You guys have no idea how this almost didn't get posted this week.. lol. My friends dog had puppies and then the mom passed and so for the past 14 days I've been getting up every two hours to bottle feed and poop them. I'm exhausted, but on the plus side I've got a new 14 day old boxer/bulldog puppie named Apollo. He's soo fricken cute. The whole litter is just to die for. So we got reiforcements today so I got to sleep and finally some time to write and edit. So from me to you I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing it is all the property of FX, and Kurt Sutter, the myth, the man, the legend. J

Chapter 11 – Gravity

*I was there on the day truth died
Blood on my hands, throw them up in the sky
I was a number one sinner no less
My life was a lie and my wish was a death
I fell in love with the ways of the world
Money and the fame, the booze and the girls
But I couldn't stay faithful if I tried
I'd turn into a devil you could see it in my eyes
I blacked out, told you everything I ever did
I couldn't take all the lies I was living with
I broke your heart, broke up the next day
My bags outside yelling get the hell away
You're not a husband, not a father just a pig
And you can never change all the things that you did
That's when I knew it, it wouldn't last
You'll never get away when you're running from the past

Last night Jax knew that it was the right decision not to talk about the Irish at Tara's place, but pulling his charger into the Teller Morrow lot with the intent to walk back into the club house and into church, along with what he knew would surely be the rest of club has him rethinking it.

The lot was already filled with a long line of bikes. He knows he's probably the last to arrive. Knows that he's the only one not currently a member that will be in that room, and knows that most of them don't know that he's out. They don't know that he's been out, and left Charming and the club behind.

As he walks inside the clubhouse the men all turn to welcome him. They all assume he just needed to get his head back into the game, and deal with the Tara/Chibs situation. He refuses to be anything but who he is, and this club is his families legacy so he strolls through the bar area with the all the confidence of the prince of charming and into church without knocking.

The men inside all cheer the return of their leader, but Jax keeps it cordial and knows he's getting odd looks from some of the older men, Bobby, Tig, Happy, who see that he's not wearing a kutte. Most of the table glances between Chibs and him not knowing what to do. Jax takes a seat at the side of the room with a few of the prospects that have been allowed in. He nods at Chibs who takes this moment to bring up a new topic.

"As ya can all see boys Jax is back in town, and that's brining up some old wounds with our Irish friends."

All attention turn back to the head of the table.

"Real IRA?" Tig asks.

"Aye. Alvarez did us a solid the other day. Seems they Mayans are catching a lot of heat on the street and the Irish are letting it slip that they think Jackie's here to get us back into gun."

The table is quiet. Except for Jax, "Assuming they let it "slip" as the only warning the clubs getting that it's on their radar. "

"Agreed." Chibs counters, "I think they quite liked the money and relative safety they had last time. Brown's been dealing and mueling but it's at a price. More attention to the traffic from DEA. Irish been getting jumpy for a long time."

"You think they want the sons back in guns?" Jax asks incredulously.

"I do. Alvarez and the Mayans have been good enough, but can't get out the volume we did. Might have to send out a meet to Malone and make sure to set the record straight."

"Connor Malone?" Bobbie questions. "Thought he disappeared with Galen?"

"Last I heard from Stockton, after O'shay, Connor stepped up to run state side." Jax offered.

"How you wanna handle this?" Tig asks.

"I'm thinking we keep it simple. Me and Jax meet with Malone explain the situation."

"Look, I know you want to keep it all kosher here, but I'm not going on any type of meet and greet with Malone." Jax says. The entirety of the table turns to him. He's always been one to question authority, even the club president, but this is direct defiance.

Chibs want to scream at his bullheaded brother but knows it's the wrong approach, "I'm sure ya don't but I doubt very much he's going to believe the truth, the whole truth," he says pointedly at Jax "without hearing it all from you."

The have a heated staring match and the table looks on uncomfortably, unsure of what exactly is transpiring. "Fine. One meet. That's it."

"Juicy find me a contact number for Connor."

"I'll help him." Tig adds.

After that the gavel is slammed and the room clears Jax is out the door before anyone. When he's almost at his car he hear footsteps behind him. He turns to find Bobby close on his heels.

'You'll never know how good it is to see you back in that room brother." Bobby says. "Must be a big change being on the outside again."

Jax has no response. He pulls out a cigarette. He hasn't smoked in years but he's picked up the bad habit again since being back in charming.

Bobby accepts the offer and lights up his own. The two lean against Jax's car and smoke. It's getting late and the clubhouse if filling up with crow eaters and loud music. Some things never change.

"I don't know Bobby." Jax says, "I can't stand to be in the same room as that son of a bitch."

"Tara?" is the only response.

"Of course."

"It takes a lot to deal with a spouse on the inside for any amount of time, but 10 years, that's a whole other ball game." Jax looks at him. "I'm not saying it right brother, but a whole world evolved outside those bars. Don't do anything to get yourself put back behind them."

Jax wants to tell Bobby everything. That he got out, that he didn't know Tara was pregnant, but he knows it will sound like he's throwing himself a pity party after he put himself in this situation. He wants to tell him that he's not a member of this club anymore. However the only two people left alive in his life that he respected had been Chibs, and Bobby. He knows right now Bobby is all he has left and he doesn't want to ruin it.

He watches as Bobby puts out his cigarette and walk back inside. He leans against his car for another few minutes and watches the festivities when Chibs walks up from the garage.

"You are welcome to join?"

"You didn't tell anyone that I've been out?"

"Nah. Not my place. Your story is yours to tell." He pats Jax on the shoulder and head into the clubhouse. Jax puts out his cigarette and gets into his car and drives off the lot.

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

Two days ago when he'd agreed to this damn meet with IRA he'd forgotten how not simple these meets were. He's been standing in the clubhouse for what seems like forever while the guys set up where they will be. The small meeting between Jax, Chibs, and Malone of course won't just be the three. The Irish will have their men and coverage and thus so will the Sons. He knows it's been a long time for the club and the excitement from the men involved is palpable. They all have their instructions and their weapons and even Happy actually seems happy today. There is after all a small chance he might get to kill someone and add another happy face tattoo. It's been a while and Jax knows he must be itching for some illegal activity.

"Jax," Juice approaches. "I've been meaning to talk to you. It's good to have you back, and I wanted to tell you about this guy, a friend that I think might be a good prospect. I know we haven't had a lot of new members, but he's definitely a guy you want in your arsenal."

A confused Jax responds, "Do I look like your president?" he laughs it off.

"I mean we all just assumed when you got out…" he trails off

"Don't assume Juice. I'm not the president, I'm not even a office holder."

"But you, I mean, it's the Sons Jax."

"I'm aware man, but things have changed." Jax says vaguely. It's not public knowledge that he's no longer part of the club, and he's not itching for that conversation, though he knows it's coming, he also knows it won't end in hugs and puppies.

"Lock and load my brothers." Tigs yells. All around Jax the men pull out and check their weapons, then replace them back in their respective hiding spots.

Jax pulls out his .38 and checks to make sure it all sets. He tucks it back into the back of his jeans before covering it with his hoodie. As everyone gets on their bikes and the roar of motorcycle engines begins to leave the lot he can see the weary glances from some of the clubs members. He's not going on a bike, and he's not wearing a kutte. He knows many of them will rationalize that not wearing his leather is to throw off Malone. Still it's not the only time, of the very few instances he's been in the clubhouse since he's been back that he's not been wearing it.

As he turns to get in his car and follow the club he's stopped by Happy, "Jax…" says the man who usually says so little, "thought your might need these." He tosses Jax a set of keys, a kutte and a semi automatic weapon.

Jax catches all three. He takes the gun and sets it in his back set before tossing the rest back to Hap. "Think I got all I need. Thanks."

He watches the tall, bald man in his rear view as he pulls out of the lot. He's pretty sure the keys were for one of the extra bikes the club always kept around. He knows the mans expression is stoic as always, but he feels like he can literally feel the anger coming from Happy. He's just refused his clubs rocker and bike, and he knows it won't be long before there will be hell to pay.

I'm a broken man, I'm full of sin
I'm sick of all this hell that I'm livin' in
I can't escape it – this is how it feels
When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills
You tore me down and wished that I was dead
Said you wanna sleep alone in another bed
But when I push you away, you only pull me closer
It's only over when we both wanna say it's over
I gotta change – this is not who I am
I wanna start over, wanna try this again
You're everything I need, everything I'm not
So pull the trigger give me one more shot

The IRA meet and greet ends the only way it can with the Irish, in bullets. Connor has his own ideas about what he wants to work with SAMCRO. Words were exchanged, guns were pulled and bullets reigned. He knows killing at least a few of their men means Irish retaliation, and hitting Chibs doesn't sit well with the club.

One of the prospects rides Chibs bikes back to TM while Chibs rides in the van with other. The guys all follows back to the clubhouse, Jax as well in his car. He parks and before he's even out the door he sees Tara running from inside as they pull Chibs from the van. He's not conscious and appears to still be losing a large amount of blood despite the pressure being applied.

He watches her follow the prospects inside, no doubt to use those medical skills she's had to leave behind. Just one more thing he knows she's lost because of him. He want to leave, to avoid what he knows is coming. Malone had dropped the bomb that Jax hasn't been in prison in years.

"It's been 7 years since your release from Stockton and since you been in Charming, so it begs the question Why? Why come back now? Why go away at all, unless to build something bigger and better then you've had before, to build a pipeline to Oregon. Isn't that where you've been all this time? Oregon? "

Not long after that is when the gunplay began so he hasn't had to answer for that, but he can't bring himself to leave until he knows Chibs is ok. It would kill Charlie if something happened to him so he has to know.

He's still outside smoking, yet another pack down. He's crushed the empty package. One turned to two, and now two packs down he can almost forget he ever stopped smoking. As much as it frustrates him he knows he'll stop and buy another pack on the way one. Fucking Charming.

He's leaning on the hood of the car staring at the roof of the clubhouse. Part of him wants to climb up there, look out over the city of Charming. He can almost hear Opie "I got this." He knows he's never been the same since losing his best friend. It wrong on so many levels to know that Donna and Opie are gone, that his kids are being raised by Lyla. Kenny must be 17 or 18 by now and Ellie 16 or 17. He makes himself a promise that he'll go see them all before he leaves.

His quiet reflecting is cut short though by a violent shove off of the hood by Happy. "What the fuck is he talking about man!" He stalks towards a shocked Jax followed closely by Tig, Juice and Bobby.

Bobby, though half Hap's size stand between the two as he realizes that Jax isn't backing down.

"What the fuck man!?" Jax says.

"Woah, calm down Happy. Let's just take a second and talk about this" Bobby, as always attempting to be the voice of reason.

"My pres is in there getting a bullet pulled out of his chest! What is Malone talking about?" Happy yells. It's the most syllables that Jax has heard from him at one time since he's met him.

"Jax?" Bobby says.

"He's Lying. He's gotta be lying. Jax would never …" Juice offers but is cut short.

"It's true." Jax says. All the men quiet and stare in his direction. "Lowen got me out after 2 years. I needed to change something. I needed to change me, so when I got out I left Charming and the Sons behind me. I moved to Oregon, that's where I've been the last 7 year."

"Son of a bitch." Tig says and moves towards him. Bobby doesn't make any move to get between the men now and Tig's fist connects with Jax's jaw. Once, only once before Jax has already taken control of the fight and pinned the man to back of his car. The two are yelling and struggling and Tig pulls his gun as Juice tries to pull them apart.

"Get out." The words are said with such a command of authority that the two men stop. All eyes turn to Bobby. Still standing in the same spot he opens the door to Jax's car and says, "You turn down the keys to a bike, you turn down your leather, and now our President, the one who didn't run from this club needs the support of his brother. His family."

Jax lets Tig go, and he walks toward the open door. "Bobby…"

"Your father may have wanted something different from this club then what it became, but it's always been one thing he did intend. A family… of which you are no longer a member. He would be so disappointed in you Jackson. There are better ways to leave behind your family then to hide from them. So now you don't have to hide. You are no longer welcome on this lot. Get out."

Jax starts his car and drives off the lot. He never meant to hurt anyone, but that's exactly what he's done. He knows that he'll be buying a lot more then just cigarettes tonight. He needs something to dull the pain and give him just a few minutes of solace from all the fucked up things going on in his life.

I'm a broken man, I'm full of sin
I'm sick of all this hell that I'm livin' in
I can't escape it – this is how it feels
When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills
You tore me down and wished that I was dead
Said you wanna sleep alone in another bed
But when I push you away, you only pull me closer
It's only over when we both wanna say it's over
I gotta change – this is not who I am
I wanna start over, wanna try this again
You're everything I need, everything I'm not
So pull the trigger give me one more shot

It's almost 3 am when a knock on his door wakes Jax from his sleep. Opting to lay off the alcohol and avoid a wicked hangover he'd decided on some purple kush to help dull the ache. The knocking continues and he gets up off the couch where he's been sleeping. He looks through the peephole to see Tara.

He open the door but before he invites her in she pushes past him, "What the hell Jackson!? Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with what happened to Filip"

"Does it even matter what I say?" He responds still feeling the high from smoking and tired of it all.

"Of course it does! "

There's a moment of silence as the two stand there, Tara taking in the room and Jax taking in Tara.

"Is he going to be ok?" He asks.

"Yes. He'll be fine. Shoulder shot, got out the bullet. He's gonna be in a shit load of pain but he'll heal." She says. "What happened tonight Jax?"

He sits down on the sofa, "IRA thinks I'm here to get the Sons back into gun, or WANTS them back in guns. Didn't take too kindly to the club declining his muling offer. He didn't respect that I'm not in the club and Chibs is president. Refused to talk any business with him and pulled his gun. Shot Chibs and I think you can imagine the rest."

Tara, who has been standing walks over to the sofa and picks up the pipe off the coffee table. She holds a lighter to the small ball on the end and inhales the smoke. She exhales and tokes up again before offering the pipe to Jax who declines. She takes a third hard hit then puts it down and leans back on the sofa.

"Sometimes I want to just wake up tomorrow and be back in high school." She says as she closes her eyes. "I mean my dad was an ass but I thought I knew what my whole life was going to be."

"Tell me." He says.

She opens one eye to look at him then closes it again. "Easy. I was going to graduate from Charming High as valedictorian, go to some prestigious medical school, get my medical degree, and become a surgeon, a pediatric surgeon. Help tiny people. Save lives. Marry you, maybe have a kid or two and live in New York City. I was gonna work at a hospital and you were going to own a bar."

He smiles at her. She's so beautiful and he's so angry with her, so hurt by her love for Chibs but she's still Tara. He doesn't know how she's going to handle it if he continues with his petition for custody. "I was going to own a bar huh?"

"Yep and we were gonna have a nice size loft apt that had room for us and our kids and an extra room for Gemma and Clay to visit. That is until I got promoted to Chief of Surgery and then we'd buy a house in the suburbs."

"Sounds nice." He watches as she opens her eyes.

"Never did I imagine that this would be my life. An old lady, but not an old lady. In the middle of a custody battle with you over our kids that I never wanted to NOT be a part of your life. Worrying about the man I'm in a relationship with because he's been shot in a meeting with real IRA and sitting here getting high with the man who abandoned me."

There is a silence that's heavy in the air. He doesn't want to think that what he did was abandon them, doesn't want to think that he hid from the cub. Part of him knows though that, that is exactly what he did. He didn't come back as soon as he should have at lest to her and his family. Now she's in love with another man and his club is no doubt going to hold a mayhem vote, so Tara may have nothing to worry about with custody.

"You want to hear something crazy?" She laughs.

"Sure."

"As bad as today was. As angry as I was and scared for Filip, I was also was thrilled at the high it gave me. Can't even compare to this." She motions toward the pipe. "I got to remove a bullet from a mans shoulder. I used surgical tool. I cleaned the area, and used sutures. I was almost happy someone got hurt." She stands to leave. "How fucked up am I?"

She takes a step but begins to falter. Jax gets up, "I don't think you're in any condition to drive."

"Me neither." She says. "You got any fruity pebbles?" She goes to check the pantry and Jax gets some sheets and blanket from the linen closet and makes up the couch for Tara. "Is that for me?" She says as she comes back with a bowl of what looks like the captn crunch he just bought.

"Yes it's for you."

She sits down on the newly made up couch and he sits in the chair. "Just give Bobby and rest of the guys some time." He looks up at her questioning. "I saw the whole thing. You gotta know they're just hurt Jax. Give them some time." She yawns and sets her empty bowl on the coffee table. She lays down on the cough and covers herself with the blanket.

Before Jax can say anything else she's asleep. He takes her bowl into the kitchen and puts it in the sink. He calls the prospect that's with the kids and asks him to stay the night. Walking past the couch on the way to his room Tara sits up, "I didn't let go of you easily. I fought for you. I didn't just throw you away and move on over night. I'm sorry."

She lays back down and in only seconds Jax can hear the change in the rhythm of her breath. He walks into his room and closes the door. She offered an apology, but all he can hear is her saying she didn't let go of him easily, because all that means is that she let him go.

She let him go.

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

And we fly...
Fly into outer space
I float away but you're my gravity
Die to love another day
We rise again and lose our gravity

*Lyrics from Gravity by Papa Roach