Princess Leia Forever! Leia Lives On!
Okay, so I know this is long and I warned you that this is not a proper chapter, but a tribute/discussion regarding Carrie Fisher and what I intend to do with my fan fics. I updated both of my stories, The Invitation and Leia's Very Bad Day with this same update, so no need to read both if you are so inclined.
Before I get to my essay, I have to share this because it made me laugh: I just read an article in Variety that Mark Hamill penned about Carrie Fisher. In it, he recounts how she once coerced him into dressing up in her white one-piece snowsuit from The Empire Strikes Back. She put a bald-cap on his head with clown hair, complete with a fake nose and glasses and had him parade in the back lot, and he wrote that the outfit was so tight he felt like a Vegas lounge singer. Now, the reason it made me laugh is obvious if you've been reading Leia's Very Bad Day. I quite enjoy dressing Luke up in ridiculous outfits and making him do and say outrageous things myself, and I guess Carrie liked to do the same with Mark in real life. Since Mark's done it in real life, I don't feel so bad making Luke do so in my stories. Hint: he'll be doing a bit more of that in The Invitation, too.
This is what I wrote a few days ago:
What a shitty Christmas, huh? I had the day off on Friday Dec. 23rd, had just finished mopping the floor and decided to take a little break before wrapping the presents and then vacuuming the living room and bathroom because Christmas Eve was at our house this year. I turned on the computer and my heart sank when I saw the little picture of a 40-ish Carrie Fisher, smiling with her eyes half-closed with the caption that she had collapsed on a plane and had apparently suffered a heart attack, condition unknown. What really got me was the fact that in that picture she is in front of a yellow stucco wall. I've never told anyone except the hubby this, but many years ago in the 80s, I had a dream that there was an all-Star Wars channel on the tv (this was when cable consisted of your regular 3 channels, PBS, a Canadian station, and a premium movie channel that played about 5 movies the entire month). In the dream, a news reporter sat in front of a yellow stucco wall with the Star Wars logo in bas relief, and she reported that Carrie Fisher had been killed in an automobile accident. I woke up shaken, and was on edge for weeks, worrying about her. So when I saw that wall behind her in that little picture, part of me felt it was an omen.
If you haven't read my biography, I'll recap: I saw Star Wars as a little girl when it first came out in that fabled year of 1977. Like most of you (I actually assume all of you if you are reading and writing fan fic), I was hooked. My main crush that year was John Travolta, but I managed a simultaneous mini-crush on Mark Hamill/Luke Skywalker, too, unbeknownst to my grade-school friends who were drooling all over those tender, pasty boys Shawn Cassidy and Andy Gibb (I've always, even as a young girl, liked older men – take a look at Barry Gibb of the BeeGees of that era – Holy Crap, he's hot. I would have preferred him over those innocent, hairless young boys any day!) Anyway, I liked to daydream a lot and would write stories about my adventures as Princess Leia's young sister who'd been sent into hiding with the Rebels on Yavin 4. I didn't have a Star Wars name or anything, just my own, and I would imagine that I had been discovered by George Lucas as my mom and I were having lunch at Howard Johnson's when we were visiting relatives in California. I would tell Mike Douglas and his audience how Mr. Lucas had come over to our table as I was eating my fried clam platter and asked my mom to bring me by the next day for an audition because I looked a lot like Carrie Fisher (brown eyes, long brown hair, round cheeks) and would be perfect for the role, and I can't tell you how many times in my mind, I sat on Merv Griffin's couch and recounted how the kids at school spurned me now that I was reluctantly famous.
**Please note that I am not insane. I know, I know – people who are insane never think they are insane. I will admit to being quirky and downright weird, but I did have a very normal life. I had a middle class, suburban family, a close circle of friends, I did normal kid-stuff, got along with most kids at school, suffered my share of bullies, wrote in my journals, did well in school, and above all, I understood that these were fantasies and daydreams, which were just fun and escapist things to think of when I was bored, and I never believed it was in any way real. I do have a normal family life and a job and stuff. I just want to assure you all that I did not have a break with reality. (Um, okay, so for our wedding cake topper, we may have used Han Solo and Princess Leia action figures, but, hey, who hasn't? Am I right? Anybody?)
The month before The Empire Strikes Back was released, my mom bought me the paperback book. Yes, I did know that Darth Vader was Luke's father a full month before the movie came out and I didn't tell anyone. Because I didn't care about that; I had fallen head-over-heels in love with Harrison Ford/Han Solo! I had recently begun to read romance novels, and I recognized the sexual tension and banter between the sexy smuggler and the haughty princess. (If anyone doesn't already know, romance novels are lady porn – there's lots of heaving bosoms, castles, and tight breeches, where the virginal young lady, usually a high-born noble, falls in love with the lowly, smart-mouthed, sexy pirate, and there's lots of sex.) When the movie came out, I swooned when Han and Leia kissed for the first time after all that arguing and denying their feelings for each other. Sigh. It wasn't until my best friend (she's still my best friend today!), who also happened to have a crush on Han, sneered that Han could do better than Leia, that I realized I was in love with her, too. I defended Leia, and accepted that I had fallen hopelessly in love with Han and Leia and their love story. It captured my imagination, filled countless hours of daydreams, and they are the basis of every love story I write, whether it's fan fic or other stories I come up with. Their names may change, the setting may change, but it is always about Han and Leia.
Now, throughout the years, I've watched many interviews with Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, read many articles about them and their lives, and, of course, seen many a movie starring either of them. I literally cannot count how many times I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark that summer it came out (well into the 20s - no lie) and while I loved Indiana Jones and thought he had great chemistry with Marion, I did not thrill to them as a couple as I did Han and Leia, and Carrie's roles in subsequent movies did not capture my imagination either. So while I harbored crushes on the movie stars themselves, I've come to understand that they are NOT Han and Leia. Of course not; they are real people - actors - who play roles. And of course I love them, too, as real people who brought me Han and Leia and Luke and the rest. I'm a Star Wars fan after all and the characters the actors, the story . . . well, they're all a part of it, so how could I not love them? As a kid, it wasn't easy discerning the difference, but I never held it against Harrison and Carrie that they were not married to each other. I knew they were good friends, and that was good enough for me. I would always say to myself, 'God, I hope they did it in real life.' They just have so much chemistry in The Empire Strikes Back. In November of the sucky year of 2016, Carrie revealed that they really did do it and it threw me for a loop, because somehow, I wanted them to be attracted to each other, do it, and be friends, and that's true – it did happen, but I didn't want either of them to be hurt by it, you know? In her last memoir, The Princess Diarist, Carrie reveals more than just a physical affair; she reveals Harrison to be pretty un-Hanlike (cheating on a wife, quiet, intense – I like him and I don't think he's a bad guy, mind you, just not Han-ish) and she also reveals her feelings, and that's so vulnerable. It made me hurt for her, and I didn't want her to hurt. Years ago, she gave an interview about how she'd write poems in her diary, and she'd written one about an old boyfriend, with the line, "You took my breath away, and now I want it back." I thought it was clever, but I never dreamed the 'old boyfriend' was actually Harrison Ford! But I always understood that as real people, Harrison and Carrie would have made a terrible real-life married couple and worked much better as friends. Apparently, they thought so too.
Okay, so my point is, is that in all the years I've been a Star Wars fan, I've read many an article, watched many an interview, and understood that the people who portray Han and Leia, are, in fact, NOT Han and Leia. Harrison has his own trials and tribulations, much of which came to light after his 2nd divorce, and Carrie's problems have been well known and documented since the 80s. At first (in the 80s), there were whispers that she had a bad drug habit, and it upset me greatly. I don't wish ill on anyone, let alone one of my Star Wars faves. Then she accidentally overdosed in the mid-80s, and her mental condition was revealed. I still love them, am still interested enough to watch and read about them, still think Harrison Ford is hot (Sexiest Man Alive 1998!) But if they were Han and Leia, they'd be together, not married to other people. And they wouldn't have the problems that Harrison and Carrie have. Or the problems any real people have, for that matter. Han and Leia always know exactly what to do and say because they are an idealized fantasy, and that's their appeal to me. They're safe, they're secure, and I can make them do and say anything I want in my stories. Han never has a drinking problem (I don't actually know if Harrison has or had a problem, but it's been hinted at) and he always comes through. And Leia would never indulge in drugs and is always steadfast in her leadership and ideals. That's the fun of daydreams and fan fic, after all – we have complete control with no real-life problems or shortcomings.
(Sorry, just wanted to clarify 'cuz that got a bit wordy: I had crushes on my Star Wars faves as real people and understand that they, like all real people, have faults and have feet of clay, too, and I accept that - I don't expect anybody to be perfect or act perfect and I don't hold that against them - I may not have liked some of the stuff I've read, but that's fine - they're just people doing their own thing. I also don't expect them to act like or be like their characters, Han and Leia, because Han and Leia are the fantasy couple. They're the ones I daydream about or write about, not Harrison and Carrie, but of course I use their likenesses because they portray Han and Leia. You all get it.)
I've worried over the years about the actors who portray my favorite fictional couple. They are, like the rest of us, getting up there, and I always wondered how I'd react if something happened to one of them. When Harrison crashed his plane in March 2015, I waited with baited breath until I read a tweet by his son that 'Dad is okay.' Whew. But then, December 23, 2016 happened. And I knew. I knew because of that damned yellow stucco wall. I honestly don't know how I managed to wrap presents, vacuum, clean the bathroom, and the next day, make food. I didn't want to. I wanted to make sure Carrie was okay, because ever since I first saw her as Princess Leia, she's always been dear to me as one of my favorites, because the woman was just so darn funny and unique and herself. With her penchant for self-depreciation, I just wanted to hug her and take her home and protect her, because it made her so vulnerable. The hubby knew I was upset (he was too), but we held it together for Christmas Eve. I lied to my family and told them I'd gotten some bad news about a friend (not totally a lie.) I did nothing on Christmas, except search the internet for a word about her. I knew from personal family experience that they'd put her in a medically induced coma and put her in a hypothermic state, so we probably wouldn't know anything for days. I prayed for her and her family on Monday, and checked the internet on Tuesday before I went to work. I told everyone I was upset because of my friend, and then it happened around 1:30 pm (on the East Coast.) I felt numb. I took a few long bathroom breaks to cry a little, but I made it through the day. I also felt a little relieved, too. Let me explain -
Carrie Fisher was a brilliant woman. She had more personality than anybody had any right to have. She may have lamented having to live in the shadow of her famous, beautiful mother, but she also loved her mother and worshipped her, and never felt that she quite measured up (this from things I've read.) Maybe it had to do with the fact that Carrie never quite forgave her father for his failings in life, and she was a product of not just her mother (good) but her father as well (bad.) Just my own guess. She always wanted to be beautiful like her mom, and never thought she was. But she was. She was beautiful in her own right, and she was so much more. She was bold. She was funny. She had her own style. She could write. She had talent – acting, singing, writing, and was a great comedienne. I remember once (80s) she was a guest on Johnny Carson, and when you were a guest, you sat and talked with Johnny, then moved over on the couch and stayed for the next guest, and so on. Carrie was the first guest, then another came on, someone who mentioned he had co-starred with her mother in a movie and had played her mother's lover. Just as Johnny was opening his mouth to ask a question, Carrie, feet tucked under her on the couch next to Ed McMahon, slyly quipped, "How was she?" causing Johnny, the guest, Ed McMahon and the whole audience to burst out laughing. She was perfectly and uniquely herself and it was more than enough and it was wonderful.
Many times over the years, Debbie and Carrie's brother, Todd, have done interviews about Carrie and her mental illness and how they'd almost lost her at least 17 times. Bi-Polar disorder is believed to be a condition caused by both biological and environmental factors. It is very tough to treat. There are varying degrees from mild to severe. Carrie had a severe case (again, interviews with Carrie herself.) It is very common for people with this mental illness to engage in risky behavior and to have a history of drug abuse, and the suicide rate is about 20%. I've read that many patients really like the manic part – a time marked by euphoria, creativity, joy, but also hallucinations and sometimes paranoia. Carrie said it was like being on a continuous acid trip, and that actually taking acid calmed her down to 'normal.' The depressive part is a crushingly low period and renders the person inert with crushing despair. She fought the diagnosis (which came when she was 13), suffered through the worst of it in her 20s, and came to terms with it in her 30s. She'd suffered through bad relationships, her drug addiction, her mental illness and got clean, got sober, got help, took her medications, had a baby, had some difficulties with the meds, was in a mental hospital for a few months as they regulated her meds, had shock treatments to help with the depression, and she came out the other side. She was honest about it, talked about it, was a champion for mental health. And she never lost her sense of humor. She was a warrior; Princess Leia had nothing on her in that respect.
This is why I felt a bit of relief: For all she'd been through, Carrie was back. She was writing, acting (as Princess or General Leia again), performing, and she was in a good place in her life. She was a star on Twitter and everybody looked forward to the next Carrie and Gary Fisher interview. See, she'd lived through the toughest parts of her life and illness. She made it through her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and then at 60, when her plane touched down that day, she was happy and well. She was not a victim of her disease and it did not kill her. She didn't die a young woman with so much ahead of her, her hopes and dreams unfulfilled. She didn't die as a result of drugs or suicide. She went naturally at the age of 60, which, as I get older doesn't seem so old to me at all. We can say, "Well, yeah, but she could've had 20 more years," but none of us know of our time to go either. She lived a full, whole life. She had 60 wonderful, terrible, incredible years and she lived them out loud. She lived them fearlessly and fully. How many of us can say the same?
And let me tell you something else: I've lost both parents to very different causes. One was sick for a year and it was sheer hell on earth for him and for us (he was in his sixties.) Every day was a new tragedy of pain and despair. The other passed away just like Carrie – fine one moment, then she complained she didn't feel well, couldn't breathe, and slipped away in a matter of minutes. When my siblings and I talk of my mom, we hate that she left us, but we are always grateful it was quick and that she didn't suffer and neither did we. Trust me, if you have to go (and we all do) this is not the worst way to go. Death is always sad for the people you leave behind. It always has been. But Carrie went naturally, not by accident, not by illness, not by circumstances related to her mental state. If there's a good thing to all this, it's that: she went naturally. I've read that some people are speculating about her heart being damaged by her prior drug use, or even that maybe she was using something due to her recent weight loss (she looked very tiny!), but remember that for many years she'd been under the close supervision of doctors due to her condition, and if she had any heart problems I'm sure they were aware. And she was not alone. The brother stated on 20/20 the other night that Carrie was never alone, that she always had somebody with her. She was well enough and healthy enough, both mentally and physically, to be working and traveling. Clearly what happened was totally unexpected. Again, she'd gotten it together, she was working a lot and was in a good place in her life, and that's so much better than passing away during a bad place in her life, especially for her family and friends who can remember that she was triumphant and happy, not miserable and sad.
**The results of how Carrie died are inconclusive (as of 1-10-17.) It's true that whatever happened was unexpected and not on purpose. She definitely had a cardiac arrest, but the question is why. It's important to note that she'd been on a plane for 11 hours and when they got her to the hospital, they did blood and urine tests, among others, and could not determine anything obvious (I actually read that.) Her condition could very well be natural, or, since she was on medication for her bi-polar disorder, maybe something interacted. It will take weeks to know. (Side note - Garry Shandling's autopsy results actually took 7 months to determine what happened to him - blood clot in heart. And incidentally, Carrie dated him briefly right before she married Paul Simon. And Calista Flockhart dated him, too, right before she met Harrison Ford. I'm getting off track.) Okay, my point is, they were not able to determine through those tests at the hospital what had happened to her to cause the cardiac arrest. It could be a perfectly natural occurrence, or maybe a result of medication. Or it could be something more sinister, like a binge (but I would think they'd have found that at the hospital when they took her in, but what do I know?) Anyway, she lived a full, whole life, and even if it turns out it was something more than a natural occurrence, it definitely was not deliberate. We're all fallible, and she had a severe mental disorder that she finally owned and battled. She was still happy, working, travelling, and being herself, and was at a good place in her life. So whatever those results show, what happened was not on purpose. She was still triumphant and happy with no signs of slowing down or stopping any time soon. I just wanted to add this and to say that her family loves her no matter what, and she's still one of my favorites no matter what.
I am also oddly comforted that her mother followed her into the Great Beyond, mainly because I have read how they depended on each other and took care of each other and worried about each other. I felt so bad not just for her daughter (she's young and she'll get through this), but for her mom especially who I imagine was so lost when all this happened. It just doesn't seem like the natural order of things when your daughter goes before you (there is no natural order, really, because all things happen in this world.) But now she doesn't have to mourn the loss of her girl. The two were close; they were the loves of each other's lives (according to Todd.) They shared a sort of mother-daughter marriage in a way, and Todd says it is the only thing he is 'happy' about, that they are together.
I honestly did not know at first how I would feel about continuing my stories, The Invitation and Leia's Very Bad Day. But then I remembered what I read in The Princess Diarist: Carrie loved and embraced her role as Princess Leia. At George Lucas's AFI tribute ten-or-so years ago, she came onstage and introduced herself as Mrs. Han Solo. She reveled in the notoriety of that role. She loved the fans and she understood that, just as her mother's legacy was Singin' in the Rain and The Unsinkable Molly Brown, her legacy was Star Wars. Her legacy was Princess Leia, and it's something that will live on forever. She was proud to portray Princess Leia, and she should have been. She owned that role and she beat out hundreds of actresses to get it. Because of her, Princess Leia is no willowy, delicate beauty in need of rescue; she's short, mouthy, smart, pretty, determined, deadly with a blaster, and gives as good as she gets. I want to thank her for giving us a Leia like that.
I've read a few authors here who are writing good-bye fan fics for Leia, and I think this is a mistake, at least as far as I'm concerned. They can certainly do what they want, because you should always do what you feel is right in your own mind and heart and that is your prerogative. Nobody can force you to think or feel otherwise, and that's fine. But I think Carrie would be hurt and sad if we were to say good-bye to Princess Leia and if we could no longer enjoy her and write about her and her adventures. She loved Leia. She gave us Leia. When I write about Han and Leia, it's fiction I'm writing, not about the actors themselves (I'm fond of them too,) though they do share their physical likenesses and voices, which is a good thing. I think it would make Carrie happy to know that Princess Leia is still kicking ass in our imaginations, on screen, in books, and even in our fan fics.
I will be continuing my stories and writing more as well, slow as I am at it. I am 2 pages away from updating The Invitation (when all this horrid shit went down last week), but I am not ready to publish it at this time due to the fact that, as a fan of Carrie Fisher, I am just a little too raw right now. It's too soon, and though I did not know Carrie personally, I did know her, just like the rest of you, and I'm still mourning her. I do promise to publish it probably at the end of January, or when it feels right. And I will then be updating Leia's Very Bad Day after that. Like my daydreams, I find the stories fun, escapist fantasy, and in honor of Carrie's unforgettable, legendary portrayal, I will continue to enjoy that. She's given us Star Wars fans and non-Star Wars fans such pleasure over the years, I know she'd like that and appreciate it, because that's how I'd feel and that's what I'd want.
I will be deleting this 'chapter' in a few weeks, but I just wanted anyone reading my fan fics to know where I stand and that I intend to continue my stories. Yeah, yeah, I know, I don't update often enough.
I love all the stars of Star Wars for the real people they are and I wish them well. My prayers and thoughts are for Carrie and her family.
And my love for Han and Leia lives on, always.
May the Force be with you all.
