Wow. I know it's been a while. Sorry for the wait! It's a bit longer and hopefully it's a good one so it (at least partially) makes up for it :) Enjoy!
"So tell me, why is it that you feel responsible for the events that happened that night?"
The simple question, one that had been avoided for over a month of dreaded sessions—at least on Jay's end—was now coming back with a vengeance. Being asked in such a definitive tone that it gave no room for avoidance. No room to dodge. Why did he feel responsible?
Jay sighed, rubbing the rough pads of his fingertips across his forehead as his eyes fell shut. As he tried desperately to clear his mind from wandering, from once again relieving and replaying visions through his mind. Instead, he focused his attention on his bottom lip—which he knew by now he had to have practically chewed a hole through—before slowly opening his eyes.
He wasn't surprised to be met with Dr. Charles' awaiting stare. A soft smile was planted on the psychiatrist's lips as he waited. He never forced answers out of Jay, but he also wasn't one to allow him to think he could get away with evading questions. Always waiting, giving him a look that implied that he knew when answers were being avoided or questions were being dodged. Knew when to store information back to pull it out to discuss further at a later date. Unfortunately for Jay, it seemed like his time for avoidance was up.
Rolling his eyes, a humorous chuckle spilled from Jay's lips as he leaned forward on the couch. As his eyes met Dr. Charles' with such an intensity, that it would make most people cower backwards. But the older man matched his gaze, nodding to urge Jay to answer to question.
"I feel responsible—" Jay started, sarcasm dripping from each word, "—because it's my fucking fault. Because Ruzek wouldn't have been shot and almost bled out if it wasn't for me. Because Mouse would still be alive if it wasn't for me."
The psychiatrist only let out a short 'hmm' at Jay's words. He let silence fill the small room as his eyes followed Jay's movements, watching as he dropped his head to his hands once again. After a moment passed, Dr. Charles raised an eyebrow in curiosity, "What makes you so sure?"
Jay's head shot up, his eyes narrowing, venom spitting through the single-syllable word, "What?"
Dr. Charles gave a short shrug, disregarding Jay's anger, "What makes you believe the events of that night would have turned out any differently if your part in it had changed?"
"You're serious?" Jay couldn't help the large chuckle that left his lips at the question.
What difference would it have made?
Everything would have turned out differently. The whole night was on him. If his part had changed—if he had double checked facts, been better prepared, trusted the right people—none of this would have happened.
Jay met Dr. Charles' awaiting stare as a deep groan reverberated from within. He didn't want to get into the details. Didn't want to relive the night, but he wanted—needed— this to all go away. The constant tightening in his chest. The constant feeling of guilt. No one needed his pity—especially Mouse.
Whether he was alive to witness it or not. Mouse didn't deserve to have Jay constantly fuck up, over and over again—being rectified in his actions under the false justification of 'grief' or 'trying to get past it'. He needed to stop.
"Jay, avoidance won't help you to move past this," Dr. Charles spoke calmly. His voice echoing Jay's inner-thoughts in such a precise way that Jay's eyes widened in surprise as he stared the psychiatrists down.
"I want to know what it is you think would have changed if your part in that evening would have changed. Maybe, something you believe would have altered the events of that nigh—"
"I don't know what you're wanting me to tell you here!" Jay's voice was hard as he spoke. A sheer glaze covered his eyes and he took a slow, deep breath before focusing his attention blankly ahead, "I keep telling you it was on me. That it was my fault. Because we wouldn't have even been in that house if it wasn't for me. It was my CI who gave me the information. I was the one who suggested we set up surveillance on that house."
His gaze focused in on a small tear in the leather of the armchair as images flashed through his mind.
Images of Mouse's wide, panic-filled eyes glued on his. Silently begging him as the gun pressed against him pushed harder against his temple. As the forearm tightening around his neck gave less and less room for oxygen.
And Jay nodded. Once in confirmation. In something that they had been forced to learn as combat skills for the Rangers. As something that had proven effective so many years earlier when a man had had a gun pressed tightly against Mouse's head at the twenty-first district.
But he stilled— a moment of hesitation.
The moment it took for his fingers to curl around his piece stowed away at his side. The moment it took for Mouse to choke out a strangled breath and regain his balance after he sent a sharp elbow into the chin of the man at his side.
That moment was all it took.
The images in his mind turned to jumbled chaos as he kept his eyes locked on the spot next to Dr. Charles' frame. As the sound of a gunshot ricocheted through his head and Mouse's limp body falling inches in front of him registered in his mind. Flashes of sounds—of screams filling his ears as more gunshots invade his memory.
Biting at his bottom lip, he sucked in a large breath as his eyes darkened. As his chest rose and fell in quick, unsteady patterns. "My CI gave me the location. My CI gave me the false information. And my CI was the one who pulled the trigger that night. It's on me."
"Jay—"
"No! Don't you dare try to tell me this wasn't on me! Everything…. everything was my fault." The anger he had been fighting back came billowing out. Flooding out of him in intense waves as he met Dr. Charles' cool gaze with intense, hard eyes.
He didn't understand why no one else could get it. Why everyone seemed to look past the blatantly obvious facts about that night. The facts about that case. Sure, they had checked information. Yes, the team had thought that the suspect was in custody and surveillance was being set up at the house of the suspect's girlfriend—while she was out of the country none the less.
But the simple facts came down to this: he was the one who received the information from his CI. His CI was well aware that they had the wrong guy in custody. His CI led them to that house. And it was his CI who shot Mouse a few feet in front of him.
Dr. Charles exhaled slowly, gaging Jay's disposition before speaking, "From what I am aware about this case, protocol was followed properly. You were at that house to do surveillance while your unit was interrogating the man who was the main suspect of a homicide. You had eye-witness reports, a ballistic match on the gun. And the two other men involved were being arrested at the time. There was nothing to lead you to believe that your CI would have any sort of involvement in the case." Dr. Charles paused, trying to gain Jay's attention, to get him to focus on the facts he was laying out. That he knew had been told to Jay numerous times previously. "Sometimes we can do everything correctly and mistakes are still made."
"Mistakes?" Jay shook off the words, incapable of processing anything coming out of the psychiatrist's mouth, unable to continue the conversation any further. "It doesn't matter. None of that matters. What matters is that Mouse is dead. Ruzek was nearly killed. And I froze," his shoulders fell in defeat as his eyes met the older man's, "I didn't react fast enough. Maybe if I would have none of this would have happened."
.
Erin couldn't help the smile that spread across her face as she watched the hour hand switch over. Her thumb traced delicate patterns over the small swell of her sweatshirt as she stood from the waiting room chair. Her smile only grew as she heard the familiar sound of the door to the psychiatry room click as the handle turned. She took quick strides to meet Jay as the door swung open.
"You read—" her smile instantly fell as she took in his disheveled appearance— blotchy face and red-rimmed eyes.
Stopping dead in her tracks, her eyes focused on his downcast expression. The way he took in sharp breaths as his chest fell heavy beneath his black hoodie. His eyes seemed to stay locked on the ground, and for a moment she wasn't sure if she needed to repeat herself. Wasn't even sure if he was aware of her presence.
After a few seconds, Jay's head snapped up, focusing in on Erin before a large sigh left his lips and a genuine smile fell across his face. The color that was drained only moments before instantly rushed back as his smile grew. "You ready?"
Erin opened her mouth to speak, her eyes wide as she looked over his features, taking in his sudden shift in mood. But she chose to ignore the sudden change and instead quickly nodded as he gestured her into the hospital corridor.
As they walked down the halls and into the elevator, Erin studied Jay's face cautiously. Scanning the hard lines that seemed to be etched permanently across his face as he stared at the quickly-rising numbers before the elevator came to an abrupt halt.
"I'm good, Erin."
His sudden and always-present knowledge of her wordless concern made her eyes widen slightly as they exited the elevator. And he stole a quick glance at her—raising his eyebrows knowingly as they rounded a corner leading to another corridor.
"The session was rough today. Have been for a while. And they probably won't be getting easier. But it's getting easier. All of it. I'm good. I promise," he reassured, letting her take the lead as she stepped into a small waiting room and gave him a wide smile and soft nod before turning to talk to a young woman behind the desk to check herself in.
Minutes later, the two found themselves sitting in comfortable silence as Jay's leg bounced with nervous energy while he scanned out the waiting area. It was merely empty—save for a noticeably pregnant woman and a small toddler running wildly around.
Jay smiled as he watched the little boy pick up a magazine, then a stuffed animal, then head straight for a chair—crawling onto it then back off repeatedly as he giggled in entertainment.
Jay's smile only grew as he felt Erin's warm hand rest over his, and he turned his palm as she interlaced their fingers. He tilted his head towards her, expecting to meet her eyes, but instead found her just as entranced with the small boy as he had been moments ago. Her eyes sparkled as she watched him clap his hands together excitedly at his own private joke.
Jay kept his eyes locked on her face as a small, timid smile fell against her lips. The two stayed like that—silently watching as the small toddler shuffled around the waiting room. And when her name was called, it took the pair a minute to notice. A minute before the nurse called out her name once again and Erin stood quickly, Jay following pursuit closely behind.
As they were led into a small room, Jay's heartrate began to pick up as he observed the pamphlets, posters, and equipment that seemed to fill up every inch of the room. And his nervous energy only seemed to grow as Erin moved to sit at the exam table while he moved by her side.
A light smile fell against his lips as he watched Erin mindlessly graze her fingers across her stomach. And he found himself relaxing as he followed the patterns she traced into the fabric of her t-shirt before a light tapping sounded at the door. As a middle aged doctor stepped inside and beamed over to them, "Miss Lindsay, so nice to finally meet you."
Erin lifted her gaze from her abdomen as she gave a small nod. "Dr. Kelly."
"And you must be Jay," Dr. Kelly extended her hand out towards him as she continued, "Will and Nat have told me so much about the two of you. So sorry I missed your last appointment."
Erin waved off her apology as she sat further back on the table and positioned herself for the ultrasound. The doctor's questions flowed quickly as she went down a list of normal hormonal changes and pregnancy symptoms and Erin answered with a similar speed as her eyes found Jay's. As she watched him look between her and the the equipment and then finally on the clear gel as Dr. Kelly spread it lightly across the small swell of Erin's abdomen.
"Alright, there we are," she pointed towards the screen as the black and grey image stirred within it. "Everything seems to be completely healthy. Normal weight gain and movement. Were you interested in learning the sex today?"
Erin and Jay's heads both snapped from the screen at her words. Shock evident on both of their faces as her words registered. "The wha—what?" Erin managed to choke out, her voice filled with a low-level of panic.
The doctor eyed both Erin and Jay before continuing cautiously, "I'm assuming that Nancy mentioned at your last visit you would be able to find out today? You're at about nineteen weeks and the baby seems to be in optimal viewing position." When neither responded, she pushed forward, "Were you interested in learning the gender?"
Erin inhaled a deep, nervous breath as her eyes drifted towards the chair to her right. She watched the corners of Jay's mouth lift into a small grin before he reached between them and grabbed her hand resting above her belly. Interlacing their fingers, he gave her a small nod. A motion indicating exactly what he wanted, but still letting her be the one to make the final decision.
Erin smiled back to him, allowing their eyes to meet for a brief moment before turning her attention towards Dr. Kelly. "Yeah. Yes—I think we'd like to know the gender," she felt Jay's grip tighten on her hand as she focused on the image on the screen.
Dr. Kelly nodded in acknowledgement before she began moving the transducer around Erin's stomach. She paused briefly to point of particular body parts as the small image on the screen moved slightly in and out of focus. Jay's eyes stayed glued to the image. Entranced by each of the movements as the grin on his face became wider and wider.
"Congratulations, looks like you two will be the parents of a baby girl in May."
Erin mouth fell open in shock as the words processed through her mind. As the sound of Jay's soft chuckling sounded beside her and her head lulled to the side. Eyes searching for his. Finding comfort the second his gaze landed on hers and the breath she was unaware she had been holding in finally left her lips. Watching the large, toothy grin spread across his face, Erin couldn't help but to smile back as she watched Jay turn back towards the monitor. His eyes brightening as the soft thudding of a heartbeat invaded their ears.
Erin waited for Dr. Kelly to clear the gel from her stomach before she sat up and began readjusting her clothing. "I'd like to get you on regular monthly appointments so Lucy at the front desk can arrange that for you. Also, I would like for you to continue with prenatal vitamins and begin thinking about any classes you may be interested in taking as first time parents. Any questions?"
Erin and Jay both shook their heads before being motioned out of the office. After a stop at the receptionist desk, the pair found themselves walking back towards the elevators and out towards the parking lot of Chicago Med. As the wind picked up around them, Erin subconsciously leaned closer towards Jay, needing the heat he always seemed to radiate off him—despite the cold Chicago winters. And a soft smile formed on her lips as she felt his arm drape across her shoulders and pull her closer towards him as they walked towards the car.
The ride home was filled with comfortable silence as Jay rested his head on the soft leather backing of the passenger's seat. His eyes watching the busy-moving traffic as he kept his mind focused on Erin's doctor's appointment. Kept his thoughts away from those of his own session with Dr. Charles earlier in the morning. Away from the memories and the guilt that had become constantly associated with the hour long appointments. He wasn't lying when he had said that they were helping, and he knew they were necessary, but it didn't make it any easier. Didn't make them any easier.
The dinging of the car door snapped him out of his thoughts as Erin excited the car. As he followed in quick strides to the apartment, just enough steps behind to catch her fallen coat from its spot beside the hook and re-position her shoes at the mat by the front door. He couldn't help but to laugh as he tidied the path Erin seemed to constantly leave behind her. But as he refocused on the apartment, his face quickly fell as he watched Erin disappear behind the bedroom door.
He knew it shouldn't matter. Knew she was probably in a rush to head to the precinct after taking the morning off. But he couldn't help the slight disappointment he felt. And after a moments pause, he found himself moving towards the bedroom door. Lighting rapping against it before swinging it open to find Erin cross-legged on the middle of the bed.
"You headin' to the district?"
Erin shook her head as she tried to stifle a yawn behind her hand. "Hank gave me the day. Thinks a doctor's appointment is going to wear me out or have me unfocused on the job."
A soft chuckle left Jay's lips as he watched Erin roll her eyes at Voight's already overprotective behavior. And he watched in nervous hesitation as she once again yawned before she gave up all pretenses of a productive afternoon and let her body relax into the bed. Snuggling her face into the pillow as her body curled slightly before he took a few cautious steps forward. Towards the bed and sat down beside her.
He wasn't sure how she was going to respond. Wasn't sure quite how to 'fix this' like he had very determinedly proclaimed to his brother a couple of weeks ago. But he knew that he needed to. And the fact that she wasn't immediately kicking him off of their bed was a good sign. Wasn't immediately reminding him that they had pretty much avoided anything too personal besides a soft touch, or a kiss outside of the Purple Pig. Telling him that the guest bed was up for grabs or the couch was free as well.
Of course, she had never officially made him sleep in either of those places. If anything, much like everything else about the last few months, that was on him. After the week he spent practically locked up in their bedroom when Erin and Will dragged him home, he found himself automatically making his way towards the guest bedroom every evening. Forcing separation between the two of them. Keeping her far enough away that he was sure she wouldn't get suck in the crossfire of whatever messed up shit was going on in his mind.
But as he felt Erin's fingers curl against the back of his hand, he shifted his attention towards her. Watched as her drowsy eyes peeked up at him and a smile spread across her face before she tugged gently on his hand. Guiding him to lay down next to her, so they were facing one another.
For a moment they just lay there, both silently watching the other. Soft gazes roaming over the heavy lines on the other's face. Assessing the past and hoping for whatever the future would allow for them before Jay's gentle voice filled the small space between their bodies. "Thank you for letting me come with today."
Erin's eyes opened a little wider— the drowsiness vanishing instantly. "You don't have to thank me. You should have been at the first one too. I shouldn't have done that to you, I just don't…I didn't—"
"Hey—" he cut her off, bringing a hand up to rest at the small swell of her stomach as his fingers danced softly against the cool fabric of her shirt. "It's all good. What happened wasn't on you. I wasn't...I didn't make any of it easy on you."
A large frown fell against her lips as she listened to him once again put all the blame on himself. She needed him to know that she was there. Supporting him. Helping him. Doing whatever necessary to feel how he needed to.
It was impossible to be the same as how he was before Mouse had died. Erin knew that. It wasn't something that would take time or that he could work to getting back to. He needed to find a new version of himself. Like she had after her dad had left as a kid. After Bunny had turned to drugs each time. After each new husband seemed to come and go. After Voight took her in. After Camille had died. And then Nadia.
After she knew Jay had done with his dad. After Afghanistan. After coming home and finding out his mom was worse than anyone had led him into believing. After she had passed away. After Ben Corson. And now Mouse.
There was no going back to being the person he was a few months ago. Not even if he wanted to. She wasn't naive enough into thinking things were going to be the exact same. But why should they be? Why would she want them to be?
There still was a lot to figure out. Hell, Jay's reaction from his session earlier proved to Erin there was still a lot more going on with him than she was fully aware of. But she would be there. Like he always had been for her. Always would be. She would be whatever he needed her to be as he figured out where to go next. How to fully move past this—to carry Mouse with him instead of carrying the weight of him.
"Hey," Jay's soft voice broke her out of her thoughts as her gaze met his concerned eyes. He watched her for a moment—seeming to asses her before he slowly nodded and pulled her closer to him, resting his chin on top of her head. "Let's get some sleep, yeah?"
Erin nodded against his chest as she felt him move to brush his lips lightly against her forehead. As she inhaled his familiar scent and her body relaxed further against his. She lifted her head, chin digging slightly into his chest as her eyes met his. Leaning forward, her lips met his as she sighed contently against his lips before pulling back and snuggling back into his embrace. She let her mind wander once again with sleep-filled thoughts before the gentle hums and even breathing of her partner lulled her to sleep.
The first part of this one was harder to write than I anticipated. I figured out what happened with Mouse right after I wrote the first chapter, but it's a lot harder to write then just picturing it! I like to be really detailed, which is why I liked giving away clues at a time. But now I'm not sure how much you all want? Let me know how much more of that part you would like to know as far as details into Mouse's death.
Anyways, I still have a few ups and downs planned in the next few chapters! Please review and let me know what ya'll thought! :)
