"That's going to leave a mark." Jack said, without moving, his eyes searing her like burning hot coals. Sam stood in front of him, her chest heaving with deep, angry breaths, her cheeks flushed. She was ashamed he'd been able to provoke her.
"Why do you do this?" Sam asked him. Her hand stung. She wondered what his face felt like. "You know what you're saying isn't even true. You're so- destructive sometimes."
She shook her head and went back into the living room. "I swear to God, Jack, sometimes it's as if you don't want me to care about you." She picked up her glass. Their eyes met. Sam realized she'd just hit on the truth.
"Why?" She almost dropped the glass from her hand.
Jack shook his head. There was that pained expression again. Sam didn't know if it was the fatigue, the wine, or the frustration, but finally the tears started welling up, tears she'd been holding back for months. He put his arms around her and held her to his chest, kissing her forehead.
"You'd be better off without me, Sam. But I can't stay away." Jack held her back and looked at her, wiping away her tears. "Not even shipping you off to another galaxy helped."
Sam shook her head. "I can't live like this. You're distant no matter how far away you are." She touched his face. He was going to have a faint bruise. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I deserve a lot worse."
"Stop it!" Sam's patience had reached its limits. "You tell me I'd be better off without you and that you deserve a lot worse- why don't I get a say?" Sam questioned adamantly.
"In fact, why don't I just tell you that you'll never get rid of me? So you can just stop holding me at arm's length, because it won't work. Why don't I just tell you that? Stop me if I'm wrong okay, because I'm just going to keep going until we both get it."
Jack nodded. So far she was right- and she was on a roll.
She took a drink of the champagne. It was going to her head- actually, it was already there. "Despite the fact that you're the most stand-up guy I've ever met, despite the fact I've been in love with you for seven, or eight, or nine years- I've lost track- you're afraid. I don't know what you're afraid of, Jack. Do you?" Sam literally had Jack up against the wall.
He was struggling to answer her. Sam stood on her toes and whispered in his ear. "Do you, Jack?" She took off his tie. "Do you know?"
"I'm afraid you'll die because I'm not there." Jack said, his heart pounding hard enough to move his shirt collar. "I can't watch over you anymore."
"You don't need to. I'm a big girl now, Jack." She put her lips just over his, barely touching, "A colonel, just like you were when we met." She opened her mouth against his, and slowly ran her tongue over his upper lip. Jack shuddered at the touch. As he leaned in to kiss her, she dropped down on her feet.
Jack shut his eyes and put his head back on the wall, completely taken off guard by her behavior. He quit trying to figure out what she wanted and focused on the kisses that were burning their way down his neck. "What else, Jack?" Sam unbuttoned his shirt and dropped it to the floor. "What else are you afraid of?" She brought his head down to her with both hands and kissed him so hard and deeply that he groaned inwardly, crushing her body to him, while he dismantled her uniform. She moved her mouth to his ear, kissing it as she whispered. "Are you afraid I'm going find out some deep, dark secret that you've been carrying around for years?" Sam leisurely ran her fingertips over Jack's broad shoulders and back, feeling the scars from so many years of combat, and wondered how many there were on his soul. "Maybe you killed someone who didn't deserve it, maybe you made a bad decision, a terrible decision. I don't care, Jack. I already know who you are." Sam pushed him, pressed in to him, body and soul. "You're a good person, Jack, and I love you."
Jack's roving hands became motionless on Sam's soft warm skin, and it seemed as if she had stolen his ability to speak. Then she felt several small catches in his breathing, followed by a few more. She kissed his cheek and found it wet and salty, and that frightened her. "Jack. Oh- I'm sorry."
He buried his face in Sam's hair, and for the first time in over a decade, Jack O'Neill cried. For all the things he'd done, all the things he'd had to do- things soldiers never spoke of, not even to each other. For the people he couldn't save no matter how hard he'd tried. For how he'd kept Sam locked out, even when he didn't have to any more- and all those years when he pushed her away because he loved her and was powerless to do anything about it.
It didn't matter anymore. He was forgiven.
Jack remembered back to what Orlin had said about her- he remembered hearing the tape as if it were yesterday-...you're a good person… your heart is pure… your spirit is beautiful. If she forgave him for being him, he had no need of clergy. He had his absolution.
Jack raised his head. Sam's concerned eyes broke his heart just as it was starting to heal. "I'm all right, Sam., and I'm sorry. More sorry than…"
Sam put her finger up to his lips. "No more."
Forgiven.
Jack kissed each one of her fingers, then her palm, exactly the way he'd wanted to when he first touched her that morning. Then he found her lips, and impressed a very different kiss than the one they'd shared minutes earlier. Gentle, sweet and longing, but no less passionate. Sam put her hands on his face, drying it with her delicate hands, holding his mouth to hers as if she were trying to hang on to her own soul. She led him back into her bedroom, and their lovemaking was different, too. Slow, tender and exquisite, they breathed as one, moved as one, became one until they completely gave themselves up, one to the other and a dark blanket of ecstasy covered them both.
Sam lay curled up on her side, Jack behind her, as their heartbeats slowed. She lay with her eyes closed, feeling him breathing, feeling complete, and drew his arm across her breasts with a happy, satisfied sigh.
Jack raised himself up on his elbow and brushed her hair behind her ear. Finally, he thought he could face his deepest feelings, could express them out loud without fear of cosmic retribution. She wouldn't be taken away as payment for his sins. "I love you, Samantha."
Sam squeezed her eyes shut as his arm tightened around her, removing any remaining space between them. She knew then that the cover stone had been lifted off of Jack's heart, because he'd never been able to say those words before. Not ever.
It was his turn to hold her until the tears ran dry.
The sun was starting to set when they reluctantly left the warmth and security of Sam's bed.
"When are you going back?"
"I thought if I got lucky, a couple of days." Jack pushed up the knot on his tie. "I got lucky." He smiled into the mirror at her, with that little smirk that made her wonder if they weren't getting dressed a little too soon.
Sam smiled back. He knew she was such a sucker for his jokes, however lame they might be. He could always make her smile. "We'd better get you and Jim a place to stay, then. I didn't know."
"Oh, for cryin' out loud, Carter! We're the talk of the water cooler in two galaxies. And besides, how're you going to explain this away?" Jack turned his head to display his Sam-hand-sized mark, still red. "I could have you court-martialed."
"Oops."
"Actually I'm surprised you didn't just throw a punch."
"I didn't want to break anything." Sam gently kissed his face.
"My nose thanks you for that."
"No, I meant my hand."
"You…" Jack grabbed her before she could get away and flung her on to the bed, pinning her down with his weight. "You're such a smartass, Mrs. O'Neill."
"Say it again."
"You're such a…" Sam cut him off with thumb to the ribs.
"Mrs. O'Neill." She was so easy to tease. He loved seeing that Jack-O'Neill-why-do-I-put-up-with-you grin again.
"That's better." Sam looked up into Jack's smiling eyes. "Do you remember when we were first married?"
"No, that kind of slipped my mind." Another thumb to the ribs. "Ow, God Sam, you're really beating up your old man, today, aren't ya?" He took both of her hands and held them down.
"You deserve it."
"I can't help it if I'm happy." He rubbed his face on her neck. "Of course I remember."
"That's the way I feel right now, only better."
"Better?" Jack kissed the notch at the base of her throat. He let her hands go.
"Yes."
"Better?"
"Uh, yes." Her breathing became shallower.
"Better?"
"Mmm"
"Better?"
At that point Sam couldn't say anything at all, and she only had one thought. If he says "Com-traya", so help me God…
Jack stayed on Atlantis for two more days, mostly staying out of the way and watching Sam command Atlantis. And command she did, but her iron fist was covered in velvet in a way he found remarkable. She certainly hadn't learned that from him, as cantankerous as he was. There was one thing though, that he needed to set right.
On the morning Jack left, he sat down with John and Sam to talk strategy.
"What's your handle on the situation with the replicators, Sheppard?" Jack asked, watching him closely.
"Right now, it's a wait-and-see approach, sir."
"You wait and hope they don't see you?"
"Yeah. Right now they're tied up with the Wraith." Sheppard said, a little defensively.
"It's all we can do for now, General. Elizabeth didn't know where we landed." Sam added quickly, knowing where the conversation was heading.
"But they could find out about Atlantis, earth and how we destroyed the replicators there. They could know everything she knows. My job is to protect earth, and that was a major security breach."
Not that SG-1 wasn't guilty of the exact same thing in the past, observed Sam- but Jack was right.
Sheppard nodded and looked directly at O'Neill.
"Your team is the first line of defense for Atlantis, which is the first line of defense for the Milky Way. If you get into a situation, Sheppard, you're making the choice for all those people. They come first."
"I think what the General is trying to say, John…"
"Colonel, I know what the General is trying to say." Sheppard's eyes flashed. "He thinks I'll let personal feelings get in the way of doing my job."
Jack leaned across the table and looked at John closely. "I killed Colonel Carter myself. Brain-dead. It was only a brilliant thought by Daniel that brought her back. Why don't I send you the mission report so you can see you're not the only one who's ever had to make the choice?"
"That's not necessary." John said. "I understand."
"Like hell you do. I sent her into harm's way every goddamn day for seven years. While you were flitting around in your helicopters I was asking her to do things you can't even imagine."
John and Jack stared at each other across the table. John had no idea Jack could even think that way, much less tell it to a fellow officer. He looked at Sam, who nodded. John felt a newfound respect for their sacrifices, and a chilling awakening to the reality of his own.
"All right. General, I think we understand each other." Sam said, ending the conversation. Jack left the room, followed by Sam and John.
"He killed you?" Sheppard asked, still shocked.
"Yes."
"Wow. That's really special. He kills you, you beat him up," Sheppard said, tapping his face. "When I like someone, I send flowers."
Sam gave him a wry smile. He didn't miss a thing. "Shut up, Colonel. And thank you for the champagne."
"See?" Sheppard smiled smugly and walked off.
Jack didn't dare to touch Sam as they stood before the gate.
"It's not going to be that long, Jack." Sam tried to convince herself.
"I guess not." He should be used to this by now, but he wasn't.
"Just go." Sam whispered. He did.
The next few days seemed slow and heavy. Sam almost wished for a major crisis just to get her mind off of Jack. Even knowing she had leave coming in a few weeks didn't help- because she knew she couldn't count on it actually happening.
She sat in her office staring at the picture of the two of them together, fishing. Someday, she knew they'd be together for good, but for now, she and Jack were where they had to be. Neither one of them could turn their backs on their positions, because the fact was, no one could do it better than they. Sam sighed. Duty, honor, and responsibility didn't really do much for a broken heart.
Then the alarm for an incoming unscheduled wormhole sounded. Sam's thoughts jumped from self-pity to cautious interest as she left the office and looked over the balcony.
"It's the SGC," the telecomm technician advised. General Landry appeared on the screen as Sam walked around the console.
"Colonel Carter."
"Yes, sir. Good to see you, sir."
"You too, Colonel. I'm sending through a package for you, from O'Neill."
"What is it?" Sam puzzled.
"Don't know. He said it wasn't a virus or a bomb, so I guess you're safe. I'll talk to you in a few days. Landry out."
"Yes, sir." Sam said to no one. At that moment, a small box popped out of the event horizon, fell on the floor and was promptly retrieved by an airman who brought it up to the command center. With a small crowd gathering in on her, Sam excused herself to her office and shut the door. She opened the cardboard box with her letter opener. In it was a small, ornate box about six inches long, like a little treasure chest. She started to smile. Sam opened the box, took out the shiny gold ball, and held it in the palm of her hand.
In a minute, Jack's image appeared. "Surprise."
"I'll say." Sam could not contain her smile. "Where…"
"Oh, a buddy of yours decided it was in the national interest to figure out the range of a goa'uld communication device, so the NID took two from Area 51."
"Malcolm?"
"Yeah, he said he wished I'd been right, but the smackdown you gave me almost made up for it." Jack laughed. Sam blinked. A real laugh from Jack O'Neill. There's another for the history books.
"Sam?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Uh uh." Jack warned her.
"I'm just happy that you're happy."
"Isn't that my line?" Jack teased her, remembering the whole screwed up incident in the elevator.
"Yeah, but this time it's sincere." Sam teased back.
"So it is." Jack sighed, and then shook off the self-recrimination. It didn't matter anymore.
"Jack, I don't know anything about the power source for these."
"Ever the scientist."
Sam started to feel a little shaky. "I don't want it to run down, so I'm going to put this away. I'll see you in three weeks."
"You know…" Jack said slowly, stopping her, "A very smart woman once told me space might bend far enough so that two points really far apart could actually be side-by-side."
Sam found it hard to speak. "That's right."
"And time is relative."
"Yes."
"I will always be there for you."
Sam couldn't say anything for fear of bursting into tears.
"This is the part where you say, "Me too, Jack." He wondered how she could love him so much and still break his heart.
She nodded.
"All right, Sam," he said gently. Sam and Jack both put their devices away.
Jack went over to the window and watched as winter settled over D.C. He realized he'd had it backwards all along. Sam wasn't someone he'd taken, deceived or borrowed- she was a gift he needed to learn to accept. He shook his head at the stunning simplicity of it. Jack's mouth turned up a little on one side. It must be because it's almost Christmas, he thought, watching some workmen stringing lights in the distance- because there was something else he knew about gifts.
Once you get one, it's yours forever.
