After I made my promise to Midoriya on the rooftop, he stuck to me like glue. I was annoyed and tried to shoo him away once or twice before finally relenting. It seemed like Monoma had actually shaken him a bit. "So, what did that creepy guy say to you?" I asked as we walked back to my house. "Before I showed up, I mean."
Midoriya walked behind me, trying to copy my step pattern. "Nothing really… I don't know how to explain it. He has a way of making you feel really unnerved without using threats or anything. He was just making polite conversation but still… the way he speaks and his word choice just change the mood completely."
I glanced back. "Hey, what are doing back there? Come walk up here like a normal person, would you? You're annoying me." I snarled.
"I'm not doing anything." He defended as he jogged up to my side.
"When you play around like that, you're just making yourself an easier target. It makes you look simple-minded." I pointed out.
"Isn't having a simple mind a good thing? That's what the Buddhist doctrine says." He challenged innocently.
"That's not what I mean. I mean you look like you could be fooled easily, y'know? Like you don't have the good senses to defend yourself."
"That's why I have a personal hero." He replied with a smile.
"What!? Do I look like some sort of a butler, Fancy Boy!?" I growled.
"I'm not that fancy." He replied.
"You come to school in a tank and eat blackened salmon for lunch."
"It's not a tank, it's an SUV." He pointed out.
"OH MY GOD! Just shut up already! You don't need to correct everything I say!"
"But Kaachan-"
"No! No more words until we get home." I demanded. He didn't answer. I smugly looked to him, foolishly thinking that he had submissively rolled over to my command but that wasn't quite it. He was blushing. "What the hell is that face for!?"
"You said 'home' instead of 'my home'…" He explained. "Which means… you consider me part of it."
Now it was my face's turn to get red. "Who even says something like that!? I just think of it as 'home' so that's what I called it. Don't go getting any big ideas! God, you're weird." The rest of the trip was silent on account of the fact that we were both embarrassed.
At home, Izuku laid his sheet out on the bed and relaxed. I stood at the bedside and looked down at him. He was sprawled out on his back, eyes closed and necktie loosened. "Are you really that comfortable?" I asked quietly, genuinely curious. "What about the germs?"
He took a deep, relaxed breath. "I dunno…I think having my own personal hero takes some of the stress off me."
"Hey, stop calling me that." I scolded.
"But isn't that what you are?"
I sat on the foot of the bed to untie my shoes. The changing weight on the bed surprised him and he sat up, propping himself up on his arms. I didn't seem to bother him that I was on his sheet. "I'm a regular hero, you just happen to be the person at risk right now." I said before slipping my shoes off. I looked back at the smiling boy.
"Well, I guess I can't have all your time, right?" He replied with his usual happy expression. My heart started beating faster so I snapped the rubber band a few times as I stood up from the bed and repositioned myself on the ground. "Hey Kaachan," The boy spoke up. "You've been doing that thing with the rubber band all day. What's it about?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing." I replied, pulling his backpack toward me and looking through it for a new comic. I pulled out the only book I found, Frankenstein, and held it up with an obvious scowl. "What's this?" I asked with an annoyed tone.
"A book." He replied with a teasing grin as he rolled onto his stomach.
"How dumb do I look to you?" I growled. "Of course it's a book!"
"You know, comic books aren't the only good books out there."
I opened the book and looked through it. "It's in English! How the fuck am I even supposed to read it?"
A little hand slipped down from the bed and snatched the book. "I'll read it to you, okay? We'll figure it out together."
I watched him with a scowl. "What if I don't want to?" I asked.
"And what if I do?" He retorted, catching me a little off guard. We usually always did what I wanted, I didn't think it bothered him. "Y'know…" He continued. "You're not the only one who can protect me from Monoma-kun. I intent to defend my position in class with my own smarts. If I kept my spot not because I'm smarter but because you physically withheld him, then that's not fair at all, right? I'll show him that I deserve my rank. I'll study twice as much as he does."
It was rare that Izuku so honestly stood up for himself. When we hung out, I was almost always the one in charge and he followed me. Still, on occasion, he would surprise me and take the reins. When that happened, I got to glimpse the brave and determined side of Midoriya. That familiar and uncomfortable feeling returned. My heart warmed up and my eyes wanted to look at him for a long time. I tore my gaze away and snapped the rubber band over and over.
"Read." I demanded.
It took us twenty minutes just to get through the first page. We were constantly stopping to debate grammar and look up unfamiliar words. By the third page, our brains were completely exhausted. He finally put down the book. "Feel smarter?" I asked sarcastically.
"Thanks, Kaachan." He replied in a sweet voice.
"Psh, don't thank me. An idiot like you really should be studying like this more. How did you even get to third place?" I asked.
He wasn't paying attention, he was busy texting. "Ah, Kaachan, sorry but I'm going to leave early today, okay?"
"Fuck if I care." I grumbled. 'Why?' I wondered, my thoughts completely betraying my cool demeanor. 'What's wrong? Did something happen at home? Should I walk him home just to be sure? Was it me? Maybe it really did bother him that I sat on his sheet.'
"Don't worry, I'm just going to go study with my friend Todoroki. He's second place in the junior class." He explained, sensing my curiosity.
"Did I say I was worried?" I replied coldly.
Izuku stood up and put everything back in his backpack. "Even the great Katsuki worries about other people sometimes. You called me simple-minded earlier so are you taking that back?"
"Of course not." I answered. "You're the kind of idiot who takes candy from strangers and gets in cars with randos. I'm going to walk you there."
Izuku smiled. "I don't want to bother you." He said.
"Too late." I replied, slipping my shoes back on.
He was meeting this Todoroki guy at a nearby café, it only took 15 minutes to walk there. "There's my friend." Izuku chimed happily, pointing to a boy about my height who wore red and white hair on top of heterochomias eyes. He was cool. He had handsome features and a pensive attitude. I felt that protective spirit welling in my chest and a twinge of frustration arose. My mind ran rampant with thoughts. 'Does Izuku really have friends like this? He's really cool. He must be really smart too. Is he nice to Izuku? I bet he doesn't yell at him like I do. How close are they?'
The greenette thanked me and told me to get home safely before jogging off to the candy-cane-haired junior. I watched curiously as the junior handed him an iced coffee. Izuku accepted it happily. 'Fuck'n prick.' I thought, snarling as I turned and left. I didn't understand where my frustration came from or why I even cared this much.
I saw Izuku the next morning before class. I wanted to ask about his tutoring session with Candy Cane but I restrained my curiosity. "Sup?" I asked, initiating a conversation with him for once.
He yawned and scratched his neck. "Tired. My brain got a good workout yesterday."
"I bet that's a new feeling." I teased.
"Hardy har, Mr. 44 out of 70." He responded dryly.
"What?" I asked.
"There's 70 students in the sophomore class and you're in forty-fourth place. You didn't know that?"
"What? No. How did you know that?"
He yawned again. "I've been watching your rank since I started tutoring you. You're rising steadily but still…"
"'But still' what!?" I growled, offended by his forwardness.
"Nothing, Kaachan, don't get upset. We're both trying our hardest so let's support each other, okay?" He said, making me think that maybe I was being too persistent with my teasing. 'Why do I care? That's how I talk to everyone." I thought. When I considered it, though, I realized that that wasn't really true. 'I don't say that kind of stuff to Kaminari and Kirishima though… I usually try to be a little politer. I guess… I do target Midoriya a little… shit… I didn't think he really noticed. What the hell? Why do I say that stuff to him but no one else?' I sat down in my seat, lost in thought.
Midoriya sat down beside me and laid his head down in his arms, resting. I snapped back into reality when Monoma entered the room. I was on edge, glaring at him so he could feel my hostility. He just smiled as he walked past me. Midoriya didn't notice or if he did, he managed to stay completely relaxed. I thought that was kind of weird. The green-eyed boy was usually hyper aware which I assumed was an aspect of his germ thing. It was just like yesterday when he sprawled out on my bed, more calm than I'd ever seen him. I thought back to what he had said. 'I wonder if he was really sincere back then… does it really help him calm down to have me around? How weird… but why? I asked him to trust me so I guess I can't be surprised if he does that.' Seeing that he had taken my request to heart, I felt the weight of his trust bearing down on me. I'd never had anyone actually depend on me like this. He was letting his guard down because of what I'd said. On one hand, it made me glad to see him less anxious but on the other hand, I feared my inadequacy.
'Can I really keep him safe?' I wondered. 'What if I promised more than I can give? If I fail and he gets hurt, it'll all be my fault. Why did I promise that? Why does my heart sincerely want to protect him? Is it just because of his innocence and kindness? Are there other reasons?' Thankfully, the lecture started and I was able to escape my thoughts. Recently, I had been thinking too much. It was exhausting. The only time I had a clear head anymore was when Izuku and I were together and alone. I could see him just feet away so I didn't have to worry that I wasn't keeping him safe like I had promised. Those times were the only times when I could just turn my brain off and finally get some peace.
I let Izuku come up to the roof with me for lunch to avoid any harassment but when it was time to walk home, he had different plans. "Sorry, but can I call a rain check again today? I'm meeting Todoroki for tutoring."
I was surprised by his request and a little frustrated too. "I don't care." I lied.
"Thanks, Kaachan. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah."
We parted ways. I didn't at all understand how I felt. I always assumed that us hanging out was a mutually desired activity. I got tutoring and he got social interaction but… was I wrong? He didn't really tutor me anymore and he was getting his social interaction from someone else now so… why were we hanging out then? We didn't need that time together anymore. It should feel like breaking a contract and nothing else but somehow… I still had skin in the game. Some part of me still wanted that time together. I started snapping the rubber band vigorously to deal with this tidal wave of emotions that I didn't understand.
'And why the hell did he accept that coffee?' I wondered, my cheeks hot with frustration. 'I thought he had a thing about germs but now that I think about it… that only applies when we're together. He eats a school lunch and drinks coffee from the café but when we're at my house, he doesn't eat anything that he doesn't bring for himself. What the hell is up with that!? He acts all relaxed around me but he can't even eat my food? Does he think I'm dirty?
He pisses me off so much. Fuck him. Why did he ask me if he was my best friend when the feeling obviously wasn't mutual? Was he trying to embarrass me? Did he get a power trip out of it? Katsuki, the kid who doesn't give anyone his whole heart, was tricked into getting a best friend? Fuck him… fuck him!'
My wrist stung as if I had been strung by a scorpion. I looked down and realized that the snapping had created red blotches beneath the surface of my skin. It seemed like I had lost control and ruptured some blood vessels. 'Why… Why does Midoriya get me all messed up like this? He's the most destructive parasite to ever exist…' I thought.
"Deku…" I mumbled aloud. "That should be your name. Some parasites are good, like birds on hippos. They help the host. Other parasites are useless, like you. You take root then all you do is drain your host and mess everything up."
I noticed a chubby, green, caterpillar mindlessly crossing the sidewalk in front of me. It naively marched on toward the busy road. "You're just like him too." I accused. "So innocent and brave but optimistic to a fault… I hate you." I poised my foot above the caterpillar, ready to crush it. It would be a mercy killing. This poor caterpillar wasn't prepared for the harshness of this world. He evolved when the world was green and humans hadn't yet made everything so inhospitable. He was doomed to march into busy streets over and over and over again… there was no helping the fact that his innocence made him completely inept for this world. I hesitated and ultimately, I couldn't follow through.
I was so confused and frustrated that I wanted to cry. I held it in as I gently picked up the idiotic bug and moved him into the bushes. 'Deku… what did you do to me and how?' I wondered. 'Nothing is how it used to be. I'm not even myself anymore… so why? Why did you do this to me?'
At home, I laid in bed and tried to meditate my thoughts away. I wanted peace and quiet. I didn't want these feelings anymore, they were driving me crazy. I achieved a stable meditation only to be pulled out of it by the sound of rain on my window. I sat up and looked out at the wet world. 'Where's Deku?' was my first thought. 'That candy cane asshole better not let him walk home like this. If he get's a cold, it'll be on my conscience. I was the one who promised to take responsibility for him…'
I got out of bed and closed my blinds before laying back down. 'He's fine. He's probably still studying. A cold isn't even a big deal, he's not a baby, he can deal with it.' I tried to meditate again but my thoughts were always drawn back to him. 'He didn't have an umbrella when he left school… shit… no! I'm not going! He can take care of himself!'
After twenty minutes, my thoughts became so annoying that there was no hope of meditating. I got up from bed, hating myself for letting myself become so internally manipulated by the green-haired boy. I put on my tennis shoes and grabbed an umbrella. I walked along the path to the café and surely enough, I found him alone and wet. When I met eyes with him, the hatred I had piled up in my heart for him sank away. "Kaachan?" his little voice asked. "What are you doing out here?"
It began to pour harder. Izuku was already completely soaked through and his hair hung down like a drenched mop. I stepped closer to shield him under the umbrella. Every fiber in my being told me to protect him. The warmth that came from our bodies being so close relaxed me. "Where's Half n' Half?" I asked, my voice gentle but dominant.
"He left an hour ago. His sister called him home, it seemed important." He explained.
"Izuku… are you trying to piss me off?" I asked.
Those wide emerald eyes looked up to me, shocked and confused. "What? Of course not."
"Then why does it always happen? You call me your hero then you put yourself in situations like this… do you like to see me worried?"
"You were worried, Kaachan?"
"I worry all the time… it's infuriating. If you weren't such a good person, I wouldn't have to worry like this."
"I'm sorry…"
"That's exactly it! You apologize for being a good person. People like you don't belong in this world. You trust so easily and you move towards people without hesitation. How am I supposed to keep you from getting hurt? Stop calling me your hero, it's too much of a burden to bear."
The boy stepped closer so I could feel his breath. "But… I want to get hurt sometimes." He said. I locked eyes with him. It felt like my heart was out of me, just resting in the open, vulnerable and weak. "When people hurt us, we learn about them and ourselves. We see life in more color. Living a life without pain is so dull. It's easy but not fulfilling. You've hurt me before, Kaachan, but I don't mind. Because of that, I get to see you in full color while everyone else only sees black and white."
I felt my heart leak out of me and seep into Midoriya. The parasite had finally taken everything. My mind was too numb to think so my body took the initiative. I leaned forward and rested my forehead on his shoulder. I could smell him… I could feel his body's heat against mine… I felt this fluffy hair tickling the back of my neck. I wanted this… I wanted it so badly.
Midoriya's phone jingled, alerting the shocked boy of an incoming call. "Don't answer it…" I whispered against his ear. The jingling eventually ceased and we continued to stand there together, all the water that the sky could hold falling around us like a heavenly shower.
"Kaachan…" A soft voice whispered, slipping into my ears with ease. "You're my hero even when you're not around… just knowing you has made my life better. You're still the coolest hero ever, no matter what."
I stood up straight, looking at him. "Come on… I'll walk you home." I said.
He smiled and suddenly, everything was alright again. I could feel that my chest was remarkably light now. I guess I really had lost my heart… it was gone and I didn't know how to get it back.
We walked in silence, the rushing of the rain doing all the talking for us. When we arrived at his house, he looked me over, noticing my drenched shoes and pants. "You got so wet…" he mentioned.
I looked around. "It's raining." I pointed out.
He rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Kaachan, come in for a minute. I'll lend you a pair of rainboots."
I took a deep breath and started to regain myself, slowly moving out of my hypnotic state and back into my body. "Are you sure about that? I'm dirty, right?"
"Huh? You're not dirty." He said, confused by my statement.
"Lying just annoys me, Izuku."
"I'm not lying." He defended, sounding offended.
"Then how come you drank that coffee that Candy Cane gave you but you can't have a glass of water at my house?"
He finally understood what I meant. He chuckled lightly, making my blood boil. What was so funny!? "Kaachan, you're so backwards. Is that how you think it is? Come in out of the rain and I'll tell you the truth, okay?"
I begrudgingly entered the house. I was still pissed about the fact that he laughed at something that was causing me so much distress. Midoriya squatted down and pulled off my shoes, replacing them with a pair of slippers. I forgot my anger an instead blushed. He was acting like a butler or a mother. I dismissed it as excessive hospitality. "That feels better, right? Being uncomfortable makes it harder to smile." He said with a smile of his own. My usual fire was dulled.
He led me through his ginormous, expensively decorated, house until we ended up in the kitchen. He pulled a mug out of the cabinet that was shaped like Captain America's head. It was unbelievably tacky but still, he held it with care and affection. "To apologize for this misconception, I'll make your tea in my favorite mug."
"Don't you think you're going a little overboard?" I grumbled, trying to play it cool.
"I want to give you something special because you also gave me something special just now." He replied, setting down the mug and placing a caste iron teapot over the stove's flame.
"Hey, I'm keeping that umbrella." I corrected.
He laughed again. "Not the umbrella, it's all yours. You gave me… hmm, how can I put it? You gave me a feeling that I like a lot."
"A feeling? You gotta be kidding me." I rolled my eyes.
"Roll your eyes all you want, you gave it now you can't take it back. I'm storing it away so that, if I'm ever feeling down, I can pull it out and smile again."
"Sometimes you say the stupidest things." I commented.
"Sometimes you think the stupidest things too." He replied. "What reason do you have to be jealous of Todoroki? You're obviously my favorite, I thought you knew that."
My face flushed. "Th-then how come-"
"The coffee thing? Remember how I told you that I'm uncomfortable all day long? I'm uncomfortable because I force myself to deal with things I don't like. I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling or make them worry or cause them to think I'm weird. Just like you, I'm not being my whole self at school. When it's just you and me, I'm not afraid that you'll think I'm weird or that I'll offend you. I know that you understand so I can be my regular, germophobic, self." He explained. Why had I ever been so bothered? The answer was right in front of me yet I drove myself crazy with jealousy.
"You don't know how good it feels to just be able to say what's bothering me." He continued. "I'm never honest about those feelings. I don't even tell my mom when I'm uncomfortable because she worries and I don't want to be a burden. I don't feel that way with you. Even though you sometimes say I'm a burden… I don't think that's true. Whenever we're together, we're both relaxed and having fun. I think you're just stressed but I'm about to cure that with this tea."
He poured water into my mug from the kettle, using a thick towel to lift the pot before he scooped what looked like an expensive matcha powder into it. He pushed the cup across the counter to me then went to move the kettle onto an unheated burner without the protective towel. In a moment, he yelped and dropped the heavy pot of boiling water onto the ground with a terrible noise.
"Deku!" I yelled, bursting forth from my place to grab his wrists. He was crying like a child from the pain. I examined the red, raw, flesh then led him to sit down at his kitchen table. "Is your mom home?" I asked, squatting as I tried to meet his eyes. He shook his head as he sobbed. I couldn't stand the noises he was making, they pulled at my heart. "Hey, Izuku, look at me. Come on, look at me." I said. His watery eyes finally met mine. "It's okay. The bad thing already happened. It's over and it's going to be okay now." I coaxed. My mom always said that to me when I hurt myself as a kid. "Be brave now, okay?"
He nodded, his lips closing tightly. I rewarded him with a kind, authentic, smile. "Yeah, just like that. You look almost as cool as me." I teased lightly. He smiled the tiniest bit. I reached up and swiped each of his cheeks once with my palm. They were so warm and wet.
I remembered a hero in one of Midoriya's comics saying, 'When people can't see what the future holds, the thing that will settle their hearts most is a plan.' I decided to try that. "Now, I'm going to help you get up and we're going to go to the sink and then you're going to rinse your hand." I said. He nodded, his breathing calming down.
I helped him to the sink and left him there as I searched around in his bathroom for antibiotic cream. In a few minutes, his hand had been carefully wrapped and the tears were gone. "Kaachan…?" the boy said, looking over his mummied glove.
"Yeah?" I asked, sipping my tea. We had moved to the couch to be more comfortable.
"Before… you said 'deku'… what did that mean?"
I blushed. "Ah… it's nothing, just a sound."
"Tell the truth." He insisted.
"It's… a nickname I came up with for you in my head. It just slipped out." I though he'd be depressed to have such an awful nickname. Instead, he responded with a big awe-struck smile.
"So… even though you tease me… you've always been cheering me on too!" He exclaimed, making me realize that Deku meant both 'useless' and 'you can do it'. I wondered if I should correct him but he had already adopted the name. "Kaachan, call me that out loud from now on. It makes me happy."
"Are you sure?"
He nodded enthusiastically. "Knowing you're rooting for me makes me feel stronger."
I turned up a corner of my mouth. "Yeah, okay." I said, finishing off the tea. "I should take off." I added and checked the clock on my phone. It was already 5 pm.
When I stood up, a little hand darted out behind me and gripped onto my shirt. "Wait…" His soft voice spoke up. "Can you stay a while? I have a headache and Mom won't be home until 7:15…"
"Take some medicine." I suggested.
"I know but… I just don't want to be alone. Can you stay? When Mom comes home, I'll ask our driver to take you back."
He was acting especially desperate. Was it because he was hurt? My parents wouldn't be home until closer to nine or ten so I sat back down. Deku had completely changed me, I wasn't who I used to be anymore. I was a lot me agreeable and docile and kind. I wondered if I was always like this deep down or if he had created a new side of me.
He smiled at me. "Thanks. I'll make you another cup of tea." He stood up and now it was my turn to grab his shirt.
"No, you won't, Idiot. You need at least one good hand to take that test on Friday and kick Monoma's ass, right? Sit down, I'll do it." I said, feigning annoyance. His eagerness was actually kinda cute. I got up, made two cups of tea, and dug out the Frankenstein book from his backpack. I sat the mugs on the coffee table, giving him the Captain America one to cheer him up, then tossed the book into his lap and sat back down.
He smiled at the book. "You like it?" He asked.
"No, you didn't study much with Candy Cane today. All I'm saying is you're not off the hook. Read."
He opened the book and began to read it aloud to me. I was so exhausted from all the thinking I had been doing that day that I soon felt my consciousness slipping away from me. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, I hardly remembered the book at all. Deku didn't wake me. In fact, when I was woken up by his mom, we had both fallen asleep slumped against each other.
I was pretty embarrassed about that. I didn't even make that much physical contact with my mom. I guess Deku was right, we were different people when we were together. Mrs. Midoriya thanked me for wrapping Deku's hand, which just embarrassed me more.
I tried to refuse but Deku finally talked me into letting their driver take me home. I didn't want to talk to the 50-year-old stranger so on the car ride, I just looked out the window at the dark, rainy sky. It seemed really pretty to me. Lights from passing buildings were reflected on the puddle-ridden sidewalk and the asphalt road glittered.
At home, I went immediately to my room to change my still wet pants. After pulling up a new pair, I spotted the bunny figure poised on my desk. With one finger, I gently tapped its head, forgiving it for making me so angry. "You're not all that bad." I told the bunny. "Sorry I yelled at you. Sometimes… it just happens when I don't know what to say."
It was easier to talk to this little figure than the real boy. "I know it's hard but try not to get too angry with me, okay? I don't like it when I make you upset but I end up doing it anyways, I guess. What I'm most afraid of is making you so angry that you won't want to hang out with me or talk to me anymore. I don't like thinking about that so… just do me a favor and try to forgive me often, okay?"
I knew he had too much of me… It was scary to give so much of yourself to another person. The idea of him growing to hate me or abandoned me shook me down to my core. I didn't even want to think about it. On the other hand, the idea of him returning my affection and smiling at me with those vibrant eyes made me want to jump and laugh.
It was just as Deku said. It was as if I was living in a black and white world before and now, I was finally realizing the colors.
