Title: Not Done Hurting
Author: Half-Human
Summary: Derek tries to restore his relationship with Addison while she tries to cope with what has happened to her.
Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy and all its wonderful characters belong to the genius Shonda Rhimes and everyone who's helped put this drama together. Law and Order: SVU and all its characters also aren't mine, unfortunately.
Author's Note: so so so sorry for the long wait. I kept on getting distracted and wrote other fics. major case of writer's block with this fic! Ok, well—enjoy!
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Later that day Addison's parents visited and after hours of talking with their daughter and eyeing Derek menacingly, they agreed to abide by Addie's wishes and respected her choice to reside in her home with Derek. Needless to say, Derek was expecting to get punched by Addison's father, but the staunchly old man seemed so concerned with Addie that no such dreaded beating occurred. The Montgomerys left late in the afternoon, and it was then that Addison was discharged. As she walked out of the hospital she felt awkward. Derek had his left arm wrapped protectively around her waist and he kept pulling her toward him. She wasn't used to the affection and initially found it too confounding. She felt distanced, as if what was present was a mere shell of who she was and she was really somewhere else, watching the scene from afar. As Derek hailed a taxi, he wrapped his arm tightly around Addie. She pulled away slightly and he got the point. "Sorry," he whispered, "I just miss you." He gave Addison his trademark smile and loosened his grip on his wife.
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It was the first time Derek had stepped foot in his old Central Park W. home since he left New York City more that year ago. He hesitated before entering, remembering the night he left and how he had yelled and thrown Addie's and her belongings out on the wet pavement. He looked at Addie and noticed that she too was lost in thought, perhaps recalling the same memory. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the key he thought he'd never use again.
As he walked into his old home, he felt strangely at ease. Everything looked the same from the front entrance. Addison quickly left his side and walked upstairs.
"Addison?" Derek called, and she stopped.
"Just because you're here with me doesn't mean everything is ok," she whispered before continuing up the stairs.
Derek nodded, put down his luggage, and decided to give her space. 'I'll talk to her later,' he thought as he began to explore the rest of the first floor. The kitchen was spotless, as always, and Derek smiled at the fresh bouquet of lilies on the table. Addison always had fresh flowers in the house. He walked over to his old study room, turned the knob, but found that it was locked. He jiggled the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. It was then that he noticed the living room décor- or lack there of. Their living room was homey. It had a comfy couch, a large love chair, a cute round mahogany coffee table, and dozens of portraits. The portraits on the walls spanned from each of their childhoods to their married life. But some were missing.
No. Many were missing. Above the main mantle there was a large empty spot, a spot Derek knew was reserved for his and Addie's wedding portrait. Pictures from their anniversaries, parties, and family gatherings—all the ones with him in them were gone. Derek felt a small pang of anger, but his feelings of grief over came them. He stared at the empty wall space above the mantle. It looked so barren, so Spartan, and so wrong, that he had to turn away and headed upstairs.
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She didn't want to deal with Derek just yet. Addison went straight to bed, not her old bed of course, but to a guest room she had made hers upon her return to NYC. As she lay in bed she found it hard to settle herself. She periodically looked to her window. She kept an eye on the door to her room, closet and bathroom like a paranoid five year old scared of hidden monsters--the kind of monsters that would attack right when no one was looking. The only difference was that Addie's monsters wouldn't go away with the flipping of a light switch. The darkness that surrounded her was much thicker and perverse than the average. It was one which light found difficult to cut through and aside from the inner darkness that plagued her, there was also a real monster out there. There was a physical, mentally ill, malicious being, out there, looking for her, and the thought sent chills down her spine.
"Addison?" Derek's faint call made Addison jump. She took a deep breath as she slipped out of bed. She hesitated before opening the door.
"Hey," he smiled walking toward her. He was waiting outside of the master bedroom. "Guess you've made this your room now," he said offering a cup to her as she stood in the doorway. Derek peeked in and looked at the room. She had chosen the guest room they rarely used, the one that Nancy and his sisters would stay in whenever they visited. The other guest room on the floor was where Mark usually stayed in, and that room, as well as the master bedroom, was locked. Addison looked at the cup and raised an eyebrow. "Ginger tea, I found some in the cupboard," Derek answered. Addison took it, relishing the warmth the mug offered as she gripped it. She inhaled and felt the hot steam fill her lungs. She exhaled, wishing to expel all her fears. "Do you want to head down?" Derek asked softly. Addison looked at Derek, acknowledging that he was being patient with her. She nodded.
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Curled up on the couch down stairs, Addison sipped away at her tea. Derek stared at her from the living room entrance and pondered what she was thinking about. When he had stepped foot in his Central Park W. brown stone, he was initially bombarded with memories. He recalled the first time he walked through every room, the energy he felt, and the hopes and plans he dreamt of when he first stepped foot in his building with his wife by his side. Derek slowly walked over to the couch and sat down. "How's the tea?" he asked.
"Its good," Addison answered, staring into her mug. He scooted over to his wife, pulled her legs over his thighs and reached for her bare feet. She didn't resist, but looked at him, once again questioning his sudden acts of affection. Being as gentle as possible, he began to give her a massage. She tensed and flinched when he first touched her feet but appeared to relax as he continued with his light squeezing and rubbing. Derek looked at her as she stared at her tea.
"Do you want to talk about…it?" Derek asked tentatively. She stopped blowing on her tea, cocked her head to the side, and eyed Derek.
"Do you mean the attempted rape?" Derek swallowed hard. She was staring at him and he found it hard to look into her eyes. He quickly nodded, and then lowered his head. "No. I don't," she answered, returning to her tea. Derek hated hearing those words: attempted rape. They scared him, angered him, and rattled his core. He suddenly stopped massaging and just held her feet in his hands.
"You're going to pull through this," he whispered to her, assuring himself that he too would be ok. Addie remained quiet and the silence was beginning bother him. "Do you want to talk about us?—because I do."
"Derek, I'm tired. I'm just…tired," she whispered.
"If you want to head upstairs—"
"No Derek. I…feel fine here."
"Ok, but Addie, I really want us to work. I know I've messed up but I know we will pull through this. I love you Addison and I want to help you. I want to be here for you."
"But that's just it, Derek, isn't it?" Addison started. Derek narrowed his eyes, questioningly. She placed her mug down on the nearest tabletop, pulled her feet out of Derek's grasp, and bent her knees up to her chest. "You weren't here before. I managed. Hell, you weren't really here even when you were around. I don't think—"
"I know, I made a mistake, but I love you, and I am not leaving. I am here for you. You—"
"I can manage on my own," she whispered. Derek looked at her with incredulous eyes.
'What is wrong with her?' he thought, concerned and a little frustrated. She had accepted him at the hospital and now she was, once again, hostile and distant. Still concerned, he tried to push his agitation aside. Derek didn't know what she wanted from him, if she was seeking anything, that is. 'This must be normal,' he concluded, deciding on what actions to take next.
"I know," Derek began tentatively, "but I want to hel-
"No. I said I don't need your help," she interrupted. Her words were harsh, but her voice cracked and wavered in tone. "I am not some damsel in distress Derek," she spat in a hushed manner. "I really don't need you." Derek frowned.
"You don't need me? Then why agree to let me stay with you?" Addison remained silent. She placed her feet on the ground, sat back on the couch, and stared at the Spartan wall in front of her. "Addison? I don't understand you, but I'm here," Derek said, trying to calm himself, "and I want to understand." Addison didn't say a word as Derek let out a loud sigh and sat back against the couch. He watched her intently as her face fluctuated between expressions of anger and grief. He hated seeing her like this. He hated this troubled and torn Addison. It wasn't right; it wasn't her. She closed her eyes, and her chin suddenly began to quiver.
"Addie?" He leaned forward, concerned for his wife, and extended his hand to her shoulder. Aggravated, frightened, and just tired, Addison smacked his hand away from her.
"Don't touch me," she hissed as got up and walked out of the living room.
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He found her in the kitchen, staring out of one of the windows. She had a dish in her hand, one she presumably just pulled out of the cupboard. There was a half eaten pumpkin pie on the counter top.
"Addie?" he whispered. She didn't respond. She just remained staring out the window, at all the pedestrians strolling by. Her eyes shifted from left to right as she honed in on individuals; inadvertently scanning for the particular man that kept haunting her. "Adds?" He asked again.
Nothing.
Finding a knife he walked up to the pie and began to cut a slice.
"What are you doing?" she asked, still looking out the window.
"You want pie don't you?" Derek watched as Addison frowned.
"What are you doing?" she asked again.
"I'm cutting you a—"
"Derek, don't you get it?" she turned to him, forcing herself from the window. Yes she was scared, hell, who wouldn't be, but she was not about to let it show, not about to let Derek just waltz in there and pretend everything was ok. She wasn't some defenseless child. He had betrayed her trust and hurt her and now he wanted to somehow be there for her? His words and persistence did force Addison to look past the turmoil she was in and remember better times, but his efforts to take care of her were frustrating. "I am a grown woman. I…" her voice caught. "Derek, I'm not ready to talk right now. I don't need you babying me. I'm capable, I'm Dr. Montgomery…"
"I'm just," Derek reached for the plate in her hand and pulled for it.
"I could do it on my own Derek!" she spat, yanking the plate from his grasp. She suddenly felt it slip, and it fell, shattering into myriad pieces. "Damn it!" she cried, stomping her foot and raking her hands through her hair. "Damn it Derek!" She said, in a lower voice. She closed her eyes and inhaled. Derek let her calm down before saying anything. He was about to start cleaning the mess, but thought it unwise.
"I'll… let you clean this up then," Derek whispered softly, finally realizing that what Addison wanted was independence, a taste of what she used to be like. Addie nodded furiously.
"Thanks," she said softly. Derek stood in the kitchen as he watched Addison slowly bend over and wince in pain. She was no doubt still sore but she strained herself to pick up the shattered pieces of porcelain. He knew she shouldn't be down there, risking further injury, but he had to keep his distance. She suddenly looked up sensing his staring, and eyed him. Her expression read, "What?" Derek didn't want to disturb her and decide it best to leave.
"I'll be upstairs," he said softly. "Do you have the master key?" Addie returned to picking up the broken dish.
"Its in the drawer by the front entrance," she answered. Derek nodded and made his way out of the kitchen.
Derek found the master key and decided to build up strength and sleep in his old bedroom. Addison's behavior was erratic and frightening. He found it frustrating to watch her suffer and then have her yell at him, but he knew he had to deal with it. He loved her and was content with her having him stay with her. She was scared and unsure of herself and he just needed to give her time. She needed time and he needed to be careful. She'd snap at him if he weren't. 'On thin ice…' he thought solemnly as he made his way up the stairs.
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A/N: ok, SORRY for the long wait. I decided to post this so I can keep on going and get past the writers block.
So yay, I've posted. Now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You know what would make me feel even more orgasmically awesome? Yeah, you got it--review away:P
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-Team Addison-
Long Live Satan
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