Donna: So I m organizing the party for Eric s birthday. Can you come?
Midge: When is it?
Donna: Next Friday at six. It s a surprise.
Midge: Oh.
Donna: You can bring someone if you want.
Midge: Well, sure, I can come. But I don t know if I ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Bob. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I m not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is?
Donna: He s your husband my father!
Midge: He s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he s seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I m dying.
Donna: You re not dying, mom.
Midge: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
Donna: Look, don t worry about it. Everything will be fine. They re curing lots of people every day.
Midge: I m sure I ll be alright. Oh! I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. Oh, I m so glad I divorced him.
Donna: Don t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.
Midge: Well at least you have a good man.
Donna: You re wrong! Mom, he s not what you think he is. He didn t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Midge: Eric doesn t drink! What are you talking about?
Donna: He did last night. And I don t love him anymore.
Midge: Eric is your financial security. You can t afford to ignore this.
Donna: Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?
Midge: You don t want to talk to me.
Donna: I just got done talking with a client, and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later?
Midge: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.
Midge exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.
Cut to the room. Jackie and Kelso enter, nervously.
Jackie: How much time do we have?
Kelso: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.
Jackie: Well, let s have some fun.
They sit on the couch and Kelso opens a box of chocolates.
Kelso: Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?
Jackie: (laughing) Feed me.
Kelso puts a chocolate in Jackie s mouth and then makes out with her. He puts a chocolate on her chest and eats it off of her.
Jackie: Yum!
Kelso: It s delicious!
Jackie: Arms up! (she takes off Kelso s shirt) Chocolate is a symbol of love.
Jackie places a chocolate in Kelso s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she s in position to do anything.
Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.
Cut to the room, where Kelso and Jackie are startled by Donna and Midge entering.
Midge: Hello? What are these characters doing here?
Donna: They like to come here to do their homework.
Midge: What homework?
Donna: Mom, this is Jackie s boyfriend Kelso. Kelso, this is my mother.
Kelso: It s a pleasure to meet you.
Midge: Mm.
Jackie: Uh-huh.
Kelso and Jackie exit.
Midge: Unh. Oh, all that shopping wore me out.
Fez enters.
Fez: Hi Donna.
Donna: Hey Fez. Fez, this is my mom. Mom, this is Fez.
Midge: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!
Fez: I just need to borrow some sugar.
Donna: Help yourself, Fez.
Fez: I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of butter.
Midge: Doesn t your home have a kitchen?
Fez: I ll come back later.
Fez exits.
Midge: Tell me, what does Fez do?
Donna: Eric wanted to get his parents to adopt Fez. It s really a tragedy how many kids out there don t have parents. When Fez turned eighteen, Eric wants him to move into the basement and he s paying for it until he graduates from school. Eric really loves Fez even though he doesn t say it much. He s like a brother figure to him. I told you, mom, Eric is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Fez his own set of keys to our place.
Midge: Please, don t hurt Eric. Now if you really don t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.
Kelso enters.
Kelso: I forgot my, uh, book.
He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Midge holding his underwear.
Midge: What s this?
Everyone laughs.
Kelso: That s nothing!
Kelso takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.
Midge: Homework!
Donna: (laughing) Don t worry about it.
Midge: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.
Donna: Look, I don t want to talk about it.
Midge: You know I worry about you. I have to go home.
Donna: Okay, mom.
Midge: Bye bye.
Midge exits.
Donna: (sighing) Oh my god.
