Oh my goodness! It's been so long since my last post. I promise I am trying. I love this story and I miss being able to have a life of any kind that is about anything I want. So it is with great appreciation that I want to thank you ALL for continuing to read this, and sending me encouraging messages, and critiquing, good and bad. They all give me life. Yes, I have some grammatical errors, and missing words etc. I hope you all still enjoy it and get the point. I'm doing the best I can.

This story is almost done. Only a few more chapters. I wrote before that I was thinking about doing a pick your own ending, with a couple of different endings, my wife has told me I'm a sell out if I do that lol and I should pick one and go with it. I say I can see merit in both endings, so I ask you my readers… what do you think? One ending.. that's my story and I'm sticking to it, or let you choose the ending you want and write both?

I, as always, am anxiously awaiting your responses.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sons of Anarchy, or any of it's characters. Thanks as always to Kurt Sutter and FX for entertaining us and letting me play with your ideas.

Chapter 18 – Half Alive

It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

The gunshot sound reverberates from inside the house to the surrounding area. Jax and Chibs, for the first time in their entire lives don't run head first into the action. Both men are frozen in place, both just a step off their dynas. For the first time in their entire lives the men are scared. That sound means only one thing. They are too late, that Tara, the kids, or both have been shot by Malone. The brief stop last mere milliseconds of their lives, but it could mean the worst possible thing and neither man is prepared for that. They glance at one another, both too afraid to speak and begin their military like directions to the rest of the men arriving to surround the house. Neighbors peek out from inside the safety of their homes but none come out and none call the police. No need. Whatever violence is about to ensue is being handled by SAMCRO.

Chibs and Jax enter the home in complete silence, and find the inside is devoid of any sounds as well. It breaks Jax's heart to know it was him returning home to find Tara that may have cost her, her life. If only he would have left well enough alone. Sure he would have been without his family, but they would have been alive to have a family, a life, even if it was with Chibs. He could have sent a letter. Called the club house, but he had to see his hometown for himself. See if it had changed in all years since his absence. It hadn't. His life with Tara flashes before him:

Tara - I asked Dr. Namid if I could assist. I wanna help your son.

Tara - We don't know who we are until we're connected to someone else. We're just better human beings when with the person we're supposed to be with. I wasn't supposed to leave...I belong here.

Jax - Do you love me? It's a simple question.
Tara - It's not a simple answer.

Jax - You shoulda gone back to Chicago. The shit that happened with Kohn, that shoulda been the end.
Tara - You're not making sense.
Jax - This has to be the end. You gotta get out, from Charming...Away from me. It's simple. You don't belong here.

Tara - I sacrificed everything for you. I have tried to see what you see how you see it but I can't. All I see is the lies and the violence and how it's changed you. Turned you into a monster.

Tara - I'll die if I have to. At least I know I tried to save them from becoming what you are.

Moving with precision, Chibs takes the cover offered by Jax and moves into his kitchen. He flashes on the many mornings he's shared with her and kids here in Jax's absence:

Tara - How come you make living here with you so easy?

Filip - It's ma secret love. I'm tryin to make ye stay forever.

Tara - Can this be real?

Filip - It can be as real as ya want mo grah. Or it can be nothing at all. I know your history.

Tara - And if I want it to be real?

He leans in and kisses her again, this time allowing himself to show her more emotion,

Filip - Then I promise you and the kids won't ever be alone again. It's your choice, love.

Filip - So, what are ya saying here girl?

Tara - I'm saying yes.

Charlie - Daddy….

Tara - Did she?!

Filip - Holy shite.

He never imagined he could have been that happy. He can see her smiling at him over her shoulder as he kisses her forehead after coming home for the day. He can smell the food cooking. Wait, is that smoke? It's real food he can smell burning. He sees the kitchen is empty and rushes in to turn off the oven, but stops short of opening the oven door. Releasing the smoke will set off the alarms and neither he nor Jax want anyone around to witness what they are about to do to Connor Malone.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

Taking turn after turn the two men clear the dining room and living room and begin to head down the hall. Chibs clears the first bedroom and Jax rushes ahead of him, and stops dead in his tracks. Chibs too stops and fears the worst as Jax lowers his weapon, blood still running down his wounded arm.

These two Sons have known each other for many years. They've been many incarnations of family and friends. They've been confidants, and brothers, and equals. They are family, and never has it been more obvious. Two fiercely strong men working to save the family and woman they love. Working together, all their shit forgotten, a single purpose in mind. The silence in the house may have been a hindrance to many, but the years of fealty has made them a well-oiled machine. They innately trust one another with their lives, so when Chibs sees the pain in Jax's face he knows everything is about to change for them both.

Then he hears Jax speak. He can't make out the words at first, the sound of his own heart beating is downing out all other sounds. He watches Jax enters the room slowly and begins to follow and even in his heightened state what he sees brings tears to his eyes.

Tara looks up at Jax, pleading for help. She is on the ground, kneeling over of a dead Malone as she tries to talk the smoking gun out of Abel's hands. He looks at Jax with a mix of pride and fear. "I saved mom. You told me it was my job to take care of her." He says.

Jax approaches Abel. "I did, and I'm very proud of you." He says calmly, as he slowly puts his hand on the barrel of the gun and removes his eldest sons finger that lingers on the trigger. He takes the gun and passes it behind him to Chibs who wipes the gun down and puts it in his jacket.

"Charlie and Thomas are in your room mom." Abel says. He's calm and it scares Jax to think may have passed his ability to compartmentalize this type of violence on to his son.

Chibs runs past them and into the bedroom. Charlie and Thomas are huddled in the closet. Reaching out desperately for safety. He picks them both up and returns to the first room to find Jax and Tara holding on to Abel and each other for dear life. He loves everyone in this room so much it kills him to know that they've all been though so much pain, but right now he knows he's only got so much time left before Jarry isn't able to keep the cops out of this mess and he has to get rid of the gun and what's left of Connor. He interrupts the embrace only to tell them he needs to clear the room.

Jax lets Wicked Willie take Tara and the kids out to her car and back to the safety of the clubhouse. He and his brother look down at the Irish man's body, "I'm kind of sorry we didn't get to have a little fun with the bastard." Jax says.

Chibs chuckles, "If ye can't ate, drink it, or ride it, shite on it."

The current president nods at the prospects behind them, and he and Jax move out of the way while the other men take away the body and begin to clean the room of any evidence of violence. He calls Jarry and finds she cleared the area and there won't be any sheriffs on the scene. All she asks is if it's done.

"Aye." He answers shortly before hanging up.

Outside he walks over and sits on his bike, glancing over at Jax, who sits in silence. "None of this was your fault brother."

"You think you know what I'm thinking?" Jax responds with a half smile.

"Aye. The same thing I would if it were me, but Malones been trying for a while to get the sons back into the game and he used you and your family to try and make that happen. Guarantee he would have tried anyway."

"Our family." Jax says as he looks solemnly at his fellow SON. "As mush as I wish things were different, she's in love with you." Filip nods slightly. "Our family, is safe, with you, here in Charming."

"And where do you think you're going brother?"

"Home. It's too hard to be here. I'm not giving up on my kids, but I can't take them away from you or her."

"Thank you." Chibs says.

Jax pushes the start button and the engine roars to life. He buckles his helmets and nods to Chibs, "Tell her I said goodbye."

Chibs and the prospects pull into the TM lot about an hour later. He can hear children's laughter and sees the kids playing on the swing set. Apparently none too worse for wear over what happened earlier. He stands and watches Charlie take over. She always thinks she knows what right. Just like her ma. Tara is standing in the open door of the club, watching the men as they all hug or offer their condolences. Tara has been the mother hen of this band of misfit boys for a while now and they all love her.

She's trying not to be concerned. Trying not to let today create a fear in her over their lives, but its not working. She nods at the smiles offered by each man, but can't take her eyes off the lone man still by his bike. Filip Telford, Scotsman, Son, father, lover, friend and family. He's been everything to her in her lifetime, and he's been an amazing father to her children when theirs couldn't be. He's watching the kids and the smile that plays lightly on his lips is one of pride, and love for Thomas, Abel and Charlie. He loves them so much. He loves her.

Quickly her eyes begin to scan the lot again. All of the sons that accompanied Jax and Chibs to her house have made their way inside. She can hear the laughter and clinks of beer bottles and shot glasses as they drink to their success today. She looks again. Chibs is still alone and the lot is empty. One bike is missing.

Chibs walks over and pulls Tara into a warm, strong embrace. He wants to hold her forever, but now is not the time.

"He's leaving." He says as she pulls back in question. "Told me to tell you goodbye."

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

And you touch my hand ever so slightly
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...

She is stunned. Even with all that he has changed over the years this seems so out of character for Jax. She searches the eyes of the man before her. "I have to go…" she trails off. She can see the hurt written all over his face, but she can't just let Jax leave. She can't just let him disappear again.

"I know." He nods as she runs to her waiting car and drive furiously off the lot and to Jax.

She knows she's driving recklessly, but she also knows that if she doesn't make it in time Jax will have left the house and Charming behind. Her breaks squeal to stop just in time to stop him from backing out of the drive.

"Jesus Christ Tara." He says.

"Get out of car." She says as she jumps from hers and walks towards him.

"I got a long drive ahead, we'll work out the kids later." He tries to brush her off.

She is having none of it and demands, "Get. Out. Of. The. Car." He still sits there and she reaches in and unlocks and opens the car door. He finally turns the ignition off and gets out.

"Tara…" He begins.

"Shut up." She says. "Inside." She stands aside and ushers him back inside the house he just locked up. She waits until the door shuts behind her before turning around and slapping him across the face.

He takes the hits and gently strokes his cheek. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You can here looking for me. You found me. You found the boys and Charlie, and Filip and the Sons and you shake up everyone's entire world and then you just think you can slink off into the night without even a goodbye?!"

She's mad, and hurt. "How can you do this to us again?" She pleads.

The sadness in her voice breaks him. He sits at the table, pushing out a chair opposite his with his foot for her to sit. She does. "I didn't come here to fuck everything up Tara. I was coming to try and fix the mess I'd already made of our life. How arrogant was I? I didn't need to fix anything. You fixed your life without me. You got a good life here with Chibs and the kids. I don't want to cause anymore problem then my just being here has done."

"But how could leave without saying goodbye?"

He sighs. She doesn't understand, and that's ok. "How am I suppose to look into the eyes of those amazing little people, how am I suppose to look into your eyes, and say goodbye? God damn it Tara, I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. I don't want to go, but I can't stay and watch you love someone else."

"It's called being a parent Jax. You make the hard decision. You tell the truth, and you follow through on your word. You've been an amazing father. You love your kids you just made some bad choices for yourself. Lord knows I'm no saint, but I wouldn't want us to be. Maybe we don't tell them everything we've done in our lives, but we tell them we've made mistake, and look how we kept going and look how nothing broke us. Look how we are still here."

She knows he's scared. His whole world changed from the moment he went inside, and even more the moment he came to Charming. He's going home a single father of three. "You love them, I know you do and I know things with you and me and complicated, to say the least, but…" she pauses. She doesn't know what to day. Complicated isn't even the right word.

"I love you Jackson. I've loved you since I was 15 years old. I have always, always loved you. You know that."

"It's ok. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel, like I feel when I'm with you. The act of being in love with you is enough for me. You're off the hook Tara." He says. He stands, "Come on. Lets go say goodbye to the kids before I leave?" He holds out his hand for hers.

Tara, takes his hand. The hand of the man she's loved for most of her life, the father of her children. It never fails to give her chills, and he's let her off the hook, for loving someone else, for moving on. The bad boy she's always known has grown into a man she hardly recognizes. For the first time she realizes she may not want to be let off the hook. She doesn't know what to say for the first time in her life, and allows him to usher her out of the house and follows her back to TM to see the kids and his brothers.

And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.

Tara holds a crying Charlie, while Chibs holds Thomas who is trying, like his big brother to not shed a tear as Jax drives away. Tear and hugs passed all around the clubhouse. Jax, is out of the Sons of Anarchy, and it didn't kill him. Even though they decided that the kids would come stay the summer with him, and they would celebrate the holidays as one family, it feels like the end of era to Tara. The car turned out on to the street and the kids are already restless. The sun is setting quickly and they know their playtime is coming to an end. Tara sets then down and lets them run back to the playground.

She is lost is thought, her head and heart have always been in constant battle. She's known for so long who it is she really belongs with, but it scares her to make that choice. She looks to Chibs and he too looks lost in thought, a tear slips down his cheek and he brushes it away quickly.

"Filip?" She asks.

"I tried so hard to keep the sons on the straight and narrow. Keep our noses clean. I never wanted this for you or them."

"I'm ok, Filip. The kids are ok."

He looks down into her eyes, amazed that she's so strong, so resilient. "Marry me."

Tara is shocked, but the look in his serious face tells her that it's not just about today. Not because he almost lost them, but because he simply loves them.

"I know I'm not a young man Tara, but in all my life I don't know if I ever loved anyone more. I love you girl, and I love Charlie and the boys. You are my family. Marry me." He says it in almost a whisper, the weight of his words falling with every sound.

Marry me. She hears it over and over in her mind. She knows the papers that show the final dissolution of marriage lay in an envelope on her table; she saw them at Jax's house earlier. He had left them on the counter in his kitchen when he packed to leave. She knows the reason, without even asking him why he didn't take them. It's too painful to see the official seal of the court, to see in writing that they didn't make it work.

"Marry me." He says again.

I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight

Lyrics – Half Alive by Secondhand Serenade