Jack took Sam to her favorite restaurant, within walking distance from the house. He was happy not to drive in the East Coast traffic and figured that if he had too much to drink he probably could make it home without killing someone. Sam just thought that if had been like this more often, things would have turned out differently.
They settled into a table overlooking a little pond. It reminded Sam of the pond at Jack's cabin. She looked across the table at him. "Why are we here?"
"I'm going to change your mind."
"I'd like a shot at Atlantis."
"That's not what I mean." Jack's eyes were almost black in the darkened restaurant.
Sam didn't say anything. She couldn't understand why things were happening this way. She and Jack just had so much history. They'd loved each other years before they were lovers, and wanted each other even before that. Probably from the day they met. She smiled.
Captain, I adore you already.
"What?" Jack asked, happy to see it.
"Just thinking about something you said a very long time ago, and no, I'm not going to tell you."
She was so beautiful in the candle light, it hurt Jack just to look at her. It would hurt anywhere they were, he guessed. He still had a hard time coming to grips with what was going on.
"I always thought you'd be there, Sam." Jack's dark eyes reflected the fire.
"That could be interpreted as taking someone for granted."
"I never thought of it that way." Jack looked out at the lake. "Remember what I told you the day Jacob died?"
"Yes." Sam toyed with her silverware.
Jack watched her slender fingers, mesmerized. He'd tried to keep his distance from her for so long that when the time came to let her in, he just couldn't do it. It was as if there was a wall, built with bricks of emotions that he couldn't name, a wall he'd been working on for as long as he could remember. Jack sighed. That's why he loved to make love with her. There was no other way he knew to get that close to her. She was right, though. It wasn't enough. But he could do better. He stilled those lovely fingers, and held her gaze when she looked up. "Sam, I told you I was sorry. Now tell me what I can do."
"I don't know Jack. For once, I don't have an answer for you."
Jack sat back. I'm good at waiting. I can wait forever, Sam.
After dinner, they walked back to the townhouse. "Jack, I have to go." Sam almost pleaded. He held her in his arms for as long as she would let him.
"All right."
He dropped her off at the hotel. As he handed her her bag, he said, "You'll get the position in Atlantis. I know Woolsey will agree, and the IOA will accept it."
"Thank you."
"Be expecting a few visits from the Director of Homeworld Security, though." Jack managed to smile.
"Checking up on me?"
"Something like that." Jack said, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. "There's something else you should know." His eyes pinned her down.
"It's not over."
Sam opened the door to her room and set her bag on the desk. She turned on the shower, exhausted. She could never have imagined this day- it was like a crazy dream, and her heart and mind were in such turmoil she couldn't think straight. As she was searching through her bag, the phone rang.
She paused, and hung her head. Then she answered the phone.
"Sam." It was Malcolm.
"Hi."
"You didn't make it back to the SGC today, I see. Did you read that stuff I gave you yet?"
"No, I didn't, on either count." Sam said. "Malcolm?"
"What?"
"I got the position. I'm going to Atlantis."
"I'd like to say I'm happy for you, but I'm not. I should have let Caldwell blow the damn place up."
Sam remembered all the times Jack had just told her what he thought she wanted to hear, instead of how he really felt. Malcolm had no such reservations.
"Sam, how about I take you down to the base tomorrow? I have to go sometime this week, anyway."
Sam was grateful for the moral support. "That'd be nice Malcolm. See you then."
But all she really wanted to do was get off the planet.
Barrett met her in the lobby the next morning. "They need you in the Air Force recruitment ads." Malcolm smiled, taking her bag.
"No they don't, and I can't be anyway."
"Oh yeah, top secret, right down to the face and name." Malcolm ribbed her. They gathered up her things and went down to his car.
Sam was uncharacteristically quiet as they drove south. "Tough day yesterday?" Malcolm asked.
"Jack didn't take it too well. I don't understand. He wants me to go." Sam watched the early autumn colors fly by.
"He wants to be the one to sendyou. There's a difference."
Sam shook her head. She was pretty sure Malcolm was the wrong person with whom to discuss Jack, but she also felt so confused and so utterly alone.
"You presume the man has feelings, Sam. I think that got beat out of him a long time ago." Malcolm signaled for the base turn-off.
"You're right about the beatings, but you're wrong about the feelings, Malcolm." Sam said, looking intensely at him. "They're in there."
Barrett looked at her and shook his head as rolled down his window in front of the guard shack. "Hello, Rogers."
"Have to see your ID anyway, sir," the young airman smiled. Malcolm showed his ID to the guard and they went in. Sam raised an eyebrow at him.
"I come down here to talk with the AFOSI people quite a lot."
"You have your finger in everything, don't you?"
"It's my job to know things." Malcolm shrugged.
He parked the car and turned to her. "Jack had his chance with you, Sam. More chances than any one man deserves. You deserve better. I'd be happier, even if it wasn't me."
Sam smiled. "Malcolm, you really don't give up, do you?"
"Nope. Patience is the other part of my job." He smiled, then opened her door, retrieved her bag, and they went into the Space A terminal.
Sam and Malcolm entered the waiting area, and there was Jack, waiting for her in that familiar leather jacket and khakis. Sam was stunned. His face was impassive and he didn't so much as shift his feet when he saw Agent Malcolm Barrett.
"Good morning, Colonel," O'Neill smiled.
She saluted, "Sir." Jack sighed, and shook his head. "At ease, Colonel."
"Agent Barrett."
"General." They didn't shake hands.
"I see you've gotten our girl here on time." Jack looked steadily at Malcolm.
Malcolm would like to have decked him, but realized Jack would have him facedown on the floor with his arm broken behind his back in less than thirty seconds.
Sam's head was spinning. An airman appeared at her elbow. "Colonel, please come with me, the plane is preparing to close up." Sam wanted to give the young man a hug.
She took the handle of her rolling bag from Malcolm. Jack felt ice water swirling through his veins as he saw their hands touch for a split second. Sam turned to Jack, "I'll let you know when I leave, sir."
Jack nodded. He couldn't breath. Because it had occurred to him that she was already gone. She took a few steps away.
"Carter." Jack said. Sam stopped and turned around, and then looked at Jack. The electricity in her eyes arced over to him and they were held there, immobilized by the current that flowed between them. Sam wanted to let it draw her in, like it had so many times before, but she knew the results would be the same. There was no point. She held her ground. He held his.
Malcolm looked at them both. Clearly, this was territory in which he didn't belong.
"I'll be out in two months." Jack said, his eyes connected to hers.
"Yes, sir." Sam managed to turn, and went out the door to the tarmac.
Malcolm left. Jack stood watching the plane until it lifted off and became a dot in the sky.
In a week Sam was ready to go. It amazed her that it was easier to get to Atlantis than it was to get to Washington. Sam entered the base carrying only her briefcase. She walked over to the elevator doors nervously, and pressed level 28.
"Thought you'd just bypass the goodbyes and go straight to the gate?" a familiar voice said from behind her.
She turned and smiled. "Daniel." Sam hugged him enthusiastically, whacking him in the back with her case.
"You guys have to beat me up right to the very last minute, don't you?" Daniel smiled wryly, rubbing his back. Sam kissed his cheek.
The doors opened, and they rode down. "I wish I were going too, Sam, and not just because it's my life's dream," he said sarcastically. "I'm going to miss you. I guess I've always felt we sort of understood each other, being geeky scientists and all."
"Daniel," Sam elbowed him.
"Oh come on, Sam, you don't get a pass on the geek description just because you like to blow up stuff and can fly a jet." He grinned at her fondly.
"I'm going to miss you, Daniel." Sam smiled. They got out on level 28, went through her the things she had sent ahead to her lab and found everything intact. As they were sealing everything up, Daniel asked about Jack.
"I don't know, Daniel. I guess he's all right about this, but there's really no choice. I need to go." Sam leaned against the stainless steel table.
"There is a choice, Sam." Daniel said. He had always thought Jack was crazy not to retire.
"Well, Atlantis is very far away, Daniel." Sam sighed. "I don't see how it can work." It was easier to blame the distance than to tell him the real problem- especially considering she didn't know what the real problem was.
"That can't be the end, Sam," he said, looking at Sam with genuine concern. Daniel knew what real love was, which was why he had never been able to understand Sam and Jack, still engaged in this intense and painful and beautiful dance… but he was a romantic soul. He wasn't military. Daniel shook his head.
Sam nodded with such a tormented look in her eyes that Daniel put his arms around her just like he had all the other times they thought they'd lost Jack. Why she'd lose him on purpose now was beyond Daniel's comprehension.
Teal'c walked in and they said their tearful goodbyes. Then she went up to level 26 for the formal change of command.
As per base standards, there wasn't much that was formal about it. By teleconference yesterday, Sheppard had already been briefed on the changes and seemed happy enough. McKay had been shocked. Everyone else seemed to be willing to give Sam a crack at it.
Today, General Landry just mentioned a few words of encouragement and shook her hand. Then they got a call from Sgt. Harriman that General O'Neill was on the video, and they went downstairs.
"Colonel Carter." Jack had only a trace of a smile on his face.
"Yes, General." Sam replied.
"I want to congratulate you on your new post, wish you luck, Godspeed and all that."
"Thank you sir."
"They're lucky to have you Carter."
"Thank you, sir."
"Remember, I said I'll be coming for a visit."
"We'll be ready for you, General."
"All right. O'Neill out." and the line went blank.
Sam turned to Landry, hugged him and went down to the gate room and through the gate to Atlantis.
Jack turned the telecomm off. He went to his desk and buzzed his assistant. "Jim, hold my calls for a while, okay?"
"Yes, General."
Jack loosened his tie and poured himself a shot glass of whiskey. He sat back in his chair and put his feet on the corner of the desk, then downed the whole shot and put his head back to stare at the ceiling. He felt as if there was a black space in his soul that no amount of whiskey could fill, and it had been there forever. Sometimes it didn't bother him, and sometimes it could swallow him whole, like when Charlie died.
He sighed and thought about Sam. She had just about had him fixed up, had made him normal like other people. God, they'd been so happy… and then he put her back on SG-1. The regret was so strong it took his breath away.
What Sam didn't understand was that he was afraid. He was more afraid of her than anything he'd run up against in his life, and that was saying something. Jack put his feet down and poured another shot.
Sam stood in her new quarters, almost too exhausted to move. She'd just shooed away McKay and Keller and was ready to rest. She hadn't done very much that day, really, but traveling three million light years just took it out of one's system, she guessed. She put away her books and laptop, and sat down on the bed to begin unwrapping her few personal effects.
At that moment, the doorway darkened once again. "Colonel Carter."
It was John Sheppard. She smiled. "John- a half-rank above you isn't much."
"All, right, Sam. How are you doing?" His head was tilted to the side, hands in his pockets. Much too good-looking for his own good, Sam thought.
"Fine. Almost done." Sam continued to unwrap a few photos and set them on her bed.
Sheppard nodded. He looked around the room.
"That's a pretty big picture of the General you got there. Plan on putting it in the conference room?"
Sam gave him a wry smile.
"So…" He sat down on a chair across from her. "Did he send you or did you volunteer?"
"Both, probably." Sam said honestly.
"He's the man, Sam. He gets to pull all of our strings." Sheppard picked up some wrapping paper and tossed it into a box. "Yours more than the rest of us, I'm afraid." He sat back.
She shook her head. First Malcolm and now Sheppard. Interesting that the people who really knew Jack had a different opinion of him than the ones who only worked with him on occasion.
"You know what I think of him, Sam." Sheppard stood up to help her stack the empty containers.
"That he's just like you?" Sam smiled and she put her arm around his shoulders, giving him a friendly hug. Then they went down the hall to dinner.
Later on, when Sam was finally able to get to bed, she wondered about that photo. She remembered when she got it, when she could finally ask Daniel for a picture of Jack without guilt or fear, when it seemed that everything they'd waited for had finally happened.
Sam sighed. She never wanted a house with a white picket fence- Pete had clarified her feelings on that well enough. And helping raise Cassie seemed to have satisfied her need for children. As Jacob had said- or she thought he said- she just needed someone to love who loved her in return. Sam rolled onto her back and held the picture to her, her arms crossed over it. "Jack," she whispered to the empty room, tears sliding sideways into her hair, "Jack, what's the matter with us?"
