Hi guys! I can't thank everyone enough for reading, leaving reviews,and sending me pm's about this fic! I know I say that a lot, but it helps me so much with how I'm going to write it out! This is my first attempt at a multi-chapter fic, and I've only written a few other fics ever and I'm so happy you all seem to enjoy it! It really helps so much to write this one! Enjoy :)
A small glimmer of light cascaded through the rectangular windows of the bullpen. Reflecting large shadows off the desks of each of the members of the Intelligence Unit as they began working as the sun set. Keyboards clicked at rapid pace as they began to quickly move through the paperwork from their latest case.
After arriving back at the district minutes before, the unit realized they were going to be swamped in paperwork in order to close out their latest case. Voight's strict instructions—no one goes home until everyone is finished with their paperwork—swam through everyone's minds as they rushed to begin typing and writing their reports.
Erin's feet fell heavy against the broken tiled floor as she moved sluggishly back toward her desk. A mug of ice water clenched tight in her grip as she swallowed through her hoarse throat and her chest rose and fell in heavy patterns. She plopped down in her chair, dropping her head to her hands as she tried to even out her breathing.
Although running down a suspect was never huge on her list of favorite things—hell, it had always been pretty much dead last—this new level of exhaustion she was feeling was unparalleled. And running block-after-block in order to catch a suspect was definitely beginning to pay its toll on her body. She knew the outcome was worth it for the case, but that fact didn't help her exhaustion.
Up until today, she had thought waiting a few more weeks to reveal her pregnancy and even begin to discuss switching to desk duty was an obvious choice, but her reasons for staying in the field were running low. The tightening of her Kevlar and added fatigue gave proof to that. Add onto that the greatly increased risk factor for not only herself, but also the baby.
Erin sighed, her eyes scanning once more around the bullpen. The after-case lull of shuffling paperwork and murmurs of her colleagues enough of a distraction for her to slide her upper left desk drawer open. Grabbing a small square sheet of paper and shoving it into her pocket before striding towards Hank's closed office door.
Knocking twice, Erin waited, peeking through the opened blind of the door for Hank to lift his head from his own pile of paperwork—his lips turning upwards just slightly as he waved her in—before she twisted the knob and sucked in a large breath.
Hank gave her a soft nod as she entered before his head dipped once again towards the pile in front of him and he continued scribbling out onto one of the many scattered papers across his desk. Erin shut the door with a large thud as nervous energy pulsed through her and her eyes bounced between the hard lines on his face and the paperwork on his desk.
She sighed heavily, trying to calm her accelerated heartrate as her gaze focused in on the movements of the pen in Hank's hand. Moving effortlessly across the page—the ease of each word written making her breathing become shaky. Unintentionally, her eyes welled with tears as she took a step backwards.
Maybe, it was too soon to tell him. After all, her vest still did fit. Probably still could—at least with some kind of comfort— for a few more weeks at the rate her small bump was growing. And it was a given that she would be on desk duty as soon as the words left her lips. Not to mention, she hadn't even discussed it with Jay yet, maybe he would want to be the one to tell Voight, or at least be in the room when—
"Erin?"
Her eyes shot up to meet Hank watching her intently, and from the curiosity in his voice she could tell it wasn't the first time he'd said her name. Not the first question he'd asked her since she walked into his office minutes ago. She watched as his pen fell from his grip before he crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat. "Everything alright?"
"Uhh. No…I mean, yeah—yes. Can we talk?"
The uncertainty in her voice made Hank sit up and uncross his arms as he watched her shift from foot to foot. And he didn't bother stopping the noticeable tightening of his jaw as he wracked his brain for the source of her discomfort.
Nodding, he motioned towards the seat across from himself before locking his hard eyes with hers, "Sure. Sit."
Silence fell between them as Erin sat rigidly in the chair. Her body tense as her breaths came out uneven. Hank frowned, "What's going on, kid?"
"I, umm— I…" blowing out a deep breath, Erin's gaze fell to the floor, her heart beating rapidly inside of her chest. She knew this was it—no more waiting to tell him. No more chasing down suspects—busting down doors— guns ablaze. At least not for now. All of that needed to be put on pause. Locking her eyes with Voight's concerned stare, she swallowed harshly. "I'm pregnant."
A thick silence settle between the two of them as Erin kept her eyes firmly locked on Hank's. Watched as his eyes narrowed and jaw seemed to tighten further before he gave a solid not. "Halstead know?"
Erin could only nod in response as she tried to get a read on his blank face. But this was Voight and his features stayed stern as he searched Erin's eyes, noting the glimmer. The unshed tears beginning to pool as her leg bounced nervously. He sighed, rubbing a hand against the gray scruff of his chin, "What's your plan here, kid?"
"I'm not going to quit Intelligence." She stated firmly, gaining an apprehensive stare from Voight.
He shifted in his chair, leaning forward as his eyes hardened. As he opened his mouth to protest, before she shook her head and quickly continued. "But, I know my limits. Today…it was rough. Not the case, but for me it was. And I can't do that to everyone. You need me one-hundred percent focused. And right now, out there, I can't be." Voight nodded, urging her on, "I'll take the desk—help with interrogations, meet with CI's, and I can still help with crime scenes. I want to do as much as possible for as long as possible."
A short grunt reverberated from Voight's chest as his lips turned up into a small grin. As his eyes lingered on Erin's for a moment longer before he let out a long sigh. "You sure about all of this?"
Choosing to ignore the double meaning behind his words—his silent questions lingering in the apprehensive look in his eyes. The questions about timing, Jay's recovery and what all of this would really mean for her, for them, all on the tip of his tongue—Erin only nodded firmly, her eyes locked on his as she spoke. "I'm positive."
And with that, she stood. Moved so quickly across the room Hank's eyes widen in surprise as he watched her fingers curl around the door
"Erin—" Turning, Erin met Hank walking towards her, arms outstretched as he pulled her into his chest. "Congratulations, kid. I'm really happy for ya."
A large smirk fell onto her lips as Erin let out a large breath—one she was unaware she had been holding in for the past ten minutes. She pulled back from him, trying to fight back the tears threatening to fall before turning once again towards the door.
"Oh! Uhm, I almost forgot."
She reached into her jacket pocket, fishing out the small picture before extending it out to Voight, watching as he eyed the ultrasound image curiously. A large chuckle fell from his lips as he scanned it, seeming entranced by the black and grey image. As his eyes met hers again, they were filled with a softness she had only experienced a hand full of times, and she couldn't help but to match his smile. "I'm proud of you, kid."
The loud thudding at the door shifted both of their attention as Ruzek's head popped through. As his eyes met Voight's and he informed them that Olinsky called and said that their sergeant was needed at a crime scene. Left Erin to watch as Hank gave her a firm smile as he tapped the picture once again before dipping his head, grabbing his coat, and hurrying out of the office.
Erin stayed locked in place by the doorframe, trying to process the conversation she just had. Her thoughts swam around her as a tear fell quickly down her cheek without warning. She brushed it off as Ruzek's gentle voice boomed beside her. "Erin, you—uh, you good?"
Nodding, she quickly waved off his concern before sidestepping around him and out of the office. She quickly refocused her attention on the large amount of paperwork on her desk. The heavy sound of clicking from the surrounding computers drowning out her thoughts as she got lost in the reports scattered across her workspace.
.
A stifled yawn left Erin's lips as she leaned back in her chair, stretching out as she brought a hand to rub at the tenderness of her lower back. Sitting in a chair for the last hour had definitely not helped with her fatigue. Her eyes drifted around the bullpen, noting each one of her coworkers still captivated by their paperwork before she decided the need to stretch out her legs was overwhelming. She grabbed her mug, mind set on refilling her cup as she stood.
Half way to the break room, the buzzing from the gate to Intelligence shifted her attention as she turned towards the noise. The heavy, familiar sound of boots trudging up the steps made Erin's eyes widen as Jay came into view.
Everyone shifted their attention from their paperwork. Their eyes lingering, mouths agape as Jay stood motionless at the top of the stairs. They had picked up bits and pieces of his recovery from Erin's behavioral changes over the past month, but none of them had attempted to ask questions. All way too familiar with her lashing out to search for further information about his progress. They had all hoped that, with time, both Erin and Jay would go back to being their regular selves, and eventually even Jay would find his way back to the unit.
His spot was still open, his desk still remained empty. No one had even attempted to clean it off like they had with Ruzek's during his medical leave—a large contrast to the way they had all hurriedly gone through Mouse's desk in the days following the shooting. Everyone wanted to make it very clear that Jay was welcome back at any time. As soon as he was able to pull it together, his spot would be waiting. Always.
But as they all watched, staring with blank expressions, no one attempted to move forward. To take the first step to greet him. To welcome him. No one knew where to begin.
Jay sucked in a deep breath, taking the silence as their way of letting him know he wasn't welcome. That they knew what he had known for months. It was his fault. And they blamed him.
Nodding, Jay swung quickly around. One foot falling on the top step as he attempted to flee back down them before he heard his named rasped out and a firm hand grab his arm. He stalled, turning back towards the bullpen, but his eyes stayed locked on the ground, a mixture of sorrow and fear on his face. As if he was two seconds away from bolting down the stairs and out of the district.
The scene seemed to snap everyone out of their temporary daze, and Antonio was the first to move. Quickly stepping from behind his desk and walking towards them, reaching out his hand. "Halstead! Good to see you man."
The wide, honest smile on his face made Jay's breathing began to even out as he relaxed slightly in Erin's hold. He eyed Antonio's outstretched hand for a moment before giving a sincere smile and shaking his hand.
Atwater followed close behind Dawson, forcing Erin to step back as he pulled Jay in to an unexpected hug. "You look good, bro. Real good."
Jay dipped his head in response before Burgess, too, gave Jay a small hug. Her eyes met Erin's as the two friends shared a look of curiosity over Jay's presence. Erin shrugged, her eyes falling back onto Jay's— watching closely to assure herself that he was alright. That his random appearance was out of his own volition and because he was okay. Because he chose to stop by. Chose to make another step forward. Jay immediately noticed her lingering eyes and turned away from Burgess to meet Erin's gaze. The corners of his mouth lifted upwards slightly, silently informing her that he was alright.
"Uhh. Hey, man."
The smile instantly faltered on Jay's face as he turned to see Ruzek standing a few feet in from of him. He swallowed roughly, eyes lowering to focus on the scuffed up converse that covered Adam's feet.
"Ruzek." Jay mumbled.
"Look, it's really good to see you." A chuckle left Adam's lips as he continued, "To actually see you here. For a minute there, I was starting to think you were never coming back."
Jay's head snapped up, his eyes narrowing as he saw the grin on Ruzek's face. He couldn't help the overwhelming irritation that he instantly felt. "I'm not back, Ruzek."
"Right." Adam nodded in response. He scanned around the room briefly, noting that everyone had given them some space—Atwater and Dawson sat back in their desks and Erin and Kim had made their way into the break room. He sighed, "Look, I just wanted to say I'm glad you're doing okay. I've actually been wanting to talk to you. With everything that happened…I know it was a big shit-show and I'm just happy—"
"Ruzek!" Adam's eyes widened at the volume of Jay's voice. "I didn't come here to talk about our feelings. I came here to say 'hi' to everyone. Or do you have a problem with that?"
The bitterness of his words made Ruzek shift his weight uncomfortably as he shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but could immediately sense the hesitancy in Jay's eyes, and instead opted to end the conversation before things got too messy.
As he turned to walk away, Jay sighed, already regretting lashing out. He frowned, rubbing a hand across his forehead, "Look, Adam…I—"
Ruzek quickly waved off his words, a soft, nervous chuckle leaving his lips. "Nah…hey man. I get it. It's all good."
Before Jay got the chance to respond, the sound of a chair being pushed hard against the tiled floor shifted both of their attention towards Antonio. He ended a call on his phone as his eyes scanned the room.
"That was O. Two bodies were just pulled out of the lake. Voight wants us all to meet with the officers down at the scene."
Noting everyone's eyes still on his—blank expressions on their faces—Antonio shook his head, grabbing his coat as he quickly made his way to the back stairway. "We gotta roll. Now!"
In one quick motion, the unit began to rush towards the stairs, leaving Jay standing in the middle of the emptying bullpen. Erin lingered back, grabbing her coat as she made her way to stand next to her fiancé. She walked slowly towards his side, watching as his body stood rigid in the middle of the large room. His eyes were fixed on the disappearing forms of the unit down the staircase. Slowly, she reached her hand out, gently placing in on his back to shift his attention. "You good?"
Jay's eyes darted between Erin and the stairs before his shoulders slumped. "Yeah—I… I'm good. You should get going."
"Jay, it's fine. They can wait a second. You sure you're okay? Do you need a ride home?"
Finally shifting his attention from the stairs, Jay turned to fully face Erin. A smile was planted across his face, but it didn't meet his eyes. "No. Uhh, that's okay. I actually walked here, I don't mind walking back."
Erin's eyes widened in surprise as she scoffed. "You walked here? Jay, it's freezing outside."
"Erin, I'm good. I'll call Will if it's honestly that big of a deal."
"Okay, but Jay—"
Jay shook his head, taking a step back from her. The far-off sounds of the unit could be heard as Dawson's voice bellowed up the back stairs, calling for Erin. "You should go."
Erin sighed, but didn't disagree as she moved forward, grazing her hand against his back once more. She took two steps forward before turning, giving him a solid glance as he nodded a silent reply. Trying to let her know he really was alright. That he would be okay. That being in this room didn't make his chest tighten and a lump form in his throat.
His eyes scanned the room once again. Settling in one Mouse's desk—now scattered with new files and paperwork. He had heard brief mentions from Erin that no one had filled the spot yet—Voight being unwilling to get a new tech person until someone with the same expertise was found. But he hadn't focused much on the information. As far as he knew, that meant extra workload for each of the members of the unit, bribing a CI for extra information, and occasionally borrowing a tech-savvy officer to help along a case.
Swallowing the still-growing lump in his throat, Jay turned his attention from the desk, his feet unintentionally carrying him towards his own. He sat, slumping heaving in his chair as his eyes scanned over the ever-tidy surface. It seemed oddly familiar. As if it had been untouched—or as close to it as possible— since the last time he had been there. His fingers skimmed over the keys of the keyboard, and then the hard wood surface of the desk before a tear spilled from his eyes.
Once the single tear fell, he couldn't help the silent sobs that broke from his chest. Hunched over, he buried his face deep within the confines of his hands on top of his desk as his emotions overflowed. As the sound of a busy case filled his ears—ideas being tossed widely across the bullpen— laughter, disagreements, and celebrations.
And then the image of Mouse played through his mind. Beanie covered head as he shook off the cold. The wide smirk across his face as he conveniently forgot information until a crisp fifty was pulled from deep within Jay's pocket. His first day in intelligence, a grateful grin spilled across his face as he settled in with a beer down in the tech room with Jay. An act that quickly became tradition for the two after bad days, heavy cases, and the most difficult weeks.
The sobs continued to break through Jay's chest as his mind swam with memories. Filled with images. Jay powerless to stop the gut-wrenching guilt. The overpowering blame that he had felt ripping him apart as the tears flowed endlessly down his face.
Again, thanks so much for reading! There's still a lot more story to tell, and I'm always up for suggestions if there's anything ya'll want to see happen to Jay or linstead! Leave me a review or send me a PM :)
