Hey peeps, sorry I haven't been posting for a while.
Mate #4: Swallowtail
Now, before we begin this chapter, let me explain: Swallowtail was a witch. Or a cat with slightly magical powers anyway. She brewed potions and could work charms, so I guess counted as being a full-fledged witch. Now, all of WindClan knew about this and were okay with it and bla bla bla, as long as Swallowtail didn't perform any EVIL magic. Otherwise she would be punished...
One morning, when about half a moon had past since Crowfeather had divorced Nightcloud...
"Yawn." Swallowtail stretched her arms and walked out of the warriors den.
Willowclaw looked up from the WindClan Herald to look at Swallowtail. "Gee, Swallowtail, did one of the toms wake you up in the night again?"
"No, actually, I mostly stayed awake brewing potions last night, but who cares? They're still annoying."
"I know, right. Like, toms suck. I'm glad we're both single. Otherwise I would totally not be your best friend anymore."
"You are very right, Willowclaw my friend," Swallowtail agreed. "And if you weren't single anymore, then I would totally not be your best friend anymore either."
Ashfoot ran about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified grape-hare.
"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified grape-hare?" Willowclaw asked.
"DUH!" screamed Sorreltail from ThunderClan.
Ashfoot slowed down excitedly. "WINDCLAN WEEKLY! Roll up, roll up, make way for our WindClan Weekly newspaper!"
Swallowtail yawned.
Willowclaw yawned.
Owlfeather burped.
"Boring!" muttered Swallowtail under her breath. "We read the WindClan Weekly every week! Nothing interesting ever happens in WindClan. Except for Crowfeather and his mates. Now those articles are true comedy."
"And gathering weeks, where there's usually a good picture of Blackstar picking his nose." commented Owlwhisker.
"Eeeeeeeeeewwwww, that is so disgusting!" screeched Willowclaw.
"What?!" screeched Owlwhisker. "No WAY! Nose-picking is so cool!"
Ashfoot fainted. WindClanAmbulances & co came to pick her up.
Willowclaw almost threw up. "Owlwhisker, bleeaauuurgh, seriously?! You toms are so repulsive!"
"I don't even know what that means," meowed Heathertail.
"Oh tom, you she-cats are so prissy!" Owlwhisker hurled back
"Like a said," Swallowtail sighed, "WindClan Weekly, 99% of the time - major boring-fest!"
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.
"What?!" screeched Owlwhisker. "No WAY! I love the pawball match statuses, and the hot she-cat article! Ooh, and the burping-contest stats, which I always win! OH YEAH, and the boxing! You can just imagine the sweat!"
Heathertail fainted. WindClanAmbulances & co came to pick her up.
"Toms suck!" whined Willowclaw.
"She-cats suck!" burped Owlwhisker.
Ashfoot toddled along. The argument had gone on for a while now, and she had been checked up by Mothwing Da Doctor, been told she was fine and bla bla bla, and went home to the WindClan camp. She sighed. "WindClan has too many stereotypes."
Swallowtail waddled to her hideout cave, brewed a sleeping potion, had a nap, and came back. Willowclaw and Owlwhisker were still arguing.
"TOMS SUCK!" Willowclaw bellowed, brandishing lipstick.
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan. (ignored)
"SHE-CATS SUCK!" Owlwhisker bellowed, brandishing a dirty pair of boxer shorts.
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan. (ignored)
Ashfoot (who had had a power nap in the meantime like Swallowtail) popped up, running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified apple-hare.
"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified apple-hare?" asked Swallowtail matter-of-factly.
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltial from ThunderClan.
"CLAN TATTLER! CLAN TATTLER! IT'S A NEW NEWSPAPER - COMING TO THE CLANS! CLANS TATTLER!"
Everycat's ears immediately perked up.
"Ooh! It must be so much better than the WindClan Weekly!" cried Heathertail. (who had toddled back from the hospital by now)
"Does it have pawball adverts and burping stats?" asked Owlwhisker excitedly.
"Pawball adverts! Burping stats, news, free boxer short coupons, and guaranteed pics of Blackstar picking his nose!" yowled Ashfoot.
Marshmallows rained down from the sky.
"Well that was random," meowed Heathertail.
"Yay! Who cares, this newspaper is gonna be awesome!" cheered Owlwhisker, grabbing a copy. Willowclaw sniffed.
Hungrykit came and ate all the marshmallows up.
Heathertail began to cry because she hadn't managed to have even one marshmallow.
Gummy bears rained down from the sky.
Heathertail cried even more because she didn't like gummy bears.
Hungrykit then ate all of the gummy bears.
"Don't look down, Willowclaw! Make-up tips, fashion ads, funny articles, free shampoo samples and HOT TOM articles are included as well!" Ashfoot grinned.
"Yay!" squealed Willowclaw, snatching a copy.
Soon, the Clan Tattler had sold out, and everyone was reading it. Well, everyone except for Harespring...
"Where's the Clan Tattler?!" he bellowed. "I WANT A COPY OF THE CLAN TATTLER!"
Ashfoot looked sheepish. "Sorry, Harespring," she meowed. "We sold out."
Harespring threw a fit.
"Look at this photo of Blackstar picking his nose!" Owlwhisker shouted to Onestar.
Onestar fainted. WindClanAmbulances & co came to pick him up.
Owlwhisker showed the ambulance cats the picture of Blackstar picking his nose.
The ambulance cats fainted as well.
Heathertail started screaming.
"I WANT A COPY OF THE CLAN TATTLER NOW!" screeched Harespring.
Liquorice chews rained down from the sky.
Heathertail grabbed some before Hungrykit could eat them.
"RANDOM!" shouted Ashfoot.
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltial from ThunderClan.
...
Meanwhile, Swallowtail and Willowclaw were browsing their copy of the Clan Tattler. Crowfeather was sitting nearby. He waggled his eyebrows at Swallowtail.
Gorsetail blushed.
"Oh look!" clapped Willowclaw. "Swallowtail! Hair tips!"
"Yeah! Sounds fun!" meowed Swallowtail dreamily. Her heart felt all fluttery, and her pelt hot...
"EXCEPT CATS DON'T HAVE HAIR, JUST PELTS!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.
'Oh yeah, then it's a bit useless," meowed Willowclaw. "But look on the next page! A "HOTTEST TOMS OF THE WEEK" list!"
Swallowtail's heart was rushing. She scanned the list, which was below an article about eating contests...
" BREAKING NEWS! WHO IS HUNGRYEST, GRAYSTRIPE OF CLOUDTAIL?
Yes, that's right, it's time to find out - two, hungry cats, both battling for the title of "Most Hungry Cat in the Clans"! Time for a competition...
First off, tensions are high, and Graystripe challenges Cloudtail to a randomness-eating dual, and kicks it off by eating the nearest tree...
"Hey!" shouts Thornclaw in gardening gloves. (ignored) "Don't hurt the poor trees!"
Cloudtail then smirks, and eats the Highledge. Graystripe growls.
"Hey!" shouts Thornclaw in gardening gloves. (ignored) "Don't hurt the poor Highledge!"
Firestar growled.
Graystripe ate the tunnel entrance (and Fallen Leaves inside).
Hollyleaf started to cry.
Cloudtail ate the medicine den.
Jayfeather started to cry.
Graystripe ate Cinderheart
Lionblaze started to cry.
Cloudtail ate Ferncloud and Daisy.
Graystripe ate the whole camp.
"It has been decided!" yowled Firestar. "Graystripe is the winner!"
Then Hungrykit came along and ate all the ThunderClan territory.
"Wrong!" she yelled. "I am the true winner! Behold, the Hungriest Cat in All of the Clans!"
Nobody cheered because they had all been eaten. "
"Wow!" Swallowtail exclaimed. "Willowclaw, look who's Number One on the list!"
" HOTTEST TOMS OF THE WEEK LIST!
10. Mintfur
9. Rowanclaw
8. Brackenfur
7. Mallownose
6. Weaselfur
5. Mistystar
4. Jayfeather
3. Smokefoot
2. Lionblaze
1. Crowfeather "
"The list is so great...and accurate..." sighed Swallowtail.
"Except Mistystar isn't a tom," meowed Willowclaw matter-of-factly.
Swallowtail gazed up dreamily. "Who cares?" Her gaze flickered to Crowfeather, lying on the ground, fur gleaming in the sunlight, wearing Onestar's stolen sunglasses...
He turned to look at her. She felt herself growing hot. "Tonight," he mouthed, and she nodded, her heart rushing. Crowfeather wants me to be his queenfriend!
Then Willowclaw started rambling once more, and Haribos started raing from the sky.
"Yay!" shouted Hungrykit.
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.
At the dead of night...
Swallowtail stood in the warm moonrise air, her misty, witchy dark grey fur swirling as fireflies buzzed around her pelt. She was slightly early, and had spent and hour brewing a special beauty charm which she had drunk in a bottle to mek herself look extra-beautiful.
"Hey gorgeous," soothed a voice.
Swallowtail spun round to stare at Crowfeather's night-dark pelt, and the sunglasses perched on his forehead. "Hey handsome," she whispered.
"So," he meowed, circling her, "wanna hook up?"
Swallowtail's heart rushed to her mouth. Finally! What she had wanted all along!
But she remembered Willowclaw's dire warning - " "I know, right. Like, toms suck. I'm glad we're both single. Otherwise I would totally not be your best friend anymore." " Oh no- if Crowfeather became her tomfriend, would Willowclaw never be friends with her again?
A shadow of a doubt passed her mind, but she forced herself to look at Crowfeather's handsome face, and she was utterly bewitched. "Crowfeather..." She couldn't give this great opportunity away, no matter what.
"Yes, Crowfeather, YES! I will hook up with you!"
But little did she know, that prying eyes were watching her and Crowfeather from a bush...
"Great!" Crowfeather meowed enthusiastically. "Let's get dating!"
Swallowtail nodded happily, her heart fizzing with excitement. "But can I just ask one more question?"
Crowfeather nodded.
Swallowtail took a deep breath. "Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"
...
Willowclaw paced around the warriors' den. Ugh, I can't believe that DISGUSTING tom TRICKED my friend into hooking up with him! And Swallowtail, after so many moons and seasons of being her best friend, she BETRAYED me!
"GGGGGGGRRRR! That *insert rude swear word* little tom will be SORRY! GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"Shut up," meowed Owlwhisker. Willowclaw's meow had just woken him up. "You're being an annoying fussy she-cat!"
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.
Everycat in WindClan woke up from the shout.
Sorreltail was arrested and put in prison by WindClanPolice & co.
Willowclaw's brain pinged like one of those cartoon light bulb thingies. "Of course!" she muttered. Tonight was the Gathering!
She ran to Swallowtail's brewing den. (Swallowtail had a different den from everybody else, as she brewed witch-charms, spells and potions in the night.) Swallowtail had just woken up (from Sorreltail's shout), and was nibbling on a scone with strawberry jam inside.
Willowclaw smiled devilishly. "Swallowtail, could I please borrow your potion book? See, I've got to get rid of this...scratch on my pad."
She noticed Swallowtail looking sheepish. "Ugh..." her (ex-)friend replied, "can't you just go to Kestrelflight? I'm the only cat supposed to do magic around here, and medicine spells have been banned by Onestar, so..."
"Aaww!" Willowclaw did big puppy eyes. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
Swallowtail shook her head. "No."
Then, suddenly, chocolate eggs began raining from the sky.
Swallowtail ran outside to catch some, along with Hungrykit and a Heathertail.
"Perfect," smirked Willowclaw evilly.
...
Everycat was getting ready for the Gathering. Ashfoot suddenly popped up, running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified banana-hare.
"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified banana-hare?" asked Swallowtail.
"GATHERING! GATHERING! WATCH OUT EVERYBODY, AND GET READY FOR THIS MOON'S GATHERING!"
"We know," sighed everbody.
"GET READY FOR THE GATHERING!" shouted Sorreltail from prison.
"WE KNOW!" shouted everybody.
Soon, everycat had toddled off to the Gathering island, and was sitting under the HighRunway. Willowclaw noticed that Swallowtail was sitting close to Crowfeather, and cuddling up close to him. She smiled, her teeth gleaming. Oh yes, Swallowtail was going to get quite a shock.
Mistystar went first, and started to drone about fish, fish, fish...and fish eyeballs.
"You kinda smell!" shouted an apprentice.
"WRONG! You totallystink!" shouted another apprentice.
Mistystar sulked off.
Then Firestar went, and started droning on about the warrior code, the warrior code, the warrior code and...skinny mice.
"You are boring!" shouted an apprentice.
"WRONG! You are MEGA-boring!" shouted another apprentice.
Firestar sulked off.
It was Blackstar's turn. He came on, picking his nose.
Firestar fainted. No-one came to pick him up.
Blackstar started droning on about coffee, coffee, coffee...and espressos.
"YOU'RE PICKING YOUR NOSE! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" shouted everycat except for Owlwhisker, who was cheering.
Blackstar was arrested.
Now, last but not least, Onestar's turn... Willowclaw's heartbeat quickened maliciously. MWAHAHAHAHAAHAA! Rvenege on Crowfeather, and Swallowtail for ditching her!
The HighRunway blew up.
BOOM.
Red carpets, disco lights, all sent tearing from the earth in one massive explosion of light, as the HighRunway ripped itself apart.
And Onestar.
Onestar.
Yes, well, he...went flying.
"CATS WERE BORN TO FLY!" he shouted in the air as he waved his arms about.
"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from prison.
Then Onetsar plummeted back to the island.
CRASH!
And...ouch.
"WHO DID THIS?" yelled Firestar, pointing to the pile of rubble that used to be the HighRunway.
Onestar rubbed the bruise on his forehead. "There could only have been one culprit..."
All eyes wer turned onto Swallowtail.
The next day, in the WindClan camp...
Ashfoot was running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified kiwi-hare.
"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified kiwi-hare?" asked Swallowtail.
"DUH!" I'll leave you to guess who generously shouted that out.
"CLAN MEETING! CLAN MEETING! ONESTAR WILL GIVE SWALLOWTAIL HER PUNISHMENT! CLAN MEETING, PEEPS!" Ashfoot yowled.
She tripped over.
And injured her face.
Sedgewhisker kicked her in the flank.
"Ouch," she mumbled.
"LET ALL CATS- OH WHATEVER JUST COME UNDER THE HIGHDISCOPLAZA YOU LAZY LUMPS OF FUR!" commanded Onestar.
Crisps started raing down from the sky.
"Finally! Something savoury," Owlwhisker rejoiced.
Hungrykit then ate all the crisps.
Owlwhisker burst into tears.
A tap-dancing fairy popped up, performed The Banana Song, and flew away.
A queen fainted.
"COME ON!" yowled Onestar impatiently. "WINDCLAN, YOU ARE BEING SLOWCOACHES!"
A kit burst into tears.
The apprentices put superglue on Onestar's chair.
Onestar sat down on his chair on the HighDiscoPlaza as everyone began to arrive.
"Cats, we have an issue - last night, at the Gathering, our noble WindClan was shamed as one very villainous cat tried to blow up the HighRunway-"
Gasps rang out.
"Shut up, you already know," Heathertail growled. (she was upset as she hadn't been able to eat any of the raining crisps)
"Oh yeah," meowed everyone.
"But thank goodness the villain only tried!" a cat shouted. "The HighRunway is safe!"
"-and, they succeeded," finished Onestar.
"Oh," meowed the cats.
"SHE HAS MISUSED WITCHCRAFT, AGAINST OUR LAWS!" Onestar bellowed. "LET HER BE PUNISHED! GUARDS, BRING HER IN!"
Two kits toddled in, dragging Swallowtail behind him.
"SWALLOWTAIL! SHE HAS BROKEN THE WARRIOR CODE!" shrieked a warrior.
"DRIVE HER OUT!"
"KILL HER!"
"NUM NUM NUM!"
"TORTURE HER!"
"EXILE HER!"
Onestar held out his paw as if to say stop. "She WILL be punished - Swallowtail, I condemn you, for your fault of misuse of the rare talent of witchcraft you possess, I ex-e-CAT you!"
Gasps.
"But where do we get an axe?" asked Owlwhisker.
"I said exeCATed," sighed Onestar. "Condemned to apprentice duties forever."
"BUT IT WASN'T ME!" protested Swallowtail. From the crowd, Willowclaw smirked. Oh, how her plan had worked!
"Being execated means that she must always be the one to change bedding, remove ticks, and grab herbs-" Onestar explained.
"YAY! WE'RE FREE!" cheered the apprentices.
"-and-" Willowclaw held her breath, as she had been waiting for this, "-they may not have a mate."
"NOOOOO!" shrieked Crowfeather.
"REMOVE MAH TICKS!" commanded Tornear the elder.
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wept Swallowtail.
Doughnuts rained down from the sky.
Heathertail ate them all.
Hungrykit burst into tears. Serves her right.
So life went back to normal. Crowfeather forced himself to admit that perhaps Swallowtail was never meant for him...
"Ah," thought Onestar as the crowd dispersed. "Time for a nice, relaxing nap."
Then he found he was stuck to his chair.
Wow... So many stereotypes in WindClan! Seriously, they should stop arguing about which gender is most annoying. She-cats like make-up, hairdos and fashion, and toms like smelly stuff, pawball and wrestling. I dislike BOTH equally!
No offence to make-up and football fans. It's just that as a person, I'm not really into fashion, and sports...err, I kinda suck at it, which probably explains why I waste my free time on the sofa writing silly Fanfics.
And yeah, pawball is the cat version of football.
In the story, only the toms like pawball, but like I said, totally stereotype. I know plenty of girls who like football.
It's just I'm not one of them.
-funny-ator :P
