Disclaimer: Don't own stuff~

Note: English is typed in underline.


Chapter Two

Overcoming Fear

"It's OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave."

- Mandy Hale


The next few days were a bit of a blur. The rest of my packages arrived from home, and I quickly finished settling in. There were so many emails to answer, things to prepare for this charity party, and calls and texts and my own practicing to do... it was dizzying at times. The others called more often, mainly Yoosung and Luciel, but it was Zen who called the most. Every night, both unable to sleep, we stayed up on the phone. Once, on the night of the fourth day, I played on my keyboard for him, earning a sonata from Zen on his piano. He was good at that, too. I was beginning to think he was good at everything.

I couldn't explain this, any of it. When I came to Korea, it was to get away from everything. I didn't trust easily. I'd learned my lesson. Yet, somehow, he could tease it out. It hadn't even been a week yet. We'd only talked on the phone. Yet I could feel something, in my chest. I rose to his flirts sometimes, and at others came to my senses and spurned them. I had to fight it. I had to. I couldn't get attached. It would only hurt me in the end.

"Want to practice my lines with me, jagiya?"

I sighed, "Hyun, I told you, I don't sing anymore."

He laughed, "I meant my spoken lines. There are some of the those, Little Lotte~"

And that's how I became the unwitting rehearsal partner for Zen. His excuse was, and I quote: "Director Eunha and the rest haven't picked an actress for Christine Daae yet. We had one, but she had to pull out because of an injury. The director is going to use a stand-in until we find someone, but it'll probably be another week or two. Most of Raoul's scenes are with Christine, so I need someone I can play off of for practice! The stand-in, well... she's not... the best. I think I could bounce my lines much better off you."

I couldn't really argue with that logic, mostly because it made less sense and sounded more like a round about way to tell me that he just wanted to practice them with me. Would've been simpler just to say that.

On the fifth day, I rose from bed and went about an early morning violin practice, then on to dancing. Panting heavily and jingling with each step, I plopped down along the length of my couch and fished out my phone. Yoosung was in the chatroom alone at the moment.

[Aya]: Yoosung, it's early. Have you slept at all?

[Yoosung]: lol um... no. Well, a bit. Kinda. Sorta.

He'd tried to swear off gaming to focus more on school. The poor boy sent a selfie with deep bags under his eyes the day before, sworn off gaming, lost the baggy-eyed look... and promptly started gaming. Couldn't even make it a day without LOLOL. I chuckled a bit, rolling my eyes. Yoosung was like everyone's little brother... he reminded me of my own back home, Aaron. Granted, Aaron was only ten, so...

[Aya]: You know, if you want good grades, you need to study.

[Yoosung]: But I can't let down my guildmates, Aya! You wouldn't understand; you don't game!

[Aya]: And how do you know that? Have you asked?

[Yoosung]: ...

I smiled, and waited.

[Yoosung]: Aya, you game?! *shocked emoji*

[Aya]: *sweatdrop emoji* Yes, Yoosung; I game.

[Yoosung]: Oh. My. GOD! What do you play? LOLOL is an MMORPG, do you like those? I stick mostly with RPGs, but not just the MMO kind.

[Aya]: Um... horror? I like Resident Evil...

[Yoosung]: Aww, just scary stuff? So scary... *sad emoji*

[Aya]: I like some other stuff too! Um, like Final Fantasy and stuff. I have my Playstation with me in Korea, actually. It arrived yesterday.

[Yoosung]: Oh, awesome! Can I come over and play sometime?

[Aya]: ... um...

[Yoosung]: Oh right, Seven and V don't want anyone to have the address to Rika's apartment. Classified and stuff. *sigh emoji*

I wasn't about to correct him. It wasn't that I wasn't starting to consider Yoosung a friend - I was - but still. The thought of meeting any of them made my chest restrict. I hadn't told any of them - not even Zen - but I hadn't left my apartment since that fateful day the strange man gave me the messenger code. That wasn't really out of the norm. It was the end of summer, and though it was sunny... I just didn't see the point. I could sketch from memory, or the views on my balcony. I knew it was the anxiety... since that day, with the threat of whoever Unknown was - good, bad, I didn't know - I just couldn't leave. Every time I tried, my hands shook, my breath quickened. At least I had some food still.

And the doctor told me to try not to overwork myself. I wanted to laugh.

Yoosung and I said goodbye; he left the chat while I stayed on, letting it run in the background as I set up my easel to paint. I shamelessly used the different selfies posted in the chatroom of the RFA members as inspiration. I wasn't going for anything in particular, a sort of collage of them. Maybe I could show it at the party, with a couple others...? V has his photographs, so a couple paintings probably wouldn't be too much to ask. With that thought, I reached for my phone, only to stop. Zen was in the chat.

[ZEN]: Aya, you're here! *smiling emoji*

[Aya]: Hello, Hyun. I'm just painting atm.

[ZEN]: I want to know what you're painting, but... I'm too excited! I just met the director. I... got a new role and it's amazing!

[Aya]: Another one? What about the Phantom of the Opera one?

[ZEN]: This one's a much, much bigger production. I'll be acting with a famous celebrity that acts on TV!

I blinked. Wow. TV acting and theatre acting are two entirely different things, but still. Acting with a more famous celebrity would bring all kinds of attention his way. With the insane amount I knew he practiced, it was well worth it. I smiled.

[Aya]: That's great, Hyun! I'll miss helping you practice the Opera, but I'm really happy for you. I hope I get to see it.

[ZEN]: I'll get you tickets! Oooh Scarlet, I feel so excited right now! lol The director says that if I do well on this one, I might start acting on TV now!

[Aya]: Wow... famous Hyun. I'll have to ask for your autograph, with 'Hyun' instead of 'Zen'. Makes it more special that way.

[ZEN]: I'd give you a thousand autographs if you wanted, jagiya~ *heart emoji*

I blushed, deeply.

[Aya]: I... excuse me while I go take a cold shower.

[ZEN]: *shocked emoji* Aya! Why you vixen, I didn't know the mere thought of being near me to get an autograph would get you so hot and bothered.

I blinked, realization of just how what I'd typed could be horribly misconstrued were. Damn my sub-par Korean!

[Aya]: Th-that's not what I meant! I meant, you know, splash cold water so I stop blushing!

[ZEN]: Ahh, so I've got you blushing, then? So cute~!

[Aya]: I'm not cure!

[ZEN]: So cute you're typo-ing now~

[Aya]: Stop teasing me, Hyun!

[ZEN]: Now why would I do that, when it's so fun~?

[Aya]: Oh, you... *blushing emoji*

[ZEN]: Eheheheh *smirking emoji*

[Aya]: I'm going back to painting, now! Bye!

[ZEN]: Ah, wait jagiya! Just a bit longer; I wanted to tell you. Rehearsal starts in five days, right before the party. The actress's stage name is Echo Girl or something like that.

[Aya]: ... right before the party...?

I felt a little cold at that. If he was going to be so busy, would he make it? I didn't know why that made me feel so... sad. I blinked, a little shocked at myself. I wanted to meet him. I wanted to meet this man that I'd spent the last five days chatting with and talking on the phone with. This feeling... it was terrifying. I took a couple shallow breaths, willing back the sudden anxiety, and read his reply.

[ZEN]: Yeah, I almost didn't take the role because of the party. I'm not used to having so little time to practice, but... yeah. I'll still be there, though! Just maybe a bit late. I made sure I'd still have the time.

I was holding my breath without realizing it until I sighed.

[Aya]: I'm glad *smiling emoji* Really, congratulations Hyun. I haven't seen you act yet, but from how Jaehee rants and raves about you, and everything else I've heard, I know you'll do well.

[ZEN]: It means a lot to hear that from you, jagiya~

I bid him goodbye and went back to my painting. The colors took a lighter tone from then on, curling and curving around the RFA logo. Each member, save for myself, was painted from the back, sort of like a silhouette. The only one I didn't have a good reference for was Rika. I knew she had curly, long blonde hair from the one photo I had seen, and that was the catalyst for me painting them from the back in the first place. The painting wasn't done until well into the day. I wasn't completely satisfied, but... and artist never is. The painting looked fine, but... as I narrowed my eyes at it and the sun set outside, I zeroed in on the issue. There was something off about the figure of Rika. I couldn't tell exactly what was wrong, but... something was.

My eyes slid to the door. I could go and get a better reference from her apartment... I had permission to be there, so long as I didn't mess anything up. But that would involve going outside my apartment. I was safe in here, but out there... less so.

I stood, grabbed my phone, and concentrated on the chat as I slowly edged towards the door. There was a long piece about Jumin trying to get Zen to model for his company's new line of cat products. He was insistent, but there was no way Zen would ever do something like that. He was allergic, for Pete's sake! As the man talked with Luciel about it, I reached the door. Taking a slow breath in, I rested my hand on the knob. I thought of calling Zen, but with the new role, he was going to need a lot of practice time. I looked back down at the chat and saw that Luciel had left.

So I called him instead. He'd hinted at having done a background check on me, so maybe he already knew, or would understand, my anxiety.

"Agent 707 here, at your service!"

"... Luciel?" I bit my lip. Maybe Zen would've been a better choice...

"The one and only! What can I help you with, my little foreign enigma?"

What kind of nickname was that? I wanted to roll my eyes, but was a little too keyed up for it, "Um... don't tell the others, but... well, first I need to know; I know you've done a check on me. Don't, um... don't try to hide it. I just wanna know, um... well..."

"Don't worry, Aya," His voice it's playfulness, which did nothing for my nerves. It was the kind of serious, yet pitying term I knew well, "I didn't look too far into it. I mean, I found like... everything. I only read some of the US news stories in the local area. I found everything all the way to the court documents, all of it, but well, even I know when to stop prying. Sometimes. Not often, though!"

He had that playfulness back at the end, but it didn't really help me not to panic a bit, "Please, please don't tell anyone! Please, Luciel, I'm begging-"

"Wasn't planning on it, Aya," He said, "Was that all? Don't tell me you called just to ask that."

"Well, no, but you see..." I bit my lip again, worrying it raw, "I thought, since I assumed you went and looked me up, that... Christ, this is hard... I... um..."

"Just spit it out, Aya," He chuckled a bit in what I assumed was supposed to be a reassuring way. It didn't work.

"I haven't left my apartment since I downloaded Mystic Messenger but I need to so I can finish this painting but I'msoanxiousandI-"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there."

"Sorry Luciel, um..." I tasted copper. Raising a hand to my lips and drawing them back again, I saw red. I probably should've taken my anti-anxiety meds early today; I'd bitten a cut into my lip. With a sigh I finished my thought for the surprisingly patient Luciel, "Don't tell anyone, but I have... An anxiety condition. And after meeting that strange man and my interactions with this 'Unknown' I..."

"I get 'cha, but just so you know... Zen would probably be a lot better at this 'calming you don't thing," Luciel laughed, "The dude's taken a shining to you, ya know."

"I... What?" My hand slipped off the door knob for a second, "He's just a flirt."

"Keep thinking that," he said, "By the way, totally rolling my eyes at you right now."

"... Thanks," I said dryly, "Are you gonna help me, or not?"

"I reeeeally think Zen would be better, but go ahead. What do you need me to do?"

"Just... Talk to me. Tell me nothing is going to hurt me outside the door," I half mumbled the words, my hand once again on the doorknob.

"God... You sure you don't want to call Zen?"

"Luciel!" Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should've just left it alone and stayed inside. Maybe... "I called you because you know a lot more than Zen about me by default!"

"Alright, alright! You don't need to shout," He groaned, "My poor ears."

I didn't say anything and just waited, staring at the lightly colored front door, "Okay um... Well, nothing can hurt you in that apartment complex. Open the door and you'll see no one's there."

Slowly I did, trying not to think of what if there was someone there? But there wasn't and the long hallway stretched before me. Directly on the left was the staircase; both mine and Rika's apartment were next to the staircase. I took a deep breath and stepped out. I was okay. I was fine.

"See? Wasn't so hard. Rika's apartment is right below you-"

"... You have this entire apartment building rigged with cameras, don't you?" I said dryly, eyes narrowing.

"Just the halls, stairs, and Rika's apartment!" Luciel laughed. I could sense some nervousness in his tone, "It's super secure! V and Rika own the building, so it was simple to do, really."

"So you can see me right now?" I looked around. I didn't see anything...

"Up and to the left, in the corner by the staircase," I swiveled my head up and sure enough, a small black camera stared down at me, "Hello~!"

I waved, suddenly feeling a bit self conscious. I stared at the camera and it stared back. I suppose I should be freaked out that Luciel had cameras all over my apartment building, but for some reason it actually helped. Maybe because I now knew that, if anyone tries to break in, all kinds of security would go off in response. I almost asked just much security he had, but decided against it.

I shifted my cellphone to the other ear, "Thank you, Luciel. I'm okay now."

"No problem! Now I get to tease Zen with the fact that I've seen your face on two separate occasions! Haha!"

"Tease him?" I rolled my eyes, "Why does it matter that you've seen me?"

"No reason~!"

I sighed, "I'm hanging up now, Luciel."

"Goodbye, my oblivious friend!"

I sighed. Luciel was a strange one. But I did feel heaps and bounds better. Knowing someone was watching over me helped. I hurried to Rika's apartment and found what I was looking for; a photo of her and V. I only took it for an hour to get the face right, then when right back to replacing it in her apartment. I wasn't about to keep the photo, of course!

By the time all was said and done, the skies outside were black as pitch. That meant no going out for me anymore. I checked the chatroom to see if anyone was there, only to sigh. It was just Jumin and Zen... arguing.

[Aya]: Hello Hyun, Jumin. What's the problem?

[ZEN]: The problem is that he keeps trying to get me to model for his damn cat line!

[Jumin Han]: Your skills are perfect for the role, Zen. Your natural hair color even matches my beautiful Elizabeth 3rd's.

[ZEN]: I. Am. Allergic.

[Aya]: Jumin, is it really a good idea to ask Zen to model when he's allergic to cats?

[Jumin Han]: Minor detail; I can work around it.

[ZEN]: Minor my ass; I just got an amazing opportunity for a huge production with an awesome company. I'm not giving that up to model for your stupid cat line!

[Jumin Han]: The role with Echo Girl is a great opportunity, yes, but it's still just a theatre stage play. I'm offering you the opportunity to break into television itself."

[ZEN]: I don't need your charity!

[Jumin Han]: Charity? Hardly. I need a model, and you are perfect for it.

[ZEN]: I don't need your help!

[Jumin Han]: Looks and talent can only get you so far. Connections and money are needed to go further, Zen.

[ZEN]: Don't lecture me!

[Aya]: guys... Let's calm down...

[Jumin Han]:Yes, Zen, calm yourself.

[ZEN]: You're siding with him, Aya?! *Depressed emoji*

I groaned.

[Aya]: I'm not siding with anyone! Jumin, Zen is allergic to cats. Doing such a role would be incredibly difficult and would put his health at risk.

[ZEN]: Hah! Aya's with me!

[Jumin Han]: *sighing emoji*

[Aya]: I'm not done yet, Hyun. *Angry emoji*

[ZEN]: *worried emoji*

[Aya]: This is a great opportunity Jumin has offered. You can't take it because of the role you're already IN, but at least acknowledge that Jumin cares enough and thought of you FIRST for this role. That means he appreciates your looks AND talent. Jumin doesn't strike me as the type eto just offer if he didn't think you were best for it.

[Jumin Han]: Eloquently put, Aya.

[Aya]: You still need to back down, Jumin. Trying to brow-beat an allergic person into doing something against their health is kind of a jerk move. I get WHY you did it but still.

[ZEN]: ... So whose side are you on?

[Aya]: NEITHER. GOODNIGHT.

I backed out of the chatroom in a huff, "Men."

Then I laughed. In the short time I'd know them, I couldn't help but see how similar those two were, despite how at each other's throats they seemed. Both pig-headed and stubborn to a fault.

Feeling a little keyed up now, I flipped on my computer and moved the easel to the corner of the room. A little modern dance practice was just what I needed. I wasn't angry at either of them, really just amused. But still, with Luciel's help earlier and everything else going on, I just felt a little too energetic to sleep just yet.

The next time I glanced at the clock, it was just passed midnight. Feeling thoroughly exhausted now, I shut down the computer and retrieved my phone from the table. I felt refreshed somehow, and smiled a bit. Despite the questionable origins of the app, I already felt so close to some of the members. Someone was always on to talk to, or to call.

I needed that.

I flopped down on my bed after peeling off my sweaty clothes. Shower in the morning. Attempt at sleep first. I pulled up the blankets to my chin, rolled on my side, and at a whim opened the chatroom t see if anyone was online to say goodnight to. The only one there was Zen.

[Aya]: Hello, Hyun. What are you doing up so late? I just finished practicing, did you?

[ZEN]: Hey. Practicing, huh? Heheheh... *Sighing emoji*

[Aya]: Hyun, are you alright? You're not still mad at Jumin, are you?

[ZEN]: I was, and I practiced so hard just to, I dunno, prove something and...

He didn't finish. I slowly rose up to my elbows staring at the glaring phone light with a solid stone of dread dropping into my stomach.

[Aya]: Hyun, what happened? Are you okay?

[ZEN]: ... no. I-

I called him without even seeing the rest of his answer. The dial tone rang and rang and I thought it would go to a voicemail when-

"... Hello?"

"Are you okay?" I placed the phone on the shoulder whose elbow propped me up.

He chuckled. It was a dark, hollow sound that tore at my heart, "You jumped out of the chatroom before I could answer. While practicing, I... fell, and did something to my ankle. I can't move it."

I fell back against the bed with a soft thump, "Wh-why aren't you at the hospital?"

"I dunno. Shock?" Zen sighed. By the gods, he sounded so... defeated, "... I'll have to give up that role. You know, the one with Echo Girl."

"Zen..." I took a long, deep breath. He was injured. Somewhere, in a place I didn't know, he was sitting. Injured, "You need to go to the hospital."

"Yeah... I heal really quick, like really quick... but they'll probably still have to put a cast on me, huh?"

My heart went out to him. I wanted to say something, anything to make him better, "What can I do? Tell me what I can do to make you feel better."

"... I should call an ambulance, but..." Zen sighed again. Something rustled, and he sucked in a sharp, pained breath, "... I just... god, I feel so pathetic Aya. I let Jumin get to me, and part of me knew you were right too and I was just so frustrated..."

I could feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes. His tone... it reminded me of my own back then. The lost, defeated 'where do I go now?' tone. My voice that came out then, at any other time, would've been embarrassing. It was higher, almost keening, "Zen..."

"Oh no, I can hear it in your voice," There was that dead-toned chuckle again, "Don't cry for me, jagiya. Please; I couldn't take it."

"Then tell me how I can help."

Zen sighed. There was a long, pregnant pause; I checked my phone to make sure he was still on the line. Then- "... sing something for me?"

My hand clenched the phone like a vice, breath whooshing out of me all at once, "Wh-what?"

"I know you accidentally told me you don't sing anymore, but... I mean, I won't make you I'd never ever make you do anything you don't want to-" His rambling stopped with another pained hiss, then a minute of silence, "Sorry, forget it, it was a dumb thought-"

"Something always brings me back to you," I held the phone with both hands, knuckles bloodless from the pressure. My singing voice, from a couple years of disuse, was surprisingly strong despite everything, "It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do... I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone."

My chest was so tight from emotion, from stress, from worry. But I sang through it all, shaking like a leaf the whole time, "You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much... than to drown in your love, and not feel your reign."

"Aya-"

"Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity," I sat up, a bit stronger now. I kept my voice lower, quieter, a bit more breathless so I didn't disturb the neighbors. But I was singing. Willingly. For the first time in years, "Here I am, and I stand so tall. Just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me..."

Towards the end, my voice cracked. Whether it was the pains of disuse or my worry, I didn't now, but I stood from the bed and sang even stronger in Zen's silence, "Oh you loved me 'cause I'm fragile when I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone..."

I couldn't keep singing anymore; even this much made my throat itch and my eyes sting with more tears. A couple slid down my cheeks, but even in the darkness of the bedroom I didn't feel the usual darkness inside me. Maybe because I was singing alone... physically, at least.

"Aya-"

He wasn't going to stop the interrupting and I was all frayed edges at this point, so I cut the song off with the ending, "Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long..."

I fell silent, knees weak and shaking as I stood in my pajamas in the darkness. All I could hear was my breathing, and Zen's, for the longest time.

"God... that was..."

"I'm um... out of practice," I chuckled, teary-eyed as I slumped back to the edge of the bed, "It's weird. I never thought I'd ever sing again, not willingly, but when you asked..." I wanted to. Those were the words I left out. My heart was fluttering in my chest, from the fear of memories and the high, elated and strange feeling of triumph.

"Aya... that was beautiful."

"It was sloppy," I laughed, wiping tears from my face, "I couldn't hit notes I used to, I couldn't take in as much breath as I used to..."

"I'll say it again, and every single time you doubt it. Beautiful."

Another tear slipped away, "... thank you, Hyun."

"Ahh... somehow, hearing you say my name like that after singing so beautifully... be careful, Aya. You'll release the beast within me~"

There was the flirtatious Zen I'd gotten the know these last five days. I laughed, and he joined in, the sound somehow easing my anxiety, "I-If you can flirt, you must not be in that much pain."

"Oh, I am..." Some darkness seeped back into his tone, "I... should probably call an ambulance."

"Yeah..." I laid back down, but didn't pull the blankets back around me. I could feel the call coming to an end, and Zen started to say goodbye before I cut him off, "Text me or something as soon as you know how bad it is." Then, realizing how that sounded, sputtered, "O-or put it in the chat. I-I'm sure the others... will be worried."

He chuckled. It wasn't as dark as before, "I will. Get some sleep, jagiya. I'm calling the ambulance now. Goodnight."

I laid there in bed, staring up at the ceiling for a long time after Zen hung up. I didn't move, I barely breathed, just replaying the last few minutes over and over again.

I sang. I sang. For someone I'd barely known a few days, though we'd talked for hours in that time. Something I swore no one would ever make me do again, something that brought so much pain... and yet...

It didn't hurt.

I mean, it did. Sort of. But not the kind of hurt that was entirely unwelcome, or bad. Like a quickly torn off bandage; painful at first, but with an overwhelming sense of relief afterwards. It had been two years since I'd last sung anything. Not since the day I was rescued from that man, from my kidnapper. The last one before Zen to hear me sing was my own personal devil. If he was a devil, then Zen must be... my angel.

I laughed into the silent darkness and shook my head. With his odd coloring and looks, Zen could pass for an angel easily. I rolled over and pulled the blankets around me again, setting an alarm for early in the morning. I fell asleep with a smile, in spite of my worry, for another hurtle conquered.


Author's Note: The song Aya sings is Gravity by Sara Bareilles. I love that song ~ :)