A/N 1 - Okay, this chapter is long. Seriously long. Freakishly long. Long by my standards, which are fairly loooooong already. So, my apologies! Seriously. Anyway, about this chapter. This one picks up five days after Meredith leaves the hospital with Finn. Basically because Mer continues to alternate between denial and freaking out, trying with Finn and longing for Derek, while Derek continues to be jealous, want Meredith and hate Finn (but yet be a snippy bastard who doesn't actually do anything to fix that) for five whole days. And knowing my writing, if I were to cover all of that, I'd be at a thousand freaking pages before anything actually happened. Soo…leaping forward through time to stuff that is mucho more fun to write. Consult the previous two chapters for the gist of their issues. Anyway, this chapter is a little unusual in that Meredith and Derek don't tell completely separate parts of the story. His part overlaps with hers because there was some stuff in here I really wanted to show from both their POVs. However if you find it dull, just skim past the first half of Derek's stuff, and be comforted that this is the only chapter (I think) where they'll overlap. Wow…this is a long A/N. I'm seriously rambling. Okay, shutting up now. Here we go!

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Meredith

I think Derek and I have serious communication problems. That's the only logical explanation I can come up with for what's been going on. Normal, sane people who don't have communication problems probably do not walk around for five days straight speaking to each other only in clipped and bitter sentences. They also probably avoid shooting each other dark exasperated glares at every available opportunity. Derek and I, however? We're apparently very fond of all of the above. The only possible solution is that the two of us have serious communication problems. Well…either that or Cristina's right, and we really are playing a game of "watch me hurt you more." (As if I haven't been hurt enough by this whole thing.) Communication problems sounds nicer. Although, I think the sensible thing would be to actually talk, instead of continually pretending that prom and then my hospital room didn't happen. Especially since it's not exactly pretending when you walk around deliberately glaring at each other, because of the stuff you're pretending you don't need to talk about. But for some reason, we just keep trying to pretend.

Like I said…Derek and I have lots of problems.

Not that I care though. Derek's got Addison and I have Finn, so really, there isn't anything to discuss. It's a dead end. I should just focus on Finn, and his plans, and enjoying being with him.

"Meredith…Meredith, are you listening to me?"

"Huh?" Okay…I guess I'm not doing that great of a job of focusing on Finn. I smile, tucking my hair back behind my ears as I nod my head. "Yeah. I'm listening," I say, nodding apologetically. "Sorry."

"So, you think it's a good idea?" he asks eagerly, leaning forward to lay his hand on top of mine. Do I think what's a good idea?

"Umm…do I think it's a good idea," I echo, shifting in my chair. Well, I'm starting to think agreeing to meet Finn for drinks at Joe's after work wasn't such a good idea. I'm feeling too distracted for the thoughtful conversations he seems to be fond of having. "Yes," I agree hesitantly. I hope I didn't just agree to anything horrible, like mass-murder or starting another syphilis outbreak. Although…Finn's way too sweet for thoughts like that. And besides, he's practically beaming at me now. I must have agreed to something good.

"So you really want to come?" he continues. "Are you sure you can get the time off of work?"

"Umm," I say again, my voice a low uncomfortable whisper. "Time off work," I repeat slowly, glancing over at the bar. I wish it were possible to steal away to the bar for a second. This conversation would be a lot easier to get through if I had a shot of tequila…or two. But, the last time I did that I got dehydrated, and that's not even the point here. Finn is the point here. Finn, and apparently time off work to go somewhere? With him? Oh crap. What have I agreed to? This is why you pay attention, Meredith. "Umm…"

"It'd be fun. Probably a little dusty since it's been a few months since someone used the house, but there'll be sand and water and it's got this huge old porch…really beautiful. It's a great house."

"House?" Finn looks up at me, catching sight of the puzzled frown on my face.

"Unless it's too soon," he adds immediately, squeezing my hand. "I'd completely understand…I'm not trying to rush you or anything."

"Oh right," I say quietly. Well, he completely misunderstood my frown. "House?" I repeat, taking a long sip from my drink. I don't know why I ordered scotch. I hate the taste of it…well, except when it used to just be a faint lingering taste on Derek's lips. Then I think I loved it.

"Well it's my parents' house, they rent it out. But nobody's using it right now." I nod my head, slowly catching on. "Just think about it Meredith. I want to take you somewhere special."

"Right," I whisper, tracing the rim of the glass with my finger. I'm pretty sure Finn's still talking, but my attention is quickly fading away yet again, because the door to Joe's has just swung open to reveal Derek standing there. He glances over at me, even from across the room his eyes stand out, deep indigo and locking almost painfully with mine. But he turns away after a second, walking deliberately towards the bar, leaning forward to talk to Joe.

(I should really stop staring already.)

"Meredith?" questions Finn.

I blink, shaking my head. "Umm…yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking." I smile nervously at Finn, but my eyes seem to have a mind of their own. My gaze drifts back to Derek. Okay…it doesn't exactly drift. It swings straight back to Derek pretty damn fast. Ah look at that, he's ordering scotch too. At least he's not asking for tequila shots. If he starts doing that, the two of us are seriously going to need to take a trip over to psych. Commit ourselves…

"When did he get here?" asks Finn, a hint of anger in his voice as he interrupts my thoughts. He's glaring at Derek, having followed my line of sight to find him sitting at the bar.

"A few minutes ago," I say softly, shifting in my seat and turning back to Finn.

"Shouldn't he be with his wife?" says Finn tersely.

"Maybe he's waiting for her to get out of surgery, Finn." I sigh, shaking my head. "Maybe he just wants a drink. It's not like they're joined at the hip or anything." I take a long deep swallow from my glass, carefully avoiding looking at both Finn and Derek. For the past five days, Finn and I have danced careful circles around the subject of Derek and I. Only now…now, the air in the room suddenly feels way too tense. I have a feeling that all the careful circling is about to come crashing to a halt.

"Why are you defending him?" asks Finn, his voice uncharacteristically sharp.

"Defending him?" I echo, shaking my head. "I'm not defending him, I'm just saying that he doesn't have to be around Addison every single second of every single day."

"Right…" says Finn, as I suddenly feel the weight of Derek's eyes trained on me. I glance back at him, fighting the urge to shiver as his eyes bore into me. Finn's voice reaches my ears, blunt yet questioning, saying, "You want to tell me what's really going on Meredith?"

"Nothing," I say, nearly choking on the word, as I yank my attention back to him once more. "Nothing's going on." We sit in silence for a minute, my fingers clutching desperately at the glass I'm holding.

"But in the past," he finally prompts, almost gently. "You two have a history." It's not a question, just a statement, and I find myself nodding my head in agreement.

"We do. A…umm…" I stammer, fidgetting with a strand of my hair. "A pretty big history," I say at last. "We used to date back…back when I first started working at the hospital." Finn just nods his head, sipping slowly from his beer. "You don't seem surprised," I add hesitantly.

He shrugs. "It's not that surprising." He smiles at me suddenly, his hand tightening over mine. "He's the reason."

"The reason?"

"The reason you're scary and damaged."

"Oh…that," I say, smiling slightly at the phrase we made up. "Yeah, pretty much." I look up at Finn expectantly, waiting for him to say something. Only, he doesn't. He keeps watching me until the silence starts to grow too great, and I begin to talk again. Well, I think it's more rambling then talking, but at least it's breaking the silence. "Look," I say shakily. "Derek and I, we…we were a mistake. A huge mistake, a huge, incredibly stupid mistake. Because…he's married and my boss and I didn't know and seriously, the list goes on and on. But even if I could turn back time Finn, I would probably still make the same mistake…because well, he's Derek. And I know his name isn't any sort of explanation, and this probably isn't making any sense to you, and I'm sorry. But, I never said that I didn't come with baggage. Because I do. Come with it, I mean. And a lot of my baggage is Derek Shepherd. So I understand if you don't want to stay…I mean, I know it's a lot." "

"Right," says Finn, letting out a low whistle. I just spin my glass between my hands, avoiding his eyes and watching the liquid within slosh against the edges. "Do you?" he asks after a moment.

"Do I?"

"Want to stay?"

I glance back at Derek, who's glaring into the bottom of his glass, doing my best to ignore how simply looking at him is making my heart race. "Well, Derek's married," I say quietly. Right, as if that stopped me on prom night. As if that's ever stopped us. Still…it should. He's married, that's why everything's so angry and broken. "So yes," I hear my voice say. It sounds somehow distant, far away, not quite connected to me. "I want to try Finn. I need to try."

"Good." He smiles at me, once again squeezing my hand. "I want us to try too Meredith." God…seriously, why does he have to be so sweet? And why can't I keep from looking back at Derek? "But, I want to know," continues Finn, once again pulling on my attention. "Do you still love him?" Do I still love Derek? Why does he have to ask me this when Derek's sitting just on the other side of the room?

"No, of course not," I say flatly. Great. It sounds even more like a lie outloud then it does inside my head. "No," I continue, and before I realize it, I'm giggling and shaking my head. "No…if no means yes. Yes…a little, a lot," I stammer, dissolving into further giggles. If I were Finn, I would get up and run now. Run far, far away. This has to be a sign of mental instability. But he's still just sitting there…oh crap, I seriously need to pull myself together. This is embarrassing. "But I'm trying…" I finally gasp, straightening up and wiping my eyes dry. "I'm trying not to," I manage to say without laughing. "I'm trying to move on."

Finn nods again, apparently not at all bothered by my momentary insanity. "It takes time," he says quietly, his voice turning grave. "It takes time to move on. I know how difficult it is." Oh please, please, please do not bring up your wife now Finn. His dead wife and Derek Shepherd are not equivalent, and seriously, the comparison just makes me feel like that much more of a whore.

"Right. Time," I agree, hopefully cutting off his branch into grieving widower territory.

"I can give you time Meredith. I don't mind to, so long as I know you're really willing to try."

"I'm…I want…I…" I stammer, but I'm interrupted by the ringing sound of Finn's phone before I can cobble out the rest of a reply. He glances at the caller id before apologizing and flipping it open.

"Dr. Dandridge speaking," he says. "Yes, yes of course. No, don't worry about that. Just try and keep her calm, I'll be there soon. Yeah, I'm on my way." I look at him quizzically as he shuts the phone and immediately pulls his coat back on. "Remember when I took you to birth a horse?" he asks, smiling at me. I just nod. "Well, this one's carrying twins. I'm sorry, it's just that it's likely to be a difficult birth. I know we were in the middle of a pretty big conversation, but it's…" I hold up a hand, stopping him.

"I'm a doctor too, remember? You don't need to explain the rushing off to do things part to me. I get that."

"Do you want to come?" he asks, visibly relieved. "You were a lot of help last time, you know. And then we could pick this up, afterwards." I glance over at the clock, doing my best to avoid looking at Derek as I turn towards the bar. It's already 10:50, and George is staying at Callie's tonight. I honestly don't want to leave Izzie alone that much longer.

"Not tonight," I say apologetically. "I need to get home to Izzie, and I have to be up early, so…" I shrug, settling back in my seat as Finn stands up. He tosses a cautious glance over in Derek's direction.

"Do you want me to call you a cab or drop you off somewhere?"

"No…I'm gonna finish my drink first. I'll be fine, seriously. You just go save those baby horses."

"Okay," he agrees after a long moment, and before I realize what's happening, he's leaning towards me. "Just promise me you'll think about things Meredith. Us…the beach house…" I start to stammer a reply, but he bends forward, capturing my lips with his. It's not a long kiss, but it's fairly deep, and by the time we pull away my hand has somehow tangled itself up in his hair. "Don't say anything yet Meredith," he says softly, smiling at me as he straightens up once more. "Just think."

I nod mutely, staring after him as he walks out the door. Even after Finn disappears, I keep staring straight ahead. It was a good kiss, a very good kiss actually. Surprisingly good. I didn't know he could kiss like that. But my stomach is so twisted into knots that it hurts, and I can't look anywhere but straight ahead, because to glance to the side would bring my eyes straight to Derek.

And that would be unbearable.

I can feel the heat of Derek's eyes practically burning into me, but I can't meet them. I can't meet them because my stomach is twisted into a thousand knots and my head is spinning worse then it did right before I fainted. I can't meet them because somehow…kissing Finn just felt unexplainably like cheating on Derek.

So instead, I lift my glass, throwing every last remaining drop of my drink hard down my throat. Damn do I need tequila now, but that means going up to the bar. That means standing near Derek when I've just threaded my fingers through Finn's hair in the exact same way I used to pull Derek down to me. In the exact same way I pulled him down to me less then a week ago. I straighten up, still not meeting Derek's eyes, and walk on shaky legs to the only place I don't have to pass the bar to get to. I hurry down the tiny dim hallway at the back of Joe's, pushing open the door and stepping into the brighter (and thankfully empty) bathroom.

I have no idea what's going on here, but I'm pretty sure that if we don't find a way to stop it, all four of us are going to end up seriously broken. I lean against the sink, my head resting against the cool surface of the mirror as my breathing gradually slows down. (If only there was a way to stop loving Derek and start loving Finn.) I don't know just how long I've been standing here before the door opens. Maybe it's just been a minute, maybe it's been a whole freaking day. I don't know…I can't get my mind to slow down enough to measure things rationally. What I do know though is who opened the door. Even if I couldn't see his reflection in the mirror, I would still know. It's just the way my life seems to work.

"This is the women's washroom, Derek," I say as coldly as possible as I cross my arms over my chest. He's glaring at me through the mirror, hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket, his eyes dark and, for the lack of a better word…smoldering. Yeah, he's pretty much smoldering.

"Where'd Finn go?" he asks, ignoring my comment. Seriously? He came all the way into the bathroom to ask me where Finn went? Sometimes Derek is seriously unbelievable.

"I don't know," I say, waving my hand in frustration. "Some sort of vet emergency."

"Vet emergency," he echoes, his tone mocking as he smirks at me through the mirror.

"Derek, don't," I say angrily. He doesn't get to make fun of Finn when he's the one stalking me into the washroom. We fall silent for a moment, just glaring at each other's reflections, until finally Derek sighs, shifting his weight towards me.

"Meredith." That's all he says, breaking the silence with just the three syllables of my name. But the sound is harsh and pained, and it forces my breath past my lips in a low hiss. "Meredith…why are you with him?" Well, I guess he's skipping the small talk tonight and just jumping right in. "Why is this happening to us?"

"Seriously Derek?" I spit out, whirling around to face him. Where does he get off speaking in that bruised voice as if this is all something that has been done to him? How can he think he has the right to ask me why? I bite down hard on my lip because suddenly the desire to scream at him is unbelievably huge. I draw in a ragged breath as I shake my head in disbelief. "Seriously?" I stammer, nearly stumbling over the word.

"Yes, seriously," he says, walking closer to me, so close that I have to tilt my head back to keep looking into his eyes. "Why Meredith…why? Why are you doing this to me?" He shakes his head slightly, his blue eyes growing darker and darker as he leans against the stall door, his body poised just inches from mine. "Why are you killing me like this?" he asks, his voice catching slightly. I close my eyes, unable to look into his any longer. "Mer," he pleads, as if he's the only one who's hurting here. As if being away from him doesn't hurt me. As if watching him choose his wife didn't kill me.

"Because," I snap, my anger suddenly boiling over as my eyes flare open again. I reach out, grabbing his hand and holding it up between us. "Because of this Derek. Because of this freaking ring."

I must have been shouting because the silence that follows my words is deafening. We stare wordlessly at his hand, our eyes trained on the thick gold band wrapped around his fourth finger. We're only a few inches apart, but we might as well be at opposite ends of the earth. Seriously, it's ridiculous how insurmountable this teeny tiny ring suddenly feels.

"So don't you dare ask me why Derek," I say at last, my voice coming out surprisingly calm and even. I drop his hand and turn back towards the mirror. "Go back to your wife," I continue quietly, even as my heart is screaming for him to stay exactly where he is. "You chose her."

"No…" I hear Derek take a deep shaky breath, his lips almost touching the back of my head. "No," he repeats again, his voice growing stronger. "I can't go back. I don't choose her."

"You can and you did," I say flatly. Why do we have to do this? Why does he have to be so close to me, so completely everything when I'm trying my hardest not to care. I screw my eyes shut, willing the tears that I can feel threatening me not to fall. Willing Derek to just go away.

But he doesn't.

His hand reaches out, wrapping around my waist. "I can't," he whispers, the sound almost lost in my hair. "I can't Meredith." I can feel his fingers burning against the sliver of bare skin between the end of my sweater and the start of my jeans, as he draws me closer to him. I bite my lip, trying not to say anything, but I think I'm actually whimpering here. Seriously, why does he have to touch me? Why can't he just leave? I'm not exactly known around the hospital for my amazing selfcontrol and willpower. "Not anymore," he continues, his voice so soft and low that it has me actually gasping for breath. "I love you Meredith. I love you too much to go back."

"No…" I stammer, twisting away from him. I have waited months to hear him say that. I have had countless dreams about him telling me that he loves me. I have imagined this moment more times then it's healthy to admit. He doesn't get to use that now. I shake my head frantically. "No, no, no." I search Derek's face, but I can tell he's not lying. And so I just keep backing up and shaking my head, until I've pressed myself up against the hard edge of the sink. "No," I say again, the word falling from my lips over and over until it doesn't even seem to have a meaning anymore.

"I do," Derek insists earnestly, apparently thinking my "no" is one of disbelief. "I swear I love you Meredith. I know I've been stupid, I know I should've said this months ago. But please, you have to believe me. You have to believe that I love you."

"No Derek, no. You don't get to say that. Not now." I shake my head. He looks suddenly blurry, which I'm pretty sure means that I've lost the battle with my tears and started crying.

"Why?" he asks warily, sounding more then a little hurt.

"Because I am trying," I gasp. "I am trying to move on. I am trying not to care. I am trying to hate you here." All I can hear is my voice shrieking and echoing inside my head. I'm not sure if I'm screaming or just sobbing, but it doesn't really matter. This is all just too much. Everything hurts and everything feels like it's breaking. "You don't get to use that now," I plead bitterly, my fist hitting his chest in frustration.

The next thing I know is the feeling of Derek's lips, pressing hard against mine, silencing my argument. It's hot and painful and unbelievably angry, and even though I know my lips are going to be swollen and practically bruised from this, my hand snakes up into his hair, deepening the kiss even further. We stagger backwards until I'm once again pressed against the sink, the cold porcelain digging into the backs of my thighs as the warmth of Derek's body presses against my front.

But he pulls away suddenly, unexpectedly, to look into my eyes. I'm clinging to him tightly to keep from toppling over into the basin of the sink, and as he feels me shift, his hand drifts down to my hips, holding me steady. "Say that," he whispers softly, before kissing me again. "Say that…you don't…need Finn…" he continues, punctuating his words with more kisses until I'm practically shivering in his arms. "Meredith…say it's still me…say you still…love me…" Derek's eyes never look away from mine as his lips brush against my skin over and over.

"I…" My voice trembles into his mouth, and he pulls away again to listen to me. And, oh my god, everything within me is screaming, "Say it." But I close my eyes, and turn my face away from Derek's. "I won't say it," I stammer, my voice sounding soft and shaky and barley more then a whisper. "I won't say it because I can't love you. You're not mine to love." I slide my hand out of his hair, pulling away to try and stop the tears that are flowing freely down my cheeks. "Stop doing this to me Derek," I hiss, shaking my head and finally meeting his eyes once more. "Please stop…" I think I'm begging, staring up into his eyes through a bleary pool of tears. I really shouldn't beg, but at this point, I can't think of anything else to do.

"I'm going to leave Addison," Derek says suddenly, reaching out and wiping away my tears. "Don't cry Mer…I'm going to sign the papers." His lips press against my damp skin, and I just blink at him in disbelief. "I'm going to make everything right Meredith, I swear. Just give me the chance to fix things."

"You're going to sign the papers?" I echo hollowly, not quite daring to trust the statement.

"I am," he insists, straightening up and settling me down on the edge of the sink. "We still have them. They're still good. Meredith, all I need to do is sign them."

I bite my lip, shaking my head as I say, "I've heard that before Derek. Why should I believe you? Give me a reason to believe."

"Why should you believe me? Why?" he echoes, running a hand through his hair. "Because…I didn't understand the first time. I didn't know how much I was going to lose by leaving you. I was an idiot. I thought it would pass." He shakes his head, laughing bitterly. "I thought I could get over you. But Meredith, Meredith…I can't get over you. You're everything." I just stare at Derek blankly, not giving him anything. They're only words. Beautiful words, but they're still only words. I'm not trusting them this time. I refuse to. Derek studies my silent face, sighing as he once more runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

He looks down abruptly, turning away from me, his face stony and unreadable. And this is almost as bad as "She's my wife." This is almost as bad as those three words because he's not looking at me, and I suddenly can't read his face at all. But before I start to slip once more, Derek's hand has grabbed mine and is lifting it upward, deftly uncurling my fingers and pressing my palm flat.

"Believe me Meredith," he whispers, looking straight into my eyes. And I gasp out loud because suddenly I can read him again, and suddenly there is a reason. It's cold and small, a hard weight resting in the center of my palm, and it's a reason.

Slowly I tear my eyes from his, still fighting disbelief the whole way down. Fighting it until I can't anymore, because I see it. Because I'm holding it.

And now, I have to believe, because I'm holding Derek Shepherd's wedding ring in my hand.

Derek

This is hardly how I imagined my evening turning out, pressed up against Meredith in the cramped and dingy bathroom at the back of Joe's. It's not really the sort of outcome I normally expect when I stop to get a drink after work, especially since Meredith and I have hardly said a single non-medical word to each other since Bailey almost walked in on us. It's just that…he kissed her. He kissed her. He kissed her…Meredith. My Meredith, in front of me. And I honestly don't know how I managed to not get up and hit him.

It's not that I'm a jealous man. At least, I never thought I was. I don't get jealous. Not once in eleven years of marriage have I actually felt jealous. After tonight, I may have to rethink that statement. Because somehow, I'm in here, where I really shouldn't be. I've got four sisters, they've explained to me that a bathroom is more then just a bathroom to women. I could practically hear each of their voices inside my head, yelling at me to turn around the second that I started to push open the door. But I didn't listen. I couldn't. The thing is, there's a voice in my head that's louder then my sisters'. A voice that screams at me that Finn can't have Meredith, that he can't possibly need her as badly as I do, that I'm letting her slip away from me. And so I'm standing here, just staring at Meredith as she glares at me, her eyes dark and green and angry as she yells about Addison, insisting that I've already chosen, insisting that I should just go back to her.

"I can't go back," I say once Meredith calms down enough for me to get a word in. She's turned her back to me, but I find her eyes in the mirror, insisting, "I don't choose her." And I know I did before, but right now that doesn't matter. Right now, my mind can barely even hold on to the thought of Addison as my wife.

"You can and you did," she hisses, her voice suddenly soft and almost deathly quiet. Meredith closes her eyes, turning her face from me, so that the reflection I'm staring at is only her profile, half obscured by the loose sheet of her hair. She pulls her arms protectively over her chest, and although she doesn't move, I can practically feel her drawing away from me and into herself.

"I can't," I whisper again, my lips pressing into her hair as I speak. She still smells like lavender. She's always smelled like lavender. "I can't Meredith." And I seriously can't. I know my marriage has been nothing but shit for awhile, but it suddenly feels stone cold dead. I can't go back to that. Not when Meredith is here in front of me, so warm and familiar, even as everything else feels like it's unraveling. Not just unraveling, but falling apart so quickly and so completely that I can't begin to control it. Hell, I can't even begin to figure it out. But somehow my hand's found Meredith's waist, pulling her back towards me. She flinches almost imperceptibly before letting her head fall back to rest against my shoulder, her eyes still screwed resolutely shut. "I love you Meredith," I say softly. "I love you too much to go back."

That gets her eyes to open. Okay, I'll admit not exactly in the way I was hoping for. They're wide and frantic, and staring straight at me as she whirls around and backs towards the sink. Meredith shakes her head, just stammering "no" over and over again. I know I haven't said it before. And considering that the one time she told me she loved me, I went off and chose my wife, well…we probably don't have the best track record with this phrase. Still, I love her. Oh god, I love her. But even as I apologize and explain and insist that I love her, she just keeps shaking her head.

"No Derek, no. You don't get to say that. Not now."

And suddenly my heart has dropped down into my stomach. I don't care that I'm a doctor and that's medically impossible, it's freaking dropped. Because she was just kissing Finn. Not simply letting him kiss her, but pulling him down to her, kissing him back. Maybe there really is such a thing as too little, too late…maybe she has finally just given up on me.

Somehow I manage to speak, asking, "Why?" The word sounds hollow and unnatural, and I shift my weight anxiously, trying to read something behind the veil of tears hiding Meredith's face.

She just shakes her head, taking a shaky breath. Her voice starts out low and gasping, but quickly crescendos upward, until she's shouting as she falls against me. "I am trying to move on! I am trying not to care! I am trying to hate you here! You don't get to use that now!" Meredith's eyes are bright and bitter, and she seems caught between screaming and struggling to breath as her hand smacks against my chest, pushing me away.

I shouldn't be smiling, but I can't help it. At least this means there's still hope. At least this means super vet hasn't completely won her over. If Meredith would just stop yelling for a second… But she doesn't, and so I lean forward, kissing her as hard as I can to silence her. I'm expecting her to pull away, and resume telling me that I'm an ass she's trying really hard to hate here.

Only Meredith doesn't do that either.

She just reaches upward, her hand tangling into my hair, and yanking me towards her hard. Much harder then necessary. I groan, but not completely in protest, as she pulls us roughly backward until we slam against the sink. Apparently she's found the way to continue her argument wordlessly because her kisses are hard and biting, her point perfectly clear. And god…if she was anyone else, I wouldn't hesitate to plow straight ahead for some seriously angry bathroom sex. Just worry about talking later. But she isn't just anyone. She's Meredith, and so I pull away, bracing myself against the mirror as I look into her eyes. Something's different, but before I can figure out just what it is, Meredith gasps, losing her balance as I pull away from her. Her fingers suddenly cling tightly to my neck. As my hand moves instinctively to steady her, I realize what's different. The anger in her eyes has already dulled. It's dulled, faded, almost completely gone out. Instead she just looks cautious.

"Meredith," I murmur, leaning down to kiss her again. Soft, not hard like before, barely more then a whisper of skin against skin. "Say that you don't need Finn," I plead, my lips brushing against hers as I speak. But the caution in her eyes just deepens, even as she's clinging to me. And so I keep kissing her, unwilling to pull away, until finally I feel her tremble, her lips hesitantly meeting mine. "Say you still…love me…" I continue, letting my hand run through the long loose strands of her hair. "Mer…" I plead once more, my lips traveling down her neck and then slowly back up to find her mouth again.

"I," begins Meredith suddenly, her voice faint and shaky. "I won't say it. I won't say it because I can't love you. You're not mine to love." Her voice cracks and (before I have time to prepare myself for it) tears suddenly spill unchecked, causing her eyes to glisten and her cheeks to grow sleek and shiny. "Stop doing this to me Derek," she continues, her shoulders shaking as much as her voice, as she raises a hand to brush away some of her tears. "Please stop…"

I don't think I've ever felt like more of an asshole. It's not that she's crying exactly. I'm a doctor, I get people collapsing into tears around me more often then you might expect. And I've dealt with Addison crying many times. Back when we were interns, and Richard entrusted her to save a doomed patient, well after that baby died…I think I held her for a good three hours before she finally cried herself to sleep. I've even been around Meredith before when she's been crying. But this…this is different. This is entirely because of me. The woman I love is sobbing almost hysterically, and it's all my fault.

And suddenly the decision I have been agonizing over for months is made. It's over. It's done. Everything is decided in an instant, and I know what I have to do. "I'm going to leave Addison," I say, the words practically spilling out of my mouth. Anything to stop the agony of watching Meredith cry like this. "I'm going to sign the papers. I'm going to make everything right Meredith, I swear. Just give me the chance to fix things." I reach out, wiping away her tears until she finally stops breathing in ragged gasps, and simply stands there, watching me warily.

"You're going to sign the papers?" she asks. Of course I am. Thankfully Addison and I never threw them out. They're still tucked in a bottom of a drawer at the trailer. That really ought to have been a sign, a clue from day one. When you both agree to hold onto the divorce papers, things probably aren't going to work out in the end. But before I get halfway through reassuring Meredith that I am completely serious, she's interrupting again, still shaking her head in disbelief. "Give me a reason to believe," she demands quietly.

A reason? If anyone deserves a reason, it's Meredith. I shake my head, trying to figure out how to explain to her what I feel. If I could just find a way to fit her inside my heart, she would understand that there's no way I can go home tonight and not sign the papers. "Why should you believe me?" I begin quietly, restating her question for her. "Why? Because…I didn't understand the first time. I didn't know how much I was going to lose by leaving you. I was an idiot. I thought it would pass." I laugh in disbelief, choking on the idea of ever getting over Meredith. Operating blind would actually be easier. But even as I insist, even as I tell her she is everything to me, I can sense that it's not enough. Her eyes are empty and uncertain, and she's this close to pulling away again. And so without the actual papers in hand to prove to her that I am serious, I go for the next best thing. Without really thinking, I reach down and yank off my wedding ring. I pull Meredith's hand towards me, uncurling the small clenched fist, and forcing the gold circle she'd held up between us to lie forsaken in the center of her palm.

"Believe me Meredith," I insist, not taking my eyes from hers even as she looks away to study the ring resting in her hand. She just stares at it for a long time, her mouth hanging slightly open. But finally, she raises her head again, and nods.

"I believe you Derek," she whispers.

"You do?" I ask. My eyes actually start to brim with tears, and I think I'm practically grinning as she nods again. I know that later I'll have to talk to Addison. Later things will be sad. Later the past eleven years will be ending. But this? Right now? This is a beginning. "So you do still love me," I say, smiling down at Meredith.

She actually rolls her eyes at me, pausing to wipe away the last of her tears before speaking. "God you're conceited Derek. Would I be such a mess right now if I didn't?" She laughs at my expression, smirking and pressing her hand against my chest as she says, "Of course I still love you."

"I love you too," I echo, stepping closer to her.

"So I've heard." Her voice is still faint and a little bit shaken, but there's a definite smile beneath her words. I just grin at her some more, kissing the top of her nose before straightening up.

"I'm sorry," I begin, my voice turning serious. "About…everything." I lift my arms out helplessly, not even knowing where to begin.

"So am I." She reaches out, her finger pressing against my lips to silence me. "We have more then enough to apologize for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. Derek, seriously we could apologize for a whole year here." I'm not sure what she possibly has to apologize for, but her finger is still pressed firmly against my lips, keeping me from speaking. "So right now, before we walk back out the door and have to actually start apologizing, for now…can we please just be happy?" She pulls her hand away from my mouth cautiously, as if expecting me to disagree with her and insist on a long drawn out apology right now. I just nod, leaning forward and kissing her again.

I think I hear the faint sound of my wedding ring falling to the ground, but I can't really care about that now because I can feel Meredith smiling as I kiss her.

"Derek?" she gasps, pulling away after a moment. My lips feel suddenly cold without her mouth against mine.

"Happy?" I ask hopefully, my eyes still trained on her lips.

She grins but shakes her head, saying, "We should wait." It sounds practical, but it's not quite a statement. It's more of a question, and Meredith's smiling as she speaks, her fingers looped tightly through mine.

"We should," I agree, stepping closer.

"You should talk to Addison first," she continues.

"I should."

I nod my head, but neither of us are moving away at all. She's still staring up at me, her eyes practically laughing as our mouths inch closer and closer until suddenly they're back together again. This time Meredith doesn't pull away, just reaches up to tangle her hands in my hair as we stumble backwards, pressing up against the wall. She fits so perfectly against me that I don't know how I ever settled for kissing anyone else. My hands drift down to her waist, finding the hem of her sweater and working it easily up her body. Meredith laughs, smiling as she pulls away from me slightly, her arms raised over her head as I peel off the sweater and toss it onto the floor. Clad now in just a tank top and her jeans, she starts to lean back into me, but halts halfway before our lips meet, her eyes instantly clouding over and turning gray.

"Meredith?" I question, reaching out to smooth a stray strand of her hair into place. But even as I move to touch her, she shies away, curling against the wall. I frown at her, my eyes searching her face for a clue, but she seems almost frozen. "Mer…baby, what's wrong?"

"Don't," she hisses immediately, her voice barely more then a whisper. Her skin has turned ashen and I suddenly realize she's not staring at me, but over my shoulder. Meredith clears her throat, her lips trembling visibly, before she tries to speak again. "Derek…umm…" she stammers, shaking her head. "There's someone here to see you." My stomach clenches instantly as Meredith slips completely out of my arms, kneeling down to grab her sweater.

I don't know why this has to happen now, after everything. But it is happening, I'm completely certain of that. And I can't keep staring at the wall for much longer.

So I heave a ragged sigh, turning around to focus on the motionless figure standing in the doorway, her name coming reluctantly to my lips.

"Addison…"

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A/N 2 - So, this chapter was brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Mer/Der-catalyst, Finn Dandridge. He was a wee bit bolder this chapter. I almost found myself liking him for a moment, which freaked me out a little. Anyway, I don't think of him as normally being particularly bold, but Mer had just said that she still loved Derek, and he was leaving her alone in a bar with him, so he threw in a little bit of Finn-woo with the smooching.

Mer/Der, well...I did say there would be a lot of it. Hopefully you guys didn't mind the overlapping POVs. I tried to make them as different as possible while still being the same so that it wouldn't be too boring.

And Addison at the end? Now she gets her own taste of just what it might have been like for Derek to catch her with Mark. And well, Mer/Der were being stupid hooking up in the bathroom of a bar everyone they know goes to. So yes, they got caught by the wife…before he mentioned the whole I'm leaving you part. And now, angst and drama shall ensue!

Anyway, thanks so much for the reviews! I love them so much. They make me smiley. And I apologize for the length of this chapter, but I've been obsessing over it forever since it gave me the idea for the story, and well…it got long. Even the A/N got long. Next chapter will shrink down to normal size I believe. Now that you've read, please review!