****************************AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hey, everyone! Hope you all had a nice summer. I've been busy, so this got shoved aside for a while, but I'm back now.
Had a bit of writer's block and was trying to figure out certain plot points to get to the desired conclusion, and I think I finally worked it all out. Still don't know what I'm gonna do with that tiger, but I'll figure it out.
The good news is that the next Chapter is half-way done because this one went on too long and I had to cut it off.
Thank you to everyone who's Read and Reviewed (love the reviews) and to everyone who's enjoyed my little SW adventure. Hope you like the new enstallment.
(And yes, I am working on The Invitation, too!)
Oh, also, I'm not actually sure there is such as word as 'be-leathered', but, um, there is now.
Well, let's see what our friends have been up to . . .
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The Illusion Theatre was one of the main attractions on the Regas strip, a tall, garish building decked out in columns of crystal and gold metal, featuring spouting fountains out front, and trying to resemble something majestic. For the most part it succeeded, but with an over-the-top cheesiness that visitors seemed to like.
Han, Leia, Lando and Luke, who was still holding Mr. Jabbers under that pink cape, exited the bus with a few other passengers and stood by one of the white marble fountains where a statue of a naked, beautiful, shapely mermaid sat in the middle with water spraying out of the top of her head.
They looked up at the shiny building and each shaded their eyes with a hand. Usually, there were two shows a day on the weekend (including Friday): an afternoon show and one starting much later in the evening with the featured performer coming on around 11 pm. But today, the shows at The Illusion were cancelled. A holobanner ran around the building with vids of the tiger, Raja, who was believed to be on the loose, and the missing puppet, Mr. Jabbers, which played on a loop intermingled with snippets of the frantic duo of Zigfeld and Troy, and a distraught, teary-eyed Kinko.
Something unpleasant jabbed at Leia's memory. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
"Yeah," Han drawled, "I don't think we can just waltz in there and throw Mr. Jabbers in the Lost and Found."
Luke frowned uneasily. Fuzzy images from last night began to take shape in his mind. "Guys? I'm starting to remember something . . ."
The five of them had entered the theater in a merry mood, joking and laughing and celebrating Lando's big win at Groove Thing. The visual details were a bit hazy, but Luke remembered they'd been seated up front in a plush, half-moon booth with a table and ordered drinks with the vouchers. Chewie and Leia had teased Han about his days as a magician's assistant until the show started, with Chewie describing the tight, sparkly costume Han wore and how women had thrown underwear onto the stage (Leia was now much more fluent in Shyriiwook and by way of both Han's and her responses, Lando and Luke were able to keep up.) They had all laughed while Han glowered, calling his friend a furball with a big mouth. The most vivid image Luke remembered was of his over-sized coconut daiquiri with bits of pineapple and cherries skewered through a thin little straw.
The Kinko and Mr. Jabbers Show was one of the opening acts for the famous Zigfeld and Troy Animal Magic Experience. Kinko was middle-aged, a bit pudgy, dressed in a gold lamé tuxedo with slicked back hair dyed gold to match the suit, and his act involved comedy and magic: card tricks, pulling animals from hats, simple illusions, and using the Mr. Jabbers puppet to deliver foul-mouthed insults to the audience while Kinko took on the role of the seemingly gentle straightman. When he'd called for a volunteer to put in a box and saw in half, Luke's hand had shot straight up in the air and he'd shouted, "Ooh! Ooh, Mr. Jabbers, pick me! Split me in half!" (Kriff, Luke thought with a wince. Leia had surely given him yet another of her patented pained looks that rivaled Uncle Owen's, just as she was doing now while listening to Luke's recollection of events.)
When Kinko pointed at their table, Luke had bounded out of his seat and up on stage, ready for his big moment. Kinko and Mr. Jabbers had looked at each other and Mr. Jabbers had said, "Well, he might look like a girl with that curly hair, but I wanted the pretty one!"
"Now, Mr. Jabbers, give the boy a chance will you? Don't give him a hard time," Kinko purred.
"You give him a chance!" Mr. Jabbers jabbered. "I'd like to give that pretty girl with the braids a hard time, if you know what I mean!"
"Mr. Jabbers! Will you get ahold of yourself?!"
"She can get ahold of me! Here, sweetie, put your hand up my backside! Feel my chestnuts!"
"You're absolutely incorrigible!" Kinko had admonished before turning to Luke. "Now, sonny, what's your name?"
"Sandy."
"Sandy, huh? You look more like Little Orphan Fannie! Who does your hair, kid? The Electric Company?" the puppet shrilled.
"Jabbers!" Kinko warned. "And what do you do young man?"
"I . . . am a pilot," Luke said hesitantly. He'd understood that no matter what he said, the puppet was going to turn it on him.
"A pilot, huh? Looks like the only thing you should be flying is a kite!"
Luke remembered the whole exchange had garnered only a dim smattering of polite chuckles and he began to suspect Zigfeld and Troy kept the act to look better by contrast and to build anticipation of the main event.
After Kinko rebuked Mr. Jabbers again, they sent Luke backstage to change. One of the assistants chose the Shazam costume and the other applied eyeliner for dramatic effect (he left out the part where it had actually been his idea, but Leia had a suspicious eyebrow raised, so he quickly continued.)
When Luke returned on stage, Kinko and Mr. Jabbers made some baser comments about Leia and lame jokes about Luke's costume, how maybe he was the pretty one after all, and the like.
"Now, don't you want to put this boy in the box and saw him in half?" Kinko asked.
"I'd like it better if I saw his back half walking away. But I'd sure like to get that girl in the box! And from behind, and up, and down, and everywhere else! Then we could do the trick! Hubba, hubba, bubba! What's her name, Little Orphan Sandy?"
"Well, she's my sister," Luke said. By this time he sensed the audience was becoming bored with the tired, old, sexist shtick, and wanted the Zigfeld and Troy show to start already. It made him wary.
"Sister? Who was your mother, a circus clown?" Jabbers countered.
"Now, Sandy, why don't you get in the box?" Kinko asked genially.
"He'd have to come out of the closet first!" the puppet screeched.
"Hey!" Luke protested. The leotard was starting to itch and he was tired of being the butt of the corny gay/girlie jokes already.
"Don't mind Mr. Jabbers, young man, he's a bit naughty," Kinko purred.
"Cut it out, Kinko, from what I can see of his friends, I think he likes naughty dummies," Mr. Jabbers sneered.
Luke rolled his kohl-ringed eyes as someone in the audience coughed. If there had been crickets present, they certainly would have been chirping. "Okay, so when are you going to tell the 'funny' joke? You know, the one that doesn't suck?" he blurted out and laughter suddenly bloomed from the audience. That was more like it.
Kinko was taken off guard, but only for a moment. "So, we've got a wiseguy, huh? Tell me, Mr. Wiseguy, are you a comedian?" The tone of his question told Luke that he'd dealt with hecklers before and had something pretty nasty prepared.
"No, are you?" Luke countered, the audience laughter and renewed interest bolstering his confidence.
"Listen, kid," Kinko frowned, talking low now, sweat beginning to pour from under his gold pompadour, "I'm working my ass off up here."
Luke made an exaggerated point of looking at Kinko's ass. "Oh, I think you could work a little harder." Now people were clapping as well as laughing. Luke gave them all a huge grin and a little wave. Forget being sawed in half – this was much more fun!
"You think this is easy?" Kinko demanded, Mr. Jabbers forgotten like an old umbrella in his hand.
"In comparison to fighting in the war against the Empire? Yes, I do think this is easy," Luke shot back.
"Is that so?!" Mr. Jabbers flopped bonelessly, his head pointed toward the floor, as Kinko glared at the bedazzled young man.
"Yes! It is so!" Luke glared back.
Flustered now, Kinko shouted, "It takes years to learn these tricks and how to play to an audience! But Mr. Funnyman here thinks it's easy! So, Mr. Funnyman, if it's so kriffing easy, do a trick! Go on! Let's see what you got, smart-mouth!" The audience oohed and sat forward in their seats, eager to see if the uppity 'Sandy' was up for the challenge.
Luke merely shrugged. "Okay." Suddenly, his daiquiri glass levitated from the table in front of the stage and landed neatly in his hand to the sound of thunderous applause.
"What is this? A set up? Did Tony send you?!" The pompadour shook with outrage.
"No," Luke insisted, "it's magic! Look, I can do this, too." The cards which were scattered on the floor from a previous trick swirled and flew into a neat stack then floated above Kinko's head where they rained down over him. "That's for saying those nasty things about my sister, you creep. And, for the record, you couldn't cut a loaf of bread in half, much less a person! I can do way better magic than you ever could!"
"Why you!" Kinko started swinging Mr. Jabbers at 'Sandy.'
"I warn you, I know karatay!" Luke lithely evaded the puppet with a series of fancy foot work and weird poses. "I can jump really high, too! I'm Shazam the Super Flyswatter!" He then squatted in some kind of Spider-man pose, fluttering his hands around his eyes then pulling them apart to reveal his face and the audience went nuts.
"You challenged him to a magic dual," Leia muttered, closing her eyes and shaking her head with another astonishing imitation of Uncle Owen's 'that-boy-ain't-right' gestures as the memory grew. Images of Luke and Kinko flashed by: Kinko balancing a pole on the end of his nose with a dish spinning at the top; Luke countering with whipping a table cloth from under dishes, then putting it back undisturbed the same way; Kinko making an audience member disappear under a sheet through a little door in the floor; Luke making Mr. Jabbers walk and dance on his own as the audience cheered louder for each trick. The final coup de gras for Kinko was the last trick. Both Luke and Kinko were tied up with chains to see who could escape first. Luke, drunk now on applause and alcohol (and unbeknownst to him, Roofies,) was true to his word about jumping really high. He leapt, did a tuck/roll mid-air, and landed with the chains hanging freely around him, while Kinko struggled in the background. Kinko, still bound, then hopped off stage, shouting and cursing as Luke bowed deeply to a standing ovation.
"That's right!" Lando enthused as bits of memory returned. "The kid was incredible! And he stuck the landing."
"He was pretty cool up there," Han commented, a bit of awe in his voice that made Luke stand a little taller and preen as the cape fluttered around him.
"Cool?!" Leia's voice and eyes were incredulous. Have the men gone stupid? My brother, hero of the Rebellion who blew up the Death Star and the Jedi who helped take down Palpatine, pranced around on that stage in front of a full audience in that ridiculous Shazam leotard and had a magic-off with some two-bit, half-assed performer who –
"Yeah," Han continued, cutting off her thoughts, "he was having fun. He took on some disgusting, loud-mouthed, two-bit, half-assed ventriloquist who kept insulting both him and you. He stood up to him and he won. I think he was great up there."
Leia's expression softened. Look at me, dressed like this, getting into bar fights – who am I to judge? And it was fun watching Lando dance, and taking down a loudmouth, two-bit gang leader who had her hands on my man. Leave it once again to Han to put things into perspective for me. No wonder I love him so much. "You're right." She quirked her lips into a smile and stepped over to Luke. "You were pretty amazing up there," she said, hugging him.
Luke grinned broadly down at his sister. "See? I am The Amazing Super Flyswatter!"
Leia rolled her eyes in jest and playfully punched him on the bicep. "Don't push it. Watching you use the Force to make that puppet dance was creepy."
"Well, well, well," Lando said in a cautiously smooth voice, "Han won big at the Sabaac table; Leia knocked out Big Sal; Luke out-magicked Kinko; I won a dance contest. We were all pretty cool, huh?"
Han, Luke, and Leia exchanged looks again.
"Uhn uhn," Han grinned.
"No way, Hot Stuff," Leia giggled.
"Dude, you lost a bet, twirled your pants over your head and you're wearing gold bikini briefs," Luke frowned. "How is that ever cool?"
Lando narrowed his eyes at them again as the three of them began to snicker, but before he could retort, people started running and shrieking.
"The tiger!"
"It's on the loose, watch out!"
"I think I see it!"
The four of them loped across the street with the scattered crowd to watch as Animal Control personnel, along with the glittery, Frost-&-Tip team of Zigfeld and Troy themselves, gathered by the fountains to strategize.
"Nah," Han commented, "there's no tiger here. I don't think they found it yet." He wrapped an arm around Leia. "I wonder how it got loo . . ." As his voice trailed off, he looked down and met Leia's brown eyes. Slowly, they turned their heads to stare at Luke, who looked back sheepishly.
"Uh, I can explain. I think." Luke shifted Mr. Jabbers on his hip and began. "I went backstage to change my clothes and, well, there were these cages under there that lift the animals up through the floor onto the stage, right? So, I thought it'd be funny if, instead of a tiger, I'd be in the cage when Zigfeld and Troy whipped off the sheet."
"So you just let it out?" Lando asked doubtfully. Even deliberately drunk and accidentally high, he didn't believe for a minute that Luke Skywalker would just set a tiger on the loose.
"No," Luke winced, his voice lowering into a faint mumble as the memory flooded back, "no, I, uh, put it in Kinko's dressing room."
"Luke!" Leia exclaimed.
"Well, he wasn't in there," he scoffed, rolling his eyes, but omitting the 'duh'. "He was yelling into his phone, all red in the face. What a baby."
Leia pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes and took a few deep cleansing breaths. "So you put a tiger in his room?"
He thought for a second, remembering. "Yes. I guess as soon as I saw him blubbering, that's when I decided where to put the tiger. And when I opened the door to his room, I saw Mr. Jabbers on the couch."
"And you just took him?!" Leia goggled.
"I wasn't stealing him; I was just gonna put him in the cage with me," he explained as if to a child. "Geez, Leia, it's not that hard."
Leia resisted smacking her forehead and slowly drawing her hand down her face, but Han spoke before she could respond.
"That would have been funny," Han mused, beginning to snicker.
"I would've loved to have seen that," Lando agreed with a short laugh.
The men have gone stupid again, she thought before saying, "Okay, so you put the tiger in the room and got into the cage with the puppet – for the first time." She shook her head and muttered, "Can't believe I'm even saying that. So then what happened?"
Luke shrugged, his perm rifling gently in a scant breeze. "I waited, but then, instead of the Zigfeld and Troy show starting, I heard screaming. Kinko was screaming, 'There's a tiger in my room!'" He began to chuckle at the memory.
"Luke!" Leia exclaimed again. Even exasperated, she had to admit to herself, he did make it hard not to laugh with him.
"Sorry, Leia, but you didn't see him in that gold lamé tuxedo, slapping his thighs and shouting about tigers, running around in a circle and waving his hands," he laughed harder, Han and Lando joining him. After a moment, he managed to continue. "The tiger was roaring. I think Kinko scared it when he was waving his hands around and shrieking. That's when I realized that they were gonna find me in the cage and know I did it, so I got out of there and found you guys and we left. That's it. At least that's all I remember."
"So where did we go next?" Leia wondered as more bits of memory floated around in her mind, of laughing and walking in the night air in a crowd of people with Han's arm around her and Chewie's grumbling voice, of Dwayne Newson on stage, of putting coins in slot machines, of dancing with Han and Lando and Luke, of Han playing more Sabaac while she and Chewie ordered more drinks, of Luke making Mr. Jabbers dance and tumble on the street while people threw money and in bars where people clapped. The images were a fuzzy jumble of noises and sensations which had no coherent order, but they seemed to be getting a little clearer with every place they visited and when one of them remembered something.
"Uh, sweetheart?" Han said, making her look up at him. "I think I know at least one place we went." He was staring above her head as if lost in thought.
"You do? Where?"
He simply took her chin in his hand and turned her head to look at the window of the nearest storefront.
Her mouth fell open. There, in the window of The Happiest Little Wedding Chapel and Tattoo Parlor in Regas, was a photo of the back of a couple at the altar. The man's hair with the golden highlights and the brown suede shirt looked suspiciously like Han, and the woman's long, colorful braids and jean jacket looked suspiciously like Leia.
"That's us!" she gasped.
**************************123
A bell tinkled as they entered the premises of the establishment better known as The Happiest Little Chapel and Tattoo Parlor in Regas. The outer lobby was decorated in white lace curtains and white vinyl chairs and lots of mirrors with a front counter filled with wedding rings and veils and the like. On the walls were posted rates, package specials, photos of happy customers, and twinkling white lights.
After perhaps ten seconds, a dark haired human male emerged from a door behind the counter.
"My friends! Look who's here!" he exclaimed excitedly in a thick accent, coming around the end of the counter to greet them. He enveloped Han in a great hug, clapping him on the back. "How are you, my friend?! You miss me? You miss Freddie? And where's your beautiful girl? There she is!" He hugged Leia, too, laughing, "You two are wild! Look at you! Look at the two of you! So beautiful and wild! And you, you crazy man!" Here, he snagged Lando in an embrace, "you are crazy! Insane! Gold bikini briefs! My gods! But this, this one-" he pointed at Luke, "I have to tell you, I've met many people in my life, many people have come through here, but he is the sickest, most crazy bastard of them all!"
Luke looked at the stranger, wide-eyed, and innocently pointed to himself, which made Freddie burst out laughing as he came forward and hugged him enthusiastically. "Yes, you and that little puppet droid of yours! Is that him in the blanket? You are one sick son of a bitch! I thought you were going to eat me, you know what I am saying?! Ha! What's the matter, you have no love for Freddie?"
"Freddie? Is that your name?" Han asked hesitantly. The swirl of last night's lost memories were trying to paste themselves together.
"Of course, it's Freddie, you don't remember me?" Freddie asked, still laughing.
"Uh, actually, Freddie, we're having a bit of trouble remembering much of last night," Leia confessed. "Somebody Roofied us and we were drinking and . . ."
He nodded, not at all surprised. "Happens all the time, my friends. You all came in here and the two of you wanted to get married. I hope you have not changed your minds. I've seen a lot of couples in my time, but rarely have I seen such love between two people. I mean that sincerely."
Leia blushed and smiled, melting into Han's side. "No, we didn't change our minds. We just want to know what happened, see if we can remember anything. Can you help us out?"
Freddie's smile widened with relief. "Of course, of course, come with me, come back here." He led them through the door into the chapel in the back. There were six small pews on either side of a short aisle carpeted in gold crepe.
"Was there . . . I seem to remember . . . a Velvet Cresley impersonator?" Leia said, cocking her head in wistful concentration.
"Yes, yes, that's my cousin, Sergio," Freddie enthused. "He does a very nice job. You picked the Velvet Cresley Deluxe Package, my friends."
Han nodded, a smile beginning to form. "He sang, 'I Can't Help Falling In Love With You.' Remember?"
She remembered:
. . . walking down the glittery gold aisle toward Han, who stood in front of the altar, tall and handsome and smiling that dazzling smile, the one that made her swoon with weak knees and made her heartbeat pound in her ears. Luke's and Lando's vague shapes occupied one side of the aisle, and on the other side seemed to be Chewie and someone else. But all she could focus on was Han, and she had to resist the urge to run the rest of the way when he held out his hand as she approached. They giggled at each other and held hands while Freddie conducted the ceremony. Han told her how he knew, as soon as she opened her mouth and delivered that very first insult, that she was the girl for him, how he'd followed her around the galaxy and dreamt of her every night, and that he was the luckiest guy who ever lived because she was his. Through stray tears, she confessed that she'd fallen hopelessly in love with him before she even landed in the garbage chute, how thinking about him had kept her up most nights, and that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her and he made her happier than she had a right to be. Then Dick and Foxy took each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others, until the end of time.
After Freddie pronounced them husband and wife, they leaned in to seal the deal with a slow, sweet kiss. Then there seemed to be a commotion involving Chewie . . .
"Yes, your hairy friend had to tackle Dwayne Newson. He didn't even look like a very good impersonator, I'm telling you. Sergio is a much better Velvet," Freddie insisted.
"Yeah," Han coughed, "impersonator. Right."
Luke chuckled to himself, "Dick and Foxy. Classic."
Lando gave him a look before saying, "At least we know the big fella was here with us, right? When was this? When did we come in?"
"Around two-thirty this morning," Freddie said, "You were all so crazy. You had just come in from The Galamio. Shazam, here, wanted to marry the puppet-doll, thought it would be funny! Ha!"
"Well, that wouldn't be legal anyway," Leia observed, trying to sound calm as her stomach began to clench with dread. "Would it? I mean, he, um, didn't, did he?" First K8-E and now Mr. Jabbers . . . I'll have to remember to check on 3PO when we get back. And I haven't seen R2 in a while, ether. She eyed her brother uneasily.
"No, no, legally, a sentient, organic being cannot marry a droid or an object, no," Freddie reassured her (she let out an audible 'whew'), "but he was crackin' my balls, making the doll chase Goldie-Pants here! He was shrieking like a woman!" ("Hey!" Lando's mouth dropped open in mortification.) Freddie laughed and pointed at Luke, "You, my friend, should really have your own magic show! Very funny, very crazy, this guy!"
Luke gave his sister a good-natured grin. "See, Lei-dy Marmalade? You can relax; I didn't marry a puppet," he tutted smugly.
"Well, that's certainly something to boast about," she retorted dryly. Yet anothing thing I never expected to come out of Luke's mouth. "Especially after Hapes." Luke had had quite the time, for lack of a better phrase, during their visit for the Royal Wedding. There had been the nude beach incident, as well as what Han had termed, 'the night of the three women,' among other things, but to be fair, it was Hapes, a place where too much was not enough, where over the top was the norm, much like Mas Regas. Luke, she grudgingly admitted, had probably been somewhat tame by Hapan standards. And he was single, after all.
"Hey, what happens on Hapes, stays on Hapes," Luke quipped, turning a few shades darker under her knowing gaze. "And it wasn't my fault Mon didn't know it was a nude beach, okay? She should have read the signs. Sheesh."
"She still can't look you in the eye," Leia smirked.
"Yeah, well, she wasn't looking me in the eye at the beach, either," Luke muttered, cracking them all up, as he remembered the very uncomfortable weeks-long flight back to Coruscant onboard The Sweet Liberty, during which the Chief of State made a point of taking most of her meals in her room, claiming hyperspace was giving her an inner ear disturbance.
Even as he laughed, something was poking at Lando's brain, something he wasn't sure he wanted an answer to, but he had to ask. "Um, Freddie, how do you know about my, uh, gold underpants?" Kriff, does everybody in Regas know? Who else did I show them to? He imagined dancing his way through the Regas streets, pants whirling over his head, gold underwear flashing under the famous billboard lights.
"I saw them when I was inking your tattoo. Your friends here were cracking wise and calling you 'Hot Stuff.' I think you won a stripping contest or something," Freddie shrugged.
Lando stared at him open mouthed again with mortification as Luke chortled behind his back, "Classic."
"You got a tattoo?" Han laughed, "Let's see!"
"Of course, of course," Freddie chuckled, "you all did. Normally the Velvet Deluxe Package only includes tattoos for the happy couple, but since you paid a little extra for the replacement documents that were destroyed during the war, I threw in a few extra for your friends."
Everybody was silent for a moment, staring at each other in horrified shock, then Han said, "Um, we all got tattoos? Are you sure?"
"You all wanted to commemorate the wild night you were having. Come, I'll show you."
They hesitantly followed Freddie though the door behind the altar and into the tattoo parlor which was filled with drawings, photos, chairs, bottles of inks and antiseptics, trays and tools. There was a large mirror along one wall and Freddie led them over. "Take a look at your right hips."
The little group frowned at each other, silently daring each other to go first, when finally, Lando sighed. "Okay. Let's see." He tuned to position his right hip at the mirror, pulled up his shirt and pulled down the waistband of his pants just low enough to expose his hip. "Please don't say 'Hot Stuff', please don't say, 'Super Freak,'" he chanted. What they found was a drawing of a solid black mustache with the words Smooth Operator underneath in a funky, disco-type font. "Hey!" he shouted with relief, "not bad!"
Freddie beamed.
"I want to see mine, too," Leia piped up excitedly. Her father and aunts would have never allowed this! She took Lando's place before the mirror and regarded the men around her. "Um, guys? I'm wearing a dress. I have to pull it up, so you can't look. Except you," she said to Han. "You can look." He grinned down at her as Lando, Freddie and Luke stepped back and turned away. Leia hiked her dress up over her hip and moved the tiny band on her barely-there panties aside ("Nice," Han growled playfully in her ear.) There, on her smooth, creamy skin was the name Foxy Lady Marmalade in a pretty open script filled in with all the colors of her hair. "I love it," she marveled, describing it for the others. She wondered what Mon Mothma would say about this. "It's beautiful," Han agreed, wriggling his eyebrows, "and the tattoo isn't bad, either."
"Funny," she chided. "You're up, Flyboy." With that, she yanked down her dress and moved him into place while Lando, Luke and Freddie moved back in.
With trepidation, Han unzipped his fly and slowly lowered the right hip of his jeans. Dear gods, what could it be? he wondered. A blaster? I (heart) Princesses? Chewie Forever? Those would be tame. What if it has to do with an old girlfriend, like Bria, or something dumb, like 'I had the rest, and I kept the best'? I can get pretty out of hand when I'm drunk. Maybe not like Luke, but still. Leia lifted the edge of his shirt to reveal a spiky, gothic script reading Scoundrel with a small princess crown hanging off the letter 'd.' He laughed with relief and remembered it had been Leia who had chosen it and had made sure Freddie didn't mar his 'perfect, sweet ass' (Leia's words.) "I'll need to get a better look at this later," she whispered suggestively, winking at him as the others chattered around them.
"Me, now," Luke insisted, nudging Han out of the way and shoving the puppet into his brother-in-law's arms, making Lando gasp and jump back a little. Like Leia, Luke had never been allowed this kind of freedom and had never been on his own like Lando and Han had. He'd gone from being a repressed, sensitive, goofy, good-hearted nineteen year old kid on his uncle's farm, to being a soldier in the Rebellion where there was structure, discipline, and routine, to a being a Jedi-in-training padawan with Yoda, to being what he was now: a Commander in Rogue Squadron and a Jedi Master. The concept of fun was on short order most of the time, and his path had been chosen for him by circumstance and the Force. Instead of struggling to make his way in the world, figuring out his life, and the folly of youth, Luke's stresses included upholding the Jedi standard and trying to live up to it, especially in light of what had become of his father. It was an overwhelming responsibility and one he took very seriously and because of that, he lived for occasional stuff like this - a chance to just be Luke, that goofy kid from Tattooine without Uncle Owen's and Aunt Beru's restrictions and rules.
Now, eagerly, he flipped back the cape and slipped his arms from the top of the unitank and began to pull it down.
"Um, what - ?" Leia began, making a face. Luke was so impulsive when he was under the influence and she winced at the thought of what was on his hip.
"It's one piece, Foxy," he explained and pulled the leotard down over his hip. They all craned their necks to see.
"Is that a . . ." Lando muttered, biting his lips.
"It looks like, well . . ." Han tried, squinting again at the image. Couldn't be. Could it?
"Please tell me it's not what it looks like," Leia breathed. She wasn't sure why she was surprised, not when he was dressed like that, dragging a doll around Mas Regas. The only thought she could comfort herself with was that he'd been full of liquor and Roofies and didn't know any better. Probably.
Luke pushed the cape back again and twisted a little to get a better look. "Sweet!" he grinned.
"Sweet?" Leia repeated, staring at the little picture on her brother's hip. It appeared to be a vertical, long, blue cylindrical object, perhaps an inch and half long, with two circles underneath, one yellow and one orange. To Leia and the others, it looked like a set of some weird kind of erect male genitals.
"Well, I was kind of afraid I'd gotten a tattoo of that puppet. I mean, who'd want that on their ass? You saw how Darcy reacted on the train. But, see? That long blue thing is a light saber and those two circles underneath are the twin suns of Tattooine." He happily examined the tattoo, totally oblivious as Lando, Han, and Leia exchanged looks.
Han bowed his head, hiding his grin, afraid Lando would set him off again, and put a comforting arm around his wife, pulling her against him as she muttered, "But it looks like a . . . well, you know, with . . . big, yellow balls . . . under . . . it."
Next to them, Lando bit his lips and quietly snorted laughter, mostly at hearing the princess utter the word, 'balls.'
"It's not funny," Leia hissed, beginning to laugh herself, as she felt Han follow suit, letting his repressed laughter go, while Luke skivvied back into his unitard.
Freddie clapped his hands together, "I'm so glad you're happy, you crazy mother-lovers. The 'puter was down, so your video, photos, mugs, and everything else will be ready tomorrow."
Han nodded, "That's fine. No problem, but, uh, you don't happen to know where we might've headed after we left, do you, Freddie?"
"Yes, sure, that Dwayne Newson guy wanted you to go back to The Malagio with him, said he had a room there. I hope you did not go with him. He seemed very sketchy to me, especially after the tattoo he asked for."
"What do you mean?" Han asked warily, as another memory began to bubble to the surface. But why would I be on a stage? Was there singing? Oh, gods, I wasn't singing, was I? Visions of his brother-in-law singing awkward karaoke at The Blue Paradise Lounge needled him. Oh, no! Not like Luke! Not that!
"Well, you know. Your face," Freddie hesitated, looking embarrassed.
"My face?" Han's expression was one of bewilderment and dread.
"Yeah, yeah, he wanted me to make a tattoo of your face on his hip. You don't remember that?"
Behind his back, Luke, Leia, and Lando began to snicker again. Han couldn't even muster a frown at them as snippets of memories began to take shape. "Uh, no. So, um, what happened? You didn't, I mean, he didn't, uh . . ." A horrifying fantasy began to play out in his mind, of Dwayne Newson performing various, everyday acts, such as brushing his teeth, swimming, and showering, all while Han's own face sat perched on his beefy haunch. He imagined Dwayne up on stage, all sweaty, and his (Han's) face smooshed in the dark, on that burly, be-leathered ass. He shook his head as if to clear his mind like a shaken snow globe.
"No, no," Freddie protested, "are you kidding me? The guy was creepy! He tried to stop the wedding and your hairy friend had to tackle him. So I gave him a tat of a goofy-looking orange Gungan instead. I didn't like how he kept eying you, Dick, and trying to weasel himself between you and Foxy, trying to push her out of the way so he could have you all to himself."
Han's eyebrows shot straight up. "What?!"
Freddie shook his head, "He could not keep his hands off you, my friend. Your wife finally had to threaten to punch him in the vagina."
At this, Lando's deep laugh rumbled freely; Leia covered her mouth, trying to stop the giggles from bursting through; and Luke had the audacity to cackle gleefully, despite the fact that he stood at the mirror, wiping off smudges from his eyeliner. Han gave them a fierce glare, narrowing his eyes and pressing his lips together for emphasis.
Finally, it was time to leave the chapel/tattoo parlor. They thanked Freddie, hugging him, and promised to come back tomorrow for their wedding items. Then they found themselves back on the street, making their way down the Strip toward The Malagio, happy and hopeful that there was a very good chance they would find the missing Wookiee asleep in Dwayne Newson's suite. (Both Luke and Leia insisted he was still sleeping and safe, but that's as far as the Force would allow.)
Bits of last night's adventures with the legendary Dwayne Newson continued to come forth, much to Han's horror..
"He serenaded you!" Luke exclaimed animatedly as they walked.
"What? No," Han protested weakly, because some of the fog was clearing off the memory. After the magic show, they'd gone down the street to The Malagio to gamble and see the show. And there was something about Chewie, something he couldn't quite grasp.
"Yes, he did! He pulled you up on stage!" Luke insisted with gleeful amusement.
"And Chewie was mad," Leia interjected merrily, "he was so jealous!" She remembered his petty howls and barks of bitter envy as Han was reluctantly, physically pulled onstage by Dwayne himself. [That's not fair! I'm his number one fan! You suck, cub!]
"And you weren't too happy about it either," Lando chuckled at Han, "you sat on a tall stool in the middle of the stage, brooding and cringing as Newson sang to you, up close and personal! You looked like you were at the dentist's office having a root canal!"
They laughed as Leia recalled, "And when you said your name was Dick, Dwayne said, 'Dick, huh? I like it.' Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the look on your face was priceless!" Then she did an imitation of Han's expression of appalled horror that made even Han laugh.
"He was pretty aggressive. He kept you up there for a while," Luke added, "you kept trying to sneak off and escape and he kept wrangling you back onto that stool. I remember you mouthing the word, 'Help!' at us, and the whole audience was cracking up."
"Dick, Dick, where ya going, buddy?" Dwayne said, wrapping a white-leathered, meaty arm around Han's shoulders and forcefully steering him back to the stool after Han had tiptoed to the edge of the stage when Dwayne's back was turned. "You're not trying to leave me, are ya? Not trying to skip out on old Dwayne, right? Stay, stay, you'll like this one!" he crooned and broke into a rendition of Strangers in the Night.
"Yeah," Lando added, "and when he finally did let you leave the stage, he said, 'This is Dick, everybody! Give him a big hand! I know I'd like to.'"
At this point, they were laughing too hard to walk, and had to stop for a moment.
"Thanks for not rescuing me or anything," he groused in an exaggerated 'I-hope-you're-all-happy-so-just-laugh-it-up' tone, folding his arms in front of him, watching them crack up again. "And you, princess, you let him put his big, meaty hands all over me." He slowly shook his head at her, affecting a wounded air, trying not to laugh.
"He did, too!" Lando crowed. "Remember, he kept feeling his biceps, saying, 'What a man! Feel these guns!'"
When they were able to resume walking, Leia took Han's hand and giggled, "Poor baby. Don't worry, I'll protect you from Dwayne Newson and any other nightclub singer who tries to take advantage of you."
Han grinned down at her, squeezing her hand. "Actually, I'm relieved," he admitted as they came to the corner and waited to cross the street, "I kept wondering why I remembered being onstage, kinda worried I was singing or something."
"At least you weren't whipping your pants around your head," Leia chuckled, shooting a look at Lando.
"Hey! I –"
And that was when a blue hover-truck screeched to a halt at the curb next to them.
Two woman emerged from either side. One of them was a dark-haired, pretty, athletic type with red lipstick, and the other was petite, sporting a reddish Mohawk ponytail and a diamond stud in her nose, and both wore black jackets with Boom Town Chicks emblazoned on the back.
"Hey," the one with red lipstick called, jogging up next to them. (Leia swore she'd seen her earlier on the bus.) Mohawk was slower, sauntering over on high heels, chewing gum.
"So this is Foxy Lady Marmalade," Mohawk said, eying Leia up and down. She didn't exactly wear a sneer, but it was hard to tell, because her face was kind of naturally pooched that way.
"Who are you?" Leia asked as Han protectively put an arm around her, his hand resting on the butt of his blaster under his shirt. Lando and Luke flanked her other side for good measure, though the fact that one was wearing a magic-marker mustache and the other was dressed like an out-of-work magician's assistant might have discredited the intimidating, protective gesture.
"I'm Diamond," she answered in a clipped, nasally whine. "I'm leader of The Boom Town Chicks. That's Sweet Rosie," she said, nodding to the other girl. Her gum cracked loudly as she chewed open mouthed. "Follow me." With that, she tottered past them down the side street, taking quick, tiny steps.
************************ANOTHER AUTHOR'S NOTE
This chapter just seemed to keep going on too long, so I decided to save the rest for the next chapter.
Also, the next chapter of The Invitation will be up in a couple of weeks.
Oh! And I just came up with an idea about the tiger! Hah! Yes!
Stay tuned for more wackiness (I bet you're all wondering when Luke is finally going to change out of that Shazam unitank, huh? We'll see . . . )
