Yay! In this chapter, folks, we get a Donut!


Mate #3: Nightcloud

In WindClan one morning...

'Yawn,' Crowfeather yawned as he woke up in the warriors' den. 'I feel like a toastie this morning.'

'Shut up,' Owlwhisker kicked him in the shin.

'Ow!' Crowfeather complained. 'You guys are so mean.'

'Theres only one other cat in the den idiot.'

'Idiot yourself!'

'You keep tossing into my nest at night! I woke up twice because of you last night!'

'Well it's not my fault if I'm asleep at the time, you know!'

'I wouldn't put it past you, Crowfeather, to do it in your dreams on purpose!'

'I said I wanted a toastie!'

A grey she-cat padded into the warriors den. 'Stop bickering, you two!' she snapped. 'Haven't you heard? Onestar is calling a Clan meeting because it's Valentine's Day!'

'It's not my fault this piece of fox dung started arguing with me!'

'What?! No he started arguing with me!'

'Liar!'

'ZIP UP!' the she-cat screamed. So the other two zipped up.

'It's BOTH of your faults! You're already late! Hurry up before Onestar starts the meeting!' she continued.

Crowfeather and Owlwhisker scrambled out of the den.

'Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather here under the HighDiscoPlaza for a Clan meeting! All cats of WindClan, gather round! Last call before I begin the meeting!' Onestar called from the HighDiscoPlaza.

Crowfeather, Owlwhisker and the she-cat, Willowclaw, ran over and seated themselves at the foot of the disco plaza with all the other cats.

'I still didn't get my toastie,' Crowfeather grumbled.

'Cats of WindClan,' Onestar began. '...'

'IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!' he burst out excitedly. 'A time to find love! I've put every she-cat's name in a hat, and every tom's name in a hat, and Ashfoot will pick one from each hat at a time, so that'll determine your dance partner! Ashfoot, do the honours!'

Ashfoot stepped up to the HighDiscoPlaza and drew out piece of paper out if the 'she-cat' hat. 'Willowclaw,' she read out. The she-cats cheered, and the cat which had gone to fetch Crowfeather and Owlwhisker blushed.

Ashfoot reached in the 'tom' hat for another piece of paper. 'will be paired with...Owlwhisker.'

Willowclaw was furious. 'That loser?!' she hissed.

'Rules are the rules!' Onestar jumped up. 'Next pair!'

...

'And now, for the last pair, we have' - Ashfoot reached into the toms' hat first - 'Crowfeather and... Nightcloud!'

Polite applause.

'Hey beautiful,' Crowfeather flirted.

'Hey stupid,' Nightcloud flirted back.

'Wowza! She likes me! Check me out toms - wait, did you just call me stupid..?'

...

'Now for the dance,' Onestar grinned. He turned on '1860s Waltz' on his DJ machine.

'But I wanted to be the DJ!' Harekit whined.

Another kit socked him.

The cats began to waltz.

Da-da, da-da, da-da, *da-daAa toot-toot*. Da-da, da-da, da-da, *da-daAa toot-*

-"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?!"

"-Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-YIP-yip-yip-yip!" Loud disco music blasted out of the DJ machine.

"Yaaaaaaay!" cried everyone.

"I wanted to be the DJ," Harekit sulked.

The other kit socked him again.

Crowfeather and Nighcloud danced the best.

"OMS I love you Nightcloud, you lump of beautififulness," Crowfeather flirted as he danced.

"OMS I love you Crowfeather, you lump of stupidness," Nightcloud flirted back.

"Why thank you; CHECK ME OUT TOMS I- hey, did you just call me stupid again?"

"She did," sneered Owlwhisker.

"I WANT TO BE THE DJ!" Harekit screeched.

"I guess you're just jealous that I got the best dance partner," Crowfeather glared coolly. (That's coolly as in frostily, not coolly as in awesomely.)

"Oh really?" Owlwhisker went on smugly.

"I SAID I WANT TO BE THE DJ!" Harekit screamed.

"I bet," Owlwhisker continued, "that just like your with your other queenfriends, you will split up and break down and when I'm with Willowclaw and you'll be single I'll just rub it in."

"Why thank you," Willowclaw blushed. "I'm flattered, really I am- HEY WAIT A SECOND DID YOU JUST SAY "WHEN I'M WITH WILLOWCLAW"?! DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?! DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?! GET THE DARK FOREST OUT OF MY LIFE YOU *insert rude swear word*! I AM NEVER EVER DATING A TOM! TOMS ARE LOSERS! NOW MOVE IT AND GET A LIFE YOU *repeat swear word*!"

Owlwhisker flinched. "Sorry my lovely," he apologised, "it's just that-"

"I WANNA BE THE *repeat Willowclaw's swear word* DJ!" Harekit threw a fit.

"I HATE YOU!" And Willowclaw shoved a mouldy rotten pain-pérdû in Owlwhisker's face and stormed off.

"I know. He's so brainless," whispered Crowfeather as she passed him.

Willowclaw shoved a piece of stinky worm-bread in Crowfeather's face.

She stomped off cursing.

"Well at least you got your toastie," Nightcloud commented.

...

"Ok ladies and gents, time to announce the winners of the "Best & Cutest Couple Prize" and the "Rubbishest and Annoyingest Couple Prize" !" Onestar announced in the HighDiscoPlaza.

"Ooh yay!" cheered an apprentice.

"I hate you I so so SOOOO wanted to be the DJ!" glared Harekit.

"Well I'm fine if you hate me 'cos I can tell you right now that you didn't win any prizes," Onestar waved his tail dismissively. "Anyway, the prizes are both marriage tickets!"

The crowd half-heartedly cheered.

"The winners: And for the brave triumphant winner of the Best and Cutest Couple Prize we haaaAAAaaave..."

Crowfeather held his breath.

"...Hungrypaw and the Donut!"

There were a few aawws of disappointment from the crowd, but Hungrypaw happily kissed her Donut and beamed. (Hungrypaw is not mentioned in the books. She has been forgotten, or maybe the Erins don't like her because she ate their computer)

"Yaaaay!" There was some applause though because for no apparent reason Hungrykit was popular.

"I'm so happy and so hungry!" Hungrykit smiled and kissed her Donut again.

More applause.

Hungrykit then demolished the Donut in one bite.

"Aaaawww," went the crowd sadly.

"Hey!" somecat shouted. "I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat your husband!"

Hungrykit shrugged. "I guess I better hope prisons have decent meals then."

...

"Ok listen up folks now for the winner of the Rubbishest and Annoyingest Couple Prize, which goes toooOOOooo..."

Crowfeather held his breath once more; this time, in hope that he wasn't the winner.

"Crowfeather and Nightcloud!"

Crowfeather sighed as the crowd cheered. But then he realised that the crowd was not booing. That was a good sign.

"Oh!" Nightcloud breathed. (she's kind of a Mary-Sue) "Oh Crowfeather, look! We'll be getting marriage tickets! I love you so much, you're so stupid it's adorable!"

"Well," Crowfeather blushed, trying to look as if he was trying to look modest but actually was failing, "I do think it runs in the family. I know, I'm fantastically dumb. You can go thank Ashfoot for that."

"Why thank you," Ashfoot meowed sincerely. (She had been paired with Onestar for the dance, surprise surprise) "You've always been such a dear and kind son, Crowfeather. I really quite - HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, DID YOU JUST SAY..?!"

It was then that Crowfeather decided to make a run for it.

...

Nightcloud felt excited as she took her place at the back of the cathedral, all dressed up in her pretty white wedding dress. (That's pretty as in slightly, not pretty as in beautiful. And it was only slightly white because Hungrykit had by mistake spilled a tub of Heinz ketchup she was eating onto it. Barkface had to hastily wash it twice with bleach)

The music started.

As the procession began, Brambleclaw appeared at the Minister's podium.

"Hey!" Onestar spluttered. "What's a ThunderClan cat doing here?!"

The music abruptly stopped.

"I'm supposed to be the Minister, remember?" Brambleclaw hissed, embarrassed.

"You're not even wearing SUNGLASSES!" Onestar yelled.

The crowd flinched.

"And you're not supposed to yell in a cathedral!" another cat meowed crossly.

"I DON'T CARE! I'M NOT LETTING THAT MANIAC FROM THUNDERCLAN LEAD A WEDDING OF TWO CATS IN MY CLAN WITHOUT A DECENT PAIR OF SHADES ON!" Onestar bellowed.

Brambleclaw glared. "Fine," he hissed. "I'll get a quick pair from SpecSavers."

And in a poof the tom was gone.

A few minutes later Brambleclaw strolled back into the cathedral with sunglasses on. They were the big, fancy leopard-type ones with the word "Baby" written on them.

The crowd gasped in horror.

"I know, I know," Brambleclaw sighed. "SpecSavers had run out of my size, so I ended up at Praza instead."

Although Onestar seemed pleased, there were still a few murmurs of disapproval throughout the church hall.

The procession started again. As the music played on, Nightcloud and the bridesmaids walked slowly to the front of the church to where Crowfeather and Brambleclaw were waiting for them. Crowfeather was dressed in a groom's suit. It looked quite hot.

"Hey gorgeous," he whispered as she arrived by him. He clearly was sweating a lot from the suit; it was all tight around his neck. Annoyingly tight. And itchy...

Then Brambleclaw began to ramble. Ministers don't usually ramble, except Brambleclaw wasn't usually a Minister, normally he was just a very boring cat.

"...we gather here today...due to a valid marriage ticket...now please, may the flower kit present the ring."

The flower kit, which just happened to be Harekit, appeared down the aisle, dragging with him a basket of pretty wilted petals. He was unenthusiastically tossing them about. The kit clearly was still mad about earlier when he had not been allowed to be the DJ.

"Stop scratching your neck," Nightcloud hissed to Crowfeather.

"I can't!" Crowfeather hissed back, glaring. "This suit's boiling!"

"THEN BOIL FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE!" Nightcloud whispered angrily, a little too loudly. She recieved a lot of cross glares.

Meanwhile, the petals Harekit were throwing everywhere seemed to be fully-fledgedly rotten. An awful smell of mouldy blossoms had begun to waft up in the room among the guests.

"Eeeeeewww," Leafpool wrinkled up her nose. (Leafpool was attending the marriage due to Squirrelflight telling her it would only be "generous" to come since she had been Crowfeather's previous queenfriend, and she had to be "supportive". In truth it had just been to get Leafpool away so Squirrelflight could raid her sister's make-up supply)

A few cats in the crowd got up and left.

"Stop itching," Nightcloud still persisted.

By the end of their marriage ceremony, the only cats left in the cathedral were Crowfeather, Nightcloud and Brambleclaw.

A lotta moons later...

By now Nightcloud and Crowfeather had had a son, named Breezepelt. Tomorrow night the Gathering would occur. Right now, the couple were arguing with their son.

"...Get your lazy tail down here Crowfeather and actually do some flippin' work!" Nightcloud shouted.

"What's wrong now?!" Crowfeather whined.

"Your son's trying to set the WindClan camp on fire!"

"Why on earth would he be doing that?!" Crowfeather yelled.

"I think he's having a psycho attack!" Nightcloud screamed worriedly in reply.

"Whatever. He's ALREADY a psycho!" Crowfeather shrieked.

"Well do something you incompetent lump of brainlessness, we're about to get burnt to a crisp because of your son!"

"He's your son too you know Nightcloud!"

"Whatever! We divorce! I hate you! I can't believe I once liked your dumbness!" Nightcloud was mad.

"Fine! We divorce!"

And just like that, Brambleclaw appeared and muttered some words about "once husband and wife, I proclaim you divorced," and poofed off.

It was done.

...

Miraculously, the next night, Nightcloud, and the rest if the clans for that matter, found out from a shouty Hollyleaf at the Gathering that Crowfeather had also been the father to three ThunderClan cats: Jayfeather, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf. But there's no way you could have know that, right? Hmm. *wink*wink*.

I guess we just learn something new every day.


AAAARGH! Have I not even done a disclaimer yet?! Aargh!

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN WARRIORS, ONLY CROWFEATHER'S DUMBNESS, WILLOWCLAW'S SHOUTYNESS, BRAMBLECLAW'S BORINGNESS AND HUNGRYKIT'S DONUT.

Anyway, some other time mah friends.

-funny-ator :)