Everything I Never Knew I Could Ever Have
This fanfiction is based on the events of the movie Love, Simon, not the novel it was based on.
Chapter 4- Not Over
I drove to the darkened fair grounds. I strolled slowly down the old familiar trails, surprised I remembered exactly where to go. When I reached the Ferris Wheel, I felt something old and faint in me stir and eventually splinter. It hurt being here, remembering how much hope I had then. And now not feeling any. Like I was only moving backwards or maybe just staying still. I closed my eyes and held my breath. Like paying tribute at a memorial or more like a grave. I spoke one word in the darkness, Like a prayer.
"Blue." Why couldn't we have found a way? To hold on to our future?
"Jacques," someone answered. I jumped out of my skin, wondering if I was actually going mad.
"Oh, sorry" said the low husky voice of Bram as he emerged from the shadows. He didn't walk closer, he seemed to be balancing on the edge of a precipice. Like with any wrong step he could fall over the edge. Me too.
"Oh, it's you," I say, and I'm embarrassed because my voice sounds messed up. I don't know what to say. I can't play it cool when it's so obvious that I'm not. And I can't be honest either, because it's too strong an emotion, which shouldn't exist 10 years later. It would be like admitting madness.
"Umm," said Bram struggling with words also. We both can't seem to look at each other.
"So, what are you doing here?" I say which sounds defensive and cold. A product of my confused sadness. Bram cringes and I feel myself lose some of the coldness. I don't like hurting him, even now.
"Looking for you," he eventually says.
"Oh," I say because I'm afraid to ask why. Did he get embarrassed from my pronouncement? I study his face finally and realize that he's wearing glasses now and has a beard. And he's still just as beautiful. Maybe more so. I struggle to keep the pain off my face. I don't know myself.
"Did you mean what you said?" Said Bram, moving closer. I force myself to stand still.
"Well, yeah..." I say sounding stupid to my own ears. "But things are moved on now, I don't know why I said it," I mumble. I feel like the most vulnerable I've been in years. Bram just stares at me not speaking and I feel the old electric current between us. Singing out from my heart. Tingling at my fingertips. Finally, Bram drops his gaze.
"Simon..." He says but I find I can't hear what he's going to say.
"Don't worry about it Bram, I'm sorry I said it," I say brusquely, and I actually turn to walk away. But it feels painful to move away from him.
"I'm not," he breathes. I freeze. I blink, wondering if I heard right. I look back and notice Bram's eyes are over bright, and his mouth is twisted in the same way it always did when he was trying to maintain composure. I gulp, suddenly struggling with composure as well. I walk slowly up to him and try to meet his gaze. He meets mine and I feel a swooping sensation I haven't felt in years.
"Bram?" I ask quietly. He reaches up hesitantly and lightly cradles my face. I have no idea what expression is on my face.
"For me, it's not over," he says. I leaned into his touch.
"Me neither," I say. And something in me that was lost, and faint finally clicks into place. I've missed the self I am when we're together. And I've never stopped loving him. And we reach to hug in the same moment. And I can't even. I cannot believe I'm living this moment. I bury my face in his neck and squeeze my eyes shut. If he never wanted to let go, I wouldn't either.
