Meredith
"Do you think she's asleep? She looks asleep. Maybe we should come back later…or at least knock or something."
"Dude, stop blocking the door."
I can hear them talking in hushed voices from where they're standing in the doorway. They've been there for a good five minutes, George continually insisting that I'm asleep, and Alex switching back and forth between flirting with one of the nurses and berating George. I don't think they have plans to stop any time soon. I should probably turn around and say something…let them know that I actually am awake. But that would require effort, and then I would have to talk to them and pretend to seem okay. And honestly, that would just cut way too much into my time for moping and brooding about the disaster my life has become.
"But she's asleep," continues George, interrupting my thoughts again. Exactly. Listen to George already. I'm asleep here.
"What is going on here? Did you guys get it?" I almost turn my head at the sudden sound of Cristina's voice. I hadn't realized she was standing there too. I wonder if there's any way to get her in here and keep the boys out? She could sit by my bed and bash McDreamy for me, since that always goes along well with moping.
"Yeah of course we got it, but that doesn't matter since Fetus here won't stop blocking the door."
"I am not a fetus! And I'm blocking the door because she's asleep," protests George. Aww George. He's blocking the door for me. Maybe we really are going to manage to be friends again after all.
"See?" continues Alex pointedly. I don't even have to turn around to know that he's glaring at George. "If we're not going in, I'm just gonna eat it. This stuff's getting cold."
"Don't touch it," snaps Cristina immediately. "We're going in. Now George, do I have to actually hit you to get you to move?"
"She's sleeping!" he yells. (I have no idea how George thinks I'm still asleep since they're seriously having a shouting match in my doorway.)
I sigh and finally turn my head to stare at them. George has himself wedged determinedly in the doorway, and Cristina is leaning over his arm, trying to get by. Alex is just standing there, looking bored and holding a large paper bag in his hands. "No I'm not," I mutter, frowning at them and scooting slightly up in my bed. "And what's getting cold?"
"Nice job Bambi," says Cristina, as she finally pushes past George and into my room. "You woke up Mer."
"No I didn't…I…if you guys hadn't been so loud, she'd still be sleeping!"
"This," says Alex, walking past the both of them (and apparently the only one bothering to answer my question.) He drops the paper bag in my lap, quickly snatching up the one comfortable chair in the room for himself. I raise an eyebrow, but reach out and open up the bag anyway.
"Umm?" I ask as I pull out a warm, Styrofoam container. "What's this?"
"Breakfast," says Cristina simply. She picks up my legs and shifts them over, taking a seat on the bed where they'd been laying.
"Nobody likes hospital food when they're sick. Well, I don't think anybody likes it when they're healthy either. I don't like it, but you know…it's here. So I usually eat it. But you're sick, so…"
"So you guys brought me french toast?" I ask, cutting off George as I glance down at the container. It's filled with several squashed pieces of toast that are just about drowning in a pool of butter and syrup. George nods earnestly, but Cristina frowns as if I've just insulted her surgical technique.
"We didn't just get you french toast. We neglected our patients, distracted Bailey, and ran a block and half to get you french toast." She pauses, glancing down at the clearly mangled breakfast, shrugging. "So, you'd better eat it all Mer."
"Umm…a block and a half? Where'd you guys go?"
"The diner," says Alex as he reaches forward and grabs one of the pieces of toast in his bare hands, shoving the thing into his mouth. I had been about to take a bite, but at his words I set the fork back down in the container, pushing it towards him.
"That's disgusting," groans Cristina as she turns away from the food falling out of Alex's mouth.
"You know you love it," he mumbles back, opening his mouth widely in her direction. I just stare at the container in my lap, not really listening as the two of them begin to trade insults. In its condition, the french toast was never really that appetizing, but now…now I can't eat it. They've made it all the way through from Evil Spawn to Crackwhore, and are pretty much wrapping up the gynecologist insults before they realize that I'm just sitting there staring at my food.
"Mer?" asks Cristina.
George nudges me with an elbow. "What's wrong Meredith? Aren't you hungry?"
"Alex's face is probably ruining her appetite," continues Cristina, reaching out a hand to block his face from my view.
"No…no, it's not that," I say quietly. The actual reason is stupid. Unbelievably stupid. I seriously hate myself for caring. If only they hadn't come in. I should've just kept on pretending to sleep, because now they're all looking at me expectantly, waiting for an explanation. I sigh and shrug my shoulders, saying, "Derek used to take me there…"
"Oh…" says Cristina, getting it immediately. She leans forward, pulling the container away from me. "Here." She rolls her eyes and pushes the rest of the french toast into Alex's lap. "Trust me. She's not going to touch it."
"I will," I protest, but that's a lie. The last thing I can do right now is eat a reminder of when Derek and I were happy and together, instead of being the very dirty, unhappy, inappropriate thing that we are now. Thing… See, that's the sad part. (Well one of the sad parts.) I don't even know what to call us. Their isn't an "us" because we both belong to a different "us." We're just a thing. A thing that shouldn't even exist. A nothing…totally nothing.
I'm just a depressed dirty mistress. A dirty mistress who isn't going to eat food from the restaurant her ex-boyfriend/now-very-inappropriate-lover used to take her to before work. It's just not going to happen.
"Why won't she touch it? Why won't you touch it Mer? What does Dr. Shepherd have to do with french toast anyway?" asks George, looking curiously back and forth between Cristina and I. "Did something happen?"
"No," I say quickly. "Nothing happened."
Cristina just leans forward, ignoring George, and asking, "Have you talked to him?"
"Since when?"
"Since your last knitting lesson," smirks Cristina. I shoot her a look and glance over at Alex, but he seems completely occupied with cramming every last piece of french toast into his mouth. And George, well…he's George. He's never been too good at picking up on this stuff, so I'm not that worried.
"No, he hasn't come back," I say, finally answering Cristina.
"And so you've been obsessing all morning now."
"No!" Yes… "I haven't been obsessing." Cristina just raises an eyebrow, not at all fooled. "I wasn't obsessing," I insist. "It's just that, I wonder if it means something…him not coming back… We're friends, and a friend would come back…and he hasn't. It seems like the sort of thing that means something. And not a good something, but a bad something."
"Right…you haven't been obsessing Mer. Not one bit."
"I haven't! Seriously, I may have had a few moments of intense thought. But nothing more…it's just…well, don't you think it means something?"
Cristina gives me a long look, laughing to herself. "You're so pissed that he hasn't been back."
"I am not. I don't care at all. Although, don't you think it's the sort of thing you'd want to come back and talk about?"
"What is? Oh…you mean all the knitting?"
"Well…yes. Knitting. And everything else, but yeah…definitely the knitting."
Cristina shrugs. "Depends…Not everything needs a definition."
I just look at her incredulously. "This does!" Some things may not need a definition, but somehow…I don't see how this possibly slides by. Cheating, adulterous sex needs a label, otherwise it's just cheating, adulterous sex. And that leaves me as nothing more then the dirty mistress, again.
"You're teaching Dr. Shepherd how to knit?" interrupts George. "And you're mad at him for not coming back? Why is he…what did he…umm, what happened Meredith?"
"George, it's nothing," I sigh, turning to look at him. Well it's nothing so long as he doesn't think to ask Callie. "Seriously, it's a long story, and it's boring, and it's not really important anyway. So just…thanks for getting me breakfast. That was really sweet." George nods at this, but continues to shoot puzzled looks at Cristina and I.
"Dude," says Alex, getting up and heading towards the door. "Seriously." He shakes his head at George. "They're not actually talking about knitting." Crap. Alex was listening after all. I should've realized that our code wasn't really that un-crackable. (And I suppose it helps that I'm consistently predictable too.) From the way he's smirking at me, he's got a pretty good idea of what actually happened. Still, Alex has always been good at keeping my secrets before, so I could worry…but I'm actually more worried about the fact that he seems to be colliding with a huge bouquet of pink roses and what appears to be a very large teddy bear.
"Umm…" I say, leaning forward in my bed to try and see just what's going on. A moment later, Alex mumbles some sort of greeting and pushes past the roses, leaving a rather confused looking Finn standing in the doorway, his arms full. "Finn," I say as I fall back against the pillows, and try my hardest to smile.
"Hey Meredith." He walks over, placing the flowers and the bear in my lap. It's seriously a giant bear. I mean, the thing is nearly as big as me. Before I realize it, he's leaning down towards me, his lips brushing against mine. Whoa…that's now two people I've kissed in the same hospital bed. Derek's kiss (well kisses plural, actually) was definitely more exciting, but he hasn't been back to visit since then, so I suppose I shouldn't complain about Finn's.
"Oh…hi…" I stammer, breaking away and scooting back towards the end of my bed.
"How are you feeling? I thought you could use some cheering up."
"Umm…yeah. I'm doing good," I say softly. "What's all this for?" I gesture towards the flowers and bear that have successfully hidden nearly all of my bed from view. Cristina is standing up and looking pretty disgusted at having just been displaced by all the stuff.
"To cheer you up," Finn continues, smiling at me.
"You didn't have to…" I start to stammer. He really shouldn't have. To say that I don't deserve them is actually a huge understatement. Girls who cheat on their sorta-boyfriends, and then don't even have the decency to feel bad about the cheating, definitely don't deserve roses and teddy bears. And that's the thing...
I don't feel bad.
I mean, I feel upset and overwhelmed and completely confused, but there is this small twisted part of me that is actually glad that I slept with Derek, that I was with him again, that, for a little while, he was mine again. And so seriously, I should just give Finn the flowers back already.
"No, but I wanted to," says Finn, laughing a little. He seems so happy. I would love to look that happy… That's it. I'm officially not thinking about Derek right now. I'm just going to concentrate on Finn, and being happy that he at least took the time to come visit me. "These are your friends right?" he continues. (Still smiling, still happy.) "I recognize them from the prom, but I'm afraid I've forgotten who's who." Oh great. The prom. So much for not thinking about Derek. (Not smiling so much anymore.) I shoot Cristina a warning look as soon as the word "prom" leaves Finn's mouth, but she just shrugs and continues to glare at the bear.
"Cristina and George," I say, pointing to the two of them.
"Ah, you're Meredith's best friend then." He rounds on Cristina and I close my eyes, because trying to engage Cristina in friendly conversation when you've just displaced her from her seat with a giant teddy bear…well, that's basically the equivalent of a death wish.
"Yes, and you're her vet."
"Yes, I am," he says, smiling at her. I don't know how anyone could return the look she's giving him with a smile. It's unnatural. "Doc was a lovely dog, very friendly and affectionate. Do you like dogs?"
Cristina just turns and looks at me, her eyebrows raised. "I'm not an animal person," she says flatly. Finn seems slightly taken aback, but after a moment he nods. The room starts to fall into an awkward silence, but George stands up, taking a firm hold on Cristina's elbow.
"Umm…we should probably leave those two alone, and, you know, actually see some of our patients," he says, moving towards the door. "Nice meeting you Finn," he adds, holding out his hand.
"Why are you touching me?" asks Cristina, yanking her elbow away from George. He just shushes her, turning his attention back to Finn who's apparently asking him a question. I hope he's not asking George about Doc too. Finn's going to think all my friends hate animals. "Mer…there's a giant bear on your bed and Bambi just shushed me," hisses Cristina, sounding seriously alarmed.
"I know."
"I swear, it's like your room is located in some freakish hell dimension!"
"Well…that would explain what happened yesterday."
"Seriously." She glances back at Finn and George, who are still talking. "I think they're bonding Meredith…"
I shrug. It does look that way. "Probably."
"Should we stop them?"
"I don't think we can…"
"You're just going to let them…bond?" She looks at me incredulously.
"I guess so…" I guess I am. At least someone is being nice to Finn. It should be me, seeing as how he honestly seems happy to see me even though I ignored him for a whole week. Plus he just brought me flowers and a bear. But…I've never really liked roses. And the pink ribbon around the bear's neck…it's just too…I don't even know what it is. It's just too something. It would be better in Izzie's room. Izzie would smile and hug it and laugh, or at least she would have if Denny had given it to her before he died. Now she'd probably just stare at it, sort of like what I'm doing. See…I knew I was becoming the second Empty Izzie.
"Mer? Meredith?" I look up to see both George and Finn facing me, apparently through with bonding for now. "Cristina and I are going back to work," continues George. "You rest okay?" I just nod, watching as the two of them start to walk out of the room.
"And Mer?" calls Cristina, turning back to look at me. "Don't you dare knit anything."
I just roll my eyes as the door closes, leaving me alone with Finn. He smiles and sits down beside me, reaching out to take my hand in his. "Well, George seems like a nice guy," he says.
"Yeah…"
"And Cristina's…" He pauses, frowning slightly, as if trying to find the correct adjective to describe Cristina.
"Cristina, well she's Cristina. She takes some getting used to." That's about the best explanation I can come up with on short notice. At least, it's the politest one.
"Right, so…I have good news."
"You do?"
He nods. "I do. Since you couldn't come to dinner last night, I rearranged my schedule today. I had my secretary cancel all my appointments. I figured I could just keep you company here. You've got to be bored sitting in bed all day."
"Oh…" I say softly, looking down at the bundle of roses in my lap. I reach out and trace the edge of the petal with a fingertip. "That's great. That's really…great."
"Yeah. So…Meredith…" I should look up. When someone says your name in that slow, questioning manner, it usually means you should look up. "Meredith?" Yep, there he goes again. I sigh and lift my head, nodding slightly.
"Yeah?"
"Are you alright? It feels like forever since I last saw you, and I know this week's been kind of crazy for you. Should we talk about what's been going on? If you want to talk about it…"
"Oh…no," I say quickly. "We're good. I'm good. Everything's good. I'd rather…um…I'd rather just do something else right now." Right, as if that didn't sound suspicious.
"Something else?" he asks, politely passing over my sudden outburst of Crazy. "Well, we're stuck in a hospital so I'm thinking we could either spend the afternoon watching soaps or we could play a game."
"A game? What kind of game?"
"Well I brought a deck of cards." I start to shake my head, more in surprise then anything else, as Finn pulls a package of cards out of his pocket. "Come on," he continues, clearing away the remains of the french toast from the little table by my bed. He slips the cards out of the box and begins shuffling them, never taking his eyes from me. "It'll be fun," he prompts with a smile.
"Alright," I say, still slightly shaking my head. "I'll play."
Derek
"Hello Dr. Shepherd!" I look up as a voice calls out my name. The voice sounds familiar, although I can't quite place it. But then I see his face, smiling eagerly as he walks up to me.
"Dr. Dandridge," I say, scooping up my stack of papers and starting to turn away. He can only be here for one possible reason. Meredith. She must want him here. She must still want Finn.
"I was wondering," he continues, stopping me before I can walk away. "Can you point me towards the cafeteria? Meredith wants ice cream, and she sent me out to find some. But it seems I've gotten lost. It's a very confusing building you have here."
"Yeah…it can be confusing," I say dryly, not actually agreeing with him at all. What does Meredith possibly want with someone so unbelievably thick that he fails to notice the large sign beside the elevators clearly labeling the way to both the cafeteria and the gift shop. "Easiest way is to cross back over the bridge, and take the elevators down to 1B. Then it's straight down the lefthand corridor."
"Right, thanks. Good seeing you Dr. Shepherd," he says with that infuriating grin of his. It's sort of…jolly almost, like the sort of smile that belongs on Santa Claus…not on an actual human being. It makes me hate him just a little bit more. He turns and starts to walk away, but before he gets far, I call out to him. I'm not sure what prompts me to, but I do, and the words spill out of my mouth before I can stop them.
"Meredith likes…Meredith likes the strawberry ice cream best." She does. Once, on our way home after a particularly long day, she made me stop at the grocery store just so that she could get more ice cream. She said George had bought the wrong flavor. Although, that was before she started going home with Finn and letting him buy her ice cream.
"Oh…" Finn turns back around, nodding his head. "Thanks man." His voice sounds wary and his grin has finally disappeared. "You know her pretty well, don't you?" he asks at last.
"Yeah," I say with a shrug of my shoulders. "I do." He's staring at me skeptically, as if trying to decide whether or not to speak, his eyebrows knit together in the center.
"Aren't you her boss?" he blurts out after a minute.
"I am."
"You're her boss, and you shared a dog?" he states incredulously. The way he spits the words out, I have a feeling this has been bugging him for some time. "You know her favorite flavor of ice cream, she never talks about you as Dr. Shepherd…always Derek, but you're her boss. Her married boss. Why do you know her so well?"
I sigh, shrugging my shoulders, as I say, "Meredith and I have been friends for a long time." I think I sound smug, but I can't help it. Because I do know her favorite flavor of ice cream, she does call me Derek, she kissed me last night when she woke up. Not the overgrown boy scout. So what if he's here now. It probably doesn't mean anything. She probably doesn't even want him here. He probably just came. That would be the sort of thing he'd do, march in unwanted with balloons and "Get Well" cards.
"Right…friends," he snorts, shaking his head. "What's really going on?" Well, Finn is persistent. I'll give him that. Ha…the stories I could tell him in answer to that…would probably all cause Meredith to flip out. Seeing as I like the fact that she's speaking to me again, I should really just keep my mouth shut.
"Our history is for Meredith to tell you, if she wants. It's not my place to," I finally say, simply returning to the pile of folders Finn distracted me from. "Now, excuse me Dr. Dandridge, but I have patients to see." He nods, a frown still firmly etched on his face, as I push past him and walk down the hall.
-----
After checking the OR board, and seeing that Bailey is currently in the middle of a three hour surgery, my feet just start to wander towards Meredith's room. It's not intentional. It never seems to be intentional with her. It's always this force that comes up and gets in the way of what I want to do, what I plan to do, what I know is right. I don't even know how to begin to describe it, to say it's a giant magnet seems freaking ridiculous, but it feels that way. It's this force that gets in the way of everything rational. It doesn't matter that Bailey, her boss, actually knows what's going on. It doesn't matter that Finn was here to see her this morning. It doesn't matter that my wife is no more then a floor or two away, it just doesn't matter at all. Because…she's Meredith. I just have to see her.
And so I walk down the long corridor of the fourth floor yet again, my pace quickening as I draw near to Meredith's room. A hundred scenarios flash through my mind; how she'll look up and say my name, smiling and telling me to sit down, how we'll finally have the chance to talk and figure out what all of this means, how she'll lean close to me (close enough so that I can smell her hair) and she'll brush her lips softly against mine.
But the blinds aren't closed, and I stop abruptly, halted by the scene that I can see through the slats. Meredith is sitting up in bed, her hair falling long and loose over her shoulders. And she's already smiling. She's not smiling because she's seen me, because she hasn't yet. No…she's smiling and laughing, and leaning forward to talk to someone sitting in the chair next to her bed. I can only see the back of his head, but the dark blonde hair is a dead giveaway. He is still here. Three hours later, and he's still here. Doesn't he have a job somewhere? He should be off saving some damn kitten, not sitting there next to her, leaning forward to brush her hair out of her eyes.
But he is, and Meredith is smiling.
I don't even hear the footsteps approaching from behind. I'm too busy watching Meredith, and trying to ignore the sudden sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Derek?" Addison's voice breaks into my mind, sounding mostly soft and gentle, with just the barest hint of an edge to it. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," I say, quickly turning away from the window. "Just thinking." She tilts her head to the side, peering through the slats at the sight of Meredith with Finn. She arches one of her eyebrows at me.
"About Meredith?" she asks.
"Meredith? Yeah...well I want to make sure she's alright."
"She'll be fine," says Addison, peering through the window and studying the two of them. "She's sitting up and talking, I'm sure she's fine."
"Right," I say, shrugging. "Still…" I have to actually stop myself from turning back around to look at her.
"Besides," continues Addison, cutting off my thought as a slight smile crosses her face. "Finn's with her. I'm sure he'd be out here getting a nurse if he thought she was behaving strangely at all." I just nod my head as I flip through the file I'm holding in my hands, waiting for her to give up and walk away down the hall again. Waiting for her to leave me free to go into Meredith's room.
But Addison doesn't walk away.
She just stands there and stares at me, while I focus intently on the papers in my hand to avoid staring at Meredith. "Derek…" questions Addison after a moment, her voice a soft, cautious breath.
I tilt my head to the side, looking at my wife. "What?" My response comes out harsh and annoyed, and Addison actually takes a step backward, away from me. When she finally speaks again, her tone is one of resolute, unnatural cheerfulness.
"Are you hungry? Do you want to go get lunch with me? I haven't had a chance to eat all day…" I sigh and start to shake my head. What I want to do is go in there and talk to Meredith.
"Addie…I'm not hungry. I've got stuff to do. I've…"
"Look at her Derek," she continues, the cheerfulness fading away as quickly as it appeared. "Really look at her."
But I don't look at Meredith. I'm too busy raising my eyebrows at Addison. I must have heard her wrong, because it sounds like she went from suggesting lunch to actually encouraging me to look at Meredith. "Look," she insists again. "She's smiling. Meredith doesn't smile a lot…" Well, apparently I'm not the only one who's noticed that. "But Derek, she's smiling now." I grudgingly turn back to the window, trying to ignore Addison's voice, but somehow it keeps seeping in. I nod, my gaze focusing once more on Meredith. Addison takes a shaky breath, and rests her hand against my arm, saying, "So what's going on…aren't you and I trying? Aren't we all friends? Don't we want her to be happy?"
"Of course," I say roughly. I want Meredith happy. Just not with that idiot Finn. I hate the sight of him with her. But Addison's still watching me expectantly, wanting more reassurance then what I just gave her.
Only…I can't give her any more.
I'm too distracted by the sudden feeling of my heart dropping down into my stomach. Everything flares white, hot and painful for a second as I watch Meredith scooting over to the far side of her bed. Scooting over to make room for him to sit down beside her.
"Fine," I blurt out, my tongue practically stumbling to spit out the word. "Fine…" I've linked my arm through Addison's and turned my back resolutely to the window before I even realize it. "Let's go have lunch."
-----
A/N - Wow, halfway through my second story, and I finally realize that if I put the author's note down here, I can actually comment on what happens in the chapter. It sure took me long enough! Anyway, this section took forever to write...I was dealing with a very uncooperative brain. But, it's finally done, so...yay! It was fun to write, because I love having the interns together...just took a long time. Plus there was no actual Mer/Der interaction in this chapter either because, well...Finn needed to return. Meredith hasn't ended things with him, so he's still around. And well, Finn makes Derek jealous. So, that said...there will be more of Mer/Der in the next chapter. Thanks so much for the lovely reviews. They seriously make writing this so much fun. I love each and every comment.
