Wow I just needed to write some more randomness…..

EPISODE FIVE: IN WHICH STUFF HAPPENS.

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Claus Valca and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently unconscious while Alvis is staring down a never-ending hole in the middle of the room. Crickets chirp in the background.

Claus: (Begins waking up only to hold his head and scream in horror.) Omg! There still here!

Author: (Far away sounding.) Hey! I said no Internet speak! (Mutters.) No respect I tell you... and damn it haven't you gotten that door open yet! (Voice fades out.)

Alvis: (Twitches.) That's it I'm out of this sucky story! I'm not getting paid enough for this. (Takes out a pair of black shades and snaps her fingers.)

Unnamed guy in suit: You called Miss Hamilton?

Alvis: (Sliding on the shades she snaps her fingers again. Another random door appears.) Ready the car we're getting out of here.

Unnamed guy in suit: As you wish. (Disappears.)

Alvis: (Turn to Claus.) By the way, those crickets you're looking for, they're down there. (Points to the hole in the floor and walks out the door smirking. The door disappears behind her.)

Claus: At last! Thought you could hide from me huh? (Jumps down the hole only to realize he's now falling.) ………..Oh shit!

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bold letters stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside someone has been forgotten.

Lavi: (Whimpers.) I'm still you know…

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: A never-ending hole in the ground where a posing Alex Row in only a pair spandex shorts, a towel around his shoulders and a pair of boxers on his head, a love struck and possibly insane Sophia Forrester clinging to him, and a bathtub full of red jelly named Tubert are falling. Dramatic sounding music plays in the background.

Sophia: (Hearts in her eyes and drooling.) Oh Alex you hunk of a man you!

Alex: (Strikes different pose and smirks.) Haha! That's right I am aren't I?

Sophia: (Swoons.) I want to have your babies!

Tubert: (Gags.) Oh God kill me now…

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: Above the clouds in Heaven God is seen aiming a sniper rifle at a certain bathtub.

God: (Peering into the scope of the rifle.) Steady, steady…

Random Angel: (Taps God on the shoulder.) Umm God there's a phone call for you.

God: (Sighs and picks up the rifle.) Damn.

(Scene fades out.)

Scene: Sunset on a beach in an undisclosed location where the figures of Tatiana Wisla and Alistia Agrew are seen clad in bathing suits while lounging on some beach towels. Ocean waves and birdcalls sound in the background including a buzzing that suspiciously sounds like a chainsaw.

Tatiana: (Looks around wildly.) Ok wait, now we're on a beach?! (Looks down at herself.) And where the hell did my clothing go?!

Alistia: (In a soothing voice.) Really you should thinking so much about it and just relax and enjoy. (Points to the shoreline.) See isn't it a great view?

Tatiana: (Stares at her blankly for a few second.) You said this would take my mind off this weirdness. (Gestures wildly at their surroundings.) How is this any different!

Alistia: (Sighs and shakes her head some.) This was only to set the mood. (Glares evilly at her.) Now shut up, relax and enjoy understood?

Tatiana: (Flinches at the glare and watches the shoreline obediently.) Yes ma'am…

Alistia: (Smiles brightly and gently pats her on the head again.) Good girl. (Turns her attention towards the shoreline as well.)

(Silence reigns for a few minutes before Tatiana is struck by a thought.)

Tatiana: Wait...(Looks back at her with a confused expression.) The mood for what?

Alistia: (Only smirks in return.)

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Nodoka Miyazaki, Kaede Nagase, Mana Tatsumiya, Setsuna Sakurazaki, Konoka Konoe, Negi Springfield, and Barney all sit in a circle around a never-ending hole in the floor. Crickets chirp in the back round and a faint scream about evil crickets comes from within the hole.

Negi: (Looks around.) Ah, I'm back here again.

Kaede: (Opens an eye and stares a him.) You've been here before then Negi-bouzu?

Negi: (Nods.) Yeah I-(Interrupted by the sound of a gunshot.)

(All heads turn towards Mana and a faintly traumatized Nodoka. All then watch as Barney falls into the never-ending hole with a penny sized hole in his head.)

Mana. (Puts a smoking handgun back away into her invisible pocket.) Oh sorry about that, continue please.

(All sweat drops as the scene fades out.)

On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bold letters stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Standing besides it and staring are the figures of Asuna Kagurazaka, Ayaka Yukihiro, Nao Yuuki and Vincent Alzey.

Asuna: (Blinks.) ……What the hell?

Lavi: (Cries in relief.) Oh my God! Someone's actually out there! (Whimpers.) Can you let me out please?

Ayaka: There someone in there?! (Shocked and vaguely disturbed that there's actually a person inside said box rushes over to open it.)

Vincent: (Equally disturbed rushes over to help with a crowbar that was conveniently laying by his feet.)

Nao: (Smirking.) I say we just leave her in there.

(Ayaka and Vincent glare at her as the scene fades out.)

SCENE: The Author stands in front of a door with Moran Shetland as they try to open it with a chainsaw and a blowtorch, currently failing miserably at it.

Author: (Huffs.) Damn it what the hell is this door made off!

Moran: (Tired and hungry.) Maybe we should just give it up?

Author: (Scowls in return.) Never! I will not miss any yuriness that might go on in this story!

Moran: (Pauses and blinks a few times.) Wait……….You're the Author of this story correct?

Author: (Raises an eyebrow.) I don't see what that has to do with getting this door open but yes, yes I am. Why?

Moran: Couldn't you like, just make yourself appear there or something?

Author: (Pauses and stares at him.) ……..I hate you. (Disappears.)

Moran: (Stares at where the author was just standing.) How am I supposed to get home?

(Scene fades out.)

Scene: Nighttime on a beach in an undisclosed location where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Shizuru Fujino, and Natsuki Kuga are seen clad in bathing suits while lounging on some beach towels. Alistia and Shizuru seem to be involved in some discussion while Natsuki and Tatiana sit off to the side alternating between watching them and eyeing each other wearily. Ocean waves and birdcalls sound in the background.

Tatiana: Umm…. Hi?

Natsuki: (Stares suspiciously.) What the hell is this place?

Tatiana: (Stares absently at the sky.) I've been asking myself that ever since I've been here. It's better not to try and make sense of it. (Eyes glaze over some.)

Natsuki: (Inches away some before muttering to herself.) Damn just when we were about to have some HLS too…

Tatiana: (Snaps back to her sense after a few moments and blinks.) Have what?

Natsuki: Hot les- (Interrupted by the Author appearing next to her.) WTF?!

Author: No Internet speak damn it! (Huffs before pointing at Alistia.) Thought I wouldn't figure out how to get here didn't you! Trying to do yuri stuff behind my back huh? Well my Author powers allow me to huh? (Stares a Shizuru and Natsuki confused.) How did you guys get here?

Shizuru: (Raises an eyebrow.) Ara shouldn't you know? You are the Author after all right?

Author: (Continues to look confused for a moment before coughing.) R-right! (Strikes a pose.) Of course I the almighty Author planned this of course! Haha…(Coughs again.)

Shizuru: Is that so….(While still smiling a large naginata appears in her hands.) But you see this really wasn't the best time, Natsuki and I were a bit… busy.

Author: (Sweats heavily while staring at the naginata.) O-oh?…

Natsuki: (Materializes her pistols and glares at the Author.) Send us back!

Author: (Pales and nods.) R-right away. (Waves her hand a bit and they both disappear.)

Alistia: (Smiles sweetly at the Author.) Don't you have somewhere else to be?

Author: …….Ok appearing in this story is just bad for my health…(Quickly disappears.)

Tatiana: (Eyes wide and rushes over to where the Author was standing.) Wait! Send me back too!

Alistia: (Sighs and wraps her arms around her from behind.) Now…you wouldn't leave me all alone here would you? (Pouts then whispers huskily into her ear.) Besides Shizuru gave me such an interesting book and I want to try some things out.

Tatiana: (Turns red and shudders some stuttering.) Umm Wha-what kind of b-book?

Alistia: Lets find out shall we? (Giggles and nibbles on one of her earlobes.)

Tatiana: (Only nods unable to respond at the moment.)

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: A couch in an undisclosed room the Author lays there with an Icepack on her head.

Author: You people know the deal already. I don't own Last Exile, Mai Hime, or Negima blah blah blah leave comment blah blah read Dreiser's fiction blah blah blah blah funny blah blah blah…………… Moran… Get me a Pepsei……

Moran: Yes ma'am (Walks off grumbling to get said Pepsei.) Why can't I go home already…

(A madly giggling and quite naked Dio runs across his path followed by Lucciola holding a Guild suit.)

Moran: ………..