I apologize in advance for insulting tourists! Yes, I know we've all been one once.

In my case, at the souvenir shop were I work, I get asked, "What's an ulu?" ten times a day. . . Tourists need to learn. Of course when I answer, they end up buying the expensive ulu… (wink)

And If I don't sell enough they put me in the giant Polar Bear Mascot suit.

None of these characters are mine, which leads us too:

Chapter Two: The Red-Shirts Notice

The scientist on the communications screen cried softly. "You broke it."

The man in the giant polar bear suit, slightly cartoonist with it's wide eyes, and long snout sat in the Captain's chair and smiled while nodding vigorously. A microphone had been attached so the man inside could talk and be heard, but it still gave off an odd echoing effect. "Yes, yes, I noticed (noticed), but can you fix (fix) it…"

The scientist ran off the screen choking on a tissue. Spock looked over at Kirk. Actually he looked up at Kirk. "Sir, I see this as an advantage."

Kirk jumped up. He poked his chest with one paw. "How the hell do see this as an advantage?

Spock shook his head. "First, Jim, I recommend you don't swear in that suit. Two, have you ever thought of working for the Romulan tourism industry?"

Kirk sat back down, glad for the newly installed fan in the plastic hell, sarcastically he spat, "what they need a greeter at the store front? Besides there's no Polar Bear on their planet."

"There's 89 percent chance it will be good for business, and tourists are known for stupidity," Spock said walking over to his computer missing the sarcasm in Jim's voice. "I will begin to pull up a list of possible stores."

"Sounds good to me Jim," a voice said, it came from the screen. Since the man on the other line had never turned it off the admiral entering the room had heard everything. "How much do you think they'll pay you?"

A giant paw slapped its' own forehead three times. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! You cannot be serious!"

The admiral broke into a wide grin. "I'm making this an order Jim, you're going in."

The Captian's paws had three fingers and one thumb. He pointed one at the screen, "Hey! That's Mr. Polar Bear to you from now on!"

With that Kirk stomped of the bridge.


At meal time he discovered that the head was not removable. Rather, it could only be lifted enough, just barely enough, to stick one hand up inside the head. None the less, it was an interesting side show.

Spock was silent, hiding his fascination with the Polar Bear costume. McCoy however did not stop smiling. Kirk looked form one to the other, however because it took some physical arm strength to move the head, the comic eyes stared at the wall. Disgusted he threw down the fork he was clenching in his de-gloved hand. At least the paws were removable. "I just realized something," he said in a very grim voice. "How am I going to, uh, you know…?"

McCoy knew his Captain as promiscuous with the ladies and immediately thought sex. Spock's mind also considered this a small possibility.

To Jim, watching their reactions, both his friends had blank eyes, and only Spock raised an eyebrow. Jim coughed "You know, how am I going to relive myself?"

McCoy was drinking some red juice as the words came out and as a result coughed it up onto the table. "Be careful!" the Captain exclaimed, "You almost stained it!"

McCoy continued to half-choke, half-laugh. Spock was deep in thought. After a pause, and a deep breath McCoy whispered, "there's something medically…"

"These ears are fake not to mention small! I can't hear if you whisper!" Kirk said loudly, hitting the table with a fist.

McCoy looked to the side and then up at the ceiling. The word came out mumbled, "Catcheter."

Spock leaned forward. "What was that doctor?"

McCoy blushed, "It's an older device meant mostly for patients who can't get out of bed in time to…uh …it…um."

"Bridge to Captain," the small computer port announced. Kirk strode over to the computer. It was not a dignified walk as his own thighs were where the Bear's legs began. To those viewing he waddled.

Hitting all three buttons at once he answered, "I'll be right up."

He waved good-bye to his conversing friends.


"It'll be three days until we reach the planet sir," Sulu said with a plausible straight face.

"In the meantime I make do," the Captain said sinking into his chair.

Uhura got up and tapped him on the shoulder. His fur was so soft she just wanted to; she shook her head to snap out of it. The bear pulled its head out of it's paws to listen. "Sir, um, I recommend you alert the rest of the ship to your present condition."

"Why?"

The turbolift doors opened and five redshirts came out, phaser at the ready. The first one, Roger, stood toe to toe with Kirk. The rest formed a circle, blocking off a run to the exit. Making his most dignified angry face, Roger spat at Kirk's feet. "I've seen some whack jobs here in space, but I almost quit when I heard there was a Polar Bear on this ship. Especially one with the gall to assume Captaincy"

Kirk opened his mouth to explain but the security officer continued his British themed (accent included) rant, "Bloody bears. My mother was killed by one that escaped from the zoo. It was polar bear too."

The microphone buzzed as a result of a glitch, and shut it's self off. A small voice inside the plastic head announced, "a re-start will begin in twenty minutes." No one but Jim heard it.

So Kirk did what any Captain would do. He punched the insulting man. Of course, Kirk was in a Polar Bear suit. Wiping blood from his mouth Roger growled, "The Captain will give me a promotion when he sees what I've got here." He set his phaser on high stun. "Yes, sir-ee, one nut job back to the zoo."

Kirk took that split moment to run, kicking those in his way. Luckily the made it, but due the fast speed he ran at, he tripped into the turbolift. Uhura kept her eyes on the board and murmured, "That's why."


"What a fascinating device," Spock said as he got up to throw away his lunch.

McCoy nodded. "Well, it would work for Jim if we knew how to get it on."

He stood and stretched. Spock stood in the doorway now; the doors anticipating his exit were wide open. Scratching his chin he said, "Of course we could always cut him out of the suit."

Just then, the Polar Bear ran through the hallway, hands straight up, a wordless cry for help echoing in his wake. Four security officers followed. Spock had to duck to avoid being hit by one phaser's stun beam.

McCoy was by now at Spock's side. As soon as the scene passed he walked through the door. Turning to look over his shoulder he said, "Nah. It could hurt the technology."

To be continued.

Is this funny enough? I can explain what McCoy's device is if you need to know.