Hello again, everyone… so I actually got a full night to myself and guess what I did? Yep that's right I spent it writing! I have completed the story. So I will admit something here that I will never admit in real life… MY WIFE WAS RIGHT. No one tell her I said that. I needed to stick with my original vision for this story which for me was really hard since I'm usually not one for happy endings.. lol but I did it. I wrote a .. well, semi happy one here. My love and passion for one of my favorite ships of all time winning out.

This is chapter 19, there is one final chapter.. #20 that's I'm currently editing, and is short and gives us a brief glimpse into 10 years into the furutre. Hopefully I can get some time again today to finish editing and will post ASAP to complete this story.

Once again, I want to thank everyone reading this. I mean.. everyone. I'm thankful that you've taken the time out of your lives to read even a few sentences of what I spilled out onto the pages here. So, without further adieu.. here we go…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Thank you FX and Kurt Sutter, in every way.

Chapter 19 – Freebird

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.

The drive back to Oregon is long and lonely. Freebird blares through the speakers of Jax's Charger, attempting to clear his mind of the last few months. It had all started as a simple, selfish want, to see Tara again. To hold his children in his arms and a dream that his family could be resurrected from the ashes of a life in ruins. It ended, much as it began, with a memory of life left behind, and a time he couldn't recapture.

The open road in a car is much like a bike, at a certain speed it all blurs. Everything becomes about the immediate, and if he's honest with himself that's about all he can handle right now. Thinking about everything he's left behind in Charming is too painful. Thinking about the days in the future he will have without Tara and his children is unbearable and he longs to feel the chill of the air from astride a motorcycle to help him forget. He decides that when he gets home the first thing he's going to do is buy a bike. Something he can rebuild, to occupy his mind and free his soul. That is a part of him he will never let go.

He pulls into his garage and leaves what few belongings he's brought back from Charming in the car. Maybe in a few days he'll deal with it. For now, he needs the immediate. He opens the windows to air out his house that's been closed up all this time. He throws out the spoiled food in the fridge, and calls his shop manager to give him the day off tomorrow since the man has more then stepped up in his absence. He writes himself a note to give the man a raise.

He checks his phone, already a message from the kids. They all take their turns saying goodnight on the voicemail. It breaks his heart. He sits on the bed in his room. Alone. Never before, has this house felt so empty. In the years before his brief return to Charming it had always been filled with hope. Rooms left empty for when his boys filled them, drawers left unfilled for Tara to fill once she was there.

He glances at the laundry basket he's left filled with clean folded laundry. He'd been to excited to head out to put them away. He pulls open one of the consistently empty drawers and begins to fill it with his clothes. He's trying to hide his pain and disappointment, even from himself, but when he catches sight of himself in the dresser mirror he sees the bag under his eyes from lack of sleep, the new creases in his eyes from worry, and hardness he hasn't seen in his jaw since he left Stockton, and Charming behind. He also sees the picture of him and Tara he's kept there every single day. It's a selfie they took while sneaking away to a field for a few moments of together time before things with Clay and the Irish took a shit.

He is overcome with all the emotions he's had to push aside to do what needed to be done. It almost didn't seem real. He hadn't held a gun or worn a kutte in years and yet the amount of blood on his hands still hadn't worn off. He would bear the stamp of all the lives he's taken for the rest of his life, and now he had lost hope. If not for his children Jax knew it would be easy to lose this new, better version of himself he'd worked so hard at creating.

Jax stares the eyes of the man in mirror and knows it's going to be one step at a time. He takes down the picture and pulls out his wallet and adds the newest pictures of Thomas, Abel and Charlie. He will focus on them and make sure he can be someone they can be proud to call, dad. He heads to the bathroom to shave off the beard that Charming had grown on him.

But if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows I can't change.

The Oregon winter is colder this year or at lest that's how it seems. Best thing about the cold is that it always brings more business into the shop. You can go without air in the summer but you sure as hell can't go without heat, and if you can afford it you don't dare take public transportation. It's already hard enough to navigate the sludge and snow of the season with snow tires, but walking a mile to a bus stop and waiting in the biting cold is horrible. His first year in Klamath Falls Jax did exactly that, so he makes sure cars that come into the garage get fixed and back out there as soon a possible. If not for Wally, the previous owner who took Jax under his wing, he may have frozen to death trying to get to and from work every day.

There were days it was hard to believe that Wally was gone. That he was so fortunate to have met him and shared in his life and wisdom. He wonders what's he would have said about Tara. He shakes his head and checks off another date on his calendar. Only a few more months and he's have the kids here for the summer.

As he works his way through winter and into spring, the melting snow gives him something he hasn't felt in a long time. It gives him back hope. He talks to the kids every day. He's only talked to Tara once, after Charlie and said that mommy and daddy were getting married. He congratulated her. The wedding would be the end of June, right after school got out, right before the kids went to Jax. After that he made sure to hang up before either of them could get back on the phone, he couldn't take it.

June came around quicker them Jax had imagined it could. It was a time he had waiting anxiously on, but also a time he wanted to ignore. He waited each day to hear the kids talk about the wedding plans, or god forbid get an invitation in the mail. He hoped they both knew better then to think he would actually attend something that would kill him. Thankfully either or Tara or Chibs advised the kids not to talk about it so he was in the dark about that, and gratefully so. He didn't know if he could hear details and not lose his mind and heart.

Bye, bye, baby, it's been a sweet love, yeah,
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it so badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.

The summer day was coming to a breezy and lazy close. The shop had been dead since yesterday morning. It was the summer slump and Jax knew it meant nothing. He had been using the down time to use the garage to rebuild a soft tail he bought. It was coming alone nicely. He had also used his time to open a Harley dealership and had become the biggest one in the state. His knowledge, and the whispers of his past and possible connection to the Sons of Anarchy Oregon MC brought in all types of clientele hoping to catch a glimpse, or say they bought something from him. A local MC, Comrades in Arms, a military motorcycle club he found knew his father. Something he found comfort in. Learning about the man from someone that wasn't Gemma or Clay made for interesting stories. He began to realize just how like his father he was. How much he wanted to be.

He stands in the office and shouts out to his workers, "Take off guys. I'm closing up early." Tomorrow he picks up the kids from the airport. He hasn't spoken to Tara at all in months. They kept each other abreast of the kids' goings on by text. He watches his guys head out and grabs his phone to text Tara. She still hasn't sent him the flight information.

He locks the door behind him and checks the dock doors on each bay to make sure the guys locked up their end. Turning he heads to his flat black HD soft tail to head home. He locks the gate behind him and takes the long way home. He knows that if it hasn't happened already, by the time the kids get here tomorrow Tara will be married. As usual he's had women come on to him, some were married, some were single. Some wanting a serious relationship, some just a quick and fun roll in the hay, but he didn't have the desire to even pay attention to any of them. In another life he knows he would have lost himself in each of them, taking the moments to try and distance himself from his pain, but it hadn't worked even then:

Jax: You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last 10 years?

Tara: Don't do this…

Jax: Hundreds! Maybe more, I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely. Because I got tired of the endless disconnect. It was just a sad time-out. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see. When you came home, it was like some kind of sign to me. Like my past coming around to give me another shot to do this different; better. And now that chance is running back to Chicago.

Maybe he should have just let her go all those years ago. Maybe it would have been easier. He's been riding for hours when he stops to check his phone and grab some food. There's several missed calls and messages from Tara. "plans have changed. call me." the text reads.

He can't believe his eyes. Call her? Plans have changed?! He's getting angry already. He's waited for months to see his kids again, and now the day before he's supposed to finally see them she's changing plans! He presses redial on the phone. There's no answer from Tara or Chibs phone. He's been planning on this visit, decorating the kids rooms, planning fun things to do like Ariel Tram or the Museum of Science and Industry, days lounging in the pool and having BBQs in the backyard. He tries her again. Still no answer. He's fuming now, trying to keep in under control. He tosses the food he hadn't even had a chance to take one bite of. He's lost his appetite.

Jax pops the ignition and the engine fills the streets with a rumble. He smiles at a few high school girls watching from their seats at the burger joint before pulling off, as they giggle. He heads home. He doesn't think the general public needs to witness the fight that's about to occur. His kids are all he has left. He turn the corner of his block, seeing red though his sunglasses. The setting sun is at a blinding angle and he pulls into his drive barely noticing his surrounding.

Kickstand down, Jax steps off his bike and takes off his helmet.

"I though you said I could help you rebuild it." He hears the voice behind him and turns startled.

Able, looking every bit a young man now, stands next to Thomas who is holding his favorite dinosaur. Behind them he sees Tara, leaning against her Cutlass. No mom van in site, he can clearly make out the baby seats in the back. Charlie squirms in Tara's arms as she sets her youngest down.

The little girl runs to Jax. "Daddy!" Jax scoops her up immediately holds her tightly as Thomas hugs his leg.

"Mom said we could come early." Says his eldest.

"I'll grab their things out of the trunk." Tara says.

Jax puts down the kids and runs over to help. Three large suitcases and few stuffed animals later they are inside. He shows Tara the kids rooms and lets them start unpacking their stuff as he walks towards the kitchen. She follows and stands in the doorway.

"Congratulation." He says with tight lips. They must have wanted to start the honeymoon early. He offers her a can of soda from the fridge.

"On?" She says as she opens the carbonated beverage with a pop.

There is silence for a few moments. Jax looks at face. She looks tense. Nervous. "Is something wrong?" He asks.

"No. Why?"

"That's your I've got something to say face."

She laughs briefly. "You remember my face that well?"

"I remember everything." He turns as he says the words. All he can thing about is that he hope she leaves quickly.

"You congratulated me, I assume about the wedding." When he doesn't respond, she continues, "I know how badly I've hurt you, how badly we've hurt one another. I know that's why you refused to talk to me all these months."

"I meant what I said before I left Tara. I just want you to be happy…"

She cuts him off. "God damn it Jax, when did you get all Zen?' She quips.

"I don't know what you want me to say here Tara."

She sets down her can and stand up and walks over to stand behind him. "I want you to say you love me." His back stiffens as he feels her so close and hears the words she saying. "I want you to hear me say I love you. That I couldn't marry him no mater how much I care about him because I couldn't stop loving you and he knew it. That it's been over for a while and it's always been you I've loved, that I was just too scared to tell you that and that I'm terrified that I'm too late." She pauses. Jax has yet to turn around.

"Mom, look at the back yard." Abel interrupts. He pulls open the sliding door and runs outside followed by his siblings. The moment is broken and the silence from Jax tells her everything she needs to know.

He stands at the counter, his back to his family as they head outside. He's frozen in this spot like superglue has rooted him to the linoleum.

He's still standing there when he hears Tara telling the kids she's leaving. She kisses them and Jax finally turns to face her. "Goodbye." She says and heads out to her car.

He looks at the kids who immediately run back outside to play. He can hear her engine turn over and it's like the rumble of the cutlass cuts the tie that were binding him in place. He can't let her drive away.

He sprints out the front door, just as she's getting out of the car and heading back in.

"Damn it Jax, don't let me drive away!"

He grabs her by the face and kisses her. It's a kiss that's he wanted to feel for years. Not one filled with sadness or goodbye. It's rough, and passionate, and filled with love and lust and he doesn't want it to end.

'Do you love me?" He asks as he pulls away. "It's a simple question."

"It's a simple answer." She says. "I let you walk away from me, because I wanted out, but I was sacred and lonely and I let myself find love and comfort in the club, but it always ends up the same. I end up the same. Sacred, wanting out, and still in love with you."

But if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And this bird you cannot change.
And this bird you cannot change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord, help me, I can't change.

Lord, I can't change.
Won't you fly high, free bird, yeah?

Lyrics - Freebird by Lynard Skynard