Hello, guys!
I should warn you: this one is quite sad.
Okay, thanks for passing by!
Song: "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade ( youtubedotcomslash + watch?v=v3o_SURwZPs)
"Dad?"
"Kitchen, buddy!" I call out while cutting the onions to prepare our dinner.
Thomas comes to the kitchen looking nervous. "Can I ask you something?" He asks, sitting in one of the chairs and twisting his hands. His 15-years-old body being as tall and clumsy as I was at his age.
"Sure. What's bothering you?" I'm now facing him with both my hands in a 90o turn to my right, still cutting the vegetable. I'm already late at dinner today. He's not a baby anymore but I still want him going to bed early.
"My friends and I were talking about something today. A girl. They all seem to like her more than as a friend and apparently she likes me more than just a friend."
By the time I was your age I've give anything
To fall in love truly was all I could think
Oh God. Already? I turn to face him entirely. The onions forgotten by my hands.
"Thomas, do you like her more than as a friend?" I ask. Please no, please. I try to take even breaths while placing one hand on the counter by my side to keep me steady.
I knew this would happen someday. I knew Thomas would like somebody someday.
"Don't get me wrong, I like talking to her and I think she's pretty. But I don't know." He tells me, his words slipping through his mouth really fast.
He rests his hands on the table in front of him and focuses his gaze on them.
"What is to like someone more than as a friend, dad? I mean, I love you, but it's not the same thing." He furrows his in concentration. A rug forms on his forehead, exactly like it formed on her forehead.
That's when I met your Mother, the girl of my dreams
The most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen
How to define love to a 15-year-old? How to tell your son that you loved his mother – and you still do – even years after her death? How to tell that you would not be here without how to tell that same son that you are still alive today because of your love for him? How to define such powerful feeling?
She said, "Boy, can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I can't help but notice you staring at me
"It's like... You feel that friendship isn't enough. You feel that you need more. You want more time with the person, you want to be more intimate, to know their secrets. You want to know more about them and you want them to know more about you." I try and explain, but love is not something that one can describe. One can only feel love. "To love someone is put their needs and happiness before yours; when making them happy is one of the goals in our life. You feel like you can be yourself with them and you love them by themselves. And you love them by who they truly are."
I know I shouldn't say this
But I really believe that I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me"
Memories of her fill my mind. Every kiss, every touch, every word, every moment more perfect than the last. I take a deep breath to keep going, "Your heart beats faster when you look at her. You smile from only thinking about her. Her voice sounds better than the world's best song. You love everything about her. The way she looks is the most beautiful view on Earth. Every moment feels infinite, but at the same time happens so fast. Every second with her feels so precious. You want to freeze every breath because you want every breath to last forever. You love her more than anything in the whole world." Don't cry. Don't cry. For Thomas. You can't cry.
Now, son, I'm only telling you this because
Life, can do terrible things
"Is that how you felt about mom?" his innocent voice brings me back to reality. I manage to control my teary eyes and open them – I didn't notice closing them.
I look him in the eyes. His bright blue-greyed eyes, an exact copy of Tris', look focused.
Now most of the time we'd have too much to drink
We'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything
I remember when Thomas was born. He was covered in blood, but we could still see his physical characteristics. Later, after both Thomas and Tris were cleaned and in the hospital room, we got to properly observe his features. While Tris had him in her arms and he was clinging at my finger like his life depended on it, Tris was mesmerized at how much we looked alike. The dark brown hair, the ears that I think stick out too far, the hooked nose, the spare upper lip, the full lower lip. His eyes were so deep-set that his eyelashes touched the skin under his eyebrows. An exact copy of me. Except the color of the eyes. Thomas has Tris' eyes. That beautiful and mysterious color.
She commented about how happy she was that our little boy was a little me; how many girl's attention he would get when he was older. I told her I only asked for her blue-greyed eyes and I was blessed.
Too young to notice and too dumb to care
Love was a story that couldn't compare
I said, "Girl, can I tell you a wonderful thing
I made you a present with paper and string
"This is how I felt about your mother," I say while placing my hand on the table and staring at my ring. The same ring she placed on my finger the day we got married, the same ring I never had the guts to take off even years after her death. "This is how I've always felt about her," I say while blinking away my tears. I can't show him how broken I am. He doesn't deserve this weight on his shoulders.
Open with care, now I'm asking you please
You know that I love you, will you marry me?"
He nods and looks at the ring too. "I guess I don't feel that for Cecilia at all," he smiles shyly. He noticed how hard this conversation is for me and he's trying to lighten up the mood, just like she would try to do. Oh Tris, you and him are so more alike.
Now son, I'm only telling you this because
Life can do terrible things
"I hope you never feel that for someone, Thomas. If you meet someone and you think you're going to feel that, please, walk away," I beg, "Don't let her get to you." I pause, but carry on when I realize I have his entirely attention, "You know what happened to your mother. You know how that destroyed me, you see that every day. You know you're the only thing keeping me here, son. And to think that someday you might fall in love, and that... that... love could make you feel what I feel, I just- I can't even-" I sigh. To even think that he could experience this kind pain is even worse. "I just hope that if you do fall in love, God shows you a different reality. A different view of it. A view with a happy ending, not with this endless pain."
You'll learn one day, I hope and I pray,
That God shows you differently
All this time he had his focused on mine, his shoulders wide and his posture neat. He's being the strong one. He's being strong for me. I can't even be strong for our son, Tris. How am I supposed to do this?
She said, "Boy, can I tell you a terrible thing?
It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks
What Tris never got to see is how smart Thomas is, just like she was. How kind and selfless, his bravery to stand up for what he believes in, exactly how she used to be. I always knew she was brave, but I truly understood the extends of it when she told me about her sickness. I remember when she told me about her health problems. She wasn't worried that she was dying. She was worried about my reaction. She was worried because she knew I couldn't live without her. She said she couldn't have asked for anything different between us, because it was perfect. She said I was one of the few good things that ever happened in her life and how thankful she was for that. Thankful because she had me. I remember crying into her shirt during her monologue, because thruthlly my voice had simply disappeared. God, just thinking about her makes me wanna cry.
Please don't be sad now, I really believe
You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me."
Slow, so slow, I fell to the ground on my knees
Tears try to make its reappearance in my eyes, but I don't let them. I take a deep breath, kneel in front of him, place my hands on his shoulders, and say, "I can't bear to see the same happen to you."
So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose
If given the choice then I beg you to choose
To walk away, walk away
Don't let her get you
We look at each other for a few minutes, until his small voice asks softly: "Will you tell me about what happened between you and mom someday?"
"Of course, buddy. One day I'll tell you everything." I ruffle his hair. "You do know you can ask about her now, right? I mean, you have before."
"Yeah, but I really want to understand that. And I think I'll do it better when I'm older," he smiles.
"You're as smart as her, did you know that? And that is saying a lot, because she was deadly smart. We may look alike physically, but you're so much like her mentally. And you're lucky for that. Especially the bravery and strength." I hug him and he slips his arms around me. He is as tall as I am now. His long arms, connected to his wide shoulders. We really do look similarly.
Their bravery is definitely something they both have in common. He was the strong one now and Tris was the string one multiple times. They both are strong for me. Though I was strong when she died and I had to take care of him, it doesn't mean I'm strong. I had to be strong. For Thomas and Tris. She wouldn't want me to drown in my own pain. She wouldn't want Thomas to grow up with a depressed and absent father. I wanted Thomas to have a full happy life, still want it. I wanted Tris to have a full happy life.
I love my son, but how could I take care of him when his mother, the girl I've loved my whole life, had just died? I managed though. Painfully and slowly, but I did. We did.
But when I crumbled, when the pain was too much for me to breath, Tris would be there for me. She would help me through it, make me see the good things, make me feel better. Now that she's gone, I thought I would be the strong one for Thomas. I guess I was wrong.
I feel something wet on my shoulder. I pull back to see Thomas' face streaked with tears, his eyes glistening with the transparent liquid. "Hey, what it is? Why are you crying?" I ask, my eyebrows frowning and my thumbs getting all his tears.
"I miss her, dad," he sniffs, "I miss her so much. I barely remember her, it's not fair." More tears come, from his eyes and mine this time.
I hate seeing him in pain.
I can't bare to see the same thing happen to you
I hug him again, more firmly this time, supporting him. "I know it's not fair. But I can help you. There's lots of pictures of her and I can tell anything you want to know about her," I sniff, "I know it's hard, but we can do this. Together, okay?"
He slips away from my arms, shaking his body and says: "Together." I guess we both have to be strong, after all.
Now son, I'm only telling you this because
Life, can do terrible things.
Later that night, I write him a song. I tell him briefly about our history, mine and Tris'.
I PROMISE NOT ALL OF THEM ARE THAT SAD!
So... what did you think?
Thanks for reading!
