Summary: No matter how painful the truth proves to be, Shion vows to never use ignorance as anaesthetic. His resolve wavers when someone pries his hand out of Nezumi's lifeless fingers.


When they tumble out of the garbage chute, Shion's arms are wrapped around Nezumi in a protective embrace. By the time Rikiga and Inukashi hauls the both of them out the Correctional Facility, Shion reaches out for Nezumi's hand to find that it's gone cold.

Temperature. The first of the vital signs was absent. Okay, not the most accurate anyways, there are at least three more.

Shion tries all the ones he could remember from the textbooks.

Respiratory Rate? No.

Pulse? No.

Blood pressure? No pulse, remember?

But that checklist is too short so Shion starts grasping at straws.

He lifts Nezumi's eyelids to check for a pupillary light reflex and doesn't recognize the cloudy grey eyes that stare back.The colour is all wrong.

There's no time to dwell on that, he reminds himself. Shion's mind is still stuck in that medical room, and saving Nezumi means not letting his feelings distract from the facts. All he needs to figure out right now is what to do next.

Shion looks for signs of life only to find signs of death.

Respiratory arrest.

Cardiac arrest.

Pallor mortis.

Algor mortis.

Livor mortis is just starting now but Shion won't be able to check for another two hours.

Death happens in four stages.

The cold weather meant rigor mortis won't start for at least another four hours after that.

Focus Shion, what does this mean?

The only thing to be concluded from the data was: Nezumi is dead.

But that can't be right, livor mortis is only stage three. There's still time. Right? RIGHT?

What a strange thought. Not 20 minutes ago, the four of them escape. Not 20 minutes ago, Shion could feel the shallow and uneven rise and fall of Nezumi's chest against his. Nezumi was still here. Now, he is only with Nezumi's body.

A body is not Nezumi, only a part of him. So where did Nezumi go? Did they leave him back there in the facility? Shion is delusional from exhaustion and compounded injuries but he's ready to go back to find the rest of Nezumi right this second.

In the meanwhile, no one is going to take the body away. Someone must guard it while Shion retraces their steps. Nezumi is back there, he has to be.

Inukashi and Rikiga are talking in the background but Shion can't really hear them. Then Rikiga says "...bury him somewhere better..." and Shion is confused.

Bury? Bury who?

Decomposition happens up to eight times faster in free flowing air.

Soil will break apart the corpse into much simpler compounds and return it to the earth. A complex structure of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, and trace elements he can't be bothered to recall.

A corpse, that's all there is.

Nezumi is so much more than that and Shion has got to find him. He's going to find Nezumi and put him back into this body so they can't bury it, not yet.

Rikiga loops an arm around Shion's torso and starts pulling him away. Shion still has his hand wrapped around Nezumi's fingers.

They're so cold.

When Shion wakes up, he doesn't remember. Where am I? What happened? His first instinct is to look for Nezumi.

Find your own answers, don't always expect them to be handed to you. Nezumi's voice scolds him.

Oh yeah, Shion finds the first piece of this puzzle. Rikiga and Inukashi carried him back to west block after he passed out. But that still doesn't answer why he is here alone at Inukashi's hotel. Shion is already pushing himself out of bed when Inukashi comes in. He looks so worn out.

Maybe he knows where Nezumi is, he must, I mean after we escaped through the garbage chute and I was holding Nezumi's hand and we were outside and something... there's a hole in his memory. He sifts through fragments in search of the missing piece.

What happened?

Shion can feel a part of his mind deliberately repressing something and it's annoying. He concentrates on clearing away the brain fog, the moment feels too short and too long, before he is sledgehammered with the (ugly, hideous, revolting) truth.

Nezumi is dead.

The taste of those words make his insides turn. He throws up water and stomach bile immediately afterwards.

Karan is reunited with Shion, but it's not really Shion and she can see it past the white hair and the red scar coiled around his body. Still, he is her son and he is alive so she counts her blessings.

Later that evening, they sit side by side in the living room. Shion doesn't seem inclined toward conversation, and Karan is apprehensive to coax him for more.

Tell me about Westblock. Why did they try to take you away? Did you have something to do with the downfall of the city? Who is Nezumi? Is he the boy you took in that night in Chronos? How did he rescue you from the claws of no. 6 and deliver you back into my arms? What is he like and where is he now?

Karan is brimming with questions but the listless smile Shion gives her is all the answer she needs.

"Mom, do me a favour." Shion says quietly when the silence stretches too thin. "Please don't ask." His words drip with heartbreak, she has nothing to offer but a tight hug.

Shion thinks his mom has a right to know, but he doesn't want to answer any questions right now, or ever. Shion fears that if he says it out loud, then it becomes true. But if he could just keep it in his heart for long enough, Nezumi will forever stay in that elusive gap between sleep and wake.

I keep forgetting that you died. Shion thinks to himself in the morning. This will happen for years, but he doesn't know that yet.

This time it takes about 35 seconds, over half a minute of bliss before he is skinned alive. He wonders how to avoid this, what a luxury that would be.

Shion sleeps too much and then none at all.

Maybe I need closure, Shion thinks he read that in a book somewhere. He seeks closure by asking Inukashi, where is Nezumi even though he means Nezumi's body.

Inukashi hesitates with a painful twist of his mouth. When Nezumi died, he took a part of Shion with him. Like a chunk of flesh torn from his side, it's jarring and gruesome but Shion won't let anyone near it. He keeps the pain as a souvenir, it's from Nezumi and it's Shion's alone.

They walk there silently, Shion has his jaw set and head held high. He threads himself together with a particular string of words.

If you're going to look then do it, but don't close your eyes! Nezumi screams at him at the correctional facility. A literal mountain of people in various stages of death and Shion stared it down.

Ten steps away there's a small mound with a make shift headstone. Shion could not move his legs forward to save his life. He just couldn't do it.

There is a repulsive force field with a ten step radius and Shion will be crushed to smithereens trying to breach it.

Shion changes his mind and breaks down where he stands. I don't want to look anymore Nezumi. Let me stay ignorant this one time, you can call me all the names you want but I don't want to exist in a world without you. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. Please just come back to me. I swear I'll never let you leave again.

That night, his dreams punish him for his cowardice. They're outside the elevators, Shion relives the last real conversation they have. It consists of Shion spewing the ugliest accusations he can muster (you only care about yourself!), and Nezumi jumping infront of a bullet for him in response.

Shion's words fall to the floor as rusted nails and he hammers them into the soles of his feet. Shion presses down with every step and feels the weight of what he can't ever take back.

He doesn't even get a chance to apologize.

The next morning, it takes 29 seconds.

Since that didn't work, Shion just doesn't sleep. He doesn't need rest and if he has to relive that process one more fucking time, Shion is going to snap.

It works, for a while. Then Shion snaps anyways.

It starts when Inukashi makes an half joking remark about a rat not holding up his end of the bargain. Apparently Nezumi promised to sing for Inukashi should he ever die.

Nezumi always keeps his promise.

Shion wishes he didn't know this, he doesn't trust himself with the implications.

In his sleep, Shion sees a vivid image of his own hands wrapped around Inukashi's throat, fingers curled into a vice grip. Inukashi is suffocating and clawing at Shion's face, a choked gurgle comes out when Shion tightens his hold. The dream happens more than once.

Shion has nightmares that take place at the correctional facility. (Nezumi did warn him.)

In the basement, Shion dreams of killing people slowly, in painful ways, just to see if Nezumi would come sing them a song.

In the hallways, Shion's victim is the guard that shoots Nezumi through the chest. Shion kills him the slowest, just to revel at the terror on his victims face.

Nezumi isn't coming. This one's just for me.

At some point, it almost becomes a fantasy. I'll get my hands dirty. I'll throw away my moral high ground. I'll do whatever it takes to have you back, just let me prove it.

Shion wonders if it's worth trying even though he knows it isn't. But maybe...

So this is what I've become, Shion thinks to himself. He is more ashamed than surprised.

Hey Nezumi? Remember in the correctional facility you said that if I ever went mad you'd kiss me before slitting my throat? I think it's time you kept good on your word.

Shion's favourite dreams are the ones where Nezumi shows up and does exactly that.

Then, since Nezumi doesn't seem keen on following through, Shion decides to speed the process along.

Nezumi hates it when I'm reckless. Shion walks through west block aimlessly, looking for trouble because who's going to stop him? (Nezumi please come back) Shion figures he would eventually pick a fight he couldn't win and probably die and then that would be that. A good plan if he ever thought of one.

Unfortunately for him, the residents of west block were weathered enough to recognize someone looking for an excuse to go down swinging. They avoid Shion as a boy too small to be dangerous with a stare too vacant to be anything else.

He finds someone anyways, not the way he expected but someone none the less. She pulls Shion into the alleyway and runs her hands across his chest. "Hey handsome, you looking for a good time?"

Little boy, don't let that man corrupt you, that would be a real shame.

The deja vu makes him hesitate for long enough to take a look at her face. A beautiful woman with pale skin and black hair. Her eyes lean towards blue under harsh sunlight, but they'll be grey enough to play pretend in a poorly lit motel.

"I've never seen a man with such pretty hair like yours," The woman cooes and Shion can feel her breath on his ear. Ha, not a little boy anymore.

She twists a piece of Shion's hair between her fingers, like Nezumi used to.

You know nothing about books sex or fighting! Nezumi tells Shion as if they were an incentive to stay alive. Maybe it was time to cross the remaining one off the list, and then Nezumi would have little to say if Shion died afterwards, right?

She pushes her chest against him, it's not hard or flat but it's warm (as living people are) and Shion can feel a heartbeat. That's enough.

(Or it should be, but it's really, really not.)

When she kisses him, her tongue slides into his mouth. It's a strange sensation and Shion freezes because hes waiting for Nezumi to interrupt. He's mine.

She feigns a gasp when Shion doesn't reciprocate. "What's wrong honey, you seem so distant."

Oh he's far too in love with me to be interested in someone else. Nezumi retorted last time and Shion had no counterargument ready. This time, Shion is determined to prove Nezumi wrong.

See, I'm not! Shion tries his best to kiss her back. The kiss means next to nothing. It means she's looking to secure a customer, and for Shion, to prove a point. By the time she pulls him towards her bedroom, Shion decides he's had enough.

She demands payment and Shion offers a shrug.

Nezumi taught him well because he easily out manoeuvres two lackeys wielding metal bats, it's almost disappointing. Shion doesn't see the third man behind him and gets knocked out by a blow to the back of the head. They search Shion to find that he's penniless, one of the men suggests to bring him to their boss.

He wakes up in Rikiga's office. Oh, awkward.

Rikiga fusses over Shion all the while giving him a lecture. Shion tunes him out for the most part, the lump on the back of his head is throbbing but insignificant. Rikiga says if he was anyone else, Shion would be dead.

Well, that was kinda the plan.

Rikiga grabs him by the shoulders. "Shion what were you thinking?!"

"She had grey eyes." Shion says and Rikiga thinks he misheard. Shion repeats himself and Rikiga wishes he didn't.

Eve, you bastard. Rikiga sighs. Look what you've done.

"Shion, you'll find someone better than that silver tongued rascal." The comment is well intended but poorly thought out. Rikiga regrets his words before they're fully out of his mouth.

"Don't." Shion warns him with a tone that makes Rikiga look for escape routes. In a worst case scenario, Rikiga decides his best bet is jumping out the window, fourth floor and all.

Last time, Nezumi nicks a bottle of sake from Rikiga and shows Shion how to drink.

This time, Shion sees the exact same bottle on Rikigas shelf. He takes it with him, Rikiga doesn't notice but more likely doesn't stop him.

Last time, Nezumi kept saying too close but Shion thought not close enough and the way Nezumi stays exactly where he is says it's mutual just unspoken. Your words never match your actions. You're a phony.

Are you trying to pick a fight? Nezumi says all stern and serious.

Shion giggles, they're just short of rubbing noses. This is the first time Shion realizes he wants to kiss Nezumi.

No, just the opposite.

People drink to forget right?

This time he realizes wanting to forget is a constant choice, not a one time deal. He resists the first few times, then Shion hears that familiar voice.

Careful you don't turn into your old man.

He could ignore it, but doesn't. It's too in character, too sarcastic, and just a touch too affectionate. Shion laughs bitterly to himself. Guess I'm still good at imitating you.

The amount of self control he has is inversely proportional to amount of alcohol consumed and things are not looking in favour of discipline. He hops on the train of thought with a one way ticket.

Last time, Shion drinks half the bottle and passes out on top of Nezumi.

This time, he downs the entire thing and wishes he had more.

Shion wanders with no destination in mind, the voice continues to taunt him, he gets fed up and starts talking back.

Just outside the city gates, Shion yells at a Nezumi he can't see. SELFISH you selfish asshole! You leave me for four years without so much a goodbye and I spent the better part of my days gazing out a window, looking for traces of you. Then you find me and save me and change my life only to leave again. Do you not know what that does to me? Shion's anger frays at the edges and he is left in tears. This world means nothing without you in it, I want you back. Come back to me.

Inukashi said Nezumi knew he was walking into his death, and he did it anyways.

You're a hypocrite! How many times have you risked your life to protect me? How can you tell me to stay back knowing you're in danger when you won't take your own advice? HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT OF ME?

I want to be your equal.

Shion remembers their fight that morning, the impact of his fist against Nezumi's cheek just before dawn breaks past the horizon. Shion feels cheated out of their deal, Nezumi never stopped protecting him. That bullet was mine.

Drunk and impulsive, he goes to the underground room in search of...something, anything. The entrance is barricaded by rocks, likely a result of the man hunt, so Shion starts digging. He doesn't remember how long its been until suddenly he cant see very well and his hands are leaving dark smudges on everything they touch. Shion can't feel anything so it might as well be cherry jam.

Wear gloves or your nails will split, Nezumi threw a pair at him when Shion starts to organize the bookshelves.

The memory is nestled in shards of glass like packing peanuts. Shion tears into them and they tear into him right back. Everything is sticky and stained but if he could just get to those gloves, then maybe...

One of Inukashi's dogs catches a scent, Inukashi follows the barking to find Shion beating his bloody fists against a boulder in frustration. Inukashi manages to pull him away.

"I can't remember what he smells like anymore."Shion grabs two fistfuls of hair in frustration, streaking his snow white hair with crimson. I can't lose Nezumi up here too.

Inukashi awkwardly hugs him and knows it's worth very little. He debates on telling Shion, would that be kind or cruel?

Nezumi became as cool as ice and no one could hurt him. Then Shion, with bright eyes and gentle hands, saves Nezumi from his past, from himself.

"I love him," Shion slurs but his conviction is sobering. He's half lying on the ground, eyes closed and head lolling. "I love him and I told him and I wish he could believe me. My words are not empty. I love him and that is the truth. No matter how many times my life is flipped on it's head, I will always mean that."

Inukashi decides to tell him, because Shion never uses a past tense. Shion is barely conscious but those words stay with him for the rest of his life.

"He called you home."

Last time, Shion woke up with a headache and a Nezumi teasing him for being a lightweight.

This time, Shion wakes up and feels as if he was crumpled into a tight ball, whipped against a wall and left where he landed.

One night, he walks into the hallway and overhears muffled sobbing coming from his mother's room.

Who's the selfish one now, the voice scolds him but it's a bit off.

Shion realizes he couldn't remember what Nezumi's voice sounded like anymore, the realization grates him raw like sandpaper.

Do you regret it yet?

Shion may be in agony but his answer never changes. No matter the price of meeting you, I will not regret it.

This isn't the first time and it won't be the last, Shion loses pieces of Nezumi and it doesn't get any less painful. He just learns that it's part of the price.

For you, Nezumi. Anything for you.

Oh yeah? Then live for me.

A birthday passes and Shion spends it with his mom, Inukashi and Rikiga. They have dinner and cherry pie. Shion smiles as much as he can, as honestly as he can, because his mom deserves some peace of mind. When the candles come out, Shion makes a wish and doesn't tell anyone, as if the empty seat reserved next to the birthday boy wasn't telling enough.

Later, Shion washes dishes in the kitchen sink. He picks up a spoon a runs his finger along the edges.

If this were a knife, you'd already be dead. Nezumi pressed the dull rounded side to Shion's neck. His 12th birthday live up to it's definition in a way the eleven previous doesn't. Shion is reborn.

Shion turns the tap until it's searing hot. Steam billows upwards, latent heat warming everything except that coldness in the palm of his hand.

The next birthday comes with a thunderstorm. It's bittersweet to say the least.

Shion screams out into the wind because he wants to be carried away. He screams until his voice collapses and then he keeps on going. Make fun of me now, why don't you?

Shion screams until all that comes out is a high pitched hiss, and there's still so much he can't get out.

How, Nezumi? Shion pleads. How do I do this? Help me.

The voice at the back of his mind clicks its tongue. It catches him off guard because it sounds just like Nezumi.

No matter what happens, no matter how devastated you are, the world will not stop. You have two choices, move on or don't. Both will be excruciating so pick your poison. But if you want to be my equal, know that I would not let it rob me of my life. I know you're better than that.

You don't know that. You let your bias of no. 6 cloud your judgement of me. Shion's response sting with annoyance.

That's true, Nezumi's voice concedes, but it's followed by a challenge. So show me who you really are.

Shion sleeps on those words, and wakes up with an answer on his lips. I want to become someone you would have been proud of.

He approaches Nezumi's grave again and again, Shion succeeds on his fourth try. He places a hand on the headstone. It feels smooth and cool under his fingers. It's insignificant to anyone watching, there's no overwhelming catharsis, only a simple gesture. But he feels just a trickle of sadness flow out from his fingertips, into the stone, into the earth. A hint of a smile plays on his lips.

Forever my grounding instrument, Nezumi.

For the first time in a very very long while, Shion can breathe.

No. 6 is meant to be rebuilt by the restructural committee. Shion joins in honour of his new purpose. I will take this former monstrosity and make sure it never becomes what it did again.

He takes on the title of a workaholic because he knows there are worse things he could be. Shion finds strength in knowing his life is really worth two, and to throw it away would be a waste and an insult. Though some days, this is the only rationalization he can abide by to keep going.

But when my life has run its course and night falls for the very last time, Nezumi will be waiting in the quiet space between wake and sleep. Waiting to provoke and dazzle, to run hot and cold with his clear eyes and his sharp wit. And Shion will greet him with a kiss; not for goodnight, not for farewell (never for farewell, never ever ever) but for reunion.

Shion swears on everything he has ever known, that this reunion will be their last, and he will never part with Nezumi again.

Until then, he waits.


Shion has a reoccurring dream, and he thinks it's a premonition.

Nezumi stands on a steel frame, the abandoned ruins of a long forgotten building, reciting a monologue to Shion, and Shion alone.

The night air is crisp, Nezumi moves with effortless grace, and everything is crystal clear.

This is what forever must be.

Shion looks up at the boy who becomes and remains, the center of his life, his death and everything in between.

See you soon.