A/N: I wasn't planning on posting this yet, but then I figured I'd might as well get it out before Winter Storm Jonas shows up, knocks out my power, and ruins my life. I've edited it, so any remaining typos can be blamed on the insomnia that caused me to write this.
This one is set more or less after chapter two of The Children of Snakes.
Warnings: Noooone.
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, and probably wouldn't know what to do with the if I did.
Summary: Minerva McGonagall is a former Auror, a stern professor, and a formidable witch. It just so happens that sometimes she's also a cat.
Cat Things 2: Snape
Severus couldn't help but sigh in relief as he finally let himself into his rooms at the end of the first full day of the semester. If he didn't know any better, he'd think the little beasts tried to make his life difficult on purpose. This year they'd all been clearly distracted by some new rumor about him—not the one of him being a vampire, he was sure, because this rumor actually had quite a few of them giggling at him when they thought he wasn't paying attention! It was just a shame that Minerva had so recently banned him from punishing students for ridiculous things, because he was just itching to give someone a detention right now.
Throwing his notes onto the table, he allowed himself to collapse rather dramatically onto his couch, face shoved into the cushions and legs over the arm. It was a very comfortable couch, really, he probably should have thanked Albus for talking him into buying it. It was an excellent place to sleep. Not as nice as his bed, but who would know but him?
"Meowww."
His eyes popped open. He turned his head to the side very slowly and, face still half shoved into the cushion, glared at the tabby cat that had crawled out from under his table.
"How," he asked it in his most dire voice, because it made him feel better even if it never worked, "do you consistently manage to enter my rooms? I warded them myself. I shouldn't even have mice."
"Mreow," the tabby replied shortly, the smug look on her face an eerie replica of the one she wore when human. Then she leapt lightly onto Severus's back and laid there.
"For Merlin's sake, Minerva," Severus sighed, long-suffering. "How was I ever stupid enough to mistake you for a dignified human being?"
The cat replied by calmly—and happily, judging by the purring—digging all of her claws into Severus's shoulder blade, and proceeded to knead so hard he was sure to have bloody claw marks in the morning. Severus resolutely did not make the pathetic whimpering noise he wanted to, and instead reached across his back and tried to remove the cat by the scruff. Her claws dug in, and she gave a tiny little growl. There was a brief struggle. Severus was left remarkably unscathed, while the cat darted back under his table only to turn around and hiss at him.
"Don't give me that," Severus snapped, kicking towards her hiding place. The cat knew full well that he would never actually kick her (because he wanted to live), and didn't even flinch. "I have no sympathy for a witch who won't even deliver her messages in a form that can be understood. Especially when they try to claw me to death in the process!"
The cat growled, rather a bit louder than before.
Severus raised an eyebrow at her, leaning back in his seat with his arms crossed. He was not going to admit he'd exaggerated and apologize, if that's what the blasted woman was waiting for. He had more dignity than to have that conversation with a cat.
The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Severus scowled at her, and the cat stared unblinkingly back. Every so often there was a soft "thump" as she hit her tail up against the table leg. Severus tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He wasn't going to fall asleep with another person in his room, he just wasn't, but surely it wouldn't hurt to relax a little...
There was a sudden scrabbling noise, but before Severus could jump up in alarm, twelve pounds of tabby landed in his lap, claws splayed and barely missing a certain sensitive area. He couldn't hold back his own high-pitched noise of pain, starting to curl in on himself in automatic self-defense. The cat put her paws on his chest and leaned up to lick his cheek once, purring.
"I am going to hex your fur to match Albus's next robe!" he snarled, reaching for his wand, but the cat was already gone again, hiding underneath the chair this time. He could hear her purring contently. He eyed the glow of her eyes for a long moment, considering actually following through with his threat, but sat back with a sigh. It would be satisfying for a time, but he knew from experience that the Deputy Headmistress would get him back for it. With interest, and possibly dead bugs in his pillow.
Deciding he'd had enough of the infernal woman for the night, he got up from the couch and decided to start getting ready for bed. That was when he noticed the folded up bit of parchment flutter to the floor. He squinted at it suspiciously; was this a note she had confiscated from one of her students earlier in the day?
"Is this what you actually came here for?" he asked aloud.
"Mewww," the cat replied, which sounded enough like an affirmative that he bent over and picked the paper up. He unfolded it neatly, and quickly read the short missive. To his horror, he could feel a blush spread rapidly across his face. Only Minerva McGonagall could still find a way to make him blush like a schoolboy.
"Is this some sort of joke?" he snapped. The cat's purr raised in volume. "Of all the—the boy is married, Minerva! Even if I was interested—and I most certainly am not—I would never even presume to—"
The cat crawled out from under the chair and trotted daintily over to him, rubbing up against his legs. The look on her face was distinctly smug again, and Severus glowered down into it.
"Yes, yes, 'the lady doth protest too much'," he quoted sarcastically, a sneer curling his lip. "As if you even believe this rubbish yourself. Get out of my rooms, Minerva. I had been planning to get some sleep tonight."
The cat blinked up at him for another long moment, then rubbed her face against his leg one last time before disappearing. He didn't actually see her leaving the room, but he was certain she was gone. He'd have to recheck his wards again. How did that damn woman always manage to get past them?
Shaking his head, he strode over to his fireplace and tossed the stolen note into the fire the house elves always kept burning for him. Honestly, the things the students gossiped about. Him, dating Edward? As brilliant as the boy was, and it had only taken Severus a bare moment of conversation to realize what an intellect was hiding behind the cursing and sarcasm, he had no interest in a relationship. Why was it so difficult to believe that they were just friends?
Though, and he couldn't stop the smirk that leapt to his face, as far as rumors about him went, this one wasn't so bad. If anything, it was rather flattering. He wasn't blind, after all, and Edward would have been quite the catch if he'd been so inclined. Maybe he'd let this one slide.
He just hoped Edward's husband never heard about it.
A/N: It's entirely possible the next one will be with Harry (from McGonagall's POV), but I might skip that and move on to Ed.
