It's long before day when she sees him next. Sometime after two AM he wakes shaking and sweating, consumed by a horrible sense of loss and the kind of guilt he knows well, the kind that eats you alive and spits out the bones.
She's dead and it's all your fault you idiot you should have protected her you were too late you should have known you deserve hell and worse you should have saved her you should have died a long time ago and saved her the trouble -
He's in the car before he knows where he is, who he is. All he knows is his arms are empty and a horrible fear clutches at his chest. It's happened before, these night terrors. Too often. He hates himself for it but the fear is too much for him and his foot presses the gas pedal and doesn't let up. He knows the way to her house by now, as well as he knows the way to the hotel and the bridge and the hospital and the restaurant where they sat, back when he thought they'd finally be all right.
Are we? Are we all right?
Yeon Joo wakes to find the front of her nightshirt wet. She sits up, reaching out for him in the dark, and he wraps his arms around her so tightly it almost hurts, kneeling by the side of her bed with his face buried in her nightshirt and his shoulders shaking with sobs he can't control. She strokes his back gently, feels him shudder at her touch.
He tries to say her name but chokes on the sound.
"Shhh," she croons. "It's okay. I'm okay. I'm here, I love you, it's not your fault."
He clutches her harder. He is falling, drowning, and she is his last tether to the earth. The only thing between him and the end of himself, his key, the last breath in his lungs. He clutches her like the lifeline she is and she strokes his hair and together they stay like that for a long, long time.
They don't talk much over breakfast. Mercifully, her mother doesn't ask questions this time, but Yeon Joo can still feel her eyes boring into the back of her head. Her cheeks burn. Chul clears his throat audibly, shifting in his seat.
It is, in a word, awkward.
Her mother seems to leave the house as quickly as possible that morning, making some excuse about doing next week's shopping and how long it would take - all day, apparently, though Yeon Joo knows she already went earlier in the week and the pantry is nearly full. She appreciates the thought, regardless. At this point there is definitely a conversation she needs to have with the man sitting across from her, and these are things she can't say unless they're in private.
Chul won't meet her eyes. He doesn't want to. He's afraid. Afraid she'll say he needs to stop coming here, that he's burdening her when she's already grieving, that she hasn't been getting any sleep. He opens his mouth to say he's sorry but she beats him to the punch.
"We…" Yeon Joo pauses.
Her cheeks glow in a way that makes him lose the thread of his guilt long enough to be curious. She contemplates her glass of water, seemingly unwilling to finish her sentence.
"We?" he prompts, sitting up and placing his chin in his hands.
Now it's Yeon Joo's turn to avoid his eyes. She does this much less effectively than he does and keeps glancing back at him, then away at the ceiling, the couch, any nearby object. It's ridiculous of her, but she can't look at him. She's been meaning to bring this up for a while, but now the time has actually come and her mouth feels suddenly very dry.
"Oh Yeon Joo," he begins, and her heart sinks as she recognizes his tone. It's one she knows well at this point, well enough to smell an interrogation session before it begins. "What are you - "
"We should move in together," she blurts, then claps her hands over her own mouth. She hadn't meant to say it like that.
His eyes go wide.
Why? Why did he have to look so surprised? She can't believe she said it. What if he takes it the wrong way? What if he -
"Oh Yeon Joo," Chul repeats, more slowly this time. "Why -"
"Forget it," she says hurriedly, standing up from the table as fast as she can. "I didn't say anything. It was a dream. Pretend you heard me wrong and don't say anything."
She has to make her escape now, before he has a chance to ask more questions, make more assumptions about her statement. She didn't mean to say it at all. Damn it. She almost makes it around the table before Chul grabs her wrist.
She stops in her tracks, grimacing as he spins her to face him. Whatever he was expecting her to say, it clearly wasn't this. With Chul's eyes like lasers on her face, Yeon Joo feels her embarrassment increase by tenfold.
"I - I mean," she stammers. "You can't keep on like this! It's the second time this week and I feel…bad…"
She trails off, unsure of herself. Lets her eyes fall to the floor.
It's true, though. She feels horrible for him every night he wakes like this, and imagines that it must be much worse from his end. She imagines the nights he must not come, and lies in bed alone with his face too still and smooth while the tears run down his cheeks, or sits by himself against the wall with the hollow inside him and the fear. More than anything, she wants to be there to hold him in these moments, whatever the cost. She wants to give him what he needs. It's all she's ever wanted.
He sighs, letting her wrist drop.
"Don't worry about me," he says. "If that's why you're saying this, don't. I'm -"
"You're not okay!" she protests, before he can finish. "Do you know how I worry that you only come here part of the time and the rest you're suffering alone? I don't want you to be alone. Just let me help."
"I said don't worry," Chul insists. Something about his face is off, something she can't put her finger on. He seems almost hurt. Oh. Oh…
"That's not the only reason, though," she says. Steeling herself for his look, she continues: "I know you wanted to do this eventually anyway and I…I want to go back to being married. I mean, like we were before. I want us to have a happy ending together, and this seems like the best way. We've been waiting too long and…"
Immediately she knows she's gone too far. She can see the doubt leave his expression and mischief taking its place, tinged with the sort of hopefulness that makes her regret having ever opened her mouth. She doesn't know it, but this is his way of hiding his nerves, by letting something else take its place. Unnerve her before she can tell he himself is unnerved. Quick, Yeon Joo, say something else…
"Don't get the wrong idea!" she insists. "I'm not saying it because - because -"
"Don't ruin it," he interrupts. He's laughing. "I liked it before you started saying things you don't mean. You're right. We have catching up to do, and I won't let your husband beat me."
"You're my husband," Yeon Joo says, grabbing his hand and holding it up in front of their faces so he can clearly see the slim ring on his finger, pale silver against his pale skin. As if he'd ever forgotten it was there. "See?"
If his heart stutters at this, he doesn't let on.
In the end, Chul had never intended this to be the first step of his plan. Now that it's happened like this, however, he lets it fall into place along with the others and hides his satisfaciton quite well, considering.
He doesn't know it yet, but she will thoroughly wreck every inch of his plans before they begin (doesn't she always). Chul isn't often surprised these days, not after all they've been through, but he still doesn't know her inside and out yet. She's the only one who can still manage to catch him off guard, and he has no way of knowing these days just how hard she's finding it to keep back the tidal wave of her attraction to him, which has always been stronger than she will admit. She didn't mean her proposal as an opening, either, but now it's there - well, she's finding it hard not to think of it as what it truly is.
He buys the penthouse. Sets up the furniture. They sign the contract and the whole time they lie. To themselves, to each other. That it will be just like before, when things were new and the air between them wasn't so heavy with things they're afraid to contemplate just yet. Each fears that the other isn't there yet - and so, when things at last reach a head, the result surprises both of them with its intensity.
Soon, there will be a moment when he asks, and she answers, and the wave at last breaks.
Neither of them sees it coming.
Moving day, however - they can at least plan that. Yeon Joo even ends up wishing it would come faster, especially since Chul won't let her see the place he's picked. He says he wants it to be a surprise, and she goes along because it's cute, but in the end it's hard not knowing where you're going to be sleeping a week from now, especially with her mother's incessant questions. Breaking that news did not go well, to say the least.
He doesn't escort her there, just gives her the directions and leaves with the kind of smile that sets her a little on edge, as much as it excites her. Her stuff is there already, he's been moving them in all week while she's been on the job, so all she has left to do is show up. She leaves work that evening a little excited and a little nervous, with a feeling in her stomach that they are somehow opening a new chapter. The feeling intensifies as after a while of driving, she starts to recognize things. Landmarks, here and there, with subtle differences.
Is this…?
Her questions disappear when the hotel comes into view, and Yeon Joo's hands loosen their grip on the wheel in disbelief.
She hurries to park, half expecting him to come get her and whisk her upstairs like his old self, full of charms and suggestions he may or may not expect her to take seriously. Despite this, he doesn't appear, and she goes inside alone and boards the elevator with butterflies in her stomach. Part of her knows it won't be exactly the same - it can't, can it? The rest can't believe this is really happening. She can't help the smile that tugs at her mouth, and she taps her toes together a little in anticipation. Just before the door closes, she pauses. Of course, she doesn't have a key, doesn't even know what floor they're on or if it's the same as before. How does he expect her to get in? Conveniently, her phone rings then and she fishes it out of her bag to see Kang Chul's caller ID displayed on the screen.
"Hello?" she answers, wishing she didn't sound quite so breathless.
"Oh Yeon Joo," he says, as always. "Where are you right now?"
"I'm here. I mean, I'm downstairs. How do I get there?"
A pause. She imagines him grinning, biting his lip in that self satisfied way while he waits for the elevator. "I'll come get you."
The line goes dead, and it seems mere moments later that Chul is there in person, wearing a vaguely familiar baggy sweatshirt and a pleased grin. Just as she imagined him.
"Come with me," he says.
She lets him grab her hand and pull her into the elevator and suddenly, inexplicably, wishes that time would freeze them here. That she could freeze his bright energy and their anticipation where they stand, that she could keep them in this moment and not let it shatter like it did before. There's a kind of tickling fear beginning to eat away the edges of her enthusiasm, and she recalls times when she's been this hopeful at the prospect of a new beginning with the man beside her. None of them ever ended well, as if the universe itself was trying to destroy her happiness as soon as it began.
He notices the sudden shift, as he always does, and purses his lips. Well, he concludes, if she's going to be down all of a sudden, then he'll just have to snap her out of it. Perhaps he's an optimist at heart, but Chul truly wants this evening to be everything they wanted. Everything he's been planning. If she really is worried, she'll tell him about it later - until then, he proceeds as planned and hopes he's imagining her melancholy.
To Yeon Joo, the new penthouse is at once familiar and strange. On the one hand, it's just as she remembers it - on the other, there are subtle differences that throw her off. A wall jutting out here that was once over there, a differently textured rug, an unfamiliar piece of furniture.
Chul seems to be watching her reaction almost nervously, scanning her face and noting every expression.
"It's not quite the same as before," he says. "It came already furnished, of course. I had to move some things around to make it almost the same, I tried my best but…"
"It's perfect," she says quickly. His smile rewards her and she thinks to herself for the millionth time how absolutely cute he is, her Kang Chul.
He wants her to love it, and she will. Even if she has to pretend she isn't afraid, in this place, that it will all disappear and turn out to be a sweet dream she had while she was sleeping, waiting to wake and find she never got this second chance. That he never would look at her like this and pull her towards the dining table, rambling on about carbonara spaghetti and how he hoped she wasn't tired of it, he had to cook because there was no staff yet and room service was expensive. They had money, all of W's proceeds were now theirs like her father willed, but it still wasn't that much, not like before. They had to be a little bit frugal or they couldn't afford rent every month. Did that bother her? Did she wish he were still a millionaire?
"No," she laughs at that, stirring her fork around her plate where a few noodles remain.
They're almost finished with dinner and since Chul is a faster eater, he's finished already and is watching her with an expression that could only be described as fascinated. Rapt, even.
"What, then?" he frowns. "You seem upset. If it's the couch, don't worry, I'm getting a new one next week in the old color. You can come buy it with me and we'll go on a date afterwards. Coffee or ice cream. You can pick."
He's trying to smile but his eyes are wide and worried as they search her face, brow furrowing, head cocked to the side. His mouth makes a little pout that ruins the whole "unconcerned" effect and makes him look like a little boy, eager to please and worried he's done something wrong.
Her heart seizes a little, looking at him then. She realizes again in a rush how much she loves him.
"There's nothing wrong," she says softly. "I love it, all of it. Thank you."
He still doesn't look completely convinced. She leans across the table and kisses him on the cheek, and that does the trick.
"Ah," he says, changing the subject and trying not to look as pleased as he really is by her gesture. "You've been working all day, you must be tired. I'll do the dishes. You go upstairs and rest. The bed is in the same place it was before, so there's no need to go searching."
Yeon Joo realizes then that he's right. She's tired to the bone. Suddenly, bed sounds like the ideal place to be.
"I'll do that," she agrees, rising from her place at the table. "But what about you? Aren't you coming to bed?"
Chul shakes his head, still smiling at her. "No. You must be disappointed."
She huffs a laugh at that and swats at him. She doesn't have the energy to play this game of his, not tonight.
"Goodness, you…I'm going to bed now."
"Without a real kiss? Ahh, how ungrateful," he reproaches.
She waits until he looks away in disappointment, then stands on her tiptoes and gives him a peck on the lips - this purely to see his eyes go wide again in shock. Okay, maybe she does want to play just a little.
Tonight is the first time Yeon Joo can remember being awake when he comes to bed. Maybe she has trouble sleeping so she stays up later. Maybe he gets lonely downstairs by himself. At any rate it's nowhere near his usual "bedtime," she knows that because there's barely a ray of light in the sky outside their window.
Yeon Joo's eyelids are beginning to get heavy but she's still staring out into the darkened room when she feels the mattress dip beside her, hears his barely audible sigh as he settles down beneath the blankets. She doesn't move, half because she can't ignore the fact that this is the first time they've actually, technically, slept together, and half out of curiosity. She wants to know what Chul will do if he thinks she's still asleep. Will he put his arm around her? Whisper goodnight? Kiss her cheek, or maybe her forehead?
He yawns then, interrupting her train of thought. "Stop pretending to be asleep."
She sighs. She should have known, really.
"What did you expect me to do?" he continues, seemingly gleeful at reading her mind like this. She can't see his face, as it's completely dark and her back is still turned, but she can tell he's grinning. "Kiss you goodnight? Whisper in your ear? Would that be romantic enough for you?"
"Shh," she shushes him, rolling over. "I'm too tired for this. Just…"
Chul doesn't let her finish before he pulls her to his chest, drawing her close so her head rests snugly underneath his chin and the entire length of her body is flush with his. His arms enclose her completely, at once tender and protective. Suddenly, she feels safer than she has all evening.
"There," he says softly. "All cozy."
"Mmm," she agrees. Cozy indeed.
He nuzzles his cheek against the top of her head, then, and Yeon Joo's heart gives another painful squeeze, then expands to fill her whole chest, to fill the room and the whole hotel and the city beyond.
She pulls back until she can see the outline of his face in the dark. Chul lays a hand on her cheek tenderly, and she senses rather than sees his lips part before he closes the space and kisses her very slowly and very sweetly.
Oh, but she loves him. She would do anything to be with him like this for the rest of their lives, and joy fills her at the thought that the variables have lined up at last to give them this outcome. They gave up a lot, in the end, but here they are, and there is nothing left to keep them from living their lives as happily as they please.
They fall asleep as they are, all snuggled together like a pair of birds nested amid the pillows. Before he drifts off, Chul has a moment or two where he truly feels unable to ask for more than this. He is wildly grateful to simply be alive in this moment and falling peacefully asleep with his arms around the person he loves best in the world, both of them safe from harm and with a hopeful future ahead of them.
This contentment doesn't last.
To begin with, Yeon Joo apparently wakes before he does and the first sound that reaches his ears is her humming softly to herself. The second is water: the shower running in the background, along with the little splashes she makes as she goes about the business of getting clean. Clearly his imagination fills in the rest, and he sits up in bed too fast for comfort, resulting in immediate tunnel vision.
Chul puts a hand to his head, mentally groaning to himself. Of course it was like this. He had known it would be hard living with her, hadn't he, and he'd still signed up for it, knowing it would bring endless frustration and mornings like this one. He needs to get a grip or he won't survive the week, he concludes.
For her part, Yeon Joo is enjoying her shower. The steam, the fragrance of the soapsuds and the feeling of being clean from head to toe - all of these help to clear her head as she plans their day. Breakfast is the first item, of course. She hasn't cooked much since she's been in residency, and she needs the practice. She wonders if she should suggest to Chul that they go shopping, since it's the weekend and no doubt he hasn't had time to buy groceries.
He had mentioned a date the night before, but the empty pantry took precedence - and who said, after all, that it couldn't be a date? She'd loved shopping with him before, even if it was an odd time for them both, and he needs to eat something else this week. Ramyeon and spaghetti are all very well and good, but they need to mix it up a little for the sake of their health.
Briefly, Yeon Joo surprises herself by wishing that there could be some change in their relationship that doesn't involve just playing house. Even so, she does enjoy the return to their former cozy lives, and sleeping in the same bed last night certainly was a new experience in and of itself. She feels closer to him now, both physically and otherwise, and she's glad of it.
Upon waking this morning, she was greeted by the rare sight of Chul's sleeping face. She remembers the way his lashes lay thick against his cheek, how innocent he looked. He seemed younger, somehow, and more vulnerable.
A part of her, having seen him like this, wants to protect him even more than she did before.
Yeon Joo finishes rinsing off and twists the tap until the water shuts off, shaking stray droplets from her hair and fingers as she exits the shower and dons the soft grey bathrobe hanging from the adjacent wall.
Chul enters the bathroom as she's leaving, with messy hair and a just-woken-up expression. For a long moment they both freeze in their tracks and stare at one another. A sense of déjà vu overwhelms her briefly, and she is yanked back to a previous time, a different robe, a different him.
He seems to be on the same page. Not that she'd expect him to be any less, considering past history and his goal to catch up with the other Chul's experiences, to feel as he felt. Now his gaze rakes up and down her form with frank and open desire evident in his face, as if he can remove the robe with his eyes alone.
Yeon Joo's heart skips a little.
Abruptly Chul drops his eyes and strides to the sink, pushing his shirtsleeves up to his elbows with unnatural force and grabbing his toothbrush in one hand. He'd busy himself with any task right now, rather than look at her. He can't ask again, he knows what she'll say.
He still asks, in the end.
He can't not ask, at this point. It's the one thing he lacks compared to his old self, and though he may say he's joking, he really isn't. He wants her. Now. Later. Always.
He still intends it to be a joke. He tells himself that the worst thing she can do is tell him no, and it's with this thought in mind that he spins to face her, letting an easy smile take over his face. She's still staring at him with a quizzical look in her eyes, and it strikes him that he can't fathom how the degree of her beauty was ever a question in his mind. Now that he's immediately confronted by the fact, the intensity of his desire surprises even him, and he's not sure how much longer he can play it off as teasing.
He isn't teasing, not even a little bit. In fact, when he tries to, he can't even muster the detachment it takes to keep his tone steady.
"It's nine in the morning, isn't it?" Chul says. "The same as before."
Yeon Joo's face registers momentary confusion, and he plows on, not letting himself lose his nerve now.
"The same time and the same place. The context is right. So…"
He trails off, suddenly unable to continue. His throat tightens somewhat as he looks at her standing there, surrounded by a halo of morning sun and shower steam and glowing with life. It flashes across his mind that she might have died here once, in a different world, in the same bed they woke in this morning. He remembers that week with clarity. Every moment of that time he spent memorizing her face, in case his plan didn't work, in case he never saw her again. Praying she would open her eyes just once.
"So?" She almost whispers the question, drawing him back to the moment, prompting him. She doesn't know if she wants to hear what comes next, or is dreading it.
He inhales, somewhat shakily. Closes his eyes and speaks.
"Could you take off your robe for a moment? Please."
She's almost expecting it at this point, so the surprise doesn't register. What does register is the wave of longing that sweeps through her from head to toe at the sound of his voice, the roughness of it. (The intensity of the feeling almost makes her knees buckle.) There is a complete and utter lack of anything resembling humor in the question, and this seems almost to surprise him.
She opens her mouth with a "no" on her tongue, ready for delivery – only it isn't there like she expects. This surprises her.
Then Yeon Joo surprises them both.
She draws in a shuddering breath, releasing it with the rest of the tension coiling through her, and with it the rest of her doubts slip away. She feels the fluttering in her stomach fade.
"Yes."
계속 (to be continued.)
a/n: I've posted part 3 seperately to keep this fic T-rated. to read it, go to my profile and click on "Worlds Collide: Outcome."
