Disclaimer: I definitely don't own anything except my own characters.
Still not dead! Please enjoy this chapter. We are nearing the end of this fic soon and I have started seriously planning out the revised version of Walking on Mirrors. I promise, all the fics I say are going to happen WILL happen. Please be patient and thank you for your support!
Chapter Seven
A Lesson in Forgiveness
Tokkaido Road, Japan
7th Year of the Meiji
February 3
Oji-san,
It is my birthday today. I am fourteen now. Since you cannot reach me, I will reach you to tell you that Misao-chan and I are perfectly fine. As you have probably suspected by now, we are searching for Aoshi-kun and the others. Misao will not give up, and neither will I.
But I am not looking only for Aoshi, Ojiisan. I know you do not approve, but I am also looking for Enizu. I know you don't like him, but please understand, he is my closest link to my father. I love all of you at the Aoiya dearly, but Enizu was there when I became an orphan. I feel as if he is all I truly have left of my father. He took me in and brought me to you, but now I want to be with him.
You probably won't understand any of this, you'll just think I am silly for trying to find him. You may even hate me for trying. I am afraid to even tell you this, but when I find Enizu, and I will find him, I want him to become my guardian. Please don't think this has anything to do with you. Half my life I spent at the Aoiya, and I was happy. But I just can't stay there any more.
I hope that you will still care about me after this—I fear that you won't.
All my love,
Naruku
Dinner at the Aoiya made Naruku realize all the things she had missed about having a home. And while everyone had been kind and joking with her all night, Naruku still felt an emptiness inside that could not be filled up by food or even laughter.
"This is not my home," she realized suddenly as she washed the dishes. "It is my childhood and my past and I love these people, but this is not home."
"So where is home, Naruku?"
The voice startled Naruku and she turned to see Aoshi in the doorway. Quietly, he crept over to her and took a stack of dishes to aid in her washing.
"Somewhere," Naruku replied, shaking her head and smiling sadly. "I don't know if I still belong there. I…made a mistake. More than one mistake. I don't know how to go back."
Aoshi was silent after this, and Naruku sneaked a peek at him. He was deep in thought, that much she could tell.
"Have you ever…have you ever felt that way, Aoshi-kun?" Naruku asked lightly.
Aoshi didn't answer for a moment. Then he said, "In fact, I have." And left it at that. They shared another few minutes of washing dishes in silence until Aoshi finally said, "You may not think you can go back, Naruku, but the people who care about you will always welcome you. That much I have learned."
Naruku peered at Aoshi for a long moment as she began drying the dishes.
"I'm glad for you, Aoshi," she said softly, unsure if she meant for him to hear it or not.
He didn't answer.
"I know you probably never wish to speak about Kanryuu Takeda again, but I'm not ready to close that chapter of my life completely. And Aoshi, I remember what you were like back then, in that castle. And I see who you are now. And it gives me hope," Naruku smiled.
Aoshi nodded slowly and Naruku could see a light in his eyes. "Aa."
They finished drying and Naruku headed out of the kitchen.
"Naruku," Aoshi said suddenly, turned toward her. She stopped. "Thank you."
"I could say the very same," Naruku replied and bowed before exiting again, leaving Aoshi in thought at the sink.
Naruku, meanwhile, made her way down the hall to find Misao.
"Misao-chan?" she called, spotting Misao down a hall that Naruku recalled to be Okina's office.
"Hai!" Misao chirped and bounded over to Naruku. "Let's go outside and talk! What do you say?"
"Sure, I'll go make us some tea," Naruku volunteered, heading back toward the kitchen with Misao in tow. She wondered briefly on Aoshi and Misao's relationship and whether it had progressed past the psuedo-sibling relationship they'd had.
The kitchen was empty when they reached it, Aoshi had obviously gone off to bed or perhaps to bathe.
Naruku busied herself with making tea while Misao chatted amicably.
"Anyway, so now I'm Okashira even though Jiiya and Omasu didn't even want me to be an Oniwaban," Misao proclaimed proudly.
"I was wondering about that," Naruku commented, mostly to show her friend that she was, in fact, listening.
"Yeah, I'm just about the youngest Okashira there ever was! Except for Aoshi-sama, of course," Misao added. "But I found out a couple months ago that I'm not the first girl to be Okashira. Can you imagine?"
Misao launched into a story about a woman whose comrades had all fallen and who had taken up the title of Okashira herself during the Edo period of Japan.
"And my mom and dad actually named me after her! Unbelievable, right?" Misao chirped, as if she had not just been talking about the total destruction of an entire ninja clan.
"That's obviously fate, Misao," Naruku replied. "Or else your parents knew you were going to become something big."
"Maybe," Misao nodded along. "Tea done yet?"
Naruku tried her very best to prolong the making of tea until it was absolutely clear that the tea was ready. Her reasons for doing so settled heavily on her left hip. Finally, she sighed quietly and said, "Yes Misao, it's done."
Pouring it into two slightly chipped cups, Naruku set everything on a tray and gave it to Misao to carry outside.
"Let's sit on the back porch, it's so pretty at night and we're running out of opportunities to go outside at night because it's getting colder," Misao offered, leading the way there.
"It's nice," Naruku countered as they reached the back porch and sat down on the steps. The sky was bright with stars and Naruku could see the sliver of moon still left in the sky. Or maybe it was the first sliver of moon. She couldn't remember, despite countless nights spent outside in the past weeks.
As Naruku quietly sipped her tea, she noticed Misao's eyes on her, waiting for her to being. She knew it was her story Misao was waiting to hear, and hadn't asked her to talk simply to tell her of namesakes and weather.
Naruku quietly sighed and put her cup down. In the past month, the choices she had made had been disastrous. Despite good intentions, Naruku had ruined many things for herself. This was one thing she wasn't going to ruin.
"I guess you've been wondering what happened to me since we last saw each other," Naruku said, and tried not to recall in too fine detail what had happened when she left Misao those years ago. "And I owe it to you to tell you."
Misao was silent.
"But…there's a lot of things involved…it's complicated…and I want to tell it to you right. So…" Naruku dropped her head and reached for her brown satchel. She looped it back over shoulder and set it down between her and Misao.
"What's this?" Misao asked quietly, looking at the bag but not reaching to touch it just yet.
Naruku didn't have to look at the bag. She'd seen it for the past nineteen or so nights in a row. She looked at it, worn it, touched it and knew its contents by heart.
"They're letters," she answered simply.
Only then did Misao reach out to touch the bag. She flipped the cloth top over so the inside of the bag was exposed. Inside were bundles of letters. Wet, dirty and wrinkled, these letters had been through much. Misao carefully removed the first of the bundles and unwound the twine.
"They're for you," Naruku added when Misao looked unable to proceed.
"Why?" Misao asked.
Only then did Naruku turn to look Misao in the eye. "Because…because I've written to you so much over the past four years and I think it's finally time you see what I've written."
Misao didn't answer but instead looked down at her lap at the first of the letters. "This one's to Okina," she said softly.
"The rest are to you," Naruku assured her, and reached for the letter, but Misao held fast to it.
She looked at Naruku questioningly. "Can I read it anyway?"
Naruku slowly nodded and watched as Misao unfolded the letter and read it quickly.
It was the one Naruku had written on her fourteenth birthday, assuring everyone at the Aoiya that she and Misao were safe and revealing her plan to find Enizu. At the end, Naruku had put in the quiet plea of a child unsure of their family's love.
"So…" Misao started. "Did you…did you think Okina hated you?"
"I did," Naruku said easily. "And it was not until tonight that I realized he didn't. I don't know if I would have forgiven myself. Read the next one."
Misao did so, and when she was done she looked at Naruku with a new hurt in her eyes. Naruku looked at the letter and took it from Misao's limp grasp.
Misao-chan, the letter started. I feel I have to tell you the truth about why I stayed.
"And this…is this the truth?" Misao asked, the weight of the question evident in her voice.
"In a sense," Naruku answered, and watched as Misao's eyes flew to the ground. "Aoshi did leave to protect us. And I did find Aoshi after I left you. And I didn't tell you because I knew he didn't want you to see him as he was. He was…well, you can imagine, Misao, what working for a man like Kanryuu did to him. He was emotionless, cruel and hard. It hurt me to see him, and I know it hurt him, too. But I know it would have destroyed him if you saw him like that. That's why I never told you he was there. That's why I never sent that letter."
"And the…" Misao swallowed, her throat very dry. "And the rest? Was it true?"
"No," Naruku said at once. "Enizu misled me more than I could have imagined. Aoshi's reasons for hating Enizu so were obvious—Enizu was everything Aoshi despised in a man. The worse part was that the more I watched Aoshi become the heartless thing that he was, the more I saw him hate Enizu. He was becoming a man not so different from Enizu, but Aoshi didn't realize that at his core, he was still a good man. Enizu never was. And as for Aoshi having feelings for me of any sort—that was a lie Enizu made up for my benefit. He didn't want me to grow close to Aoshi and he needed to give me a reason to leave you. He led me to believe that if I left you, I would remove the chance of hurting you."
"So he lied," Misao said, and the color seemed to return to her face.
"Of course, Misao," Naruku replied. "It took me until I broke free from Enizu to realize it, but Aoshi could never love someone the way he loved you. I know this because the only time I saw a glimmer of the real Aoshi during our stay at the Takeda mansion was when he asked me if you were safe," Naruku recalled, but Misao was shaking her head slowly.
"I don't…" she trailed off. "A lot has happened since Aoshi returned to us, Naruku. I think I was just fooling myself to think that Aoshi could ever see me as… as someone he could love and marry and…" she shook her head again, blushing. "And to be honest, Naruku, I'm not sure I can love him that way either."
This shocked Naruku but she stayed quiet as Misao continued, speaking like she was off somewhere else.
"It's just…this idea of Aoshi that I love so much. Tell me, Naruku, did you ever think you'd fallen in love with Enizu?" Misao asked, suddenly turning to look at Naruku.
Naruku was too stunned to do anything but nod.
"And what was it that made you feel that way?" Misao pressed.
"Well…it was how sweet he seemed," Naruku replied, feeling the weight in her mouth at the mere mention of Enizu's façade. His mask he had worn for years, the game he had played with her. "And how it seemed like he could always protect me. I know now I never truly loved him—otherwise I could never hate him as I do. And I do hate him, Misao, for many reasons, but above all else because he made me think I loved him. But yes, Misao, I did think that at one point. I believed that wanting to be safe and wanting to love someone was the same thing as really loving them."
"It's the same with Aoshi," Misao replied. "It was how it seemed like he could protect me. How I thought it might feel to be loved by someone."
"It's not the same!" Naruku argued, her sharp voice piercing the night and surprising both of them. "It's not. What was between Enizu and I was a manipulation, a distorted truth. You and Aoshi…I always thought you were made to be together."
"No one is made to be together," Misao said, shrugging. "And Aoshi and I definitely aren't."
She said it with such finality that Naruku fell silent. Was her young, naïve friend finally growing up and moving forward? Had she truly gotten over Aoshi, and was it for good?
"You said this was your last letter," Misao said, finally folding up the letter that had caused so much conflict for Naruku. "What are all these?" She motioned inside the bag where three more bundles scrunched together.
"I was planning for that to be the last letter I would ever send you," Naruku agreed. "But I couldn't bring myself to send it. It was my cowardice that you would hate me and the fear that you would try and find me. But after I didn't send that one I wrote another. And another. I send none of them but I continued to write them. They're all in there."
Misao glanced back down into the bag and back up to Naruku. "Why?"
That was a question Naruku hadn't been prepared for. Why had she written all those letters? Why had she carried on her make-believe correspondence with Misao? Why had she felt the need to tell someone about her life with Enizu?
Naruku's answer came out slow and unsure. "I…because…I missed you," Naruku said, but she knew that wasn't the whole reason. "I missed you and I needed someone to talk to. I…I thought I was happy with Enizu, but I didn't want to realize that it wasn't anything like what I wanted. I needed to tell someone that, hoping that they could work it out for me and tell me. Hoping someone would come rescue me," Naruku ended in a whisper. She was surprised to feel a wet lump in the back of her throat and tears behind her eyes.
"Naruku," Misao said, and dropped the stack of letters to enfold her friend in her arms. The letters all fell to the floor in a flurry, some opening up as if to be read by the night sky.
And Misao quietly held Naruku as she cried, the words of her past scattered on the floor in front of her.
Naruku's crying stopped some minutes later and she drew away from Misao, smiling gratefully. Misao stooped to pick up the fallen letters and handed them to Naruku, but she shook her head.
"I don't want them. You have them. I don't care what you do with them. Read them, throw them in a lake, it doesn't matter. It's all a part of me now," Naruku said, and put a fist over her heart. "The words are here."
Misao nodded like she understood and in a way, she did. But she wanted to understand more about her friend, more about the girl who had been so alone and trapped for four years of her life. Misao felt another wave of sadness for her friend.
"But Naruku…you haven't explained yet how you escaped Enizu and why you're here," Misao said.
"You're right," Naruku replied. "I haven't."
She gave Misao a lopsided smile and Misao realized she was saying she wasn't going to tell the story.
When Misao didn't stop staring at her, Naruku said, "It's a long story, Misao. And I'm tired."
Misao's gaze did not relent and Naruku said, "I promise, I promise you Misao, I will tell you. Not tonight. Please."
Finally Misao let her gaze drop.
Naruku got to her feet and helped Misao to hers. Misao bent down and took Naruku's bag full of letters as Naruku crossed the threshold inside, carrying the tray of their empty tea cups.
At the doorway, Naruku turned. "Thank you, Misao," she said, and truly meant it.
Yahiko watched through hooded eyes as Kaoru knelt in front of her father's alter in the dojo, her body choked with tears. She bowed her head to the wooden cove, the bokken gleaming there and the tablet inscribed with her father's name.
It was the third time in the past week that Yahiko had witnessed this. Kaoru came here and bowed her head and prayed, as if asking for her father's advice.
This time she was crying. It was not her father's advice she was asking for this time, it was his forgiveness.
"It's not fair," Yahiko whispered to himself, his grip tightening on the door frame. "It's not fair."
Why should Kaoru have to lose everything that meant something to her? Why was this even happening to them? What would happen to them?
Yahiko felt a deep wave of guilt wash over him. He had been living off Kaoru's kindness for so long, and not once had he found a way to give something back. And now it was too late.
Kaoru's classes at the Maekawa dojo had stopped. There simply weren't enough people anymore. Kaoru's one true skill, her art, was dying, and she had no way to support herself.
Look at us… Yahiko thought bitterly. We can beat men like Shishio and stop people from terrorizing innocents on the street, but we can't do anything to save our home.
There was no one in the city willing to hire Kaoru, Yahiko or Kenshin. Even Sano had tried, but his reputation as a freeloading gambler was too apparent.
Yahiko turned away from the doorway, and from the sight of Kaoru's crumpled, beaten form. He looked up in front of him, and there was Kenshin, witnessing the very same thing.
Kenshin's gaze lowered to Yahiko and he put a hand on his shoulder.
"How can this be happening, Kenshin?" Yahiko asked, his eyes wide as he asked, as if he truly believed Kenshin had the answer.
Kenshin could only offer the shake of his head. "It shouldn't be…but it is."
Yahiko gave a small nod. Kenshin's hand dropped off his shoulders and Yahiko peered up at him. He had a dark, contemplative expression.
"What are you thinking, Kenshin?" Yahiko asked quietly.
Kenshin was surprised at the question. But slowly, he answered, "I am thinking…Naruku should be here."
The answer shocked Yahiko. He hadn't thought Kenshin would think of something as mundane as that.
"It was her choice to run away," Yahiko mumbled.
"But she did not know this would happen," Kenshin countered. "This is Naruku-dono's home too. It wouldn't be fair for her to lose it without even knowing."
"She gave up the right of knowing when she left," a gruff voice replied from the gate.
"Sano?"
Kenshin and Yahiko both turned to look at their street-tough friend, leaning against the fencepost across the yard. Upon being spotted, he uncrossed his arms and ambled over to the two other men.
"Face it Kenshin, Naruku's not coming back here. You know that. The sooner you accept it, the sooner we can all move on to the important things," Sano said, and even Yahiko thought it sounded a little harsh.
Kenshin smiled a little weakly in reply. "I appreciate your concern, Sano, but I still thinks Naruku will return. In fact, I'm quite sure of it."
Sano scowled and asked, "How's that?"
"She told me," Kenshin replied simply, and when that did not seem to convince Sano he said, "Only an extreme amount of guilt could drive Naruku from here. She will forgive herself, in time, and then she will return."
"She told you that, huh?" Sano asked, his tone impatient. "She told you all that and you believe it?"
"I never…I never told you what happened the day that she left. Or what happened the night that Enizu and I fought."
At these words, Sanosuke was momentarily subdued. Yahiko looked up at Kenshin, the man he trusted above all else, with a questioning gaze.
Kenshin sighed and slowly made his way toward the house without a glance at either Yahiko or Sano. The two shared a significant look and followed Kenshin into the house. They sat silently in the dining room while Kenshin boiled a pot of tea.
Suddenly a ringing voice from the front hall came into the room.
"Kenshin? Is that you in the kitchen?" Kaoru's high voice asked.
"Hai Kaoru-dono, come join us in the dining room," Kenshin called back.
Kaoru quickly changed into her house slippers and shuffled into the room. She was surprised to see both Yahiko and Sano sitting there, saying nothing. They turned their eyes on her somberly.
"What's going on here?" Kaoru asked, her brow furrowed.
If Yahiko looked closely, he could see the traces of tears on her cheeks. He decided not to say anything. "Kenshin's about to tell us what happened when he fought Enizu," Yahiko said instead.
"Oh," Kaoru's expression changed to something almost indecipherable as she sat down beside Sano.
Kenshin then entered the room with a tray containing five teacups and a steaming pot of tea. As usual, Sano declined to have any, so Kenshin poured for Yahiko, Kaoru and himself.
He took a few sips of his tea, thinking of a way to begin. He thought back to that night, and could recall with excellent detail the way Enizu had stared at him, hatred fuming in his eyes. He could remember the sharp sound of their swords clashing, the sight of Naruku's broken form as she collapsed in the doorway, a moment too late. It had been over a month since that night, and Kenshin could remember everything, every turn his sword made.
"Our lives were always impossibly entwined," Kenshin began slowly. "Naruku, Enizu and I. None of us knew it until that night."
End Notes: Hm...lots of story telling going on. Even more in the next chapter. But you'll see.
Speaking of the next chapter, it shouldn't be long before it's done because I've already started on it and it's flowing very easily. I have a plan that will carry me through to the end of this fic so hopefully it won't be long before you see the 'owari.'
Review please and tell me what you think!
