Hey Guys! I'm soooo so so very sorry for the long wait between chapters! I've been writing a lot lately to fill in the time that the writers block this story has given me. I've had plenty ideas, but none of them quite fit in the story yet, so it made it tricky to fill in the gaps. However, I am going to try and be more consistent in posting, especially with summer break coming up. I'll try to get out a new chapter, whether it's just a small bit or not, to give you something. I'll try to publish on Sundays! Thank you for the feedback! I want my readers to feel as a part of the story and connected to the characters as I do, and through feedback I can do that, whether constructive or good! :)


Chapter 5

When Jesse finally went back to work, around the time the quads were seven weeks old, Beca began taking Chloe with her to visit the babies, and when the day came for Lettie and Luna to come home, she was accompanied by all of the Bella's.

Up until that point, no visitors other than the parents were allowed to see the girls. The Bella's were dying to meet them and longed to welcome their new members in a special way. Aubrey's idea was coming along, but they hadn't wanted to spoil it until all the babies were home.

But on the day the twins, Lettie and Luna were released, they had brought the newly renovated Bella bus to bring them home in, almost as an 'initiation', if they would. However, Beca insisted that bringing the girls home in their car would be fine, and that they could follow behind if they had wanted to come visit.

"Woah," Nurse Julie stopped in the doorway with the twins in their plastic bassinet, the room full of chatter and smiling, excited faces, jumping for joy when she finally arrived. "Who are all your friends?" She asked, forgetting that Beca had told her about her college a-cappella group.

"These are my friends from the a-Capella group I was in." Beca formally introduces her to everyone, giving them a cute little wave.

"Well, we're going to do the car seat test now to see if they're ready to leave." Julie informs her, continuing to push Lettie and Luna into the room, and into their seats.

Beca watches anxiously as the Julie and her medical student take the twins and place them gently, yet snugly into the carriers, demonstrating to Beca how to properly place the straps over their bodies. Beca nodded even though her thoughts were suddenly far. She was about to take home the babies she and Jesse had so badly wanted, and wasn't having second thoughts, just anxiety on how the world around her felt like it was slipping beneath her feet.

It was the edge of a cliff and they were finally making the jump. Only it didn't feel like she had the choice, she felt as if she was pushed without instruction, and told that she had to figure out how to open the chute. The chute was motherhood, and even though she was assured it would open, there was still no guarantee that nothing would go wrong. The ground beneath their feet was uncertain, it was like they could land on telephone wire, or in a rocky cannon.

But that was life; Never knowing where you're going to land next, or even being certain that there was going to be safe ground. But at the end of the day, every time you made a difficult choice, you were at least certain that you would land somewhere, that you wouldn't just keep falling. And as for the landing, it could be rough, but everything would work out. At the end of the day the chute would probably open, and she would be floated down, or blown to where she needed to be.

"C'est La Vie." Her husband would say when things got tough and Beca was overwhelmed. It was a phrase that usually annoyed her, but she came to realize that it was always true. They couldn't change life, just how they reacted to the things that came their way. And the quads, this was a prime example.

"Do you got that, Mrs. Swanson?" Her thoughts were disrupted by the nurse's medical student, Morgan.

Suddenly they place Luna into Beca's arms and she feels her heart begin to furiously palpitate, and she wishes more than anything for Jesse to be there. She hadn't been precariously watching as she did when they fed the babies, and she wished her husband was there. This little being, crying in her arms with fierce sobs that shook its entire body was frightening Beca, and it was then she started crying too.

Chloe walked over after dismissing the other Bellas, not even suggesting but demanding they leave because she had this. She walked up from behind Beca, then putting her hands firmly on Beca's shoulders, stared her assertively in the eyes. She wanted Beca to listen and she wanted her to listen up real good, because this was important. She had heard this same speech from her mother, to her younger sister, shortly after her nephew was born.

"Beca, this is your baby; She wants to be comforted by her mommy. There's nothing to be afraid of, all babies cry. And I know this is scary, but these little beings are dependant on you. I need you to be brave."

"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrified of messing up as a mother." Beca protests.

"New things are often scary. But it's a learning experience, and nothing you do to mess is gonna mean you're a bad parent. It's trial and error, and as humans, we're entitled to make these mistakes to help us shape ourselves. Just because you feel like you messed up doesn't mean the girls are necessarily going to be bad people."

"Chloe, I'm positive I'm not ready for that. Not for the responsibility of raising these girls because it feels like the pressure is on me. Like if they are naughty, it's on me." She's now blubbering, all her bottled up emotions pouring out at once, and all over Chloe's shoulders.

"You can never be ready for this, and it's up to you to do the best you can for them as a mom. But you can fight and tread on the things you did, but at the end of the day, it'll be ultimately up to them eventually for their actions or how they live in society." Chloe reassures her.

They're interrupted by Nurse Julie's gentle voice, reminding them that she is always here for when they have questions, and that they were ready to wheel Beca and the babies down to the car.

"You can do this champ." Beca remembers her husband's voice whisper in her ear this morning before he left for work. "I believe in you, and I love you. You're my little million dollar, tough as nails, baby." His voice had left a sleepy smile on her unpainted face.

Chloe gravitated towards Lettie's carrier, picking her up and sliding the seat up her arm, whilst balancing Luna's empty carrier in the other hand. It was like carrying a semi-less fashionable purse, she thought, but she felt cool and tough doing it. The assistant then took Luna from Beca and reiterated the importance of where the seatbelt should go, while showing Beca how to do it again.

Chloe drove while Beca sat between the girls, feeling a certain at peace sensation while at the same time replaying any and every terrifying scenario that went through her head. She worried that Lettie would pull out her feeding tubes, or that either one of them would stop breathing. It was an exciting, yet tense twenty-seven minute car trip from the hospital back home.

"Beca, I'll help take the girls in, then get you comfortable." She offers, leaving Beca to slowly make her way out of the car while Chloe scrambles with the baby seats.

She still waddled, after all the weight wasn't going to melt off and the scars were certainly not going to heal themselves without some degree of pain. Birth was both magically and horrifying for all the right reasons.

Though Beca was satisfied with the outcome, her four beautiful and mostly healthy girls, she couldn't say she'd ever want to do it again, not even just one baby. But somehow even though she didn't understand it, she would, in a heartbeat, do it all over for her girls, even if it meant a full nine months of stretching, pain in a multitude of uncomfortable places, difficult breathing, and sickness.

Beca stopped in the mudroom at the flat between the two staircases, hesitant towards walking upstairs into the main living space and open concept kitchen. She knew by heart it was only eight steps, but nonetheless it felt worse now climbing the steps than it did when she was extremely pregnant. It was these little things nobody told you about, the after effects of the pregnancy because they told her that she'd be too busy fussing over the babies to care. That, she thought, was not so.

'I just want this pregnancy to be over soon!' She laughs at herself as she vividly remembers groaning, only to be warned by everyone that she should enjoy it now before life got too crazy.

Chloe had disappeared into the guest room with Lettie and Luna as Beca curled up on the sofa, pulling the afghan blanket over her body despite feeling like one-hundred degrees too warm. She shut her eye for a split second before she was startled awake, not by the distant crying in the other room, or frantic Chloe, but the two, wet circles that formed around her breasts.

'Great, it has started.' She grumbled, and she remembered that she had read that the sound of a baby crying, even if it wasn't hers, could trigger her milk flow.

Beca began to cry, a flood of postpartum emotions washing over her in exhaustion. If two babies was this stressful, how could she possibly handle four? It had literally been a few hours, and Luna already had tried eating four times, no success, and now she heard Chloe squeal from the other room. Beca swore that if Chloe tried to microwave another bottle, she would blow her top.

"Chlo?" Beca begins to sit up.

"Don't worry Beca; I've got it under control." She hears Chloe nervously reply from the room over.

Beca knew that was a darn lie. Chloe never had things "under control" per say, actually, things often became worse because Chloe didn't know how to handle situations under pressure. So Beca rocked forward, her stomach fighting back in pain from the sutures after C-section, and she struggled to stand. But eventually she stood, waddling slowly but surely towards the bedroom.

"What the heck, Chloe?!" Beca gasped, on the verge of tears, though Chloe had beat her to it.

Chloe held Lettie on her stomach, bouncing her back and forth as if she was superman or something, but her grip wasn't firm, but very loose as she was trying to avoid touching Lettie's bottom to anything.

"Set her down, carefully." Beca warns, instructing the ginger to do as she told.

Chloe lifts the baby, holding her now by the armpits, holding her in the air and walking across the room to the changing table.

"Easy Chlo, I don't want her runs getting on anything other than her onesie. We rent this place."

"Really Beca? I have a patch of baby poop running down my arms and of all things you're worried about, it's the carpet?" She snaps back with sarcasm, disbelief that Beca's mind was elsewhere while her day was literally being crapped on.

Beca apologized, helping Chloe lower the baby on the table as she began to become smothered with the green substance too, gagging as she tried not to itch her face or scratch her nose with either hand. She wondered why it was only when her hands were both unavailable that parts of her body decided they needed to be itched.

"You're going to hold her up by her pits, and I'll slide the onesie down." Beca instructs, watching Chloe nod and she took deep breaths.

Taking a deep breath, Beca unbuttons the top and bottom of the onesie, pulling down the shoulders and basically shimming the soaked clothing off her baby and into the hamper. She gagged once, not because it smelled, but because the sight of it dripping all over was overwhelming and triggering her OCD.

"Aaack!" Beca gags, turning her head to the side in order not to puke on the baby or carpet, but rather into the diaper genie.

"Beca, can you hand me the wipes? And do we still have those dishwashing gloves in the kitchen?" She asks and Beca frowns.

"Don't you think we're being a bit, extreme? It doesn't smell, it's not solid, and it's only breastmilk. We're lucky, and if anything, it kinda reminds me of butterscotch." Beca smiles pleasantly, putting up a facade so that Chloe wouldn't freak, but rather try to see the brightside.

"Who knew a baby this tiny could cause a poop-ruption so big." Chloe jokes and Beca laughs in agreeance, the two feeling like this is the most they have bonded in the years since college.

Baby's or more rather, the babies, cause a strain on relationships. Not just Beca and Jesse's, who as husband and wife had to learn to get to know each other all over again and adjust their married lives with children now. It was hard emotionally, financially, in every way they could imagine. They weren't prepared for how busy their lives would be and realized how important help was, especially from each other and friends and family. They truly needed to depend on each other and not be so stubborn where they felt embarrassed or too ashamed to ask for help. Asking for help was not a sign of weakness, but rather of maturity, growth, and a sign that you looked to better yourself through listening to others opinions.

Beca and Chloe had grown apart for a while, but she felt comfortable for a long time with where they were until she realized she wasn't. She hated to picture a future without the ginger in it. She need Chloe as much as Chloe need her, and the babies were beginning to create new bonding experiences. She didn't realize how much she needed her friend until the babies were born, and now more so in that moment. It was then she began to break down. Chloe looked to her and set down the naked baby which was now clean, and pulled Beca into a tight squeeze.

"Beca, I know it's new and stressful, but we'll get through it. We're not just a team, but family. I love you." She whispers, brushing Beca's hair back cautiously, careful not to touch her face with her dirty hands.

"I'm really thankful for not only my children, but the fact that God used them to bring us back together. I've really missed you Chlo."

"I'm not going anywhere. I've always been here, we've just been kinda distant lately, but isn't there some dumb saying that says 'distance make the heart grow, wanda.' or something?" She remarks.

"Fonder, not Wanda, Chlo." Beca laughs, hugging her once more before turning back to her baby, finishing the project they had started.

"Uh Beca, look at this." Chloe instructs, concern in her voice. "Lettie and Luna both look a little yellow. I thought it might be the lighting, but it's really obvious now."

"They haven't exactly been getting a lot of sun in the hospital Chloe; They're probably a little jaundice." Beca brushes off, tossing the dirty onesie into the hamper.

Chloe looks closer, looking into the eyes of a crying Lettie, the ring around her eyes red from crying while her actual eyes were of yellowish color, and some of her skin had yellowish bruising on it too.

"Are you sure Beca? Can we at least just take them in to be safe?"

"We can call their pediatrician and see if we can get in as soon as possible." She replies calmly, trying to ease her own fears.

-XXX-

"Hey Babies," Dr. Sofia Robbins greets Lettie and Luna in a baby voice, watching as Beca sets the carriers down and bites her lip to keep from crying.

She felt like a horrible mother for ignoring something as simple as early onset jaundice. She had read that some babies get in early on and it's reversible with care. It's not always a sign of other conditions and by the way Dr. Robbins greeted them, she hadn't seemed too concerned by their appearances either.

"We're concerned because the yellowing has seemed to worsen in the days since we scheduled this appointment." Beca begins without instruction, Robbins marking down and taking in every word with concern, but also she brought a certain brightness and happiness to the situation.

Beca began to wonder if it was her bubbly personality, the roller shoes, or the little pin on her jacket of a monkey. Maybe it was all three, but Beca herself secretly began to wish Dr. Robbins could be her doctor too. But it wasn't until they mentioned bringing the babies to a CT that they were anxious.

"It's okay, with multiples and preemies, we see this more often than singletons. We're just gonna run a few tests and we'll figure out how to help your babies." She reassures them, careful not to promise them false hope.

Sofia began to undress the babies to look for more skin pigments and imperfections that were normal like moles and birthmarks, but paused when she got to the stomach. Her face dropped and could no longer hold the happy facade, and immediately she reached for her pager.

"How long has this bruise colored patch been over their livers? Because they both have it around the same spot."

"My other doctor assured me it was a coincidental birthmark." Beca informed her, her face drawn out fear.

"Well I have a reason to believe that it could actually be acute, early onset, liver failure. In both twins." She puts her stethoscope around her neck and gloves in the trash before beginning to dress them again.

"What?" Beca's voice shook with fear, looking to Chloe for comfort and found her friend's hand in hers.

"The front desk will schedule a follow up with a specialist. But we'd like to keep the girls overnight for observation." Dr. Robbins informs them to Beca's dismay.

Beca's heart ached with fear and disappointment. Even in this moment with Chloe by her side and her husband's surefire support, she couldn't help but shake this feeling she had. She didn't know how to explain in and felt somewhat selfish for wanting to take them and run.

Especially if it was a serious as the doctor made it sound despite her comforting words, Beca hurt inside knowing that she had barely taken two of her four babies home only for them to return back to the hospital. She felt empty, lonely, scared, angry, a million thoughts and feelings running through her engorged veins. She wanted to scream, or walk away and shut everything out like nothing was happening.

But this wasn't college anymore; She couldn't just write a song or create a mix or whatever while shutting everyone out. Because in her adult life she knew that even though song released her emotion somewhat, she needed to lean on others, as she had learned through her days as a Bella.