A/N: Aha! SOO I promised a parody, and a parody I will provide. (Try saying that ten times fast…) I really enjoy writing these because, as I write the real story, full of angst and annoying emo Kyo and etc., etc., I begin to think of all the flaws in my story and all the ways I could make fun of it. Since I wouldn't be happy to see my story appear in one of those "Stories that Suck for Numerous Reasons" communities, I decided to point out all the flaws by myself for you amazing readers. Cheers!

CHAPTER 8.5

Kyo's heart raced through him. Today was the day for drastic decisions (or so his horoscope told him). It was also the day of a family trip to the onsen.

'Damnit, I hate water!' Kyo hissed angrily to himself, staring off in the general vicinity of where he knew the supposedly relaxing death pools lurked.

"Kyo, if you're planning on doing anything dirty with Haru-kun, could you please let me know so I can find myself in another room?" Shigure simpered, shuffling behind Kyo towards the doors to the inn.

"Hey!" Kyo hissed angrily, snapped out of his trance.

"He's just saying that because he wants to watch," a cool voice whispered behind Kyo.

"Oh, you know me too well!" Ayame trilled, booming onto the scene.

"Hey, Har," Kyo said unevenly. He was suddenly reminded of Haru's sex-in-the-onsen proposition, and knew that Haru would stop at nothing to get his kitten wet.

"Uwah… this place is beautiful!" Tohru gasped in admiration.

"Haven't you been here before, Miss Honda?" Yuki asked, hovering above her as usual.

"Well, of course, but it's just… amazing! Thank you so much for this, I really don't deserve this!" Tohru sang.

"I'm going to put my stuff away…" Kyo said distractedly, wandering off towards the inn.

"And people think I'm absentminded," Haru commented, staring after his beloved.

'Well, I faced my fear of water once for him… I should be able to do it again,' Kyo rationalized. He looked to the wall, where he saw a blurry portrait of an ocean.

"Damn it!" Kyo cursed out loud. He jumped out the window and ran into the garden, further and further from any signs of water.

Kyo fell under a cherry blossom tree. It was April (LOL it's April now). The Sohma family knew of his involvement with Haru for two months, but he had been with Haru for five. Kyo knew this because he secretly kept a calendar in his room where he marked off his anniversaries.

'If only I were like Jesus and could just walk on the water,' Kyo thought sullenly to himself. He closed and eyes and quickly fell asleep, purring in the sun.

But Kyo wasn't asleep long before Haru began to coo, "Kyo… Kyo…"

"I'm sleeping, Har," Kyo mumbled.

"But I'm bored…" Haru grumbled. (It rhymes…)

"Go to bed," Kyo said, turning away from Haru. No one disturbed Kyo's cat naps.

Kyo was surprised to hear no retort, but soon felt the warmth of Haru's body pressing against him, the cow's face buried in Kyo's neck.

"'Night," Haru mumbled. Kyo couldn't breathe with Haru's weight pressing on his lungs. Kyo was sure his heart stopped. But, as always, he began to mold with his beloved, and the two soon fell asleep.

XXXXX

Kyo had successfully invented enough excuses to avoid the onsen. He even resorted to play a rousing ten matches of Ping-Pong with his favorite cousin, Yuki. Kyo had nearly killed himself with the net, when he was saved by the dinner bell.

Kyo cautiously walked to his room and, upon entering, whispered "Haru?" into the obviously empty room. Kyo was quite on edge. He dove into his bed, ignoring the pain as he landed on the wood floor, and pretended to be asleep when Momiji opened the door to the room.

"KYOOOOO! Let's go to the onsennnn!" Momiji squealed.

Kyo bit his lip to keep from smiling; though he would normally be mad at Momiji's antics, he couldn't help but find them oddly humorous at the moment. Momiji dropped to all fours and zoomed in on Kyo's face, asking, "Why are you sleeping, Kyoooo?"

"Momiji, stop bothering Kyo," Haru instructed.

Momiji pouted, "Okay…"

"Are you okay, Kyo?" Haru asked, obviously concerned.

"Um… no…" Kyo lied, giving a pitiful cough.

"Oh, well, do you need anything?" Haru asked.

"No," Kyo snapped. "Just some sleep and I'll (cough)… I'll be fine."

Kyo rolled over and tried to fall asleep, but was interrupted by an eerie voice asking, "Have you done it yet?"

Kyo didn't understand why Shigure had to be so sneaky. "Go away!" Kyo hissed.

"If you don't, then I will," Shigure warned.

Kyo had no idea what his loony uncle was talking about, but promised anyway, "I will! Just go away."

Kyo sighed, but when he heard the door, he suddenly got a plan. Like a light bulb being turned on over his head, he magically realized what he had to do. He jumped up and strode down the hall, following the sounds of Tohru's overly bubbly voice to the garden.

"Kagura…" Kyo called. "I need to talk to you."

"Oh… okay, Kyo-kun," Kagura said, startled.

"Um… I'll be in the room," Tohru said nervously, panicking. Kyo wondered why Tohru was so nervous when he hadn't even addressed her.

"Er… what is it Kyo? You're so serious," Kagura said, smiling.

"Would you like to take a walk with me?" he stalled.

"Okay," she smiled, taking his hand. Kyo despised holding Kagura's hand, but he knew that she would soon have to do a favor for him and tolerated her. They strolled in silence for a while.

"Kagura, I have something to tell you," he confessed. They were stopped outside the onsens.

"What is it, Kyo?" she asked.

"You have always been there for me," Kyo said. "You care about me so much, and…"

"Kyo?" Kagura said, urging him to continue. She had a strange expression on her face, and Kyo decided that she was staring at something on his face.

"Will you teach me how to swim?" Kyo said.

Kagura contemplated his request. Kyo didn't know that it was that much to ask for, until Kagura said, "But you have to kiss me first." Kyo tried to smile, but it was more of a smirk. He then leaned in and kissed Kagura quickly, then hastily wiped his mouth.

"Kyo, I don't know…" Kagura sighed, looking at the grass.

"What! After I kissed you and everything?" Kyo whined, his fangs bared.

"I'll teach you tomorrow, but I'm tired…" Kagura sighed.

Kyo stamped away towards the house. He reached the garden and was about to open the door when he saw Haru on the other side, as angry as his placidity allowed him to become.

"Hello, Haru," he said through the door.

"Good evening, Kyo," Haru replied stonily.

"Can you let me inside? It's kind of cold," Kyo said, glaring through the paneling.

"You kissed her," Haru said.

"Yes, Haru, yes I did," Kyo said, not in the mood for Haru's accusations. "Will you let me inside?"

"What do you mean?" Haru asked, angry.

"I'm kind of cold," Kyo repeated.

Haru gave Kyo a cold look (ha… cold), and then stormed away. Kyo slid open the door and walked inside, staring after Haru.

'What have I done?' Kyo thought to himself. Suddenly, he realized that Haru was jealous.

"You're jealous," Kyo sputtered.

"Yes, you kissed Kagura!" Haru yelled.

"It's because…" Kyo trailed off. He couldn't tell Haru he needed to learn how to swim. "It's because she was cold."

"That's such a lame excuse!" Haru whined. He stormed away, but before he could reach the door, Kyo called out something that made him stop. A small phrase that Haru only wanted to hear from the boy he loved.

"If you're going to get jealous, then you have to be the girl from now on."

"I am not being the girl, kitty."

XXXXX

A/N: So… I enjoyed this more than the actual story. Poor Kyo… one chapter he's cheating on Haru with Kagura for God knows why, the next he's learning how to swim so he doesn't seem stupid in front of his beloved cow. All these changes will make Kyo go hormonal! Eek! Well, please continue reading, both the parodies and originals, and leave me delicious comments! Thank you…