Hey all! I'm so sorry this chapter took longer to get up than usual! I moved across the country a few months back and the change is really catching up to me right now. Hopefully I'll be updating the next chapter sooner, it was just hard to sit down and clear my brain enough to write. Anyways, enjoy!
The gel was shockingly cold against her skin and Erin winced against the touch. Winced further as the chilled touch of the transducer spread the gel evenly over her bare abdomen. Her left eye—squinted tightly closed—peaked open to steal a glance at the ultrasound technician, Nancy, or so the nametag claimed.
When she had finally called for the appointment last Friday she wasn't expecting them to want to see her first thing Monday morning. She also wasn't expecting them to be so worried over the fact that she was calling to schedule an appoint when she had canceled all of her previous ones. And she definitely wasn't expecting Dr. Kelly to get called into an emergency C-section ten minutes before she arrived when she was promised the appointment would be with her doctor.
The over-powering sound of thudding broke her thoughts as the waves pulsated through her mind. The steady sound of beating whooshed around her as she tried to match her breathing to that of the quick pitch of the machine.
"Alright, mama." The technician's overly excited voice piped in as she swirled the gel softly over Erin's lower abdomen. "Here it is." A wide-toothed smile spread quickly across her face as she watched Erin slowly open both her eyes.
Blowing out a large breath, Erin's gaze traveled to the small screen and she couldn't help the gasp that escaped her as she took in the sight in front of her. "That…that's it?"
A soft chuckle sounded from Nancy as she smiled once again. Nodding, she gently rolled the transducer slightly lower on Erin's abdomen. "A lot of women are surprised by how it looks the first time —" The fingers of her free hand quickly moved toward the screen, tracing the outline that could be seen in the ultrasound image. "— but there's your baby, right there." The smile grew on Nancy's face as she pointed at the screen and then looked back toward Erin, gaging her reaction.
Erin opened her mouth as if to speak but shut it just as quickly as her eyes stayed fixed on the screen, watching closely as the small black and grey image moved and came in and out of focus. Nancy's words getting lost as Erin tried to decipher small hands and feet within the image as a small grin formed on her own lips.
"Wow," she managed to gasp out as Nancy began to wipe the gel from her abdomen. She quickly readjusted her clothes as Nancy put away the equipment. Erin watched in silence as her fingers skimmed over the cotton of her t-shirt, the residue of the gel sticking the fabric to her skin as she rested her hand. A large smile spread across her face as she thought about the growing bump beneath her hand. Although it was still unnoticeable to the naked eye, it was already a perfect mix of her and Jay that had her whole heart.
"Based on the ultrasound and the information you gave me; your estimated date of delivery is May 7th."
Erin's eyes shot up to meet Nancy's as she calculated the date. Her eyes widened further as realization hit. "Are...are you sure?" she choked out after a moment.
Chuckling softly, Nancy nodded a reply. "Yes ma'am, that'll put you at about thirteen weeks. Looks like you were lucky enough to skip through your first trimester without any severe morning sickness. But that also means you skipped over a vital part of the baby's development, so it's essential for you to start taking prenatal vitamins and schedule monthly appointments for the remainder of your pregnancy."
Erin nodded as Nancy continued talking at a quick pace, briefly mentioning some pamphlets and book recommendations as she gathered a large blue folder filled with information regarding pregnancy do's and don'ts. An overwhelming sensation rushed over Erin as she tried to absorb all of the information being thrown at her.
"I also took the liberty to print off a couple copies of the ultrasound for you," Nancy added, "and since this is your first baby I can also recommend some classes for you to take. Any questions?"
The toothy smile on Nancy's face made Erin want to scream as she stared wide-eyed at the ultrasound technician. At this point, everything was a question—all of it so new and foreign—and it made her want to curl into a ball as her heart rate quickened. She managed a small shake of her head as an answer as she moved into a sitting position.
"Oh yeah, and I know you mentioned you were a detective. You may want to consider a lighter work load for the remainder of your pregnancy. It can be something you discuss further with Dr. Kelly, but I would not recommend continuing out in the field until after the baby is born."
Erin nodded her head as she began walking towards the door, a tight-lipped smile on her face. "Right. I'll figure it out, thanks."
"Well it was very nice meeting you, Erin." Nancy said as she passed the large folder of baby information over to her. "Maybe next time your fiancé can join us." she added, eyes bright with excitement.
Erin's brows scrunched together at the comment. Not once had she mentioned Jay or anything about him during the whole appointment and she briefly wondered how this lady had even known she had a fiancé. And then she followed Nancy's eye line to her outstretched hand as she grabbed the folder, and the small diamond noticeable on her ring finger. Sighing, Erin forced a smile on her face. "Yeah, maybe next time."
As she made her way back toward the check-out desk, Erin gripped the papers tight between her hand. New information swirling through her brain at a rapid pace. She quickly made her next appointment before following the long hospital hallways down busy corridors and nurse's stations leading her towards her destination.
Taking a seat in the psychiatry waiting room, Erin's fingers skimmed timidly over the black and grey image in her hand. She couldn't help the overwhelming tightening in her chest as her eyes focused in on the outline of a small head as her fingers stilled over the picture. Thirteen weeks. The realization made Erin's eyes well with tears as she took in a shaky breath. How had she gone so long without noticing? She knew weeks had passed since she found out, and she had been putting off appointments every chance she got. Even with Will's constant worry, she still had refused to go in for an appointment, but she never imagined she was already so far along.
Erin let her eyes fall closed as she thought back to the day she realized she was pregnant. Memories of Hanks' worried gaze and the unit's prolonged stares mixing with her tired, bloodshot eyes. A mix of sleep deprivation and an uncommon spout of nausea sending her home only hours into a busy case. Sent her straight into panic as she tried to calm her shaking body, as she tried to will time to speed up and slow down simultaneously during the three-minute time frame that would determine the rest of her life.
Her breathing was erratic and shallow. One hand firmly grasping onto the vanity as wide eyes stared at the small white stick grasped firmly in her grip. The sign almost unreadable through blurry eyes and hazy vision as she tried to keep the tears from flowing. The thudding in her heart beat rapidly through her ears. Pounding through her skull.
How could this have happened? Yesterday, this was just a stomach bug. Yesterday, this was just her feeling a little uneasy, getting slightly nauseous around the overwhelming smell of food reeking though the bullpen. Yesterday, this was just her realizing that she was late. And she was never late.
The thudding of her heart crashed through her ears, pounding at a rapid pace as it intensified. And then mixed with a far-off thudding—one coming from outside of the bathroom. Outside of her inner turmoil—the sound of a fist rapping quickly against the hard oak of the front door to her apartment.
"Erin! Hey, I know you're in there."
Shit.
Taking a few more breaths, she steadied her rapid breathing as her head swung around the small bathroom. Eyes landing on the white, plush robe hanging from the back of the door before quickly swinging it on to conceal herself further as irrational fears started to buildup inside. A challenge given the fact that her left hand seemed to be permanently glued to the white stick that was still clenched in her grip. Taking quick strides, she made it halfway across the living room—the thudding at the door intensifying—before realization hit. Her gaze traveled toward her hand before she shoved the test deep within the confines of the fluffy pocket of the robe—finally loosening her grip as blood traveled back through her fingertips.
Her grip found solace in the door handle as she swung it open. And then she swallowed roughly as she met familiar blue eyes. "Hey, Will. What's up?
Pushing past her, he took quick strides inside, surveying the surroundings quickly before turning around and noting Erin's appearance. His eyes widened in surprise. "Uhm. Yeah, hi. Voight actually called—" A groan from Erin made him roll his eyes before continuing. "—said you left early today. Food poisoning? He wanted me to check on you."
A humorous chuckle left her lips just as Erin crossed her arms. "Oh he did, did he? Well, I'm fine. Thanks."
Will's eyes traveled cautiously up her body, focusing in on her hollow cheekbones. The harsh, stark-white of her usual ivory colored skin. Sweat building at her hairline noticeable as her hair was piled in an unusual high-bun on top of her head. He sighed. "Erin, it's just me here. Tell me how you're actually doing."
"I'm fine." She repeated firmly.
A brittle laugh escaped Will's lips in return. "Oh really? Fine? Fine like Jay said he was thousands of times? We all know how well that one turned out, Erin!"
Erin's eyes darted to the floor as her feet began to move beneath her. Taking quick strides back and forth across the small open space on the living room. She swallowed, eyes traveling up to meet Will's awaiting stare. "What do you want from me here, Will?"
"I just want you to talk to me. Let someone in. You need to talk, and I'm here for you."
A loud groan erupted as Erin plopped down on the couch, eyes hard. "So what if I'm not fine, Will? What then? My fiancé is completely falling apart. The guilt is eating him alive. He won't listen to a damn thing I have to say. Won't let me help him at all. He's shut down completely. And now he just took off and left. God knows where he is or what he's doing! Why would I be fine? Why would any of that be fucking fine?"
She wasn't sure when the tears started flowing, or at what point in her rant Will sat down beside her. Wrapped a cautious arm around her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her as her anger and frustration rose, but it did nothing to calm her shaking body. Taking a few deep breaths, she steadied her breathing before rubbing her hands across her cheeks, sniffing back any lingering feelings before shifting out of Will's gentle hold.
"You can go now. I'm good, Will. I don't need a babysitter, I'm a big girl." She affirmed.
Will nodded. "Okay. But you obviously aren't okay health-wise. And as a medical professional I can't leave you here like this. Plus, Voight would kill me." He added, a slight smirk on his lips. "So let me check you out real fast."
"That's really not necessary."
"It is." He said, grabbing the medical bag he placed next to the couch and setting it between the two of them. "I need your arm to check your blood pressure."
"Will-"
Shaking his head, Will glared over at her. "Now, Erin."
Rolling her eyes, Erin let in a shaky breath before nodding. She quickly unknotted the tie of her robe and shrugged herself out of it. Unsure if the tremble of her body was caused by the cool air touching her newly-exposed skin in her tank top and gym shorts, or the nerves whirling through her body.
"Okay, good." He smiled in victory as his gaze fell to the bag and he searched through his medical equipment. And then his eyes widened—jaw agape as they traveled to the couch beside Erin. To the discarded robe and the small white stick that had fallen onto the plush cushion from its location deep within the fuzzy pocket.
Erin sent him a questioning look, following his gaze before her eyes landed on the object. Heart rate instantly spiking as shallow breaths caught in her throat.
"Will—" She pleaded, voice low and raspy.
His eyes stayed locked on the test—unmoving, unblinking, before he swallowed roughly. "You're pregnant."
It wasn't a question, voice thick, but sturdy as his eyes locked on hers. And she could only nod as the tears pooled in her eyes. As Will once again wrapped a comforting arm around her, pulling her into his embrace. And she couldn't stop the sob that left her lips. The simple act of compassion breaking her as her body convulsed and tears flowed down her cheeks.
Jay was gone. And she was pregnant.
"Erin?!"
"Hey! Erin, you ready?" The soft, familiar voice broke through her memory as Erin's eyes lifted from the image in her hand. As she was met with the questioning gaze of Jay and she quickly crinkled the picture into her hand and stood. Nodding, Erin moved out of the waiting room and toward the elevator in one fast motion, leaving Jay to trail behind.
Clearing her throat, Erin's gaze met Jay's as she stepped into the elevator. Watched his curious glance before she quickly started in on their usual after-session discussion. "How was your session?"
Slowly running his fingers through his hair, Jay bit cautiously at his bottom lip before responding, "It wasn't too bad." His eyes fell toward Erin's hands—one clenching tightly onto a large blue folder while the other held a slightly crumpled picture. Tilting his head toward it, he raised a brow in question. "What is all of that?"
"Huh?" Erin asked before her eyes meet his. "Oh I had a doctor's appointment this morning." She added as casually as she could, a slight shrug in her shoulders.
Jay's eyes widened in surprise, his chest rising in a slow pattern. "Why didn't you ask me to come with you?" The hurt evident in his voice as he reached for the picture.
"You had a session. Besides, it was just a checkup, nothing important." She said, trying to sound convincing as she watched a glaze form over his eyes, his thumb lightly skimming over the image. He nodded, although his eyes stayed locked on the picture, a smile forming on his lips as the elevator doors dinged open.
As they moved towards the hospital exit and out towards the car, silence etched between the two. And it only grew as Erin started the car and maneuvered her way into the busy streets of Chicago. Occasionally her eyes drifted from the road to watch as Jay clutched tightly onto the ultrasound in his hand, his gaze never leaving the image.
Erin sighed, her fingers gripping tighter around the wheel as she turned onto the block where their apartment was. She knew it was unfair not to invite him to the appointment. Knew it was unfair to not even mention that there was an appointment to Jay. But something stopped her from telling him. Something still made he unsure of his presence— not that she didn't trust him, just that she knew what it was like to be so far gone that nothing could bring you back.
But as she walked into the apartment, she couldn't help the tightening in her chest and the overwhelming feeling that came along with watching him look at the ultrasound picture for the first time. Listened to the hurt in his voice as he had asked her why she hadn't asked him to join her for the appointment. Because this was Jay, and he was here. He was back. And no matter what he was still going through, she knew he wasn't going to risk losing anymore than he already had now that he was home. Now that he had something to fight for, something to keep himself grounded.
"Erin—" Turning at the sound of his voice, Erin was met with Jay's soft eyes as he sighed, as he took a seat at the edge of the couch and lifted the image still held tight within his grip. He tilted his head toward it as his brows furrowed, as he mulled carefully over his next words.
"Look, I know all of this isn't easy. And I know that's on me—" He inhaled a deep breath, slowly blowing it out before continuing, voice hoarse, "—but I meant what I said. I'm not going anywhere."
"I know, Jay." Erin nodded as she walked toward him. Taking a seat on the couch, she turned her whole body to face him, watching as his chest rose and fell quickly and his gaze fell to the image in his hand.
A small smile formed on his lips as his fingers traced over the picture, as he bit timidly on the soft skin of his lip and whispered into the space between them, "Just…just don't shut me out."
Erin shook her head quickly, her eyes turning serious as she searched his face. "I'm not—I'm not trying to shut you out, Jay. It's just…you have a lot going on right now. I don't want to add any extra stress onto that."
Jay mimicked her movements, shaking his head as his eyes once again met hers, a mix of hurt and fear spreading across his features. "The shit that I have going on is what I have to deal with, and that's gonna take time." Their eyes locked as he continued, determination filling his voice. "But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be here every step of the way for you during this pregnancy, okay?"
Erin nodded as she watched his eyes fall once again to the small image in his hands. "Okay."
She couldn't help the small smile that formed on her lips as she observed him, as she watched a mixture of shock and joy spread across his face. And she leaned forward, closing the small distance between them on the couch as she pressed her lips softly against his cheek. Let her lips linger against the rough scruff of his cheek for a moment before standing and mumbling something about changing for work before walking into the bedroom. Left Jay with a wide, boyish grin as his eyes skimmed across the ultrasound once again. As his thumb brushed over the black and grey image and a small chuckle left his lips.
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and followed this story so far and thanks to danie14 for the this flashback idea :) All reviews truly helps so much with this story and help me figure out where it's going! Hope you enjoyed :)
