A/n: Jack gives a colleague a present, because he's a nice guy. Spawned by some serious silliness on the XCX Tumblr Discord and an off-hand remark by SubspaceWarrior.

All the good things belong to Monolith Soft, but I'm the one putting myself into hysterics.


It was a few evenings later when the Commander once again appeared at the Sakuraba Auxiliary Skell Refueling Station 01. With Christmas only two days away, the missions had dropped considerably and so had her workload. The amount of forms required for business, however, had not decreased. She had answered the knock at the office door gladly. A little distraction was just what she needed before she finished the last of the daily paperwork. Her smile at her unexpected visitor had grown when she noted what the Commander was wearing. A tank top just as green and glittery and generally exaggerated as she remembered.

"Evening, sir. The party was today, I'm guessing."

"It was and is and still will be. But I'm beat. Mind if I drop by?"

"No, no, it's perfect timing, really." She stepped away and let him enter the shipping contain/office. She admired his sweater for a second. "Did you win?"

"Straight up I did. The Outfitters put on a good show, but I'm not the only one who thinks the world does not need weaponized sweaters."

"Well, congratulations." She eyed him with amusement. "I assume you have been properly rewarded, in liquid form."

"I may have been." He grinned down at her. "I gotcha something." He shoved a small paper bag at her.

"A present? But you didn't need to."

"Aw, you're okay, helping me out and stuff. It's not much. A bunch of the kids wanted to check out a new store, and I figured I better go along."

"So this is just a thing you bought because everyone else was doing it."

"It was a riot. Everyone was coming up with choice inscriptions. The guy got them done quick, but they're pretty good quality, I think."

"Gee, thanks." Still, she couldn't stop smiling, and she held the package close. She squished it slightly. It was soft and light, and she didn't hear any sound except the slight crinkling of the bag.

"Go on. Open it. I wanna make sure you like it."

She didn't need more encouragement. She unrolled the top of the bag and shook her present free. Her smile vanished a second later.

xcxcxcxcxcxcxc

"What. Is. This."

"It's your present." It had seemed like a good idea. At least at first. Maybe it hadn't felt so good as he'd tried to explain what he'd wanted to the store clerk. But he'd reassured himself, it was a good idea.

"Just how drunk are you?"

Vandham looked at her in confusion. Lila continued to hold the piece of cloth suspiciously, dangling from her index finger. "Not so much now. Not really. Don't ya like it?" He scrubbed his neck as worry started to grow.

"Is it even my size?"

"It should be. I showed the clerk, uh, how big it needed to be …." He cupped his hands in the air, demonstrating the curve and width needed.

Her stunned look reminded him of the clerk. The gift was now scrunched in her fist. Oh crap. He started to explain he couldn't take it back, because of the personalization and all. "Iron Heart." Right across the seat of the underwear. Pretty demure shorts, if you need to know, he hadn't wanted to insult her by buying anything too uncomfortable. Or scanty. That thought made him pretty uncomfortable. Right, he needed to explain. She was still staring him with growing horror. Oh crap oh crap.

That's when she suddenly broke out into wild laughter. She clutched the underwear to her chest and almost buckled from the amazingness of it. Eyes shut tight for a moment, then open with those silver sparks that rivaled the alien glow of his sweater. She fell back onto the decrepit office couch, still laughing.

"You … had … to … oh, please, shoot me now …" she managed. He sat gingerly next to her. He knew if he said anything, gave her the slightest pat, she'd probably fall off the sofa and curl into a fetal position, still laughing.

Her laughter turned into giggling hiccups, with her covering her mouth in an attempt to stop. Every time she shuddered towards silence, she'd look at her fist, still closed tight over the object, and start snorting and tapping the floor furiously with her toes. Finally, there was nothing but deep breaths and the occasional squeak.

"Right. I hoped you'd like them."

"I'm going to wear them. Every Thursday."


A/n: I wrote this a while ago, but never thought it was worth putting up. Thanks, brain. You just couldn't leave things alone, could you? If you ask nicely, I'll try and find what the other inscriptions were... (bless those weirdo geniuses of the XCX Tumblr Discord).

So.
What would your Cross chose as a motto
For their Official Division Gym Shorts?
The world needs to know.