains turned. You count to three in your head-here you go, this was it. three. two one...but instead of 'Chloe I have to tell you something I ove you, I'm in love with you..'.
"Chloe...You okay?" You ask instead and still it takes so much courage to do so as you're terrified of what she'll say...I mean y'know her answer 'cos obviously she wasn't okay-you can see that but you're scared of how all of this had taken its toll on her... maybe so much more than you. You were actually awaiting some kind of a blow up, for Chloe's outburst, her violent reaction.
She does move closer and you quickly close your eyes and still yourself (for either a kiss or a slap you're readily prepared for either or the two) but her footsteps keep moving past you to retrieve her shoes from where she may have hurriedly discarded them by the door before she returns to her side of the room.
You wait a beat of a second as she continues moving around the room going about her normal nighttime routine and a few seconds more...then minutes...and you continue to wait..and what you get is nothing, not a word- which would've been okay as you were expecting a couple of choice words- you were even banking on a look-now that would've been welcome, even a slap. Just something from Chloe to rouse Chloe, for her to acknowledge you.
"Sorry what was that?" She all but breathes out several moments later, her damp eyes finally raises to meet yours.
"I said or rather, I asked, are you…okay?" Her eyes smolder for a bit but then she lets out a gust of air deflating her body. She gives her head a little shake and bites her lip and with her new intake of breath back is her smile and her gaze on you feels softer but still, somehow, not genuinely Chloe enough and it leaves you feeling all hollow because in that one look you can almost feel her pulling away-it feels like a goodbye, almost like she'd given up somehow.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she says off-handedly, "Why would there be anything wrong…" She's good you'll giver her that but you can still hear the slight bite in there.
"Nothing." You get out slowly. You bite your lip wanting to say so much more. This kind of confrontation, being forceful when demanding things-answers from people was never really your strong suit.
"So nothing then…" She smiles before she starts turning away. Your heart's thudding loudly-you feel the blood rush to your ears. You can't leave it like this. Speak, tell her, Beca.
"Chloe…If there's something bothering you-you can tell me. You have to tell me." You say and her back stiffens just a tiny bit.
"I don't have to tell you anything." She says her tone harsh almsot accusing. Her eyes flash, there's anger and sadness that you recognize but then she shakes her head and forces a smile "because...it's okay Beca. I'm fine...everything's fine."
"And even if there was something I wouldn't want you to be unnecessarily burdened with it. It wouldn't be any of your concern. And I would have resolved it by talking it over with someone else." You feel hurt and confused and you know you have no right to be...
"Well then it's a good thing there isn't anything wrong…wouldn't want you to get worked up over nothing." You say unintentionally harsh. Chloe frowns. "So where were you then, after the dancing you just upped and left?"
"I just had to get away...I wasn't feeling all to well."
"I saw you with Luke-" you quickly say unable to keep your jealousy from leaking out.
"Yeah he was making me feel better-comforting me. He knows what I like...he knows me."
"Yeah he looked very comfy with you and the whole bringing comfort thing. He seemed to know exactly how to do so...He's good-very familiar with all thing Chloe Beale, he understands and applies the whole touch-feely comforting thing like you... "
Chloe's frown deepens, there's a deep line across her forehead and between her brows "Well yeah-he is my real friend these days." She says once again with that whole guilt-tripping tone.
This whole thing was your fault and you were trying to put things back in order its just that this entire conversation, wasn't quite going the way you had envisioned it. The both of you seemed keen on side-stepping everything important. You want to be up front and honest but how she was acting was really setting you off...
"I'm your friend." you say confusedly.
"Well, you looked pretty preoccupied...
"Jesse was-"
"Oh yes Jesse needed your help and you had to flock to him..."
"He's my-"
"I know what he is." She snaps. "But whatever you know...I don't even know. I don't know why... I was expecting things to be different...It's how you are-I mean it isn't anything new, it's not only now that you've been like this. And he hasn't been the only reason..."
Your mouth opens and closes, you're tying to form words but you are unsuccessful.
"What the hell do you mean?" You ask after what feels like several minutes of doing an exemplary 'fish-out-of-water' impression.
"You've been preoccupied with everything and anything for the past five years." You open your mouth to respond. But Chloe's now starting to get into the rant, to get thoroughly angry-to let out whatever it was that had been steaming within her, delivering on the blow up that you had expecting from her. Though you can't say that what she's ranting about isn't a surprise to you.
"Some friend you are-you were supposed to be my best friend...I was supposed to be your person and you were supposed to be mine... all these years I've wanted to talk to you, to tell you things...but after Barden you just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure you left a number but you were so hard to reach...You had all these excuses and always too busy, too busy to pick up a phone, too busy to return any of my calls, to even reply in facebook-or viber or to a freaking tweet on twitter." She says, advancing upon you. You feel your back hit the wall.
Your mouth drops open in shock. Your head's spinning. "What the hell-where is this coming from?"
"You really don't know..." She asks angrily looking on the verge of tears. Oh shit this wasn't going too well was it? You try to calm her down...do some damage control.
"I understand that you're upset about me-about us losing touch but...I don't see why that's relevant now..." Chloe looks up looking pissed off again, "I mean of course its relevant but I...that's all in the past I mean you said that we're both here now and we can make up for it..."
You only realize how close she's gotten when you feel her breath on your face then your mind is flooded with images…some you recognized others you didn't-with all the ongoing thoughts the fuzzy state of everything-it isn't clear which one's happened in the dream, which happened in reality.
There's an overlapping of images; Of her standing this close…but she was half-naked. "What's the point of wearing clothes you're just going to tear them off anyway." She laughs.
You forcefully push that fantasy away as it's distracting you from what Chloe's currently saying and doing but it's too late Chloe's getting more and more agitated..."Beca-Are you even listening to me? Can you at least have the decency to pay attention when I'm talking to you?"
"Huh-what?"
"God...you have one thick skull, like seriously you are the most emotionally constipated person I've ever met." Chloe says her voice hard. She's still drunk that's why she's acting like this all confusing...and normally you'd give her some leeway, but there's this pain spreading, what had been a dull throb felt like this intense pressure squeezing at your head. Your head hurts but it was a different pain from what you experienced after hitting your head on the side of the pool, this one felt older, sharper.
You gently push her away and slide to the floor grasping your head. What was happening to you.
She had called you emotionally constipated for some reason it makes you want to laugh...then your mind amidst the pain helps you recall another time, the same words but said with a different tone. Your mind plays it back.
You were back at Chloe and Aubrey's shared dorm room. Aubrey had class and Chloe had convinced you to come over with the pretense of letting you sort through and helping her organize her ever growing vinyl collection; the idea you liked-but the spending the time with the person who'd asked you-you liked even more. There wasn't even the remotest chance of rejection, there was absolutely no hesitation when you gave your answer.
But right now, as tradition while hanging out with the redhead the whole purpose or excuse for hanging out-the sorting activity was taking a backseat to other activities; lounging about, talking, dilly-dallying while reclining and eating on her bed. And as expected or what had become typical somehow with the two of you-occurring more and more often as of late you could always expect a turn... such idle lazy moments would lead up to completely random yet still somehow weirdly, heavy, deeply significant conversations.
"Becs stop being so emotionally constipated." She says and you can't help smiling at the term while playfully rolling your eyes. You look at the spread of sweets-Chloe had indulged in your sugar high craving allowing chocolates and gummies, and all kinds of candies galore. You peel apart a twizzler and stick it in your mouth to stop yourself from retorting.
Chloe takes the other part of the candy. "We're really good, really close friends-best friends even… you can say it. There's no need to be scared you can say it-like the actual words…it's okay to tell me you luuurve me…" She teases, waggling her eyebrows.
You bite the inside of your cheek to stop that goofy, embarrassed smile from appearing, from giving you away.
"I'm not scared or…y'know constipated or whatever." You say in a surprisingly even tone. She cocks her head awaiting for you to explain yourself further."I just… why does everything have to be said…Why do people have to be showy about it or soap-opery…Y'know… Isn't it just mutual knowledge. Can't it just be understood and accepted as such shouldn't actions be enough…shouldn't actions speak louder than words?" You finish, your voice had been raised, chocked up and weird sounding. You don't know where that rant had come from- even Chloe is similarly surprised, her eyebrows have all but disappeared into her hairline. But then her brows furrow and she smiles,"But you also have problems with physical affection."
"Yeah…It's-well, I'm a work in progress-I'm getting better at it though. I have you to thank… I guess. I've gotten used to it-I really didn't have a choice... you don't seem to understand-no I think you are completely unaware of the whole needing personal space concept."
"Hey!" She says looking mildly offended.
"What-it's true. " She looks like she wants to say something but bites her lip. "And that's why you can't think of anything to say right now." You say barking with laughter.
"Physical affection is nice…but sometimes it also feels good for stuff to be acknowledged to be confirmed aloud, out in the open. Y'know 'cos sometimes people choose to act differently from how they're feeling-" She says her voice suddenly serious.
"And people could be saying completely different stuff from what they're thinking." You feel yourself responding similarly, your voice low. Chloe looks up and your both silent mulling it over. You decide to be the one to break the enveloping silence.
"Yeah-we could step into the whole People by nature are dishonest, lying, deceiving creatures... but that's too dark- even for me." You deadpan. She cracks a smile.
"So let's lighten it up then. C'mon it's easy-simple even." She stares at you hard, "Say it…I really need to hear it at least once from you..."
"You're my best friend… so I guess that I might like you... enough…" You say off-handedly.
"C'mon!" She pouts "Tell me Beca...I know you do..."
"I do not-" you hear yourself stoutly saying but can feel a smile coming on-it takes everything in you not to give in and just let it out.
"C'mon, If you don't do it...I'll have to-" She begins gravely, "I guess... I'll have to...tickle it out of you." She says cocking her head.
"You wouldn't dare…"
She smirks. Her brows raise, perking up at the challenge. She raises her hands and wriggles them. You dodge and jump off the bed and Chloe follows suit.
"C'mon might as well say it now." She says while chasing after you. "I'm gonna catch you then tickle you till you cry for mercy then you'll wish that you'd said it earlier."
You go round and round the room till Chloe takes a well-timed leap from behind her desk, it's a perfect trajectory-she lands on you, pushing you back onto the bed sending all the sweets flying this way and that.
"C'mon say it 'I love Chloe!'" She says panting slightly from above you, lightly pinning you down with her weight. You could totally top her-maybe you were waiting to see if she would push through with it, maybe you were anticipating heavily her pushing through with it, maybe you were enjoying this way too much.
"Wow you're exerting way too much effort in getting me to say it…"
"Well I wouldn't have to if you weren't making it unnecessarily harder for me. So-" she says shifting her weight slightly so she's pinning you down more effectively. Her front pushed up, aligned perfectly with yours."-you give?"
"No." You say as strongly as you can, you're actually quite breathless- not from her weight on yours-well...yes, from her weight but also how it felt; her pressed against you.
She smirks "I was hoping you'd say that." Quickly-not even giving you a second to prepare yourself-you feel her hands reaching under your shirt;your stomach clenches as her slightly cold hands reach your most ticklish spots. You first try to struggle then try to still yourself, to last, to fight against it ...but her fingers wield such power and before you know it, you're ready to wave the white flag not even ten seconds in.
"Stop."
"Beg for mercy!"
"Chloe. Please!"
"No you have to say the word mercy..."
"Mercy!"
"Mercy is for the weak-" She laughs, "Now say the other line... then and only then will I end your suffering."
"Stop. Please! Fine fine!…" You gasp out amidst your laughter. "I love Chloe." You say and she's there hovering over you and she's staring down watching you as you breathe in slowly trying to recover your breath. Her face is flushed, she looks jubilant, smug even. "See that wasn't so hard, was it?" You see the little half smile on her face and can picture, can liken it to the cat that had finally gotten the canary.
"Yeah...I dunno." You frown pretending to be pissed. But you feel your own lips twitch as you decide to retaliate by messing with her. "it doesn't seem or sound quite natural...just yet-" You assure her, "I guess practice makes perfect...so...I'll uh-have to say it again...you like?" You ask.
Chloe bounces up into a sitting position, clapping her hands excitedly-You inwardly smile she was like a little kid. You raise your body slightly of the bed, leaning on your elbows. "I...love..." She waits patiently."-Chloe." you finish. And her smile shines through brightly, and it makes your heart stutter, it almost hinders you from adding in "-Chloe Moretz. She's so cool."
"Wait no-Chloë Sevigny. I'm not into films but I appreciate her spectacular acting in Boys Don't Cry. I think she was the main reason I stayed awake through most of it." You say and it's her turn to roll her eyes exaggeratedly,an action she picked up from hanging around you a lot.
"You are so annoying." she says your smile widens.
"You love me though."
"Yeah, I do love you, Beca." She says her face not really serious not really joking. "See easy-peasy."
"Beca." Chloe's voice echoes bringing you back, frustration lacing her tone. You recall what she had said before calling you emotionally constipated, "You really don't know?" and form a response.
"What am I...supposed to know? What do i already know?" She stares at you again and her eyes are so sad making your chest tighten painfully.
"Nothing apparently-Anyway I'm tired..." She says and you notice as she puts on her shoes and takes a jacket and puts it over her sleep wear preparing to leave the room.
"Okay. Let's sleep then..." you say trying to convince her to stay,
"I wanna sleep but I'm taking a walk to clear my head a bit...I need to let go of some... things..." She brushes past you.
"Wai-" you begin to say but she's gone. Was she gone for good? You feel that chill of foreboding. Of course not you numbskull...she just needed space. She's probably going around the vicinity-it's not like she would or could leave the estate...It's not like she wouldn't come back.
She didn't come back... not as herself at least. She was now fully-distanced Chloe. You thought you had known how it felt for her to be that way-you had felt off around her the first night, you were estranged all these years, but it was much worse now...cos she was right there in front of you and yet it was like she had given up on you.
The next day and a half is pure hell of mutual discomfort and of awkwardness so extreme that even Fat Amy's relatives notice it. Of course they mostly notice that "Red's not as perky today." and that" Tiny's even more sour-faced than usual."
After that night the two of you barely looked at each other or even acknowledged each others existence.
You had been prepared to talk it through as you hadn't an idea what exactly had happened all you know is that you had been completely unprepared and it had all escalated quickly beyond your control- too fast to know the right thing to say or do at the time. After she left you had taken a moment to gather your thoughts and then and there you decided your actions. You would talk to Chloe as soon as she came back to your room-you wouldn't let her try to shut you up-you'd speak first…in a clear and concise manner you'd explain everything and ask her to forgive you.
You'd been waiting up for Chloe only to drift off for a second and wake up only to catch her coming in during the wee hours of the early morn wearing an old familiar-looking Manchester United shirt, you didn't need to guess who owned it. You guess with Fat Amy and everyone else being so drunk it had been all too easy for her and Luke to get past the no boys and girls in the same room rule-
The situation was dire, yet you fear it could only get worse-tonight officially …right now actually... Aubrey was moving out of your room to go into her private one. She was just gathering the last of her things.
You remember this day was supposed to be one of extreme joy-it was supposed to the big event to top all big events. But now you dreaded every second, minute, hour that ticked by with Aubrey taking this and that it left more than a literal space...you felt the distance between Chloe and you growing beyond repair. She spent most of her time around Luke now and you drifted between the Bellas and Jesse…the one's who knew tried to cheer your up, the rest who didn't left you alone... but you couldn't hang around any one of them for long without giving in to your slight depression. So you tended to remove yourself from the group in order to stop being a wet blanket, or a mega-downer on everyone's happiness.
Like tonight-you decided to retire to bed early. You asked to be excused from yet another bar hopping around the area then a Hawaiian-themed party at the other side of the house. Jesse and Cynthia Rose eyed you understandingly. Aubrey told you to "rest it out for now but to get it together tomorrow morning or else." She casts a significant look over at the two people you refused to acknowledge-that you dismissed as mere furniture…Chloe and Luke all cosy, hauled up together on some random surface-this time an armchair ... Yeah squeeze yourselves into one tiny space it'd not like there aren't several available chairs. You think before you turn and leave, making your way back to your room.
You close your door against the traveling still slightly booming party noise. You make record time in getting ready for bed then quickly settle under your covers… it's unsettling the silence inside the room.
You look around noting how vast it really was-how empty it had become.
You feel really lonely on your side of the room-you look longingly at the joined beds … you don't know why you get into your mind that at least being in that bed would make you appear-make you feel less alone…You're having a battle within yourself…should you sleep there or not. You really want to...
Chloe probably wouldn't even come in again-these past two nights she hadn't. You convince yourself that it's your right-you have the right to be comfortable and it was such a waste no one using the perfectly spacey bed. You get into the bed but moments later you're still having a fretful time falling asleep.
You're questioning your actions. Maybe cos you can't admit to wanting to be near Chloe you weren't quite ready for it at the moment but at the same time you feel pathetic -using this as a substitute... it's all you could take at the moment, at least being near her things would serve as a temporary aid perhaps it would lessen the ache.
But the ache only seemed to grow as you though of how most likely-your attempts at ignoring her had been noticed and yet she hadn't cared at all-she couldn't be bothered as she no longer wanted anything to do with you…
You bite your lip hard and close your eyes against the painful squeeze that the thought caused your heart.
Yours was a restless sleep…even the path leading to sleepy town had been fraught with complications; with all the tossing and turning and heavy thoughts...but somehow you had finally reached that stage, the deep sleep stage, and you had good reason to believe that you wouldn't be disturbed by anyone or anything from there on out.
But you jolt awake sometime later for an unknown reason; your senses are lagging still caught between sleep and waking…your sense of touch comes. You feel warmer, more cosy that before...then your sense of smell;vanilla and cinnamon and something heady, then slowly your sight…the night light had been plugged back in and by the dim light you see several things in disarray-a couple of things strewn about, a plant toppled over, shoes, a dress that you recognize at the foot of the bed and all at once everything clicks. Chloe was here in the room, in the bed hugging you-You quickly turn around in her arms.
"Chloe?" you ask in disbelief though you really can't be mistaken.
"Heeyyy-Beca's awake…Yay!" Chloe says loudly, adding up the sense of hearing, the slight slur to her speech confirming another detail-she was drunk. She hugs you to herself-snuggles into you. You stiffen.
"Yeah-um….did you just get in?" You ask still hesitant, casually pulling away.
"Yup. It was a wild partyyy… " She says squashing your attempts by bringing you back into her arms. "We did poi dancing and all these other neat stuff…you missed out…" She says beaming, you can't help smiling back. You sigh.
"Yeah seems like I missed out on a lot of significant things…which I regret…a lot." She has no idea how much you wished you'd been brave enough to face her before-that you hadn't run away, kept away, protecting yourself from how you felt all these years. "You don't know how hard it's been keeping away...I missed you-I miss you always...But-I shouldn't be talking about this when you're like this….Chloe?" Her eyes have glazed over..had she passed out with her eyes open-
"Chloe?" you whisper. Her eyes suddenly clear up and she looks straight at you."Beca..." she says softly. "I know I shouldn't be saying this…cos' of everything…"
"Hmm" you make a sound of acknowledgement-your voice muffled-though you can hardly breathe…you're still trying to calm your heart…imagine to be pining way for Chloe and to wake up right in her arms-to say she had caught you unaware was an understatement
"-but I'm glad Aubrey's out...I missed being this close to you." Your heart thuds heavily as she snuggles in freely, her arms securing you to her tightly. It takes everything in you not to cry... with relief, with happiness because it wasn't just you who had felt miserable without her...she was drunk she proabaly wpuld have no recollection of what she had just said and she'd probably dismiss this whole scenario tomorrow...everything would go back to normal by the light of day. But tonight, in this new calm that the darkness brought...you would go with it-you'd take what you could get.
She sighs in contentment and drifts off into a peaceful sleep feeling comfortable in your arms again while you try to do the same.
What feels like hours later-you are still having a hard time doing the same.
It's rather difficult when right now you're wide awake... when your whole body's tingling, thrumming right where her breasts are pushing up against your back, and for every inhale-exhale to hit you right at the nape...to where her hand's resting near your navel...occasionally moving...finally resting where your skin's a tiny bit exposed...
You can't help feeling totally turned on and weirded out at the same time...this was real, but the situation was awkward to say the least...your body can't seem to keep up with this weird uncertain place, this stalemate that you and Chloe were in this feeble pretense of friendship...it's thrumming, responding to her light innocent, unconscious touches...and it's making you oh so guilty...
The tightening feeling in your gut, the moist feeling that grows as her lips ghost over your nape, as her hand moves, clutches, caresses at your clothing then at your skin...
All of this was wrong...to fantasize to get so much out of it. Chloe was asleep...you should just ignore it and...
You turn and are surprised to see Chloe's face so close to yours... her eyes wide open...her eyes a darker hue than you've ever seen it before.
She leans in and you close your eyes expecting any moment to be wrenched from this dream. But seconds later when you feel her lips, so soft and warm press into yours sweet and slow then later becoming more insistent, traveling across your face, then your neck...you are forced to accept that this is real-feel that it is as soon as you feel Chloe's hand deliberately slip up your shirt...You pull away slightly feeling dizzy, your hand finding hers...
"Chloe-what?" you say breathlessly.
"Just for tonight..." She whispers, her breath softly caressing your face while her hand starts to caress you, massage you. You close your eyes giving in to the sensations...drunk without alcohol...drunk on her lips, the sound of her heavy breathing...her soft sure caress...You feel everything...feel her hand as it slowly makes it way down then inside your pants. Your eyes jolt open.
"No-wait...stop..." You say with supreme effort... Chloe almost growls. You take her in with her swollen lips, her dark heavily lidded eyes that she raises to yours- almost making you give in...
"This is wrong-I don't..." Quickly her eyes change, regain some of it's anger...
"We can't just..." -but what you can see clear as day as she starts to move away is pain-rejection...
She's still breathing hard, her hair's wild..."You're..." She frowns-her gaze unwavering...The both of you are waiting for you to finish your sentence.
"Fuck it-" you say and pull her to you, hungrily capturing her lips in your own
"You're going to hate me in the morning"
