Everything I Never Knew I Could Ever Have

This fanfiction is based on the events of the movie Love, Simon, not the novel it was based on.

Chapter 5- Forever

3 years later

"This, you can't be late for," Leah calls to me from behind the door. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm always late for everything. I'll probably be late for my own death. That isn't like Bram. He's just so put together. Maybe there is something to be said for the Yin-Yang concept, because I bring messy to the table.

"Don't worry," I call even though I don't why I say it. It's the farthest thing from my reality. Maybe because I just picture how sloppy and unkempt I'll look next to him. Looking sublime in a dark gray suit, crisp shoulders, a tapered waist. Sigh. We decided not to get matching suits. It just wouldn't look right. Abby thinks I look better in light gray anyway. She delightedly went with Leah, Nick, and I to look at suits. Together for the first time in ages.

"I'm coming in," she says bossily and doesn't wait for a verbal confirmation. But honestly, I really don't give a shit. I'm struggling into the suit coat and fumbling with the tie. "Gimme," she says taking it away from my hands and re-starting it. I stand still, and I feel my heart pounding, like it's trying to break out of my chest. "And chill by the way, you're too wound up," she adds as she finishes the tie. Thank goodness we decided against bow ties. I had to sell it though, they just look too old.

"I'm trying but…I'm just..." I have no idea where this sentence ends.

"I know. It's a long time coming," she says. She makes a motion for me to lift up my arms, so she can add a cumber bun. For a gay person, I'm pretty useless when it comes to clothes. "You still concerned about vows?" she asked. So, it's questions like these that really help a person wind down. I sigh and shake my head.

"Yeah, I know what to say but I hate how I get." Leah nods wisely, understanding the problem. The problem is I get too worked up. I can't say what I wrote without getting teary. And maybe that's a good thing, but it could also be a pretty embarrassing thing.

"What did you guys decide?" she asks conversationally, as she attaches an elaborate rose boutonniere to my suit coat.

"He's letting me choose," I said and think back to our conversation. Bram didn't mind either way if we kept the ceremony vows-free or with vows. Sometimes that's the problem with Bram. He's so easygoing. He let's me make decisions because he knows I have to care about everything, even things I wish I wouldn't. I wish I really knew how he felt but he never elaborated on the subject. I tried asking Garrett, but that guy's a safe.

"So, which way are you leaning?" she pushes. I suppose pushing is her job as maid of honor.

"I really don't know Leah," I say slightly aggressively because even though her pushing me may be overall helpful, it was making me feel like my head was in a vice this very moment. "I want to ask Bram, but I can't see him." She rolls her eyes and picks up my phone from my messy bed and hands it to me.

"Five minutes then we have to do shoes,'' she said and steps out for a moment. I open a text window to send a message to Bram but notice I have one from him unread. I open it.

Cold feet? He asks. I smile. There have been many wedding jokes and jibes between us this week. I was concerned that Bram would be worried like me and it would put too much strain on us. It was so far from the truth. Bram was at such an ease with this whole thing it made me look bad for being so worried. I didn't understand it until one night he finally told me that he was just so relieved that it was finally happening that nothing at all could bother him. He worried that we lost our chance when we should have years ago, before going to college. But I had said no then, that I wanted to wait. Even after all this waiting, I was still so keyed up. I wish I could be at ease like him. Four nights ago, I wondered aloud to Bram in our bed why I was this way, why I couldn't be a peace like him. Bram thought it was because I cared so much, I wanted everything to be perfect. That made a certain amount of sense to me. So, when I asked him why he didn't feel the same he laughed a gentle laugh and said, "It already is."

And that was the nature of us. I was the emotional one who made big pronouncements online and waited at the top of amusement park rides for my beloved. I was the one on stage in high school. Now that I was developing sets for professional theatre, I understood that I was always meant to be someone who wore his heart on his sleeve. Maybe I was worried that because everything was already so intense for me, the wedding wouldn't be special for Bram. Just the same old Simon gushing his heart out again. And I wanted to take it to the next level. In a way he could never expect from me. I just didn't know how. I didn't share these thoughts though, and I still hadn't found an answer.

"So what did Bram say?" asked Leah coming back in. Oh shit. I quickly started typing my text. You could say I was walking on coals. What do you think about the vows? Should we do it? I hit send then looked expectantly at Leah. She was holding brand new bright red converse for me to wear. It was my idea and Bram really liked it. At least I thought he liked it. It was hard to tell when he liked my idea or just liked me.

As I was pulling them on, feeling a new sense on stage fright pressing on me, my phone dinged. Ha, me too. I don't know. I could go either way. I sighed in exasperation but also smiled. Because this was my love in true form. Babe! Please, this doesn't help me decide.

"I think you're good to go Simon," said Leah and there was something in the set of her mouth that pulled my mind out of my text conversation. I stood and felt a perceptible change in the atmosphere, a heavy moment. I walked up to Leah and put a hand on her shoulder. She seemed to have over bright eyes. I knew she was trying to stop an emotion because she already had mascara on.

"Hey, Leah, it's ok." I said giving her a hug. It didn't work.

"Oh, Simon stop!" she howled pushing away from me, tears quivering in the corners of her eyes.

"A big day I guess. I'm finally grown up." I said, feeling the truth of it sink into my bones. I remembered how worked up I got at Leah's wedding. It was a split of emotions between loving Leah and feeling overwhelmed that she reached this milestone but also an intensely painful ache for Bram that I never mentioned to her at the time. It was during the time apart. Now I guess it was Leah's turn to feel wistful. But at least today belonged to happiness for both of us this time. She had wanted this to work out for a long time. She knew deep down it was the only thing I ever really wanted.

Even when I tried to date other people and we talked about them, I knew she knew. We just never discussed it, because Bram couldn't be mine again then. We seemed to have parted forever. And I realize now that I do want to say things to Bram. Things that may not be written down right now, but I still knew. Because I've carried the words in me since senior year. I had just forgotten them. And this is how it would be better this time. Because I felt calmer now. The calm he felt. Because it was perfect. I hugged Leah again and even though she tried to squirm away she failed quickly.

"I love you, Leah. Forever," I said kissing her head.

"I love you Simon Spier. Now let's go get that man, once and for all," she said standing on tiptoes and kissing my cheek. We walked arm and arm to the door and I felt my phone buzz. Don't you know Simon? I follow your lead.