Hi guys! Sorry once again for the longer update. I won't give you any of my excuses but this chapter did turn out to be harder to write for some reason, so please let me know how it turned out!
Erin blew out a timid breath as she adjusted the strap of her dress. Taking a small step forward on the cool tile towards her vanity, she met her eyes in the mirror, looking over her appearance one finale time. A shaky breath left her lips as nervous energy coursed through her veins.
Dinner with her fiancé shouldn't make her this nervous—at least not in this way. But how was dinner going to go? What exactly were Jay's plans when he had suggested that the two of them go out to discuss everything? Sure, she was excited that he was finally taking a huge step forward, making the first move to open to her. No more running—no more hiding, not anymore. So why did the idea of dinner make her heart rate quicken and breathing become shallow?
Picking up the warm curling iron, Erin re-curled a few loose strands of hair before tousling the waves. Bracing herself on the counter, she focused on deep breaths as she watched her reflection. Apprehension pulsed through her veins as a frustrated sigh left her lips. Taking a few large steps back into the bedroom, she walked towards the full length mirror opposite her closest, readjusting her dress once again. Why did the damn thing seem to fit so uncomfortably?
Dresses were in short supply in Erin's closest, and she definitely hadn't been out to get one in the past few months. Sure, date nights were something that her and Jay appreciated and jumped at the chance of, but they were pretty rare considering how many hours the pair spent inside of District 21. Whatever time they had off together, they would have much preferred to spend cuddled up on the couch or spend a few extra hours curled up in bed. A few hours at Molly's was a lot more comfortable than a few hours dressed up at a nice restaurant.
But looking in the mirror now made Erin regret her choice altogether. A fitted little black dress was quickly turning into her worst enemy as it seemed to hug her small bump in the most unappealing way ever. Although still almost unnoticeable to others, the slight weight gain made a large groan slip from her lips as she surveyed her appearance once again. Grunting at her reflection, she rested her fingers over the slight bump as she heard a small knock on the bedroom door.
"Erin? Hey, you ready? We don't wanna miss our res—" Jay's voice trailed off as his gaze landed on that of his fiancée. His eyes skimmed up and down her body as a small grin formed on his lips.
"Is…is this okay?" she asked in an unusually timid voice, suddenly very self-conscious of Jay's lingering eyes on her abdomen. After a moment of silence, a nervous breath left her lips. "Just give me two more minutes. I can change real fast."
Chuckling at her nervousness, Jay took a step forward, meeting Erin in front of the mirror. He rested his hand over hers on her stomach as his eyes met hers. "You look beautiful, Er."
Instantly, Erin's gaze fell to the floor as she tried to conceal the blush forming on her cheeks, and she couldn't help the wide smile that spread across her face at his compliment. She had missed this—she had missed him. How easily one compliment could switch her whole mood and make her feel a thousand times better. How he always seemed to know what to say and what to do to calm her nerves. How well he knew her.
Reaching out his hand, Jay's fingers brushed against the soft skin of Erin's chin as he tilted her face up so their eyes met. Mimicking her smile, he let his eyes linger on hers for a moment before letting out a soft breath, tilting his head toward the door. "C'mon, we should get going."
Erin nodded as Jay stepped towards the door of the bedroom before she quickly finished getting ready and followed him out of the apartment and towards the parking lot. The drive was quite—except for the soft hum of the radio— both lost in curious thoughts as their minds tried to focus on what needed to be discussed throughout dinner.
As Erin pulled into a spot outside of the restaurant, she let the car still and the heater blast onto them before letting out a deep breath. Before quickly, and without warning, opening the door and jumping outside into the chilly night air. Left Jay to sit in silence for a moment longer before Erin popped her head back into the doorframe with a large smirk on her face. "You coming? Or is your idea of a nice date siting in the car all night?"
A soft chuckle left Jay's lips as he slipped out of the car, taking quick strides to catch up to Erin before pulling up the door of the building for her.
About thirty minutes later, the pair found themselves at a small corner table. Soft conversations danced around them, enclosing them within their own bubble of nervous tension as Erin swirled her straw through her ice before bringing the cool water to her lips. Her eyes lingered on Jay's downcast stare as she contemplated her words.
"So…how have your sessions been going lately?" She watched as Jay's fork stilled against his steak. As he drew in a quick breath and eyed his plate before crinkling his brows tightly together. Made Erin frown as she internally kicked herself at starting out their conversations with the one topic she knew he had been avoiding for weeks.
Shaking her head, her eyes lingered on the hard lines of his face before she sighed. "We don't have to talk about it."
"No—no, it's fine" he reassured, meeting her gaze with a soft smile. "They…they've actually been good lately. Uh, Dr. Charles is really great."
Erin smiled back towards him as she gave a short nod. "Good. That's —I'm really glad he's been helping out."
Jay watched as Erin went back to eating her meal, seeming content with the small amount of information he provided. But he felt as though he needed to give her something after months of pushing her away at every chance. Of making her suffer because he wanted to deal with things on his own.
Although discussing sessions was something he didn't want to do, and revisiting that night was something he never wanted to do, he knew this was it. He needed to let Erin in — and not just because everyone told him it was what needed to happen, but because she wanted him to, and he wanted her to.
"He…uhhh. He makes it easier to talk somehow. Doesn't expect anything from me." Jay said through a hoarse voice as he watched Erin slowly nod, hesitantly moving his thoughts forward.
His eyes fell back towards his plate as he moved vegetables around with his fork. "I'm not trying to shut you out, or to make you feel like you aren't helping me with everything. It's just—I don't know. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who doesn't know. Someone who doesn't have an opinion."
Muffled conversations between nearby tables flowed easily by as silence stretched out between Erin and Jay. As the sound of Jay's fork clinking against porcelain rang in their ears and he sighed before hanging his head and rubbing his hand roughly against his forehead. "Someone who isn't going to tell me it wasn't my fault."
"Jay." Erin said after a moment, and the harshness to her tone made his gaze immediately shift from the white tablecloth to meet her eyes as she leaned forward. "It wasn't your fault."
Shaking his head, he opened his mouth—an objection quick on the tip of his tongue before her eyes hardened and she leaned even further into the table. "It wasn't your fault, Jay. Nothing about it was your fault. You couldn't have changed what happened."
Erin frowned as a bitter chuckle left his lips and he shook his head quickly. She sighed, meeting his harsh gaze before speaking, "No matter how hard we try, sometimes the people we love die. But you can't blame yourself. It took me a long time to fully realize that. But Dr. Charles helped me, and he will do the same for you."
"The difference is you weren't there, Erin!" Jay's voice rose as he slammed his hand roughly onto the surface of the table. Noticing a few lingering eyes from waiters and nearby tables, Jay lowered his voice as he leaned into to the table. "You didn't witness what happened with Nadia. I—I was five feet away from him and I watched it all happen. I could have done something; I could have reacted faster—I could have reacted better. But I didn't. And now he's dead."
"Jay." Erin said once again as his eyes fell to the table. As memories and regret flooded his mind as a glaze covered his eyes.
"Jay—look at me." Her voice hardened, desperately trying to convince him of something she knew was nearly impossible in the moment. Something she thought he was working on, something she had irrationally convinced herself was no longer an issue. She should have known better, known how long it would take him to realize that what happened that night wasn't something that could have been stopped. Not by him. Not by anyone. But this was Jay, and he took the weight of everything onto his own shoulders. Especially with this. His unit. His family. His friend.
"This was not on you. Not for one minute has anyone blamed you. The unit doesn't. Ruzek doesn't. And Mouse sure as hell wouldn't if he were here right now. He would tell you to get your shit together and stop blaming yourself."
Jay shook his head— rolling his eyes as an unemotional chuckle left his lips. "Yeah, well he's not here."
Nodding, Erin watched for a moment as Jay desperately tried to calm his heaving chest. Tried to even out his breathing as will away the tears threatening to spill. "You're right, he's not here."
She leaned back in her seat, watching as the lines of his brow raised in question before a small smile fell across her face. "But you are and so am I. So is this baby. This is what's here. This is what you need to focus on. Not what happened, no matter how shitty it is. We can't go back in time and change what happened. But, you can move forward."
Blowing out a deep breath, Jay's eyes fell closed as a large breath left his lips. He knew that Erin didn't understand why no matter what, he would always blame himself. But after everything Mouse had done for him—dragged him out of hell after they returned from overseas, Jay owed Mouse everything. And he failed in returning that favor.
Mouse had been there when no one else had been, when no one else even knew that Jay had needed someone to be there for him. And yet everyday, without fail, there he would be. With some stupid movie or cheesy new tech device. Anything that could help to distract the both of them for even just a few hours—just long enough to help them forget. To make them pretend reality was a better place then what they had witnessed.
Mouse had saved him, and now Mouse was dead because of him.
He sighed, opening his eyes, he was met with Erin's gentle gaze as she waited for him to continue with their conversation. Waited to continue their disagreement all night if it meant she could somehow convince him that she was right about this. But he just sighed, dropping his head dejectedly before muttering, "Can we just drop it, Erin? Please."
Erin started to argue, words threatening to spill over the tip of her tongue before she focused in on his posture. Focused in on the hard lines of his face, on the way his shoulders were drooping and he bit subconsciously at his bottom lip. Instead, she gave a short nod before shifting her gaze back towards her plate. Returned her attention to her food—and after a few minutes heard Jay follow suit and he began once again picking at his steak as silence once again consumed them.
As Erin pushed her vegetables around her plate, her gaze traveled up to watch Jay mirror her actions. She frowned, "Jay, I –"
"I'm sorry." he interrupted, voice full of regret as his gaze lifted to meet hers.
Confusion spread across her face as her brows furrowed. "For what?"
"Everything" chuckling, Jay threw his hands up, motioning to include everything around them as he spoke. "For starters, I just flipped out on you in the middle of dinner."
Erin grinned slightly, allowing a small chuckle to escape her own lips as she waved off his apology. In comparison to the last few months, this dinner was nothing. Add onto that the fact that he was actually opening up to her—maybe not with the outcome that she had hoped for—but it was still progress. And she couldn't be mad about that. She also couldn't be angry at him for going to see Dr. Charles, for trying to discuss the shooting, for being honest about how he was feeling.
"It's okay."
"No, it's not okay, Erin" he corrected. "Then there's how I acted after that night. How I've been acting towards you since then. All you've been doing is trying to help me, and I've been a complete asshole and I'm—I'm just really sorry, Erin."
A small smile fell onto her lips as Erin nodded. "I know. Seriously, it's okay."
"No, no. It's really not okay! I shouldn't have shut you out and I definitely shouldn't have left. I'm sorry for putting you through all of that. For making you go through all of it."
"I know what it's like to shut people out, Jay." Erin reminded, her voice sturdy as she locked her eyes with his. "I'm not going to sit here and play the blame game. You were grieving. It may not have been the best way, but that's what happened. Now we move on."
A sad smile formed on Jay's lips as his eyes drifted towards the table and guilt washed through him. "Doesn't mean I wasn't a huge jackass."
Erin grazed the soft skin of Jay's hand as she reached across the table before skimming his fingers. Their hands slowly intertwined as her smile grew. "You're here and you're getting better. That's all that matters now. That's what's important."
"Yeah." He agreed as Erin squeezed his hand slightly in her grip.
Thinking over the past few months, Jay couldn't stop the overwhelming amount of guilt that waved through him knowing how much weight he had put onto her shoulders. How much he had put her through—and then he thought about the baby. The fact that while he was off drowning himself in anything and everything, she was not only worried about him but also going through so much on her own. And instead of being around to help her, he continued to shut her out and keep his distance.
Clearing his throat, Jay tugged lightly on Erin's hand, gaining her attention as he spoke. "Look, I know I've been all over the place lately. And it took us a long time to get to where we are— where we were."
Jay sighed as he scanned Erin's face. Watching as her brows furrowed curiously and she frowned. "I guess what I'm saying is, I get it. If you want to hold off a while on everything. Focus on the baby right now…and put a pause on the engagement."
Erin's heart felt as though it had stopped and started beating rapidly out of her chest all at the same time. She shook her head quickly, "We can focus on both. One doesn't have to outweigh the other."
Sighing, Jay frowned as he released Erin's hand, leaning back to gage her reaction. "I know, but Erin—"
"No. No, I'm your fiancé, Jay. That's not going to change. Whatever happened, whatever is happening, I'm in this with you."
Jay nodded slowly as he took in her words. "Okay." leaning forward once again, he brushed his fingers lightly against Erin's knuckles as his eyes met hers. "–but if you ever feel differently. If it's overwhelming or hectic, just let me know. Deal?"
"Okay, I can do that." She agreed, taking a large sip of water before a smirk settled across her face. "Only if you agree to something for me."
Jay sighed, rubbing a cautious hand across his forehead as he nodded once again. "Alright…shoot."
"No more shutting me out. At all." She stated as her eyes hardened, "I know we aren't always the best at talking things out, but I don't think I'm asking for a lot here, Jay. I don't need you to tell me everything you're feeling all the time…just—just don't push me away anymore."
Jay took a moment to think over her proposal as he watched her eyes glisten with unshed tears before she quickly sniffed them back. Before he dipped his head in agreement. "Deal."
Erin reached out her hand, gesturing towards it as Jay's eyebrow raised in suspicion before a wide grin spread across his face and he firmly shook Erin's hand, securely locking in their agreement as a deep chuckle left her lips. He couldn't help but smile even wider as he took in the sound—a small chuckle reverberating from his own chest as he basked in hearing her laugh.
The rest of the meal was spent with comfortable conversation flowing easily between the two of them. Afterwards, Erin followed Jay out to the car, pausing briefly as she reached the driver side door before Jay gave her a questioning stare. Giving him a mischievous smile in return, she reached into the pocket of her coat, fumbling briefly before her fingers curled around a cold metal object and she tossed them across the hood of the car.
Jay paused momentarily before registering the keys flying—jingling towards his face and quickly snatching them, inches before they made contact with the bridge of his nose. "You're gonna let me drive?"
His question, more serious than his joking tone made it out to be sat in the air between them as Erin sauntered around the car. The last month had been spent being closely chaperoned, and that meant always having a driver. Whether it was Erin, Will—or occasionally Natalie if Will was caught up in the ED and Erin at the precinct—someone was there to drive him. Not just to witness that he was making it from point A to point B, but to actually be the one to get him there. As if he was unable to do so himself.
Erin nodded, her smile only growing as she witnessed the pure shock on Jay's face, and she inched closer towards him. "It's a gift."
Jay's laugh—soft and sincere—was captured by Erin's warm lips as she planted them gently against his. Just for a moment, just long enough for a content sigh to escape as she relished in the feel of his lips on hers before she pulled back. And she couldn't help the loud chuckle that reverberated from her chest at seeing the disbelief on Jay's face as she adjusted the collar of his jacket before tapping him lightly on the chest. Before stepping back and opening the passengers side door and sliding into the seat. Left Jay to once again stand in silence for a moment before Erin popped her head out of the window with a large smirk on her face. "You coming? Or did you want me to drive?"
Jay shook his head, chuckling as he took quick strides towards the driver's side of the car before jumping in and driving them home.
Thanks so much for sticking with this story so far. I'll try to be more regular about my updates, hopefully after the end of the semester that will be possible. I have a good idea of where I want the next few chapters to go, but I'm always open for suggestions and would love to hear if ya'll have any! :)
