Author: Ashley
Title: Red Desires
Rating: M
Part: 4/5
Pairing: Mon-El/Kara Danvers (née Zor-El)
Word Count (Part Four): 3,357
Summary: "His heart was pounding. Harder than he'd ever felt before. Faster than he thought it could. A single text from Kara. 'My apartment. Now. Hurry.' - Kara had accidentally stumbled upon red Kryptonite and Mon-El has no idea. Very minor spoiler for 2x08 and I guess 1x16 as well.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supergirl, DC Comics or anything related to such things. The ideas, dialogue and plot points here were inspired by the show, but they are my own. Plagiarism isn't nice. Please don't steal my ideas.
A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and follows! I'm glad everyone is enjoying the story! Only one more chapter after this one, everybody.
Part Four
Kara sat on her sofa: legs folded towards her chest, back to the television while leaning on the armrest, a pillow hugged close, and a box of tissues at her feet.
She knew that Alex had told her to stop crying; to relax.
She'd turn on the TV to take her mind off things, but if she saw a news story, she knew she'd run out to help. She also knew that Alex would find out and kill her. The real reason she let Kara leave the DEO in the first place was because she trusted that she would relax better at home.
It was the preparing herself to call Mon-El part that brought on the need for the box of tissues and the pillow clutching.
Gah, she ruined everything.
She just knew she did.
She could feel it in her gut. You can't come back from something like that. Sleeping with a friend…in that way…someone who means so much to you...
Not that she'd know. This hadn't happened to her before, but still.
The things she said. She didn't really mean them. She didn't. Mon-El was important to her. So important to her. She had used him. She was cruel. What really broke her was when she walked in here and saw the bouquet of flowers he had brought her, lying in a wilted heap on the floor, most of the petals crushed into the hardwood.
She'd picked them up with a sob, one hand wiping the tears and the other grasping at the stems. She'd searched for a vase and filled it with water but the flowers were too damaged. Looking at them on the table where they'd had sex was just…awful. So she'd thrown them out, which hurt her heart in an entirely different way.
The flowers were odd. Not your standard bouquet. She knew that probably meant that they were more than just your typical flowers. To Mon-El or to herself, she wasn't sure. But she was sure that they weren't just any ordinary old flowers he pointed to in a window before throwing out some money on a counter by a cash register. He had really tried to impress her, and she threw it back in his face.
Dropped it to the floor was more like it.
And she really loved flowers.
She loved that he wanted to bring her flowers.
But on red Kryptonite, she just got off on the hurt in his eyes; off of the control she was able to have over him with just a few words, a few small actions. The poor boy could barely speak. She remembered him trying to explain himself. Gah, she had just basically forced him to have sex with her, on her kitchen table of all places, and then bit his head off when he brought her flowers because he thought that the sex might have meant something?
She sobbed out loud, reaching for a tissue and blowing her nose loudly into it. She tossed it in the garbage bin behind her and let out a pained sigh.
He didn't know how long he had been standing there. The sun was setting when he had arrived. He was sure it had gone down completely by now. He didn't know why he was torturing himself. Alex had asked him to stay away, because Kara had wanted him to stay away.
Yet here he was, standing on her doorstep, as he so often was these past few days. Listening to her cry. He didn't mean to eavesdrop. He had just got there, hand poised to knock and he heard her sobbing. His forehead fell against the door and he just stood there. He didn't want to intrude, but he couldn't tear himself away if she was hurting. He couldn't stand the idea of her being hurt. He couldn't stand it that this was his fault.
Like he said, torturing himself.
He held a single key in his hand. He looked down at it. Shiny silver and brand new, never used.
He stuck it into the lock and turned.
The door flew open and Kara's shocked while still teary eyes looked up at the intruder.
"Mon-El!" she exclaimed, hands frantically wiping at her face as she sat up straighter.
He closed the door quietly behind him.
"How'd you…did you use your key?!"
"Yes," he stated simply.
"Mon-El, I gave you that key for emergencies only."
"This is an emergency."
She rolled her eyes. "There's no emergency here."
"You're crying."
"That does not qualify as an emergency that is key worthy," she stated matter-of-factly as she sighed loudly. "What're you doing here?" she questioned, not meeting his stare.
"I came to see you."
"Obviously. But, look. Here I am. You see me. Now, please," she croaked out against the tears grabbing at her throat.
He shook his head as he walked towards her.
"Mon-El, Alex told you that I didn't want to see you," she said, her voice shaky.
"So? I never listen to Alex anyways. I listen to you. Tell me to leave, Kara," he shrugged his shoulders. She looked up at him. He'd moved fast. He was already standing at her feet. "Tell me to leave and I'll go. And I won't come back until you ask me to. I swear."
"Mon-El…" she started, but it ended in a sob. She closed her eyes and shook her head.
He took that as a small victory; as an 'I can stay'. At least for now.
He sat down next to her on the sofa, a few inches away from her feet. He moved the tissue box, placing it on the coffee table in front of them. He reached out and took the pillow from her arms, instead placing it in his lap, elbows leaning on it as he took one of her hands in his. Her eyes opened and watched the movement of his hands. He was far enough away that she had to lean forward when he took her hand. Her chest rested against her thighs, chin on her bent knees and she sighed.
They sat in silence for a few moments before he heard Kara take a deep breath.
"Mon-El, I can explain."
His eyes rose to meet hers. He didn't say anything. He wouldn't say anything until she asked it of him. He would do whatever she wanted. He didn't want to make her angry again. Or sad again. He couldn't stand her crying; it made his heart hurt. And her yelling scared him.
When he said nothing, she continued.
"It's happened before. The red Kryptonite. I don't know how I missed it this time," she shook her head. "I've been so careful…paying attention to my surroundings. We do checks in our system all the time of the different areas I have to go to before I actually go there. This time," she sighed. "We were running out of time and we didn't check and I just ran and-"
He could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She still couldn't meet his gaze. He squeezed her hand in both of his.
"The Kryptonite…it just…it takes over my mind, my body. I can't control anything. I know what I'm doing. I remember what I do. But I don't stop myself; I never can stop myself. I think these things…these awful, terrible things and I just say them. To anyone. It's like the first thought that comes up, I just-I say it. Even if I don't really mean it." She took a breath and chanced a look up at Mon-El. He was staring sadly at their joined hands, so she continued.
"Everyone I talk to about this…they tell me that it's okay. Then they forgive me for what I've said. But they know…they know that deep down I think these things. That somewhere in my mind they're there. Even if I don't feel the words in my heart, they still exist. And now they're out there in the universe when all I want is to take them back. All of them. All the mean things that I've said to Alex, J'onn, the agents at the DEO, to Winn and James. To you." She squeezed his hand and he looked up at her.
A tear slid down her cheek. "I didn't mean what I said to you, Mon-El." It came out in a cracked whisper but he'd heard her. He was dying to reach his hand out. To brush that tear away. To kiss her and tell her that he forgave her. He'd always forgive her. Every time.
"It was cruel. It was rude. It was crass. I can't believe some of the things I said to you…the things I...the things I did. If I didn't remember it all and someone told me about it, I wouldn't believe them. It's like all the bad parts of me got together and figured out the worst things to say and do." She sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry," she said. His head whipped over to face her, his eyes wide.
"You're sorry?" he questioned.
Her forehead crinkled in the way that he loved; her eyebrows furrowed over those other things he loved about her: those baby blues, sad as they were at this moment, at least they were back.
"Yes, I am. I'm sorry…for the things I said…for what…I did with…to…you."
She heard him let out a heavy breath, his free hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck while his other hand, their joined hands, intertwined their fingers.
"I thought I had done something wrong."
She looked at him puzzled. She sniffled, "Didn't you hear me? The red Kryptonite changes me. Me. It was all me, Mon-El. What? What would you have done wrong?" she questioned, confused as to what gave him this impression.
He cringed, "Everything."
She just stared back at him; waiting for him to continue.
"Breaking into your apartment."
"You didn't break in. I gave you a key."
"Showing up at the med bay this morning when you didn't want me there."
She shook her head, "Mon-El, you didn't know I didn't want you there. Besides, you were just checking to see if I was okay."
"Bringing you flowers as if we were together," he briefly glanced at the spot on the floor where he remembered that she dropped them carelessly. How they had nearly disintegrated on impact.
She felt her eyes welling up again so she closed them. "Mon-El," she whispered as she sniffled, "I love flowers," he looked back at her. Her teary eyes meeting his concerned ones. "I loved those flowers," she continued, "I was just being mean."
"I ask too many questions."
She chuckled softly, "You're still learning, Mon-El. I expect you to ask questions. Earth is…complicated. I really do want to teach you, Mon-El. I want to help. I was being rude about it," she paused to take a deep breath. "You're not draining. I don't know why I said that." She lifted her head and the movement caused more tears to fall.
He couldn't help himself, he let go of her hand and reached both of his up. Cupping her face in his hands, his thumbs slid across her cheeks and wiped at the streaks visible there.
Her watery eyes connected with his, "I don't want you to leave Earth. That was stupid. I don't want you to find another planet. I want you to stay here, with me…with all of us."
His hands dropped from her face, a sad smile on his own.
"Sex."
Her forehead was doing that crinkly thing again. "Hmm?" she questioned wordlessly.
"The sex. Another thing I could have done wrong…"
She blinked at him.
"I mean," he tried to explain, "I haven't…hadn't," he corrected himself, "…had sex on this planet, yet. Well," he chuckled, "there were a couple times where almost," he trailed off. His eyes connected with hers and his face became serious again, "Not important," he shook his head. "I just mean, I hadn't had sex in 35 years. Do you know how much sex could have changed? New planet, new time. Who knows? I was just going with what I knew from before…"
She let out a small chuckle. "You did fine."
"Fine? Really?" he asked exasperated. "Fine?"
She smiled, "You know what I mean…you-you didn't do anything wrong."
There was a silent moment between the two of them before, "You were aggressive."
Her eyes widened. She shook her head, "I'm sorry. It was a little…intense. I was just…you…I think…I think the bad parts inside of me got together and wanted to use you…for my own pleasure. And so I did. I'm sorry," she apologized again.
He nodded. "I didn't mind it all that much." She looked up at him as soon as the sentence left his mouth.
They were both silent again. She remained seated on the sofa. Their hands weren't interlocked anymore, but her bare toes were pressing against his thigh. He wasn't looking at her, but she knew that they both knew that they had to talk about this.
"It was the first time that I had done that."
He nodded, "I think we all do that at some point in our lives. Even on Daxam. Well, the bad parts of us…using sex to our advantage. Using sex to make ourselves feel better about something."
"No," she insisted quietly, "Sex." She searched his face for understanding. "It was the first time I had sex. Well, there were a couple of times in college…I had tried some other stuff with guys but never…" she trailed off.
His eyes met hers. He stared at her blankly for a moment. She just blinked back at him, a tear escaping and running down her cheek when she didn't mean for it to.
"You mean…so you were a…"
"Virgin?"
"Sure, if that's what you call it here."
Both of her hands reached up to cover her face. "I'm so embarrassed."
"Why?" he shrugged his shoulders, his hands trying to tug her arms down, but she pulled away, "Who cares? It's not the end of the world. I mean, it's unfortunate for you as sex is great and you've been missing out on it this whole time…"
"Mon-El-"
"I mean I would know…on Daxam it was one of my favourite activities after all," he wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.
She let out an exasperated sigh.
"I'm joking. I'm joking," he insisted. "Well, partly at least. I think you call it teasing on this planet."
"Mon-El-" It came out as a sob.
He reached over, lifting her bent knees and tugging her legs, her bottom sliding across the sofa as he dropped her knees in his lap, the backs of her thighs resting on the tops of his. She sighed as she returned her legs to a bent position.
"Kara, this is nothing to worry about, believe me," he ran a hand up and down her back as her face fell against her knees.
"Gah, Mon-El, you've just been with so many girls-"
"Hey, whoa," his hand on her back froze, "not that many girls."
"You know what I mean. You're…experienced…and not only did I have no idea what I was doing, but I had no control over what I was doing. I was just…I…attacked." She shook her head. "I was…demanding and controlling even when I couldn't control my own body or the words coming out of my mouth. I wouldn't even let you take me to bed. I just demanded it right there," her arm went up, gesturing towards that damn table, "in the middle of the kitchen. I'm sure people in the building across the street could see us through the windows. I don't even think I pulled the curtains down before texting you!"
He let out a loud laugh. Louder than she would have liked. Her chin fell. Holy crap, she was so embarrassed. Her chin was pressed against her chest when she felt his arm moving, one hand resting on her leg, the other coming off her back and around to grip at her chin, angling her face to look him in the eye.
"Kara, you were doing everything right."
She rolled her eyes at him, breaking eye contact again.
"You don't have to try and make me feel better about this. This will always be embarrassing."
"Kara," his voice was stern, a little husky, "I don't think I've ever come that hard in my life."
Her eyes flew to meet his and she could feel the dark blush rush across her cheeks and down her chest.
"It was hot. You were hot. And sexy. And you were beautiful. You are so beautiful, Kara. A little demanding and on occasion scary and overwhelming," she closed her eyes and looked pained. "But you grabbed me and you put me where you wanted me, when you wanted it and you took charge and I'm pretty sure you're lying about that being your first time because you knew a little too much about what you were doing…"
She opened her mouth in protest, but he closed his eyes and put up a hand to stop her.
"It's okay. I'll believe you. It's fine." He chuckled again, this time much softer. She sighed.
He pulled her face towards his. Their lips met softly. He was almost tentative. She let out a small sob against his lips and he wrapped his arms around her middle tightly, their positions making his back twist in all the wrong ways.
She moved to deepen the kiss when he pulled away. She blinked up at him in confusion.
"Mon-El?" It was barely a whisper.
That's when he reached down, grasping her thighs and swinging her body over so that she was straddling his lap, a leg folded on either side of his hips. His hands on her backside as he pulled her in close.
"Much better," he murmured against her lips. He felt, more than saw, her smile. He missed that smile.
This time she kissed him, her hands sliding up, arms wrapping around his neck. His mouth opened up for her immediately and she wasted no time in slipping her tongue inside to meet his. It was slow, soft, warm. She needed this. She didn't want words. She didn't want him to say that he forgave her. She had said and done awful things and she just needed him to show her that he wasn't leaving. That she didn't scare him off. That she didn't lose him over the things that happened between them.
His hands slid up her body, underneath her shirt to slide along her spine. She arched into him and broke their kiss. She couldn't breathe. His lips warm, his stubble scratchy, he slid his chin down, leaving kisses across her cheek, down her neck to her shoulder. He pushed aside her shirt collar, freeing up the skin there for better contact with his lips.
She sighed, leaning back in his lap, giving him more room for his lips to move across her skin, her fingertips clinging to his shirt so she wouldn't lose balance and fall out of his lap. He scraped his nails lightly down her back as he pulled away from her. She looked down at him, his contented smile and just the fact that he was here with her, like this, it brought her own smile to her lips.
"Can I show you, Kara?" She blinked, so relaxed, almost sleepily. She wasn't really sure of the question but she'd let him show her anything. She nodded. He pulled her closer.
His lips next to her ear, "I want to show you what your first time should have been like," he breathed. "I want to worship your body; kiss you all over, touch you everywhere, then make love to you until you forget your own name." His teeth nipped at her earlobe before he kissed her just below it.
"Will you let me? Will you let me do that for you, Kara?"
She nodded, "Yes," she whimpered against his ear.
A/N: To be continued…
