I'm bout ready to scream y'all. I had some beautiful words flowing and then my computer spazzed and it's gone. -_- So I hope this is passable.
ANYWAY. To my reviewers. I appreciate you, you're all beautiful, etc. etc., I'm sorry for failing you with my lack of updates, but I will try to do better! I wasn't going to take any summer classes, but then I did (ugh) but next week is finals (yes, I should be studying, but that's besides the point), and then I'm free! Hopefully I finish this up before summer ends cuz nursing clinicals is gone be cray.
Onward to our happy ending! (Y'all know I love happy endings.)
Jobal and Sola sat patiently on each side of Padmé, each holding one hand as they waited for the tears to subside. As the sobs slowed, Padmé closed her eyes and took a deep breath to brace herself. "I'm sorry," she apologized under her breath.
"For what?" Jobal scoffed. "Being vulnerable? Don't you dare apologize for being vulnerable with the ones you love you best."
Vulnerable. Padmé couldn't remember the last time she had felt comfortable being vulnerable with anyone close to her, though she couldn't find the words to say so.
"Padmé," Sola said softly, "please tell us what's going on."
Padmé wished she could tap into the strength of these loving and resilient women, women who had raised her to be as mighty as they. She felt she was failing them miserably. "I can't," she admitted. "I wish I could, I do. I just... I don't know how to explain. It's been building since Amila was born. I don't love her like I should. I am a failure. I am a failure as a wife, as a mother, as a Senator..."
"That's not true," Sola interjected. "You are amazing, Padmé, and we are so proud of you every day. You should see Dad's smile every time he sees your face on the HoloNet. His smile could light the whole galaxy brighter than any star might."
Her sister's words nearly brought on another flood of tears. "If only he knew the truth... he would be so disappointed."
Jobal looked down and rubbed gentle circles into the back of Padmé's hand. "I fear I know exactly what is wrong, my dear."
Padmé sniffled with an involuntary hiccup. "What do you mean?"
Sola hung her head as well and squeezed Padmé's hand tighter. "I think I know what Mom means."
Padmé stared at her mother questioningly until her mother finally met her eyes. "There's a certain... affliction that befalls some women after the birth of a child. I experienced such after you were born."
"What?" Padmé said dumbly.
"It happened to me, too. After Pooja was born," Sola added. "Nothing I did felt good enough. Some days, I couldn't get out of bed."
Padmé's head swiveled back and forth between her mother and sister. "How did I not know this?"
Jobal bit her lip then sighed. "It's not something people speak about," she explained quietly.
"It's a mental condition," Sola clarified. "Some might... well, some might think you're unstable. You know how they treat people on our planet when they are not sound of mind."
"But there's nothing wrong with me," Padmé denied vehemently. "I've never suffered any sort of mental... anything. At all. Ever."
"You've withdrawn, Padmé," Sola pointed out. "We hardly hear from you. You hide from us. And judging from those rumors on the HoloNet, you're hiding from Anakin too."
At the mere mention of his name, a heavy weight settled in Padmé's chest. A fresh wave of tears spilled down her cheeks. "You don't understand." She pulled her hands away and buried her face in them. "You don't know..."
Jobal rested a hand on Padmé's knee. "I did the same with your father. He thought I hated him, but I was afraid of him. I thought he was disappointed in me. I thought he didn't want me anymore," she told her daughter. "I didn't want to hear him telling me what I knew to be the truth: that I was an utter failure at every single thing I tried to do."
Something between a gasp and a cry escaped Padmé's lips, but her mother and sister wouldn't let up.
"Same for me," Sola agreed. "I thought Darred would leave me. And when I wasn't thinking that, I was hating him and wishing he would. I broke more than a few plates in those days. Thankfully, I never actually hurt him."
"He cheated on me," Padmé burst out, balling her hands into fists and slamming them down on her lap. "He betrayed me." She found she was satisfied with the expressions of shock on their faces at her revelation. "So anything I thought about him, I was right. I am not enough for him. I never was."
"Darling..." Jobal ran a cool hand down Padmé's hot, wet cheek. "There must be more to it than that."
Padmé's face crumpled as she turned to her mother. "So you agree with him then? You think it's my fault."
"I didn't say that," Jobal disagreed, her voice even and controlled. "I'm saying there has to be more to the story. I saw the way that man loved on you. I saw the way he fawned on you, fell all over you, even before you saw it yourself." Padmé looked down at her lap, for being reminded of the way things once were hurt her heart. "You brought him home, and you blushed when we teased you, but you wanted him as much as he wanted you. I saw how he cared for you after the birth of your children. You hardly had to lift a finger. He was the most attentive father I have ever seen. He loves you, my dear. He truly loves you."
Sola nodded at her mother's words. "The entire galaxy saw it. That's why they embraced you so. It wasn't just because you represented the change everyone so desperately wanted to see. It's because you were so in love - even after being together for some years."
"So what are you saying?" Padmé demanded, hardly able to bear being pummeled with reminders of Anakin's love for her.
"I'm saying," her mother said gently but pointedly, "that perhaps in your condition, you were pushing him away without intending to do so."
"Maybe throwing some plates at him?" Sola suggested with a humorless half-smile.
Padmé burst into sobs as the entire weight of her actions in this catastrophe fell on her shoulders. She had been denying what had been staring her dead in the face all along: she was equally as responsible as Anakin. No more, no less, but just as much to blame. She had been punishing him since then because she didn't want him to see that she wasn't worth this headache, this heartache, this fight, this struggle. She didn't want him to leave. It was such an odd and difficult position in which to be, to need someone near but want them as far away as possible.
"I wouldn't... I couldn't... let him love me," she sobbed, falling onto her mother's shoulder. "I couldn't let him see me like this."
"Oh, my darling," her mother said, wrapping her arms around her daughter tightly. "That's what marriage is. It's being there through the good and the bad, supporting one another through weakness, and choosing to love one another despite the hardships."
Padmé nodded, unable to get any more words out. Sola smoothed Padmé's hair with a loving tenderness Padmé didn't know she had been needing. "This isn't your fault, Padmé," she soothed. "You didn't know. But now you can get better. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people."
"Please... please just stay with me," Padmé begged, sounding pathetic to her own ears but hardly caring anymore.
"Of course, my dear," Jobal said, kissing her daughter's forehead. "Of course."
Anakin was surprised to see his wife's family members in their home when he returned from his outing with the children, but he hid his bewilderment quite admirably. Padmé realized he probably thought she had called for reinforcements. Little did he know they were there to help him.
After a comfortably peaceful family dinner spent catching up on everything but for the obvious real issue plaguing the family, Anakin and Padmé retired to their room while grandmother and aunt enjoyed time with the children.
When the door slid shut behind Padmé, Anakin turned to face her with an expression of chagrin. "Padmé, I'm sorry-"
She held up a finger to silence him. "Please. Don't be. They're not here to beat you down," she promised him. His shoulders relaxed noticeably at her assurance.
"Then why-?"
"They're here for me," she explained, crossing the room to enter the closet. He followed her and stood learning against the door frame.
"What do you mean?"
She sighed, removing her dress to hang it up. "They recognized that... that I need help, I suppose. That there's something... wrong... with me." She completed her task and turned to face her husband, who stood unmoving with a strange expression on his face. With a start, she realized that she had not been in such a state of undress with him in... a very long time. Quickly, she grabbed a robe and pulled it over her shoulders, wrapping it around her tightly as if it might provide some security. It made little difference. For all the longing in his eyes, he did not attempt to advance but maintained a respectful distance. When he looked into her eyes, she could only imagine what she saw. She struggled in vain to hide her discomposure but knew he could easily sense her emotions through the Force. Abruptly, he turned on his heel and disappeared from the doorway. She let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding and hurried after him.
He was standing in the middle of the room, facing away from her, his arms crossed in front of him.
"Anakin," she breathed.
He wouldn't budge so she slowly made her way around him, giving him a wide berth, until she stood in front of him. Still, he avoided her gaze.
"I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely.
"Don't do that," he snapped rather harshly. "You don't have anything to apologize for."
"But I do," she insisted. "I realized that today... My mother and sister... they helped me realize that." A pregnant pause ensued. "They helped me realize a lot. I've been... different... since Amila was born." Anakin swallowed hard, and Padmé knew she had hit a soft spot. "I didn't mean to, I just..." She cleared her throat, finding her mouth suddenly quite dry. "It's not my fault, and it's not yours, but... there's this huge rift between us..."
He stared down at the floor, still refusing to meet her eyes. "I just... I just want to touch you, but... but I can't."
Her heart pounded in her chest, and every bone in her body wanted to flee, but she stepped closer to him, anyway. "You can," she gave him permission.
"Padmé..." He didn't step away but leaned back, casting his eyes up, to the side, anywhere but in her direction.
"I want you to." She took his ungloved flesh hand in hers and lay it on her waist. "Please."
His eyes finally met hers, and she saw such an intense fire in them that strangely sent chills down her spine. She still wanted to run. She wanted to run so badly, but she stayed rooted to the spot, fighting her overpowering inclinations. His hand moved up to touch her face, and she froze. She was absolutely terrified. She wanted to lash out and hurt him and push him away; she didn't want to feel this weakness, this vulnerability. She didn't want to get hurt again.
"I won't," he swore, confusing her for a moment before she remembered he could see her every thought and feeling through the Force. She was and had always been naked and exposed before him. "I won't ever hurt you again. I swear to you."
She wanted so badly to believe him, but the fear burned in her chest with such an unbearable intensity, and yet... she didn't flee from him.
"May I?" he whispered.
She didn't need Force powers to know what he meant. She nodded her head mutely, and as if in slow motion, his head dipped to meet hers, and then his lips were on hers, and every single thought in her mind vanished immediately. With his other arm, he pulled her close, hugging her to him tightly as if he feared she might slip from his grasp again. Suddenly, she realized she didn't want to. She didn't want to go anywhere. With his mouth on hers, with his unmistakable and all too familiar taste, she suddenly realized that she was home.
Forgive me yet? Well, I hope so ;) But I ain't done, so stick around!
