Chapter 1
Taking a walk down memory lane is a fickle thing. It can bring you joy… but it can also bring a world of pain upon you. Which is why I've decided to take the easy way out in the past – to run and hide. To run and hide from the memories that had the power to hurt me the most, to try my best to escape them. But in case you have ever tried it – it doesn't work. The past has a way of catching up with you and for everyone there comes a day, when you need to stop running. A day, when you need to stop being a coward. A day, when you need to face up to your fears, or they will destroy you. Pain may bring the strongest man to his knees but true strength is to get up again. No matter how long it takes you.
For once, I was actually glad about the pounding headache and the tiredness that came with the first two days after the full moon. It gave me something else to focus on instead of the memories that came with seeing Platform 9 ¾ again.
I had arrived early, wanting to avoid the masses of students and parents at the train station, hoping to get a quiet place on my own on the train, so I could try to fall asleep before the chaos outside started up.
As I walked towards the Hogwarts Express, I bit down hard onto my bottom lip, trying my hardest to concentrate on the dull pounding in my head. Nevertheless, I could hear James and Sirius's laughter ringing in my head as if it were yesterday. Hastily, I shook my head, wincing at the sharp pang of pain that ricocheted through my head.
As soon as I stepped onto the train, there was simply no escaping the memories anymore. In my mind's eye, I could see Sirius and James running down the aisle, laughing loudly as if they had no care in the world whatsoever. I could also see Peter and my younger self trotting after them, exchanging a smile and rolling our eyes at our friends' behaviour. How young we had been. How blessedly young and naïve.
Coming to an abrupt halt, I stared at the compartment in front of me. Our compartment. From the first time we had been on this train, we had always stayed in the same compartment. Sirius had even enchanted our door to read 'Marauders Only – Enter at Your Own Risk'. It had been our little refuge during the train ride. James and I had had to spend some time in the prefects' carriage later on but we still had made it a point to spend most of the ride with Sirius and Peter.
As I slowly pushed open the door, I could feel a painful pang in my chest as I let my eyes roam the small compartment in front of me. So achingly familiar and yet so different. No James who was already going on and on about the newest Quidditch tactics he had come up with or his newest plans to conquer Lily's heart. No Sirius, who lay sprawled over the whole role of seats, listening to James with a mischievous grin and who'd nudge me with his foot every once in a while to make sure I was still paying attention to him and James. And no Peter, who'd sit there, hunched forward and listening raptly to James' every word. Nothing. Silence. The only one who was left was me. Little, broken, old me.
Dropping into the spot by the window, which had always been mine by unspoken agreement, I buried my head in my hands, trying to fight down the emotions clogging my throat. Of course I had known it would hurt to be back here but damn… it felt like I was being ripped apart.
If I closed my eyes for just a moment, I could pretend that I was back in time. That Sirius was right there next to me, laughing his laugh, which sounded so much like a bark. That James was in front of me, gesticulating wildly while he talked on and on. That I could hear Peter's giggle while he was munching on a liquorice wand.
But despite much I wanted it to be true… it wasn't. I would never ever see any of them smile again, nor hear them laugh. James and Peter both were dead… at the hands of the one we had considered our best friend. The one who we'd never have thought capable of betraying any of us. The one who we'd thought would die for anyone of us.
No, it did not do to think of Sirius. The news that he had broken out of Azkaban had taken enough of a toll on me.
Sighing, I ran a shaky hand through my greying hair and tried to push all these feelings back into the neat little box inside of my brain that I had tried to keep it sealed in all these years but this time, they kept coming back, no matter how hard I tried. Finally, I surrendered and simply leaned back against the seat, closing my eyes. Hoping to fall asleep sooner rather than later. Even though I was sure that these painful memories would come to haunt me even while asleep.
"Who'd you reckon he is?" I was already half asleep when I heard the door to the compartment opening and a boy's voice.
"Professor R.J Lupin." Another whisper, a girl this time.
"How do you know that?" The same boy again, sounding positively befuddled, a fact, which I registered even despite the sleepy fuzziness my brain had already settled into.
"It's on his case."
"Wonder what he teaches."
"That's obvious." The girl again. " There's only one vacancy, is there? Defence Against the Dark Arts." Despite my sleepiness, I had to fight a smile. Her slightly exasperated tone reminded me so much of Lily whenever she had been talking to James. Actually, this kind of tone had been one of the nicer ones she had used whenever he was near. Until the start of our seventh year at Hogwarts, that is. The year that he had finally managed to get her to come around.
"Well, I hope he's up to it. He looks like one good hex would finish him off, doesn't he?"
Thanks a lot. You watch out, laddie. Once again, I did my best to prevent my lips from twitching with amusement. Not that I could actually blame him for that comment actually. Even though I tended to avoid it usually, I had actually taken a look in the mirror this morning, noting how dreadful I looked. The full moon had definitely left its mark, resulting in a quite unhealthy pallor and deep black shadows underneath my eyes. I really did look like one good hex would finish me off, as the boy had so eloquently put it.
I had been so focused on that statement that I hadn't caught what they had been saying afterwards. It sounded like another boy was speaking now. I had actually drifted off into the realm of dreams when the mentioning of a familiar name jolted me awake abruptly.
"Sirius Black escaped to come after you?" It was the girl speaking once again, sounding horrorstruck. "Oh, Harry – "
A jolt went through my whole body. Harry? Did I hear correctly? Could it be?
" – don't go looking for trouble, Harry." There it was again. Harry.
Cautiously, I opened my eyes a slit, taking in the red-haired boy and the girl with the bushy brown hair across from me. The boy looked anxious, rubbing his hands in a nervous fashion while the girl was staring intently at the kid sitting next to me, her hands clasped nervously in front of her chest, nervously gnawing her bottom lip.
Careful not to have them catch, I shifted my gaze and … froze.
Good Lord. James. For a moment, I thought I was looking at James sitting next to me, back when we had both been thirteen. But then, I noticed the slight differences. The green eyes, the stubborn lilt at his mouth. Lily. Her eyes, her lips.
A coldness started to seep through my body, my throat and chest constricting. For a moment, I was immobile, frozen to the spot. Then I hastily squeezed my eyes shut again, just in time to feel them start to burn. God, he looked so much like them. If I had been hurting before, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling right now.
Concentrating to keep my breathing slow and steady, I listened to his voice. It was higher than James' had been at that age but the resemblance was uncanny.
Good Lord, that was my best friend's son sitting there right next to me. In a perfect universe, we would not be sitting next to each other like strangers but would have greeted each other with big hugs. In a perfect universe, he would have grown up happily with his mother and father as well as with three loving uncles, who would have doted on him. James and Sirius would have taught him to fly a broomstick and to play Quidditch as soon as he was big enough to actually mount a broom. Lily and I would have read stories to him, Peter would have given him his own favourite teddy bear. He would have been almost like our son as well as James and Lily's. We would have taught him how to speak ( and how to curse probably), we would have laughed him, would have held him in times of trouble. We would have been one big happy family.
But as it was… we were not in a perfect universe. This was reality and in reality there were rarely any happy endings. Harry's parents were dead, torn from him when he was only an infant. His one uncle was dead, killed by the hands of his godfather, who also had the blood of his godson's parents, his best friends, on his hands. And his other uncle… well, he had not been a part of his life since his parents' deaths. To Harry, he was only a stranger. Instead of Uncle Remus, he would now be Professor R. J Lupin, his new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. And that cut deeper than any knife could.
No matter. At least as his professor, I would be able to be a part of his life again, to watch him grow up. To watch him turn into a young man now that I had missed out on his childhood. Hopefully, it had been a happy one. I would certainly do everything to make sure his year at Hogwarts would be a good one. And I would do everything in my power to keep him safe from Sirius if it was true that he was indeed after Harry. He would never lay a hand on Harry, not on my watch. I had not been able to save three of my best friends from being murdered by one we had loved like a brother. But Harry, no, no way would I let anything happen to him. I would ensure that no one hurt this boy. And if I had to give my life in order to keep him safe, I would!
