A/N 1 - Whew...long time no update. Real life has caught up with me, and has been keeping me seriously busy. But I had all of today free, and so I sat and just wrote and wrote. Hee...it was fun. Hopefully, you guys will like this chapter! Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading and reviewing this story. Your kind comments keep me motivated to finish it! So please, read away and review.
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Meredith
"So what exactly are we doing in your closet?" calls Cristina, peering around a tangled clump of jeans and sweaters. She frowns at me, but I just roll my eyes and keep digging deeper through all the stuff. "Seriously Meredith," she insists, sinking down to sit on a pile of old sweatshirts.
"I already told you," I say, pulling a red dress off a hanger and holding it up to me. "What do you think?"
Cristina raises an eyebrow. "Umm…no."
"No?"
"No. Unless you want McDreamy to think you really are a whore." I frown at Cristina and hold the dress out at arms length. Okay…maybe it is a little bit trashy. The fact that I haven't worn it since college might have something to do with that. But still, I'm running out of possibilities here.
"That bad?" I ask, sighing and sinking down beside her on the floor.
"No. That streetwalker."
I ball up the dress and toss it into the increasingly wrecked back half of my closet. "Cristina…" I moan, hitting my head against the wall. "I brought you here to help me."
"Yeah, I still don't know why." Well, because I don't go on dates. At least, I didn't. You don't really need to wear anything special when you're planning to kick the guy out of your house the next morning.
"Because I don't date. I don't know what to wear."
Cristina sighs, sounding very exasperated. (Bad, bad person.) I just glare at her. "Well what did you wear when you dated Derek before?" she finally asks.
"Anything. I just wore whatever I'd been wearing all day. Besides, we were usually naked."
"So just go naked," she says immediately. My eyebrows shoot straight up, and before I can get out an exasperated "Cristina!" she adds, "I'm sure he won't mind."
"That's not the point," I say, starting to feel a little bit panicked. I am going to have no choice but to wear the Trashy McHooker dress from junior year at Dartmouth, and Derek is going to realize I don't dress up anywhere near as nicely as his wife does. I mean, ex-wife. Crap. I really need to get the hang of that. Addison equals ex. "It's not fair," I continue, shaking my head. "I don't know how she does it. All the stylishness, and the perfect hair, and shoes that freaking match her freaking purse. It's just not fair Cristina. It's seriously not fair."
"Huh?" she asks, slipping off her clogs and trying on a pair of my boots. "Who?"
"Addison. I mean, whatever she's wearing right now is probably ten times nicer then every single thing in my closet." I pull a black skirt off the floor, dangling it in front of us for a second. It's very…librarian. Actually, I think I wore it for a med school interview. Five years ago. "I need new clothes," I moan, tossing the skirt back onto the heap. I'm not exaggerating here. I do need new clothes. I can't even remember the last time I went shopping. Addison probably manages to go shopping between surgeries.
"Mer." I shake my head and kick at the pile of old ugly clothes with the tip of my toe. "Mer," repeats Cristina. "He left Addison for you. He's not going to go running back to her because he suddenly discovers that you wear J. Crew and Addison wears Prada. Derek just doesn't care."
"But he asked me out to dinner. He wants it to be a fancy thing."
"To do something nice for you," she says very slowly, taking her time with each word, as if she's afraid I've somehow lost my grip on the English language. Ugh, she is useless. Bad Cristina, bad. "If you showed up in sweats and old flip-flops, he'd still look at you all gooey-eyed. It's pathetic."
"Come on," I plead, leaning back against the wall. "I'm freaking out here." Cristina just stares at me for a second before climbing to her feet. Without a word, she begins to barrel through the hangers, knocking several winter coats to the floor. "Cristina?" I ask, following suit and standing up as well. She ignores me, pulling out a light purple dress and holding it up to me. "I should wear that?" I ask skeptically. It's an old bridesmaid dress. Very frilly.
Cristina is emphatic. "No." Okay…I guess not then.
Twenty minutes and one completely emptied closet later, Cristina is pushing a dress into my arms and shoving me back out into the room. I stand in front of the mirror, frowning at the dress. It's a deep indigo, almost the color of Derek's eyes. (That's got to be a good sign.) It's made of something soft and sleek, maybe satin? I've never been good with fabrics. "Yeah?" I ask, looking at Cristina. She's already flopped down on my bed, one of my old, dog-eared medical journals in her lap.
"Obviously," she says without glancing up. "I picked it out, didn't it?"
"Mmhmm…" I mumble, still staring at myself. "You don't think it's too…I dunno…too something?"
"No Mer. It's hot."
"Hot?" I echo. Cristina sighs, and finally looks up.
"Yes Meredith. You'll look hot. Shepherd will be all hot for you in it. It's a hot dress, deal with it."
"Okay…" I agree reluctantly. It is a nice dress. I don't remember why I bought it, but I know I've never worn it before. I sigh and shake my head, setting the dress down and pacing across my room. The floor's like a minefield, and I nearly trip over two pairs of jeans before settling down beside Cristina on the bed.
She sighs again, raising an eyebrow at me. "What's wrong now?" she asks.
"Nothing…it's just…no, it's nothing." Somehow, Cristina manages to raise her eyebrow even higher. It's a real skill she's got there. "I mean, we survived his wife right? We can survive dinner." Cristina groans and nods her head.
"Meredith, you have had countless meals with Derek. The two of you will be cute enough to make me ill. You'll drink too much wine, and then have sex on the hood of his car." She smirks at me, practically laughing out loud as she flips through an article on nerve repair. "No different then normal," she adds. Yeah…I never should have told her about the car thing. Actually, Derek and I need to do the car thing again. Soon, like tomorrow night. (Maybe dinner won't be so bad…) "Seriously Meredith," continues Cristina, her voice cutting through my thoughts. "Why are you acting like Bambi over this?" Oh, poor George. And, I am not acting like George. George and I? Very different people. But before I can answer and protest the comparison, the sound of the doorbell and muffled voices downstairs fills the air.
"Meredith!" calls a voice from the foot of the stairs.
"George?" I shout back, pushing myself to my feet. I walk over to the door, opening it and leaning out into the hallway. "What is it?" I call.
"Someone's here to see you."
"Who? Is it Derek?" I call back to him. I grin, shaking my head. Now that Cristina's reminded me of the car thing... "Just tell him to get his ass in my bedroom already." I turn back around, wanting to hide the dress somewhere in the ruins of my closet so Derek won't see it. But before I take a step, George makes an uncomfortable noise that pretty much freezes me in place.
"Umm…it's Finn, Meredith." Judging by the sheer quantity of awkward in his voice, I'm guessing that Finn is standing right next to him. Crap.
"Oh…" I say quietly, as Cristina hops off the bed. She's grinning like she's just been told she can scrub in on a hemispherectomy. Glad to know my love life is so amusing.
"What about that Mer?" she asks, walking over to me. "Should he get his ass in your bedroom too?"
"Umm…" I stammer. "Umm George," I continue, remembering that he's probably still standing at the foot of the stairs with Finn. "Tell him I'll be right down," I call before turning to look at Cristina. "What do I do?" I hiss.
"I'm guessing this is the part where you break up with the vet."
"I know that," I say, shaking my head. "But what should I say? He's so nice…and he was going to take me to his beach house, and…"
Cristina just snorts, cutting me off with a very pronounced smirk. "Seeing as he just heard you tell George to send McDreamy up to your little love nest, I'm guessing you've got your work cut out for you." I groan and run a hand through my hair. Somehow, I think telling Finn that I'm going to go shower, and that he should be gone by the time I get back, just isn't going to cut it this time.
"Fine," I mutter, zipping up my sweater and heading towards the stairs. Sure enough, there's Finn - hands shoved into his pockets, frown fixed clearly on his face.
"Finn!" exclaims Cristina, barely containing her delight as she follows me down the staircase. "Long time no see."
"Yeah," he agrees, his eyes remaining trained on me. He's still frowning, and his voice is pretty clipped. I think this is the closest thing to angry I've ever seen Finn achieve.
"Finn…hi," I began, smiling hesitantly at him. "Umm…how are you?"
"Fine." He's practically pouting, and I'm almost completely sure that Cristina is rolling her eyes right now.
"Umm Finn…" I try again, shooting a pointed look at George. Cristina is way too amused to give up her perch on the stairs, but maybe…maybe George will take the hint and drag her and himself far far away for this.
"So, coffee," declares George, snatching Cristina's hand and pulling her to her feet. She looks as if she's about to slap him, but follows reluctantly into the kitchen. Oh George, I love you. Seriously. The guy's my hero tonight. They disappear from sight, and over the low murmur of their voices and the opening and closing of cabinets, I turn back to Finn.
"We…we need to talk," I say, looking up at him.
"Yeah. I guess we do."
"You're a really nice guy Finn." I begin quietly. I try to smile, but he's still staring at me with his disappointed frown. "A really nice guy," I repeat, shaking my head. I have seriously no idea how to do this. Maybe…good qualities? Yeah…people like to hear about their good qualities. That should help soften the blow. "And you're kind," I continue. "Kind and sweet, and really good with animals. And you're funny, and well…you're just a great guy."
"Meredith," interrupts Finn.
"Yeah?"
"It's okay. I know what you're trying to do."
"You do?" I echo, raising my eyebrows.
"Yes Meredith. You couldn't stop staring at him in the bar last night, you expect it to be him when the doorbell rings. I get it Meredith. I came over to see if you'd made up your mind about taking a weekend off with me, and it's pretty clear what you've decided. So I'm going to make it easy on you and just leave." I open my mouth to say something, but before I can, Finn's already turned around and walked out the door.
"Ouch," says Cristina, emerging from the kitchen.
"Were you two listening?" I ask. George manages to look sheepish and mumble an apology, but Cristina just resumes her commentary.
"I didn't know McBoring had it in him." I sigh and shake my head at them, grabbing a sweatshirt from one of the hooks by the door and pulling it on as I walk outside.
"Finn," I call, hurrying down the steps and towards his car. It's already dark outside, but I can make out the glint of his keys as he shoves one into the lock on the car door. "Finn, please," I insist, pulling the hood of the sweatshirt up as protection against the surprisingly cold wind. I squint up at the inky sky for a second. We've probably got about three minutes until the rain starts and we're both drenched to the bone.
"What Meredith?" he asks, sighing and straightening up to look at me. I don't really know what… I just…I wanted a better ending then this.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm really sorry. I wanted us to be happy and…but…" I shrug again, biting my lip.
"But you'd rather be with your married lover," he finishes for me, shaking his head.
"No," I blurt out, causing Finn's frown to deepen. "He's…umm…he's not married anymore," I continue, my voice growing softer. "He's getting a divorce."
Finn laughs almost bitterly, his hand coming down hard against the roof of the car. "And with that, my edge over the brain surgeon is lost."
"It's not like that," I stammer, shaking my head. "It's just that, well…he's Derek." I shrug, feeling a little bit helpless. Because he is Derek. Cheesy as it is, he's my McDreamy. "I love him. We…he and I, we have to give this thing a shot. If we don't, I'm always going to be wondering about what could have been. And…that's hardly healthy." I smile hesitantly at Finn. He doesn't quite return my smile, but he nods his head.
"Okay," he says quietly, pulling his jacket a little bit closer against the wind. I was right, raindrops are already starting to fall. "I get that Meredith. I'm just sorry that we didn't find each other at a different time, in different circumstances. I think…I could have really loved you." I close my eyes and look away. I'm not sure if it's just the rain or if I'm actually crying, but my cheeks suddenly feel far too wet. Finn leans down, pressing his lips to my forehead. "You should go back inside," he says quietly. "Before you get sick."
I nod my head and take a half step backwards, shoving my hands deep into my pockets. My feet are already soaking. "Goodbye Finn," I manage to say as he opens the door to his car.
"Goodbye Meredith," he agrees. I stand there in the rain, as Finn gets into his car and drives away. The taillights eventually vanish from sight, leaving me with nothing but the rain. For better or worse, it's now just Derek and I. Just us, trying to figure out a way to make this thing work. And seriously…I hope we can.
Derek
I hesitate outside the door. I really don't want to knock on it. I'd much rather turn back around and leave the hotel, maybe go to Meredith's, or just relax with a beer at the trailer. Standing here, in the pristine hallway of what has to be the fanciest hotel in all of Seattle, and trying to come up with something civil to say to my soon-to-be-ex wife, is not exactly my idea of a great evening. Still, Meredith deserves actual signed papers, and Addison and I probably owe each other an attempt at a conversation slightly more civilized then last night's shouting match. So, I raise my fist and knock heavily on the door. After a few seconds, it swings open to reveal a scowling Addison. She looks me up and down, shaking her head slightly.
"What do you want?" Her voice is acidic, and I'm half expecting the door to slam shut in my face.
"Brought the papers," I say simply, raising a manila envelope. "Figured you'd want to get me out of your life as soon as possible." She just frowns for a second, but then she nods and grabs the envelope, kicking the door open a bit wider for me as she does.
"And I'm sure the feeling's mutual," she calls over her shoulder as she leads the way into her hotel room. It's freaking huge. You could fit several of my trailer into the bedroom alone. Addison pulls her silk robe tighter before flopping down onto the enormous bed with the divorce papers in her lap.
"Wow Addison," I say, motioning at the room. "You really went all out."
"Yeah." She doesn't glance up, just slides the papers out of the envelope. "There's nothing like Egyptian cotton and 700 thread count sheets to help a girl forget her husband fucked a trashy…" She's halfway to saying 'whore' and I'm consequently this close to bringing up Mark again, when Addison suddenly does look up. "You know…forget it," she says, shaking her head. "Lets just sign the damn thing." I swallow the urge to argue that prom was hardly "fucking" and that Meredith isn't trashy, and settle for grabbing a pen off the table and thrusting it at her.
"Ladies first," I say. Addison glares at me, before continuing to look over the divorce papers.
"These are the exact same ones," she says quietly, uncapping the pen. "These are the ones I brought from New York."
"Yeah well…they were still at the trailer," I say with a shrug. Addison laughs slightly, a very tinny false sort of laugh. "They're still good," I continue.
"No," says Addison over her laughter. "It's just…one hell of a sign. We saved our divorce papers Derek. We saved them. Talk about a vote of confidence." Before I can reply, she's put pen to paper and is filling the page with her long scrawl of a signature. Without a word, she passes the papers to me. I just stare at the blank line with the tiny 'x' next to it, marking where I should sign. I lean against the table, my pen hesitating for a second. I know it was months ago that I was staring at these same papers, struggling to sign them, but suddenly it doesn't seem like that's in the past. It feels like it was only minutes ago, or even just a second before this one, and the contrast in emotions is staggering. Because, without even having to think about it, my hand is crossing over the page, signing my name. This time it happens easily. This time it actually happens. I'm staring down at the words 'Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd' and 'Derek Shepherd,' and there really is no turning back now. We've just ended the last eleven years of our lives, split one strand into two.
I turn back around to look at Addison, once more holding the papers out to her. "I'm sorry," I say quietly. I'm a little surprised that I'm apologizing. It's the last thing I thought would happen when I was standing outside her hotel room. But now…now I'm in here, and I can see her wedding rings laying discarded on top of the gigantic television. And if I stop glaring at Addison long enough to really look at her, I can see that she's been crying. "I'm so sorry that…" I pause once more, shaking my head. "That…everything we said to each other the night we were married… It ended up not being true."
"Yeah…" Her voice is barely a whisper, and she sits back up, staring at me. "I'm sorry too. I thought we'd last forever Derek," she says, her voice suddenly twisting with what I know is her effort to hold back tears. "That night, I dreamed how we would grow old and wrinkly together." She shrugs, sniffing slightly and pulling the back of her hand across her eyes.
"I know…I thought we'd make it too." I cross over and sit down beside her on the bed. "We changed, Addie. Not for the worse, just…not with each other." She lets out a sound that is halfway between agreement and a sigh. "And now…" I falter for a moment, but she picks up the thought for me.
"Now there isn't enough left," she says quietly. It's my turn to nod silently because she's right. There isn't enough left between us. There isn't enough love, there isn't enough of a connection, there isn't enough of anything left for the two of us to grow old and wrinkly together. Everything we once felt is firmly buried in the past. Her head falls against my shoulder, and my hand somehow reaches out to find hers. "I'm…" she begins hesitantly, her fingers suddenly digging tightly into my palm. Her voice is a whisper when she finally speaks again. "I'm sorry I cheated."
"Yeah," I say, letting my breath out in a low hiss. When we were first married, if I'd known what was going to happen, I never would've believed it. I thought we were better then screwing best friends and falling irreversibly for a tiny little intern. But we aren't. She slept with Mark, and I gave up on trying in favor of having Meredith in an exam room. "I'm sorry I did that too," I answer quietly, and Addison nods her head, her hair rustling against my shoulder, and her hand loosening its grip slightly. We sit like that for a long time, neither of us saying anything. There isn't much to say anymore, but neither of us move because this is the ending. It's like watching the last embers in a fire spark and go out, or that heavy poignant silence that fills hospital rooms when a family gathers to say goodbye to someone for the last time, and so we both just sit there. But eventually the fire always goes out, the flatline always comes, and Addison and I finally pull apart to look at each other.
"I guess this is over," she says with a slight sniffle.
"Yeah," I agree, pressing my lips to her forehead. "I guess it is." I sigh and stand up, the bed groaning slightly as I do. Addison follows me to her feet, pausing to pick up the divorce papers and slip them into her bag.
"I'll…I'll take them to the lawyer's, when I go…"
"When you go?" I echo, turning once more to look at her. Addison nods but doesn't meet my eyes, just rocks back slightly on her heels. "You're leaving?"
"Seattle's my past now Derek. My future needs to be somewhere else."
"I get that," I say gently, and Addison smiles, seeming visibly relieved.
"Yeah…" She shakes her head, laughing nervously. "Richard is probably going to kill me when I tell him I'm going back." She's going back? New York, of course. She always did love Manhattan, far more then I ever did.
I smile and shake my head, saying, "I'll hold him off. At least long enough for you to make your escape." Addison laughs again, nodding her head. When our laughter fades away, the room is too silent. I want to say something else, but I'm not sure how you say goodbye to the woman who was your wife. "Good luck Addie," I say at last, squeezing her hand. It sounds painfully lame, and before I realize it, I've added the words, "With Mark." She freezes for a second, and I'm pretty sure I've just made a mistake and launched us straight into one last argument. But then, Addison nods her head, and I realize that I guessed right.
"Thanks," she says quietly, pulling her hand back and slipping it into the pocket of her robe. "And good luck to you too with…" She hesitates again, and I'm half expecting her to say, "That trashy whore you seem to like."
Only, she doesn't.
We stand there staring at each other in silence until Addison finally swallows hard, biting on her lip. "With Meredith," she says at last, and averts her eyes.
"Thanks," I echo, my voice as quiet as hers. And finally, I'm leaving. We give each other one last smile, and then the door closes between us. There's nothing left to save here. As I stare out at the beautiful empty hallway, my fingers dial a familiar number on my phone. I blink back my tears, and press the ringing phone to my ear. She answers, and I find myself smiling at the sound of her voice.
Addison is my past. But Meredith, she's my future.
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A/N 2 - Okay, so Mer/Der was apart this chapter. I really wanted them both to have a chance to wrap up their other relationships. Meredith was a little bit sad, because as much as I can't stand Finn and find him to be a McBoring overgrown boy scout, he is a nice guy. A real great, nice guy. And if he and Mer had met under different circumstances (read in a world where she didn't know Derek) they probably could have loved each other and been happy. So I didn't want her to completely toss him away without even an attempt at an apology. And yeah, in this story Addison moves back to NY. I know it's different then what's happening on GA, but I like the idea that if she really wants Mark, she goes to him, and doesn't just ring him up for a transcontinental booty call! And there just seems to be way too much baggage and unhappiness for her to want to stay in Seattle (when it's not for the benefit of the show, obviously!). Because come on, she's totally a NY girl. And I wanted Addison and Derek to have a moment together where they realized their marriage was over, and they were able to be sad about that instead of simply shouting things the way they did at Joe's. So yeah, that was this chapter. Just one more to go. And, as opposed to this one, the final chapter will be pretty much nothing but Mer/Der. Thanks for reading!
