Hi all! Thanks so much for the reviews. Also, for the couple of you that had asked about Jay cheating, he never did. Chapter 3's following of him with the lady at the bar is how he would have acted with any women. Just really wanted to clear that up if anyone was worried. Anyways, enjoy!
Time seemed to be nonexistent. Moving neither forward or backwards. Stuck specifically between 10:00am and 11:00am as Jay stared aimlessly at the beige walls in Dr. Charles' room. Sessions were like hell on earth and he refused to speak besides the brief 'hello' and 'goodbye' that were offered when he came in for his appointments.
His eyes scanned over the walls repeatedly, memorizing every word on the pages posted up inside each of the framed certificates. Ignoring the gaze of the psychiatrist seated in front of him, he let the bounce of his knee and the dreary look in his eye signify that there was no chance he was talking—not today. As he let out a deep breath, his head fell against the cool leather back of the couch and his eyes drifted closed. Replaying memories of the conversation that got him here in the first place. The reason he refused to keep running. The reason he stayed in the apartment—stayed at home—instead of leaving once again to forget everyone and everything.
Erin. The baby—their baby.
A topic that was somehow undiscussed after the initial reveal three days ago. She had spent that night sobbing and he had spent the night reassuring her that he was going to stay— no more running, no more avoiding everything. Told her he was actually going to start sessions—and somehow Will had even managed to get him in with Dr. Charles the following day. But every time a serious discussion about the baby was started, it ended just as quick. Three days and two sessions later, they were no closer to discussing anything that had happened that night. No closer to discussing anything that would happen in the future.
A deep groan erupted from his chest. Reverberated through his throat as his eyes scanned over the clock once again. The small hand slowly creeping closer and closer to the next hour.
"You know; time wouldn't seem so to go by so slowly if you spoke." Dr. Charles said, his voice calm and soft as a smile played on his lips.
Jay shrugged, a soft chuckle leaving his lips as he crossed his arms timidly. "And what would we talk about?"
"Anything really. Let's start small, tell me something you did yesterday. Something that made you happy."
His brows furrowed in response as he eyed the time once again. Ten more minutes. Inhaling a sharp breath, he slowly exhaled. He knew there was no way to ignore the question, but he honestly didn't have an answer. Something that made him happy? Yesterday was spent with Will "not babysitting" him while Erin was at the district and then Erin "not babysitting" him when Will was at the hospital. This had become routine for them the past week, and it made him want to slowly rip his hair out. Each time they asked him how he was—each time they stared while they thought he wasn't paying attention, he just got more and more pissed off.
"Jay?"
He sighed, rubbing his hand across his forehead as he thought. "I don't know."
A raised eyebrow from Dr. Charles made Jay roll his eyes in response and shake his head. "I honestly don't know. Lately it's all been pretty rough."
"Fair enough." The doctor agreed, nodding over to Jay. His eyes drifted down to his watch and then back to the man sitting in front of him. "So when I see you Monday, I want you to be able to tell me something that has made you happy since today. Something— anything, that has genuinely brought you joy."
Jay nodded, standing from his spot on the sofa as he titled his head toward the door, eyebrow raised. Dr. Charles gave a silent nod in understanding before Jay turned and walked out of the small room. Took two steps into the waiting room before he was met with Erin's familiar gaze. Immediately she rose from her seat, walking to meet him as he took quick steps out into the hospital hallway.
"So…" Erin started as her gaze briefly traveled over to his before looking back toward the hall. And Jay exhaled loudly in return. "How did it go?"
The simple question made him roll his eyes, shrugging it off without a single word as he walked silently toward the elevator. Erin's eyes occasionally traveled over to study his face as they stood in silence, and then walked side by side out to the car.
As the car pulled out into busy lunch traffic, Erin's gaze traveled from the road to Jay and back again. Sighing, she focused back on the road. The annoyance in her voice evident as she spoke, "You never did answer my question."
He exhaled roughly before nodding in response as his gaze traveled over to her. Watched as she narrowed her eyes toward him before he rolled his eyes in irritation.
"How did it go?" she repeated firmly.
"It was fine, Erin. I'm fine. Drop it."
Jay was met with the sound of deep, hollow chuckling filling the small interior of the car. A noise he was used to only hearing inside of the district, during interrogations, throughout intense cases. Slamming on the breaks, Erin's hard eyes watched as Jay braced his hands on the dash at the abrupt stop, and her lips fell in a flat line as the sound of cars honking and horns blaring filled his ears as traffic zoomed around them.
Gaining some of his composure, Jay's eyes widened in shock before scanning his surroundings. Watching as cars passed and angry drivers looked in as realization hit that were stopped in the middle of the street in downtown traffic before turning his attention towards Erin. "What the fuck is wrong with you!? Have you lost your damn mind?"
"Me!? I've lost my mind?" Erin chuckled once again as her grip tightened around the steering wheel. "I try so hard to have a decent conversation with you, Jay. To actually get you to speak to me. I thought we were making at least a little progress here. I thought the other night meant we were getting somewhere!"
Taking in a deep breath her eyes met his once again as her voice grew harsher. "But no, no apparently I was wrong. Because every time I ask how you are, if you're okay—hell if you've had a nice nap, it's the same damn answer! It was fine. I'm fine. FINE!"
Her voice rose as the words rapidly spilled from her mouth, chest heaving as anger billowed out of her. Leaving Jay to watch, mouth agape as her volume increased. "Erin—"
"NO! No, Jay. You wanna say you're good? Good. You wanna say you're great? Great! You wanna say these sessions are the worst hour of your whole fucking life? Awesome! But, don't you dare sit there and tell me it was fine. That you're fine. Just—just don't."
Nodding slowly, Jay swallowed roughly as he processed her words. Brows furrowing as he stared down at her white knuckles gripped around the steering wheel as her gaze shifted to the traffic beyond the windshield. "Okay...okay."
The softness of his voice caught her attention and shifted her back to look toward him, her own brow raised in question. Clearing his throat, he met her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just—I want to be fine...to just move past this. And I…I just keep trying. So I guess it's easier to pretend that I already am, that everything's the same…that he's not—" the shrug of his should finished the sentence as he trailed off. Guided his attention back toward the passenger side window and pressed his face against the condensation forming against the chilled glass.
"I'm not fine." The words were whispered, cracking over each syllable as he mumbled into the glass before letting his eyes fall shut.
Erin nodded as she scanned over him and a small understanding smile fell onto her lips. "I know, Jay." Slowly she reached her hand over the middle council and rested her fingers over the denim covering his thigh, a gentle reminder that he wasn't alone. That she wasn't giving up—that she never had, and she never would.
The rest of the car ride was a blur as Erin followed the heavy flow of traffic back towards their apartment. Her eyes occasionally drifting from the road to Jay as she watched his intense gaze out the window. And before she knew it, she was once again leading the way up to their fourth floor apartment and stepping inside. Watching as Jay all-but-dragged himself across the floor to sit on the couch. Head resting against the pillowed back as his eyes scanned carefully over her as she removed her coat.
His gaze stayed transfixed on her fingers absentmindedly tracing the logo printed over the abdomen of her shirt as a large groan left her lips. "You okay?"
"Huh?" She met his concerned gaze in confusion as he dipped his head toward her. Nodded in silent question toward the small bump her hand had stilled over.
"Are you alright? Is everything okay?" he reiterated, tone cautious.
A small smirk passed across her lips as her hand once again sketched random patterns across her stomach. She looked down—eyeing her own movements in understanding before lifting her head once again to meet his watching eyes. Giving him one soft nod, she let the smirk grow into a full-on smile. "Yeah, yeah. I'm good."
He let out a large breath, body leaning into the cushion further as he relaxed at her words. "Erin –"
"I'm gonna take a quick shower." Her nervous smile scanned over Jay's face as she watched his eyes fall closed. "Try not to get into any trouble while I'm gone" she added, voice teasing but laced with unspoken fear.
His eyes immediately shot up as he opened his mouth to form some quick reply, but was immediately cut off by a small quirk of Erin's eyebrow and smirk planted across her lips. Shaking his head, Jay relaxed once again into the cushion as the muffled sound of the shower started behind him. Let his eyes drift slowly closed as he replayed the events of the session in his mind and the sound of the droplets guided him into a well-needed slumber.
His feet pounded forward, the hard cement digging into the soles of his shoes as the weight of the night's events tightened in on his chest. Breaths became labored with each step as he paced the entrance to the Emergency Department. Avoided the commotion around him as ambulances raced by, the muffled voices mixing around his mind with the ones replaying over and over from the past few hours.
His hand—still covered in dried blood—shook uncontrollably as he reached out to rake through his hair roughly as another tear slid down his face. Mixing effortlessly with the pool of them cascading down his cheeks. And then, his fingers stilled once again in front of his face as he examined it. Trembling hand slightly unfocused under his blurry gaze. But the crimson color pierced his eyes, making another loud sob echo through his chest as his knees buckled beneath him. As his legs went weak as hard sobs shuddered through his body and he crumpled to a heaping mess against the solid brick of the hospital entrance.
He sat, face buried deep within his knees as he curled himself into a tight ball, body shaking as the visions replayed through his mind. Bullets ricocheting through his brain as muffled sobs escaped his lips. Piercing crimson taunting him through his clenched eyelids as the overwhelming scent of iron filed his nostrils and invaded his mind. Until he felt the soft grip of a familiar hand around his head. Pulling his face against the warm embrace of her chest as he continued to replay the images over and over again. Hard sobs retching through him as Erin's grip around him increased and her soft voice fought to reach his ears.
They stayed like that—her gripping onto him, trying to ground him while he fought the images surging through him until muffled voices sounded over him, and Erin loosened her hold. Slowly standing as she brought him to his feet as well. Guiding him back inside, back toward everything—everyone.
He kept his eyes down, avoiding the weary eyes of the rest of the unit as they awaited the same news. As they sat silently praying for an outcome Jay knew was impossible to obtain. He swallowed roughly, taking a deep breath as he stepped into the waiting room. As familiar eyes landed on his in silent sympathy.
Anger built up inside of him as he observed their looks. As he watched their compassionate gazes as he stood there—completely unscathed. While two of their own were fighting for their lives because of him.
Taking another deep breath, he inched forward. His eyes landed on those of his brother and then of Dr. Rhodes.
Will took a cautious step forward as he turned away from the conversation with Connor. And then another step as he placed a gentle hand on Jay's shoulder before tightening his grip. Squeezing it for support before speaking. "Jay, why don't we sit down."
"I think I'll stand." Jay shot back, quickly brushing off the comforting hand as he stepped backward. Breath shaky as his eyes hardened, desperately trying to conceal the tears threatening once again to escape.
Will shook his head, eyes already bloodshot and glossy as he inched forward. "Jay, I really think-"
"Will!" he seethed, making Will drop his hand to his side once again. Jay's eyes turned toward Dr. Rhodes, pleading.
"How is he?" The words came out rigid and hoarse as his breath caught in his throat.
His eyes traveled from Will to Connor and back again as his chest tightened. Each breath causing more panic to build up inside of him. Each moment passing seeming like a lifetime. He let out a shallow breath, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread as his eyes filled with tears. As he watched Will steal a quick glance at Connor before nodding toward Erin.
Jay felt the hand on his back. The warm graze of her fingertips gripping onto him through his t-shirt, but it felt as though she was slipping by. As her fingers tightened around him, voices started to be heard around him. The muffled sounds came through his mind, spinning around his brain. Filling every inch of him as he breathed in Dr. Rhodes' voice.
"The bullet severed the subclavian vein. Emergency surgery was to try and repair the rupture. Unfortunately, Greg lost a lot of blood before he was brought in due to the bullet getting lodged in the jugular so—"
"So what are you saying?" he croaked, voice barley audible above the sound of his thudding heart. He felt his knees go weak once again, dread building up as his chest tightened. The lump in his throat building as he took in a shallow breath, trying to will the sobs back as tears began to fall.
Rhodes took another small step forward before Will cut him off. Voice low and sincere as he swallowed and breathed through the knot forming in his own chest, as he spoke, voice cracking, "Jay, I...I'm so sorry. Mouse— Mouse didn't make it."
Panic shot through him as Jay flew into a sitting position. Sweat pooling down his forehead and dripping off him as he desperately tried to catch the air seeping out of his lungs. Each inhale shallower than the one before. Each exhale feeling like small needles piercing into him. Eyes wide and glossy as they tried frantically to fight their way back to the present.
A loud thudding at the door made his head swing rapidly behind him. And he willed the air to fill his lungs as he took another frantic breath. As his eyes surveyed their surroundings and his ears captured the sound of the still-running water from the shower in the bathroom.
Pounding at the door matched the pounding of his heart as he rose cautiously from the couch. Took hurried strides across the room as he swallowed—once, twice—roughly, before taking another shaky breath in. His clammy hand gripping onto the door handle before swinging it open roughly.
"Jay?"
A firm hand grasped onto his shoulder. Familiar, gravely voice booming into his ears, but it sounded faint—far off, as he attempted another breath and his body doubled over as he fought for air.
"Jay? Are you alright? Where's Erin? Jay!?"
The grip tightened around his shoulder. His body shaking under the touch as his eyes rose. Trying to focus in on the man standing in front of him. His vision was blurred and clouded as breaths rapidly shot through his chest. He felt himself being moved— feet dragging against the cool wood as his body fought against the change. The soft cushion of the couch once again beneath him as he desperately sought out a deep breath. Tried to fill his lungs with enough oxygen to still his trembling form as black dots clouded his vision further.
Mouse didn't make it.
A water bottle came into his line of sight and Jay instinctively reached out his hand. Tightly gripped onto it as he brought it to his lips to quickly gulp down the cool liquid, sucking down all the water his body would allow. After a few moments, he let the water slowly fall down his throat, taking short timid breaths before releasing his hold.
He shut his eyes tightly as the air finally filled his lungs and greedily absorbed all of the oxygen that he could take in before finally exhaling and opening his eyes.
He was met with the wide, worried gaze of Hank Voight. Perched at the edge of the coffee table inches away, hands clasped tightly together. Jay let in another slow breath as he ran a hand across his sticky forehead and through his messy hair.
"Wanna tell me what the hell just happened?" Hank asked warily, eyes scanning Jay's face.
Jay's head fell into his hands as a loud groan erupted through his chest. Leaning back against the cushion of the couch, he lifted his head once again. "Not really."
"Jay-"
Quickly putting out his hand, Jay shook his head, effectively cutting off Voight's words. "I'm fine" he shot out.
And then he stilled. Hands falling loosely to his sides as he mulled over the single word—fine. Replaying the earlier conversation over and over in his head. And although Erin wasn't around, he felt the urge to clarify, to stop the use of the word that meant absolutely nothing. The word that was a quick excuse to forgo feelings and hide behind empty promises. Sighing, Jay brought up a hand to brush across the short stubble on his chin. Avoiding the watchful eyes in front of him. "I will be fine. I'm okay, Hank. Just...a, uhh...bad dream."
Seeming to accept his answer, and not wanting to push any further than necessary, Hank gave a short nod. His eyes scanned around the empty apartment before landing on the open bedroom door and hearing the soft sound of running water. A small grunt reverberated from his throat before he looked back toward Jay. "How're you doing with everything else?"
"I— I'm getting better." He answered honestly, eyes falling to the liquid in the water bottle clenched in his hands.
"Good. You had us worried there for a bit." The words were sincere as a small smile spread over Hank's face. Yes, he was pissed at Jay for his reaction to everything that had happened the last two months, for pushing away the pain instead of dealing with it head on. But bringing it up now—when Jay was finally home and just begging to make progress—was not something he was about to do.
He watched as Jay nodded in understanding before he sighed, "Look, just know I'm here if ya need me. We all are, you don't have to put this all on your shoulders. Or put it all on Erin. Let us help you—"
The shuffling of feet across the floorboards shifted both men's attention to the open bedroom door. Left both of them to watch as Erin hurriedly walked into the living room. Wet hair dripping onto the fabric of an oversized t-shirt that fell below the length of her workout shorts.
Her eyes widened in shock as she registered the presence of another figure in their living room. "Hank—I, uhm. I wasn't expecting you."
She quickly moved back towards the bedroom, mumbling something about changing into something more appropriate before being cut off by Hank's gravelly voice. "No, no I was just heading out."
Erin's brows knitted in confusion as her eyes traveled to watch Jay take slow gulps of water before she nodded slowly, following Hank toward the door. Smiling, he turned from the door, gripping her shoulder supportively before pulling her into a tight hug. "I'm proud of ya, kid." Pulling back, he looked at her, eyes serious. "You call me if ya need anything, got it?"
Nodding, Erin smiled at the warmth of his embrace, "I will Hank, thanks."
And with that, she watched as he dipped his head before taking quick steps down the long hall of the apartment building. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door shut with a light click as she turned back towards the living room. Watched Jay, sprawled out once again over the length of the couch, breaths even as he slept. She debated only for a moment on whether to wake him before noticing the soft smile planted against his lips, and instead covered him with a soft throw blanket before heading towards bedroom. Before picking up her phone and finally making a call for an appointment that was long overdue and way past necessary as her hand fell to rest casually on the small bump of her stomach.
Thank you all so much for following this story so far! I really love all of your reviews and hope you are liking where it's heading :)
